Love Better

How the Dream Comes Crashing Down

God has a dream, an ideal for marriage. He designed humans to reflect his image, especially his unity, his covenant faithfulness, and his love. He intended that we would show the world what God is like through our marriages and relationships, and he designed us for life-long companionship and blessing.

But… very shortly after God created Adam and Eve a problem was introduced—a threat.

The Invisible Threat

God’s great purposes for marriage and all of humanity were challenged by a fallen angel, Satan, also known as “the serpent.”

Gen 3:1 “Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?””

God created Adam and Eve with the capacity to choose between God’s desires for their lives and their own desires—His way or their way.

Satan entered their story and convinced them to trust their own way rather than God’s. Immediately they moved away from oneness and drifted toward isolation from each other and God.

For the first time in history, people experienced:

Shame — Gen 3:7 “...they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.”

Guilt — Gen 3:8 “...the man and his wife hid themselves....”

Fear — Gen 3:9-10 “...I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

Blame-shifting — Gen 3:11-14 “...The woman whom you gave” “...The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Battle for control — Gen 3:15-16 “...Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”

Satan continues to sabotage oneness in families today by encouraging independence from God. He knows it will have far reaching consequences:

Distorting a vision of God’s existence

Destroying God’s influence on future generations

Disrupting companionship between spouses and friends

The tragedy today is that many Christians think they are fighting flesh and blood in their marital and parenting issues, rather than realizing that Satan has an agenda to destroy their home. Whoever controls the family controls the future. ~ Tony Evans

The Internal Threat

We have a heart-level posture of trusting our own way over God’s way. This stems from our sinful nature that the Bible calls walking in the “flesh.”

No one is immune to this problem.

Isaiah 53:6 “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.”

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

We tend to think of ourselves first and foremost.

We have blindspots—we’re easily deceived into believing our thoughts, judgments, and choices are usually right.

Prov 14:12 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”

We see the faults in others—especially our spouse—before we see them in ourselves. Often accusing and criticizing others for the very same things we do.

We seek out ways to fix the emptiness created by sin. When our souls feel restless we chase after alternatives — “affairs” — to fill the void.

A person outside our marriage

Your career and ambitions

Your favorite activities and pursuits

Other relationships you prioritize over your spouse

Fantasy or pornographic material

Jeremiah 2:13 “for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

God is the need-meeting fountain of living water. While all my attempts to solve my needs on my own are empty and dry.

Making it Personal: How do you see your “flesh” act out in your relationships?

self-centeredness

fits of anger

shaming

avoiding

hiding

laziness

jealousy

blame

sexual temptation

stubbornness

addictions

lying

bitterness

self-righteousness

bickering

pride

apathy

obscene words

The External Threat

When you have a world full of people choosing their own way over God’s purposes and plans for human flourishing, you experience:

Competing philosophies: a world offering deceptive alternatives to God’s design for our marriage. They say marriage is outdate, unnecessary, a contract, primarily about me and my desires, or that its a form of control.

Compelling influencers: A world full of influential platforms and personalities producing images, ideas, and thoughts about relationships that often contradict God’s design for our marriage.

1 John 2:15–16 ESV

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.

The Bible speaks of three major threats to your life and marriage:

Satan — The invisible threat

Eph 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”

Our sinful nature — the internal threat

Our world — the external threat

Marriage is under attack. Marriage has always been under attack. The world, the flesh and the devil are all adamantly opposed to marriage, and especially to marriages that are distinctly Christian. Marriage, after all, is given by God to strengthen his people and to glorify himself; little wonder, then, that it is constantly a great battleground. ~ Tim Challies

Remember this: Your Spouse is Not Your Enemy

God’s Power For Oneness

God’s original design for marriage was for oneness. Following God’s design leads to oneness, and following any alternative we can dream of or the world throws at us will always lead to isolation.

A.W. Tozer once said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”

What words come to your mind when you think about God?

There are four ways that God offers help and hope to our lives and marriages.

God pursues us even when we don’t pursue Him.

He loves us

Lam 3:22-23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

He knows our sin nature is a problem we can’t fix on our own.

Sin can’t be excused by a holy God — Isaiah 59:2 “but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.”

Sin has consequences in this life and the next — 2 Corinthians 5:10 “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.”

Sin can’t be cleansed by good works, or good behavior, or good intentions — Isaiah 64:6 “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.”

