Boundaries
Boundaries • Sermon • Submitted
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· 5 viewsLesson #1 From the book: Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
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Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you,
And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.
How many have had an issue with someone stepping over your boundaries?
What I have found is that your the one with the boundary issue!
Story: Father who went to councilor for his sons “problems”.
Where is he? He feels like he does not have any problems and refused to come.
What are your sons problems:
Drugs
Failed out of collage 3 times
How?
Didn’t have the grades but I was on board...
Second time: Put in condo off campus so he would not have access to parties, gave allowance so would not have to work and he partied anyway
Third time: who knows
Where is he now? In Vail CO on a ski trip
I can’t help your son, he has no problems!
Of course he has problems!
No, does a man on a Colorado ski trip sound like he has problems?
You, dad/mom have a drug problem, you have a failing problem
What I can do is help your son to have problems!
Boundaries are property lines that define what we are responsible for and not responsible for.
Draw square to illustrate boundary lines
Healthy boundaries are designed to help us live our lives as God intended.
We have all found that the needs and demands of others get in the way, how do we determine what I should or shouldn not do.
This is the function of a boundary - to keep the good in and the bad out.
Act as an alarm system.
Help protect our freedom.
What is a boundary?
Property line - defines where ownership begins and end.
This is me, this is you
Property lines gives you:
Control Gal 5 - fruit of the spirit
Defines responsibility for what happens in my property, but not someone else's
I am MY problem, YOU are your problem
(We do have a responsibility to each other but that is not the lesson for today. What we are talking about now is what are we responsible for.)
When you don’t have boundaries, people and circumstance place liens on your property.
Consequence - define and protect your property
Example: tree on neighbors property falls on your fence - it goes to court and the judge will tell your neighbor that the cleanup and repair for the damage is the neighbors fault…
So when people don’t take responsibility for their lives, there is collateral damage that is done to the surrounding property (lives).
If you don’t have boundaries, when a loved one is addicted, insecure, angry, manipulative, abusive - YOU end up with all the pain of that loved ones problems!
NOT talking about legitimately helping one another - bearing one another burdens.
Boundaries set limits...
This is your tree, your addiction, your problem, your anger
SO does God have boundaries?
Two sides to God that are always parallel.
Love vs. Righteousness
Grace vs. Truth
Mercy vs. Responsibility
God loves but will ALWAYS hold people accountable
Always go together
If he loved without holding ppl accountable he would be co-dependent
If he only held ppl accountable wo love then he would be a tyrant
BUT he has boundaries!
Forgiveness and righteousness
For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.
So in every violation of boundaries we apply a combination of grace and truth!
I love you, here are the requirements and consequences.
What does the bible call it when you enter someone else’s property?
And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins;
And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses;
Boundaries tell you what you are responsible for and who you are responsible to.
I am responsible for me
I am responsible to you
I have to trim the trees on my property and fix the mess when I don’t.
So, I say/do something that hurts you I have a responsibility to go to you and make it right.
I am responsible for me, what I do.
BUT what if you do something to me and don’t make it right?
You don’t clean up your tree that fell on my fence…
BEST: don’t be offended
ALSO: you are responsible for you feelings and say that is hurting me.
Stop, you have crossed my boundary!
I am not responsible for you behavior, I am responsible to you for reconciliation.
Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.
When do we loose boundaries?
When we judge someone based on their situation or circumstance.
You allow them to trespass into your property because they have a special circumstance.
I am going to once again lend uncle Joe money I don’t have because he is having a hard time.
Truth:
Uncle Joe has enough money to eat at Texas Roadhouse last week…
Uncle Joe has a tough time every month just about 2 days before my payday…
So because of their situation, I allow them to trespass into my finances once again.
Part of being well (yourself and the trespasser) is holding them accountable.
It don’t mean you don’t feel bad for them...
Rather love them enough to hurt them.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Don’t mean a friend knows how to hurt you the best...
Rather, that a friend will speak truth to you.
Bishop Bertel’s Translation (BBT) - A true friend will have boundaries…
Boundaries keep good stuff in and bad stuff out.
Protection
Why do you have doors and locks?
So why do you let just anyone trample you emotional and spritual property?
Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life.
I will sing of mercy and judgment: unto thee, O Lord, will I sing.
I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart.
I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.
A froward heart shall depart from me: I will not know a wicked person.
Whoso privily slandereth his neighbour, him will I cut off: Him that hath an high look and a proud heart will not I suffer.
Mine eyes shall be upon the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with me: He that walketh in a perfect way, he shall serve me.
He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: He that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.
I will early destroy all the wicked of the land; That I may cut off all wicked doers from the city of the Lord.
Make choices to let good ppl in and keep bad ppl out.
Boundaries are not walls.
There are gates where I can let love in but close to abuse.
Our response when we confront a trespasser is to shrug it off…
OK, that’s on them!
If they want to be a jerk...
JUST OPEN THE GATES AND LET THEM ABUSE YOU!
BUT the bible builds the fence higher at each turn…
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Progression of trespass:
Trespass
You go and express the violation
If the trespasser sees the offense and corrects, you have won a brother
If the trespasser does not see the offence then go and get 1-2 more and have them listen.
If the trespasser still will not listen
Tell the church
If the trespasser still will not listen
Wall him or her off
What is the next verse?
Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
What I wall out of my life physically will be walled out spiritually...
Boundaries came from God.
God is separate from his creation
New Age philosophy says we are god and all is one...
God gave us boundaries.
Skin - physical boundaries
Words - when someone is verbally abusing you there is a word that is a fence, NO, stop, that’s hurtful. SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Truth - God’s Word gives us the boundaries - be honest
Geographic - physical separation
A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; But the simple pass on, and are punished.
There are times when physical or emotional separation is appropriate to hide yourself!
Trust broken can only be restored little by little.
Other people are boundaries - support system
What is on my property that I am responsible for?
Thoughts and feelings - you choose your feelings by choosing your thoughts.
How many times have you walked into a room and it seemed “they” were talking about you?
Attitudes - You choose your attitude
Your attitudes are based on your feelings…
Behaviors and choices -
Your behaviors and choices are based on your attitudes and feelings
Values
Your values are determined by your behaviors and choices
Desires
Your values determine your desires
Limits
Your values determine how far you will go
Talents (remember this parable)
What you will love
Love
Who you will love
If I have attitudes, behaviors, choices, thoughts, feelings in my life that are negative, I have to take responsibility for how I am feeling or thinking and go talk to you about it.
I have to take ownership of my attitude.
No one is resoncible for anything today...
My dad abused me, it’s his fault
No it’s your fault because you did not take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, you allowed an attitude to develop that caused you to make wrong choices/behavior. Because of this, you never developed core values so your desires became selfish and limitless. Now you abuse all you love!
Our problems are our problems!
Problems don’t mean you are bad...
Revelation of weakness in your life!
So go to the gym and strengthen that muscle!
Conclusion:
Boundaries are the structure of the way that God designed life.
Synonym for boundaries: stewardship
Boundaries are not mean, don’t mean you don’t love...
Properly established boundaries mean that you will be able to properly extend yourself...
Questions:
Can you see areas where you have had boundary issues?
Where did you learn that you were responsible for other people trespasses? (Where did you learn saying no was wrong?)
Who is going to be you support system?
