Overcoming Abusive Relationships - Part 1

Everybody has a sinful nature – I do, you do, everybody does. We’re all born with an innate ability to do the wrong thing. Because of that, because sin entered the world, everything in the world is broken – the weather’s broken, the economy’s broken, every family is broken, every body is broken, every relationship is broken. That’s why we’re doing this series on how do you deal with the brokenness in our relationships. How do you make a relationship healthier and stronger?

Today we are going to deal with a very, very sensitive issue. It’s a silent subject nobody wants to talk about. But it’s an issue we need to talk about when we deal with broken relationships. That’s the issue of abuse – physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse.

2 Timothy 3:1–3 NLT

1 You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.

The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 3:2 that in the last days abuse is going to rise. That it’s going to increase in its prevalence. And of course we’re seeing that all around as our culture decays, as people live more and more for themselves and less and less for God and we lose our spiritual roots. Abuse is at an all-time high.

Let me read you some pretty sobering statistics:

The leading cause of injury to women now in the world, is domestic violence in the home from somebody she already knows, somebody in the family. It’s more than the next three causes of injury combined – accidents, muggings and rapes. It’s the number one cause of injury to a woman in the world today.

Every nine seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted or beaten. Every nine seconds.

Around the world one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or abused in her lifetime. That’s incredible.

One in five teenage girls have been in a relationship already where the boyfriend threatened violence or self harm if they broke up.

In one recent survey, 92 percent of all women surveyed listed reducing domestic abuse and sexual assault as their top concerns.

In a recent 32-nation study, it was discovered that women now commit half of all partner violence. It’s not one sided anymore. They are just as likely as men to “commit emotional abuse” but male victims report it even less than women because women don’t tend to report it.

America has three times more shelters for animals than for victims of domestic violence.

Physical abuse, sexual abuse, those are pretty easy to identity. It’s much harder to pin down emotional abuse. How do you know if it’s emotional abuse or not? It’s much more subtle. People make far more excuses for emotional abuse that goes on because you can get away with it a whole lot easier.

But the Bible is literally filled with examples of abuse – sexual, physical, verbal and emotional. Let me just show you a couple of examples.

Genesis 16:6 NLT

6 Abram replied, “Look, she is your servant, so deal with her as you see fit.” Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away.

She was so abusive to Hagar that she ran out of the house, she left the home, ran away.

1 Samuel 25:17 NLT

17 You need to know this and figure out what to do, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family. He’s so ill-tempered that no one can even talk to him!”

And by the way, he was an alcoholic too and was drunk when he was saying the stuff he was saying.

In Job 19, Job talks about his tormentors, those who were abusing him. He says, “Why do you keep tormenting me with such words. [This is verbal abuse. Why do you keep tormenting me with such words?] Time after time you insult me and you show no shame for the way that you abuse me.”

The reason we need to deal with those is because the damage of abuse is a lifetime damage—unless you learn to deal with it.

In many ways it’s kind of like Job says...

Job 30:27 NLT

My heart is troubled and restless. Days of suffering torment me.

There’s no single passage in the Bible that says, “Here are all the steps.” But there are literally dozens and dozens of examples in Scripture and dozens and dozens of verses that deal with the principles of what we must do when we have been abused by somebody else. So I want to share these seven steps with you over the next two weeks. How do I help someone break free from abuse?

Steps to breaking free from abuse…

(sexual, physical, verbal or emotional)

1. Don’t keep it a secret.

Nothing’s going to happen until you take step one. Don’t keep it a secret.

It is the most common thing in the world when someone’s abused to say, I’m not going to tell anybody about it. But the Bible says you’ve got to share your pain with somebody you trust who can help you break free from it. You don’t want to hide it, you don’t want to conceal it, you don’t want to pretend it’s not there, you don’t want to fake it, you don’t want to ignore it, you don’t want to close your eyes to it. What you need to do is you need to talk about it.

