Training Up our Children

As we’ve considered the characteristics, or rather tha character traits of those who are transformed by the Gospel, we’ve seen that their lives are to be marked by a Christ-likeness in all of their conduct.

Our treatment of one another within church; our treatment of one another in our homes; our treatment of other people within work contexts, school contexts etc. is to marked by Christ-like character.

This is certainly not easy!

Now, we’ve started looking at how this looks in family relations.

We saw how wives are to be subject to (or submissive to) their husbands.

We’ve seen how husbands are to love their wives, and treat them well.

We looked together at the command given to children, and the fact that God calls children to honour / be obedient to their parents.

And the next subject in this series would be to consider the parent’s responsibility to their children.

I had planned to get onto this topic next week, but with Marco being unwell, I’ve decided to actually break this topic up into two sections.

If you read Colossians 3:21, you’ll see the one aspect of parents training up their children..

Colossians 3:21 NIV84

21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

This verse in Colossians really speaks to the manner in which children are raised up, disciplined, trained etc. In the parallel section in Ephesians 6:4, there is an added dimension to the call to parents, and it’s that added dimension that I’d like to briefly consider this evening.

Ephesians 6:4 NIV84

4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

This evening I’d like us to consider the second half of Ephesians 6:4, which isn’t actually brought out in Colossians 3:21, but is so important for parents to consider.

While the initial half of the verse warns parents to be careful of how they raise their children, so as not to embitter them, the second half emphsizes the importance of actually training them very intentionally in the ways of God. That is what we will be considering this evening.

1. Who is Addressed?

The first thing we note from verse 4 is that the verse is addressed to fathers.

Now, immediately I want to make the point that this verse does not only apply to fathers, but rather to mothers and fathers.

Proverbs 1:8 NASB95

8 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction And do not forsake your mother’s teaching;

Proverbs 6:20 NASB95

20 My son, observe the commandment of your father And do not forsake the teaching of your mother;

Proverbs 23:22 NASB95

22 Listen to your father who begot you, And do not despise your mother when she is old.

Proverbs 30:11 NASB95

11 There is a kind of man who curses his father And does not bless his mother.

All through the book of Proverbs, it is clearly evident that both mother and father are responsible for the training up and teaching of the children.

Beyond that, it is usually the case that mothers have far more influence over their children, particuarly in the younger years, because they will generally spend far more time with their children that fathers.

Biblically, it is the wife’s / mother’s responsibility to be at home and raise the children, while the fathers are out seeking to provide for their families.

A wonderful example of this is found in Timothy, where Paul actually reminds Timothy that it was his mother and grandmother that essentially shaped his thinking in terms of God.

2 Timothy 1:5 NASB95

5 For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well.

Where did Timothy (whose father was a Greek) learn his faith? Through his mother and grandmother. They had powerful influences over his life.

In that sense, we must keep in mind that this call applies to parents generally.

However, in a home with both parents present, the ultimate responsibility rests on fathers to actually train up their children as per the requirements in God’s word.

This is the natural extension of the father’s headship in the home. As the one who is head of the home, the direction and tone of the home should be set by fathers. Much of the teaching should flow out of the life of the father, both in terms of his conduct, and also in terms of what gets taught in the home.

Let me encourage our fathers not to get so caught up in “providing for” the family, that you are never able to “teach and instruct” in the family. This requires, indeed God calls for, our involvement.

With that in mind…

2. What is Required?

As Paul writes this letter to the Ephesians, he gives parents some very important and helpful guidance in terms of what is involved in their input into their children’s lives. There are three words that Paul uses here that will help us to discern how it is that we are to raise our children.

2.1. Nourishment

The instruction that is given by Paul here is to “bring them up” in a particular manner.

The word in the Greek that is used here for “bringing them up” actually has the meaning to “nourish them.” It has the idea of providing a particular kind of care for them as our children, so that their lives would be filled and well nourished. The same word is used for the nourishment of the physical body in Ephesians 5:29…

Ephesians 5:29 NASB95

29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

Every human nourishes their body through feeding it. This is the same word that Paul uses when calling upon parents to raise their children in a particular manner.

The work and the task of parents is to provide such care for their children so that their lives are built up and nourished in that which is good for them, so that they will reach maturity. We will see a little later on that this maturity is always in relation to God. In other words, it must have in mind a building up and nourishing such that spiritual maturity is reached. That is the goal.

Fathers and mothers are to nurture, and to feed into the lives of their children in such a manner that their children are nourished towards living godly lives.

