Building A Strong Marriage

Ephesians 5:31–33 The Message

31 And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” 32 This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. 33 And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

In the first part of this series we looked at building a strong life. In this message, I want to talk to you about building strong relationships and especially building strong marriages.

Aren’t you tired of hearing about failed relationships—of people who have been together for a certain period of time who seemingly suddenly call it quits?

But isn’t it great when we hear of couples celebrating 50 years of marriage or more?

Don’t you hope that you can have a lasting relationship? I don’t think anyone gets married expecting that they will get a divorce.

Today’s headlines are riddled with examples of how culture and technology are shifting away from godly purpose and enabling cheap, quick relationships.

The “sexual revolution” of the 1960’s made a push for “free love” in the name of feminism with anti-institution and anti-repressive sentiment. In part, it was a rebellion against marriage. Its promotors felt that any free union of adults should be considered legitimate and that people had the right to sexual pleasure without social or legal restraints.

This idea has been popularized in media and entertainment. Promiscuous characters like James Bond are celebrated. Lifetime moves often include one person leaving their spouse to follow their heart after “true love.” Sitcoms like Friends, which is having a resurgence celebrate sex (in fact in 236 episodes the 6 main characters have 85 sexual partners that appeared in the show per an article run by Vulture magazine).

In other words, this behavior has become normalized. And technology facilitates quick connection and secrecy. Dating apps became the doorway for one-night stands and quick hookups. DMs in social platforms become the communication tools of choice (avoiding text messages). Jim Collins in his book From Good to Great, wrote that Technology is an accelerator and in this case it is accelerating these types of relationships.

In light of the traceable decline of societal health and morality, we need to fight to have healthy relationships. If we want lasting, fulfilling relationships we need to contend for them.

Thankfully, God has given us both His Spirit and the word of God. Through God’s wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit we can build healthy, strong, relationships. We can have lasting marriages.

We Need Another Way

Isaiah 55:8 The Message

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.” God’s Decree.

We already know that the world’s way of relationship rarely produce strong, healthy ones. While there is some good news in that divorce rates have declined roughly 5% since 2000 (49%) to 2019 (44%), each year nearly half of all marriages are ending.

In fact, Christians who don’t build their relationships God’s way often follow the world’s results (there is about a 30-35% divorce rate reported among self-identified Christians per the National Marriage Project).

Thankfully, we can build differently. We can choose to build stronger, godly relationships and marriages according to God’s word.

Isaiah 55:10–11 NLT

10 “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. 11 It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

God’s word works. It is powerful. It accomplishes its purpose. It is not empty or vain but effective. God’s word is not simply made of clever platitudes. It was through God’s word that the universe was created (Hebrews 11:3).

If the universe was built by the word of God, what do you think that the word will do in your life and relationships?

Strong Marriage, God’s Way

God is a relational Being. The Scriptures speak extensively on the topic of relationships and marriage and I want to look at three important ideas they give us to help us build a strong marriage.

Keep Covenant

Proverbs 2:10–17 NKJV

10 When wisdom enters your heart, And knowledge is pleasant to your soul, 11 Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, 12 To deliver you from the way of evil, From the man who speaks perverse things, 13 From those who leave the paths of uprightness To walk in the ways of darkness; 14 Who rejoice in doing evil, And delight in the perversity of the wicked; 15 Whose ways are crooked, And who are devious in their paths; 16 To deliver you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words, 17 Who forsakes the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God.

The one who forsakes God’s wisdom will forget their covenant.

God has declared marriage is a covenant, not a simple social contract.

A contract is about expected benefit. A covenant is about a desired relationship.

A contract is initiated by mutual agreement. A covenant is initiated by the stronger party.

A contract is thing-oriented and worked out by negotiation. A covenant is person-oriented and instituted with a gift.

A contract obligation is based on a person’s performance (keeping the terms). A covenant obligation is focused on loyalty.

A contract has a specific termination date or condition. A covenant is of an indeterminate length, often forever.

A contract is clear on its terms so that it every breach can be easily identified. A covenant can be broken but when it happens is less clear because the focus is not on stipulation but on a quality of intimacy.

Covenant is characterized by faithfulness and loyalty in love. It is the way of God toward us.

Psalm 117:1–2 ESV

1 Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! 2 For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!

One of the pillars of a strong marriage is commitment. It is a commitment to covenant.

It is commitment in the face of every circumstance. It is a choice of faithfulness and steadfast love.

Illustration: “Divorce is not an option.” - one study shows that 43% of divorces were caused by lack of commitment (with an additional 28% caused by unfaithfulness).

If you are planning on getting married understand that you are making a covenant between you, your future spouse, and God (marriage if of the Lord - Mark 10:9). You cannot go into it half-hearted or partially commited.

If you are married, you need to keep yourself in faithful, loyal love. You didn’t sign a contract or make a business deal for mutual benefit. You entered into a solemn and holy covenant.

Keep Communicating

Proverbs 18:21–22 NKJV

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. 22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.

It is no coincidence, I think, that the verse which declares the power of words is immediately followed by a declaration of the value of a wife.

Communication is essential for growth in intimacy. Through it we are known and understood.

Another critical function of communication is that it creates or expresses expectation.

Unmanaged expectation is a premeditated resentment.

This quote implies that when things do not line up to our expectation then we become resentful (cf. Proverbs 13:12).

If we do not share our expectations how can our spouse keep them? And worse, how can we blame them for not meeting them?

Quality is meeting expectations. — Dr. Mark Rutland

Examples:

You order a medium-well steak and they give you well-done.

You work out hard and diet for two weeks and yet the scale shows the same number.

You ask your spouse to take out the trash and when you get back it is still there.

Think about it — when things don’t match your reasonable expectation you get disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, or even angry.

Illustration: FPU - budget committee meeting; “nerd” vs “free spirit.”

If you are planning on getting married and want to start with a good foundation you need to communicate early and often. Define and articulate your expectations: emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc.

If you are married you need to continue to communicate. Don’t let unmet expectation destroy your intimacy. Talk, communicate, share your heart. Honor one another by listening.

Keep Cleaving

Genesis 2:24 KJV 1900

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Matthew 19:4–6 AMP

4 He replied, Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate).

There are two movements here that are essential: leave and cleave. Another pillar of a strong relationship and marriage is connection.

In marriage, you leave your parent’s house and cleave to your wife. But this principle extends beyond that.

There are things that you need to leave, let go of, in order to be able to have a strong marriage. Things like selfishness, your past, your way, false expectations (how my family did it), even other relationships.

You leave these things so that you can more fully unite and join with your spouse.

Illustration: Story about games.

If you want to get married you will need to leave certain things behind so that you can cleave to your spouse.

If you are married, you will need to continue to leave things so that you can more deeply connect and unite with your spouse.

What are the things that you need to leave? What things are taking more of your time, attention, etc. than your spouse?

To build a strong marriage, you need to continue to let go of things that keep you from connection and cleave to those things which bring you and keep you close.

Conclusion

A strong marriage requires ongoing commitment, communication, and connection.

Remember that marriage is not simply about two individuals but it includes God. And one of the purposes of marriage is to present a living illustration of unity betwen God and His people, Jesus and His bride the church.

He is interested in you having a strong marriage. He has given us His Spirit and wisdom in the word of God so that we can have them.

If you will commit to covenant, communication, and connection then your relationship will grow stronger.

Not only that, but your marriage will testify of something more…God’s love for His church and His desire for union with her.

Pray