One of the sayings used in recovery all the time is “I’m only as sick as my secrets.” That’s true. Our secrets make us sick. The way to deal with that illness is to let it out. You’ve heard me say this before: “Revealing my feeling is the beginning of healing.” I

The starting point is don’t keep a secret. You’ve got to share with somebody. Somebody who can help you break free from this.

John 8:32 NLT

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The way we get free is to first face it. That means to admit it, to open up.

Abuse is often called the silent epidemic. Because it’s the big pink elephant in many, many marriages that nobody wants to talk about. It may have been in the family you grew up in, it may be in the family you’re in right now, but we just don’t want to talk about it. And people suffer in silence.

One national study did a ten-nation study –they studied 10 different nations.

Between 55 to 95 percent of women who have been abused by their partners have never told anybody. Men are even less likely to talk about it or to get help.

What happens is abuse does a crazy thing in our mind. It has an amazing way to create shame in us. And we don’t want to talk about it. If you don’t get anything else that I say I want you to hear this: If you have been abused as a child or a teenager or as an adult, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault! “Yeah but I …” It’s not your fault! You are not responsible for the wrong, sinful actions of somebody else. It’s not your fault!

The abuser must accept responsibility for his or her actions—it’s not your fault.

We’re going to look at King David today because if anybody understood abuse it was King David. In the Old Testament King David was the king who wrote most of the book of Psalms. He spent much of his life dealing with abuse, because there were people who wanted to hurt him. There were people who wanted to kill him. There were people who wanted to abuse him. There were people who wanted to defame him. There were people who wanted to ridicule him, who wanted to discredit him – all kinds of different abuse.

But one of the things we learn from David right off the bat for modeling in the Bible is this: Don’t hold it in. You’ve got to let it go. You’ve got to talk it out. You can’t keep it a secret.

Psalm 39:1–4 NLT

1 I said to myself, “I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me.” 2 But as I stood there in silence— not even speaking of good things— the turmoil within me grew worse. 3 The more I thought about it, the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words: 4 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is.

David explains what happened when he tried to keep it a secret.

This is a classic response to abuse. Classic response. So notice the four things that happens when you hold it in.

Dangers of holding it in:

You risk being hurt again.

He said, I don’t want to say anything “while the evil people are near.” I’m afraid to talk about this while these people are near. They might hurt me more. I don’t want to talk about it. This is so typical. He’s afraid to talk about it in the presence of his perpetrators.

Silence makes it worse.

He said, “I kept quiet, not saying a word but my suffering only grew worse.” Those of you who have been abused and have kept it a secret, you know what it did in your life.

Then he says that pain internalized into panic. “I was overcome with anxiety.” This is classic. I’m having panic attacks. I’m overcome with worry. I’m anxious all the time. I’m fearful. I’m afraid.” When we begin to talk, I discover the problem is not fear, it’s not anxiety, it’s not panic. It’s the pain from an abuse that has been pushed down, pushed down, pushed down.

He says, “I was overcome with anxiety and the more I thought, the more troubled I became and I started asking, ‘How long will I live? When will I die? How soon will my life end?’” He begins to be obsessed with death.

This is typical for many people who have been abused. Abuse can actually lead to considering suicide. Because people think it’s the only way out. I’m trapped. I’m abused and I can’t get out of it and I have no power. The only way is just to take my life. This is classic.

But first you’ve got to stop being silent. You’ve got to speak up. You’ve got to get it out on the table. You’ve got to deal with it and bring it into the light.

The second thing the Bible teaches us to do is,

2. Name the abuse.

Give it a name. Name the abuse. You need to identify it. You need to be specific. You need to recognize it. You need to call it what it is. You have been sinned against. You have been abused.

You may need some help from somebody else at this time. This is why you need to share it with somebody else who you can trust, who’s wise.

When people are abused, physically or emotionally or any other way, they often don’t spot it. Because I’m too close to the situation… They can’t see what’s really going on, particularly an emotional abuse. You may have had parents or a partner or a peer or somebody abuse you emotionally over and over and you’re still not getting it! You’re not seeing it. Somebody else is going to have to, from an objective standpoint, help you spot it.