That leads us to the second word that Paul uses…

2.2. Discipline

The word that Paul uses here has the idea of training them in the skills, character and ability that they need to enable them to live life to the glory of God.

It certainly includes and element of instruction in it, but it goes beyond this. It has to do with disciplined training. The same word is used in 2 Timothy 3:16

2 Timothy 3:16 NASB95

16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

That word training is the word that is used here.

Now, before I take this further in terms of what it means, I want us to consider what it means to train as an athlete. I’ll use swimming as an example, simply because that’s the area my own children have at least received some dedicated physical training.

But think about an olympic swimmer. Their training does not simply involve getting into a pool of water and swimming lengths. It is significantly more than that!

An olympic swimmer is trained through technique exercise, from how they dive into the water, to how they do underwater dolphin kicks to push them further as quickly as possible, to how the do their tumble turns as efficiently as possible to how they approach the end of a lap in order to touch the wall quicker. Of course, they’re trained to carry out their stroke in as efficient manner as possible.

But it goes beyond this. Sometimes it wil involve other fitness and strength training exercises. That may mean working out in the gym in order to strength particular groupings of muscles.

But it extends even further than this. Olympic level athletes are required to wake up in the early hours of the morning, and get to bed at an appropriate time. They’re trained a routine in life and stick to it, because going outside of it will cost them a medal.

Even beyond this, they go according to a strict diet. Any foods that fall outside of their strict dietry requirements are not allowed.

Now, before you go home this evening and thrust your children into an olympic training regimen, please wait until we finish next week’s sermon on not exasperating them.

But the point is this. Training is multi-faceted, and it is disciplined.

The same word that Paul uses here for discipline is found in Hebrews 12 when the writer to the Hebrews speaks about God disciplining the children that He loves.

Hebrews 12:7–8 NASB95

7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

The purposes of God for His own children is to train them and instruct them to become people that bring honour and glory to Him.

Now, we must note that such discipline is not easy. In fact, the discipline is very often hard.

Hebrews 12:11 NASB95

11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Now, in the same way that the instruction that God gives to us as his children is painful, or sorrowful, we need to recognise as parents that the training and disicipline that we give to our own children is not going to be easy for them.

What we should not do is say to ourselves that we aren’t going to discipline them because we can see it’s difficult for them. That would be unloving.

Rather, we are to train them and teach them in such a manner that they learn through the struggles of discipline. We should not exasperate them… we need to do this in an understanding manner. We need to give consideration to our children, and who they are, and be sensitive to them.

But we must not leave them at the first moaning and groaning that comes from their mouths. It’s going to happen, but we should graciously and lovingly seek to keep training them.

That leads us to the third word that Paul uses…

2.3. Instruction

This word certainly relates to instruction, but it goes beyond mere giving instructions, or teaching them how to do things. It is a strong word that has to do with warning.

Colossians 1:28 NASB95

28 We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.

The word “admonishing” is the same word that is used here, and it contains within it a sense of giving them warning.

One major Greek lexicon defines the word like this: “to counsel about avoidance or cessation of an improper course of conduct.”

There is a dimension of corrective warning that needs to be given by parents in order to ensure that their children are directed and guided along the paths of wisdom through God’s word.

As parents, particularly if we are Christian parents, God has given us a measure of wisdom that ought to be carried over to our children in terms of life in this world. And we need to give encouragement and admonition. Proverbs speaks about folly being bound up in the heart of a child, and the rod of discipline driving such folly far from them.

The point I want to bring from that is that from us as parents is needed as part of driving that folly out of them.

Notice how Paul uses this word in…

1 Thessalonians 5:14 NASB95

14 We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

Note: NIV = Warn those who are idle…

With that said, we must do this in a gracious and compassionate manner. Paul did this very thing, even when admonishing the believers who needed it.

1 Corinthians 4:14 NASB95

14 I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.

Notice the affection in that verse that Paul expresses to the church in Corinth. And this was a church that was struggling with significant pride. He admonished, but he was careful to express his love and care for them. This is how we as parents should admonish.

Another example…

2 Thessalonians 3:15 NASB95

15 Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.

There is a warmth and affection that goes along with the admonishment. The same word is even used in Colossians 3:16

Colossians 3:16 NASB95

16 Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

The admonishing doesn’t meaning shouting at the children, or belittling the children, or using nasty threats against the children. Yes, the warning is there, but it is gracious and kind and filled with mercy and love. And while the child may feel the rigours of the training and discipline, they nonetheless have a tangible experience of the love and affection in which the training is saturated.