In God’s economy, sin can only be dealt with by the shedding of blood — Heb 9:22 “Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.”

He knows we were made to experience something more — Eph 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

“God pursues us. He pursues us in our brokenness. He pursues us in our mishaps. Despite our rebellion or resistance, He pursues us to the very end.” Dana Arcuri

God restores our companionship with Him through Jesus.

Romans 5:8 “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Jesus said He came to comfort the weary, relieve burdens, and satisfy the deepest longings of the soul. — Matt 11:28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” John 6:35 “Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”

Jesus said the condition of our hearts matters more than the appearance of good behavior. – MATT 23:27-28 ““Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Jesus said that not even the worst behavior disqualifies someone from His love and acceptance. — Luke 5:30-32 “And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.””

Jesus said we need to be transformed from the inside out. — John 3:3 “Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.””

Jesus said He is the only way to God and equated Himself with God. — John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Jesus said He died and rose again and that we must believe in Him for our sins to be forgiven. — John 20:27-29 “Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.””

John 8:24 “I told you that you would die in your sins, for unless you believe that I am he you will die in your sins.””

Jesus said His followers would share His good news with people everywhere and bring light to the darkness.

Matt 5:14-16 ““You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Do you need a new start? Do you need to be born again? Do you need to believe for the first time that Jesus lived, died, and rose again to fulfill the requirements the law has on your life, so you can experience oneness with God?

Repent: Acts 17:30 “The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent,”

Believe: Romans 10:9 “because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

Receive: John 1:12 “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,”

If you haven’t prayed it before, pray this prayer with me to accept Jesus as your savior:

“God, thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. I recognize that I’ve been trying to make life work without You. I repent of my sins and ask you to forgive me. I submit to you as the absolute leader of my life. From this point forward help me follow and love you with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me love those around me like you love me.”

Question: Are you approaching your life, marriage and the people around you like you’ve been restored by Jesus? Whether you’ve been a Christian for some time, or you just accepted him as your Lord and Savior today, we all need to be reminded that in Christ we have a new family, a new identity, a new mission, a new destination, and a new power to love. Jesus gives us a new life!

The third way God gives us the power to have oneness in our relationships is that God empowers us with the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:16 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

God asks us to love our spouse (and others) in ways that don’t come naturally:

Eph 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths...”

1 Pet 3:9 “Do not repay evil for evil... but on the contrary, bless...”

Eph 4:26 “Be angry and do not sin;”

Col 3:13 “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

God sent the Holy spirit to help us.

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things ...”

Follow Jesus wherever He leads us

See the sin in our own life

Forgive the sin in others

Do the right thing in the right way

Love imperfect people like He does

God encourages us to practice habits that help us become more aware of the Spirit’s presence in our life.

1 Tim 4:7-8 “Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

Habits like

prayer

bible study

fellowship with other believers

giving

gratitude

fasting

A Tale of Two Trees

Gal 5:16-17 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.”

The fruit of self and the flesh is

Hatred, rage, lust, jealousy, envy, strife, idolatry, and gossip

But the fruit of the Spirit is

Peace, faithfulness, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control, love, and joy.

As we learn to depend moment by moment on the Holy Spirit, He will help us love our spouse and others supernaturally.

Eph 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” — Lord, help me speak kindly even when I want to scream.

1 Pet 3:9 “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” — Lord, help me show love to this person who I don’t feel deserves it.

Eph 4:26 “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,” — Lord, help me tame my anger, be patient, and listen right now.

Col 3:13 “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” — Lord, help me forgive even though I want to be bitter over what they did to me.

Making it Personal: What area in your relationships do you need to intentionally depend on help from the Holy Spirit?

God encourages us through others to follow Jesus.

Jesus, the Son of God, started His journey with others. — Mark 3:14 “And he appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach”

One reason God created the church was so that we wouldn’t journey alone. — Heb 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Join other couples on the journey to oneness. — 1 Thes 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Trained counselors can help us figure out what’s going on in our hearts. — Prov 20:5 “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”

God offers you help, for life, for marriage, and for every other relationship:

God pursues you

God restores you

God empowers you

And God encourages you through others

What will you choose? Will you follow the path of the world, or your own best judgment? Or will you give up, give in, and surrender to Jesus and let Him do His will in your life?

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Closing Hymn: 655, Happy the Home