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Building A Strong Marriage
In the first part of this series we looked at building a strong life.
In this message, I want to talk to you about building strong relationships and especially building strong marriages.
Aren’t you tired of hearing about failed relationships—of people who have been together for a certain period of time who seemingly suddenly call it quits?
But isn’t it great when we hear of couples celebrating 50 years of marriage or more?
Don’t you hope that you can have a lasting relationship?
I don’t think anyone gets married expecting that they will get a divorce.
Today’s headlines are riddled with examples of how culture and technology are shifting away from godly purpose and enabling cheap, quick relationships.
The “sexual revolution” of the 1960’s made a push for “free love” in the name of feminism with anti-institution and anti-repressive sentiment.
In part, it was a rebellion against marriage.
Its promotors felt that any free union of adults should be considered legitimate and that people had the right to sexual pleasure without social or legal restraints.
This idea has been popularized in media and entertainment.
Promiscuous characters like James Bond are celebrated.
Lifetime moves often include one person leaving their spouse to follow their heart after “true love.”
Sitcoms like Friends, which is having a resurgence celebrate sex (in fact in 236 episodes the 6 main characters have 85 sexual partners that appeared in the show per an article run by Vulture magazine).
In other words, this behavior has become normalized.
And technology facilitates quick connection and secrecy.
Dating apps became the doorway for one-night stands and quick hookups.
DMs in social platforms become the communication tools of choice (avoiding text messages).
Jim Collins in his book From Good to Great, wrote that Technology is an accelerator and in this case it is accelerating these types of relationships.
In light of the traceable decline of societal health and morality, we need to fight to have healthy relationships.
If we want lasting, fulfilling relationships we need to contend for them.
Thankfully, God has given us both His Spirit and the word of God.
Through God’s wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit we can build healthy, strong, relationships.
We can have lasting marriages.
We Need Another Way
We already know that the world’s way of relationship rarely produce strong, healthy ones.
While there is some good news in that divorce rates have declined roughly 5% since 2000 (49%) to 2019 (44%), each year nearly half of all marriages are ending.
In fact, Christians who don’t build their relationships God’s way often follow the world’s results (there is about a 30-35% divorce rate reported among self-identified Christians per the National Marriage Project).
Thankfully, we can build differently.
We can choose to build stronger, godly relationships and marriages according to God’s word.
God’s word works.
It is powerful.
It accomplishes its purpose.
It is not empty or vain but effective.
God’s word is not simply made of clever platitudes.
It was through God’s word that the universe was created (Hebrews 11:3).
If the universe was built by the word of God, what do you think that the word will do in your life and relationships?
Strong Marriage, God’s Way
God is a relational Being.
The Scriptures speak extensively on the topic of relationships and marriage and I want to look at three important ideas they give us to help us build a strong marriage.
Keep Covenant
The one who forsakes God’s wisdom will forget their covenant.
God has declared marriage is a covenant, not a simple social contract.
A contract is about expected benefit.
A covenant is about a desired relationship.
A contract is initiated by mutual agreement.
A covenant is initiated by the stronger party.
A contract is thing-oriented and worked out by negotiation.
A covenant is person-oriented and instituted with a gift.
A contract obligation is based on a person’s performance (keeping the terms).
A covenant obligation is focused on loyalty.
A contract has a specific termination date or condition.
A covenant is of an indeterminate length, often forever.
A contract is clear on its terms so that it every breach can be easily identified.
A covenant can be broken but when it happens is less clear because the focus is not on stipulation but on a quality of intimacy.
Covenant is characterized by faithfulness and loyalty in love.
It is the way of God toward us.
One of the pillars of a strong marriage is commitment.
It is a commitment to covenant.
It is commitment in the face of every circumstance.
It is a choice of faithfulness and steadfast love.
Illustration: “Divorce is not an option.”
- one study shows that 43% of divorces were caused by lack of commitment (with an additional 28% caused by unfaithfulness).
If you are planning on getting married understand that you are making a covenant between you, your future spouse, and God (marriage if of the Lord - Mark 10:9).
You cannot go into it half-hearted or partially commited.
If you are married, you need to keep yourself in faithful, loyal love.
You didn’t sign a contract or make a business deal for mutual benefit.
You entered into a solemn and holy covenant.
Keep Communicating
It is no coincidence, I think, that the verse which declares the power of words is immediately followed by a declaration of the value of a wife.
Communication is essential for growth in intimacy.
Through it we are known and understood.
Another critical function of communication is that it creates or expresses expectation.
Unmanaged expectation is a premeditated resentment.
This quote implies that when things do not line up to our expectation then we become resentful (cf.
Proverbs 13:12).
If we do not share our expectations how can our spouse keep them?
And worse, how can we blame them for not meeting them?
Quality is meeting expectations.
— Dr. Mark Rutland
Examples:
You order a medium-well steak and they give you well-done.
You work out hard and diet for two weeks and yet the scale shows the same number.
You ask your spouse to take out the trash and when you get back it is still there.
Think about it — when things don’t match your reasonable expectation you get disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, or even angry.
Illustration: FPU - budget committee meeting; “nerd” vs “free spirit.”
If you are planning on getting married and want to start with a good foundation you need to communicate early and often.
Define and articulate your expectations: emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc.
If you are married you need to continue to communicate.
Don’t let unmet expectation destroy your intimacy.
Talk, communicate, share your heart.
Honor one another by listening.
Keep Cleaving
There are two movements here that are essential: leave and cleave.
Another pillar of a strong relationship and marriage is connection.
In marriage, you leave your parent’s house and cleave to your wife.
But this principle extends beyond that.
There are things that you need to leave, let go of, in order to be able to have a strong marriage.
Things like selfishness, your past, your way, false expectations (how my family did it), even other relationships.
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