Now, with this in mind, we must ask the question…

3. Where is the Focus?

The simple answer to that is, “The Lord.” This discipline and instruction in which the children are to be nurtured is the discipline and instruction “of the Lord.”

John Piper says explains this with these words:

I take it to mean that the content of a father’s teachings and warnings, and the method of a father’s modeling discipline, and the goal of a father’s whole life with his children will be from the Lord, through the Lord, and for the Lord. That is, a father will guide all his words and ways by God’s word, and depend on God’s wisdom and strength to apply them, and make everything serve the glory of Christ. [https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/more-thoughts-for-fathers-on-ephesians-6-4]

As parents train up their children, they are to first and foremost be seeking to train them in the ways of God.

In the Old Testament, this was a vital element in the training up of the children of Israel. Deuteronomy 5 contains the laws by Israel was to live (the 10 commandments). Then, going into chapter 6, we find the extent to which Israel was to keep these things in their minds.

Turn to Deuteronomy 6:1…

Deuteronomy 6:1–9 NIV84

1 These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. 3 Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you. 4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

This text gives us something of a glimpse of how important it is to teach and to live in the ways of God. The instruction to the Israelites was, know God, and know the ways of God. Walk in the ways of God. Teach the ways of God so that your offspring can also walk in His ways.

That’s really what I’d like us to see from that. As Christian parents, we are called to teach our children the ways of God.

This is not merely a matter of teaching them good morals. It’s not merely about teaching them rules. Yes, we should certainly teach them morals, rules etc. But the Christian life is far more than this. It is about teaching them both through our words and our actions, the glorious truths of Scripture that are ultimately focused upon Christ our Lord. It is about teaching them the whole counsel of God, and applying that to daily living.

With all of that in mind, I would like us to consider…

4. The Urgent Need of our Day

We’ve seen through this verse just how important it is for us to be training up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. At this point, I would like us to consider something of the urgent need for this in our day.

By saying this I do not mean to say that our day needs this more urgently than any other. Satan has always been at work, and will always be at work, and there has always been an urgent need in this regard. Rather, I want to focus on some of the urgent areas of need that as parents need to be cognisant of, and why our urgent attention to this responsibility is critical.

I’m going to just mention some of the more pressing issues, without actually delving deeply into them. But I would encourage you as parents to give thought to these issues, as these are some of the matters that we need to be addressing with our children and teaching them in.

1. Church Persecution

This may sound rather strange, but Christian persecution is on the increase. We don’t want to classify any and all opposition as persecution, because it’s not. But we need to be aware of the fact that there is an increase in persecution, and our children need to be prepared.

If we constantly promote safety and comfort as the highest priorities in life (by our own actions or by our words) then we will not be preparing our children to face suffering and persecution that the Scriptures tell us will be a reality. We need to prepare our children to stand fast in Christ, to delight in Christ, even in the midst of suffering.

2. Sexual Revolution

This is probably the most dominant cultural issue of our day. We need to be solidly grounded in Biblical sexual ethics, and we need to be training and teaching our children (in age-appropriate manners) what the Scriptures teach on this subject.

Our kids are being taught a completely unbiblical view on sexuality at school, and it is fast being normalised. Think back to about 30 years ago, and what was and wasn’t acceptable. Then look at today in terms of what is normal.

3. Online Living

There is an entire world accessible online.

This is available thought social media.

This is available through YouTube, blogs, internet pages etc.

It’s an entire world that is influencing our children.

We must not think that what our children see is innocent or innocuous. It is impacting them.

The fact is that we need to have an awareness of these things, and we need to be training our children in these matters.

4. Competing Anthropologies

This is more important that what one may realise.

The world’s understanding of man, and man’s problems, is extremely far removed from the Biblical description.

5. Personal Spiritual Experiences

While Christianity is under attack, spirituality is all the rage.

We need to be aware of the kinds of thinking involved here. New Age teachings are very subtle, and they will come in through certain phrases and thinking.

6. Personal Mission

Children are being exposed to a world where self-actualization and self-advancement are king.

In other words, the Biblical norm of humility and servanthood are absent from the thinking of the world.

5. Application

What are some practical ways in which we can practice and implement these things?

Make involvement in the life of the church normal.

Instill a culture of family devotions

Foster devotional times in your children’s lives

Bring Scripture to bear in daily life

Encourage your children to attend youth group / youth camps etc.

Be specific and deliberate about your teaching.

Put boundaries in place, but be sensible and reasonable

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