Common characteristics of emotional abuse...

1. Aggravation

Psalm 102:8 NLT

8 My enemies taunt me day after day. They mock and curse me.

They’re always picking on you. They’re always provoking you. They won’t leave you in peace. They’re constantly taunting you.

They mock you, they curse you, they taunt you. They’re picking on you. They’re provoking you. They won’t let you alone! They’re always picking at you.

2. Intimidation

Psalm 27:12 NLT

12 Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence.

“They tell lies about me and they threaten me.” Circle “they threaten me.” That’s intimidation.

This can happen at work. It can happen at school. It can happen in your neighborhood. It can happen in your home. When people are threatening you, they are emotionally abusing you. It’s intimidation. They’re always making threats. They try to scare you into compliance. They try to pressure you into compliance.

3. Put-downs

They’re always putting you down.

Psalm 22:7 NLT

7 Everyone who sees me mocks me. They sneer and shake their heads, saying,

We’re not talking about good natured teasing here.

What we’re talking about here is mean spirited scorn and derision. They intentionally ridicule you. They belittle you. They put you down. They’re constantly attacking you and belittling you and heaping scorn on you.

4. Humiliation

Psalm 69:1–3 NLT

1 Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. 2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. 3 I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.

I’ve been insulted, put to shame and humiliated.

Shame is the favorite tool of abusers. They demean you, they dishonor you, and they disgrace you.

5. Manipulation

Psalm 73:8 The Message

8 They jeer, using words to kill; they bully their way with words.

Manipulation is when they’re trying to control you. They’re bullying you around.

Have you ever been bullied with words? They’re trying to manipulate you by what they say. You’re verbally bullied.

6. Domination

Psalm 118:13 GW

13 They pushed hard to make me fall,  but the Lord helped me. 

What is domination? They’re trying to control you in every kind of way. They’re always pushing at you. Everything is a power play. Everything is about control. Everything is about who’s in charge, who’s number one, who’s pulling the strings. They turn everything into a power play.

7. Defamation

You see this at work and unfortunately see it sometimes in marriages. Domination. They push hard to make me fall. It’s a control situation.

Psalm 31:13 NLT

13 I have heard the many rumors about me, and I am surrounded by terror. My enemies conspire against me, plotting to take my life.

The internet is filled with this kind of emotional abuse. People are defaming and despoiling and disgracing and embarrassing people all the time. Defamation.

8. Condemnation

Psalm 35:16 NIV

16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked; they gnashed their teeth at me.

In other words they use vulgarity, they use profanity, they use cursing for shock value. They like to drop the “f” bomb. They like to drop other cuss words. They like to use crude slang about a part of your body or about your gender or they call you this or that, some crude name they picked up by watching MTV or something.

It’s condemnation. They mock with the worst kind of profanity. They snarl at me.

Friends, if any of these words describe the environment that you are in, let me just tell you real clearly you’re being emotionally abused. This is not good natured stuff here. This is emotional abuse. What you need to do is you need to admit it and you need to name it. You need to call it for what it is. You need to point out that’s exactly what it is. It’s not playfulness. It’s meanness. It is meant to harm. It is malicious.

3. Don’t minimize or rationalize the abuse.

Ephesians 5:6 NLT

6 Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.

So you don’t say things like, “He/she was just having a bad day.” Or “I brought it on myself.” Or “There are so many good things about him/her.” You don’t minimize it, you don’t rationalize it.

We don’t like to talk about abuse. We don’t like to admit that it’s there. We don’t like to face it, and because of that everything in us wants to minimize it. We want to rationalize it. Even some of you who were in an abusive home years and years ago, you haven’t faced it in your own life. You still minimize it, rationalize it, push it down. Some of you who are in an abusive situation right now. I’m praying that God would give you the courage instead of minimizing and rationalizing it, to take some steps.