Four Pillars of Intimacy - Song of Songs 4

Introduction

For a significant part of my hike, I thought I was on track while I was moving further and further away from where I wanted to be. I was listening to podcasts about the Kim Dynasty in North Korea and having the time of my life. I didn’t realize I was off course until I had already passed the point of no return. That’s bad when you’re hiking, but it’s lethal when you’re married. Very often people wait until their marriage is in ICU before they reach out for any help. They wait until it’s the very hardest to change course to try a new direction.

What you need is a compass and a map that will let you know that you’re not where you’re supposed to be so that you can make sure you’re on course. We need gauges that help open our eyes to the the reality that we’re off course. I believe this is one of the many reasons that God gifts sex to married couples. (I realize this is a sensitive subject, and but it’s an important one that I will try to treat with great care.) Sex can often be a barometer, a measurement of the health of a relationship. If you read virtually any material on marriage counseling, what you will quickly see is that sex is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, source of conflict within marriages. But, while most couples say they are fighting over sex, what we need to recognize is that they’re fighting about far more than that. They’re fighting over all that involves sex, not just sex itself. Sex in their marriage is a barometer that is letting them know that all is not well within their marriage.

God’s Word

That’s why God’s word addresses sex so often, and that’s why we have to talk about it here. It is a great victory for Satan when he is able to make taboo in the church the greatest source of conflict in the marriage. Think about that. We’re all fighting about it. We’re all struggling with it. God says it’s a big deal, but we don’t often talk about it. If only God would give us a book...

Song of Solomon 4:1–8 ESV

Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost its young. Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, built in rows of stone; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon. Depart from the peak of Amana, from the peak of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.

Wholesome Desire

Really, it’s the honeymoon that this Song is building up to even more than the wedding. But, it’s the wedding that is meant to provide the context and the security for the long awaited honeymoon. That is, what we’re seeing here is how God has designed for human beings to flourish from the beginning. Throughout the songs being sung, there is this back and forth yearning for one another, but we’re meant to see that this is right and good and appropriate. It’s a wholesome desire. It’s important that we not miss what is too often missed — the Bible doesn’t say to avoid sex; it says to avoid immoral sex. The inverse actually true — the Bible elevates sex as a gift. The Bible is about freedom, not oppression, but it’s about the right kind of freedom, the kind of freedom that won’t damage your soul.

Physical intimacy within a marriage is always meant to demonstrate spiritual intimacy. It’s a physical sign of a spiritual reality. And, that means that it’s very often a lack of spiritual intimacy that is laying behind a lack of physical intimacy. And, I wonder how many of you sense a lack of intimacy in your marriage. There’s just a sense of distance between you. There’s nothing major that’s wrong, and there’s no huge conflicts. But, there’s distance. There’s coldness that’s difficult to articulate. In the SOS, we see Four Pillars of Intimacy that can help you to reverse the course in your marriage.

Pillar One: Initiation — She moves toward him.

What may surprise you, if you’re unfamiliar with this Song, is that it is the Shulammite that initiates and invites Solomon in (SOS 1-3). There’s no decorum between the husband and wife; she can fully lower her inhibitions with him. There’s almost always one member of the couple who initiates more than the other. That’s fine and natural. It can be a matter of temperament and appetite. But, in healthy relationships, there are times for each to initiate, to express their desire for their spouse. It’s important and valuable.

But, what I want you to think about is what lies behind the Shulammite woman’s initiation.

She felt safe.

We’ve seen already that Solomon went to great lengths to show her that she’s safe, and safety creates the environment in which intimacy flourishes.

You don’t grow close to one another during sex so much as you express closeness during sex.

And closeness with one another is cultivated most in your handling of the hard moments of life. How do you deal with your spouses failures and disappointments? How do you receive their apologies? Do you always bring up their past mistakes to them, or do you point out every way they’ve failed whenever the moments become tense? It’s compromising your closeness.

You don’t initiate with someone who may bite your head off or ruin your day; you avoid them. You’re not safe with them.

She felt comfortable.

Conversations about intimacy are normal for them. They aren’t awkward and cumbersome. The entire book is literally them singing these things to each other.

Healthy couples don’t walk on eggshells around one another. They don’t have to think through how they’re going to say every sentence out of fear of the other person’s response. They’re at ease around one another. They’re natural around one another. They can lower their guard with each other.

And, that’s what translates into initiation. The easier you are to talk with and approach, the easier you are to initiate with too. If it’s difficult to talk with you about what’s going on at work or how you need more help with the house, it isn’t going to be easier to make an advance. No one initiates conversations with people they have to walk on eggshells around.

Ron told me that he felt like his wife was “repulsed” by him physically. He couldn’t understand why she never seemed to be ‘in the mood,’ why she never initiated, or why she seemed withdrawn even when she did accept his invitations. When I asked her to respond, she said, “We never talk about anything. Our communication is only through occasional emails. When he’s home, I never feel comfortable around him. Everything I say seems like it may set off a time bomb.” He wanted his wife to be comfortable approaching him physically, and she wasn’t comfortable talking with him about the grocery list.

She desired him.

The significance of initiation is that it’s an expression of desire. The Shulammite desired her beloved, and she wanted him to know it.

Many people that I meet with believed they are no longer desirable to their spouse, which is almost never the case. It may be shyness, busyness, exhaustion, or temperament, but a lack of initiation over enough time creates insecurity in your spouse.

One of the purposes of sex is to place a person in your life that continually shows your desirability to God. You don’t have to change who you are. You don’t have to act like someone different. You don’t have to drop 15 pounds. YOU are desirable. And, when there is a lack of expression of that desirability, there’s a betrayal of one of the fundamental reflections of the gospel in the marriage.

Pillar Two: Acceptance — He responds positively to her.

Song of Solomon 4:6 “Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.”

He doesn’t take her vulnerability or invitation lightly. Rejection, especially by your lover, is a painful experience, and he is doesn’t just accept; he accepts enthusiastically. He’s says that accepting her invitation is akin to being swept away to place of paradise.

I want to give a disclaimer. I met with someone not that long ago who believed it was her responsibility to never decline her husband. She had made herself available to him, and he acknowledged it as true, seven days per week for more than a decade. She had been taught something spiritually abusive. The Bible is not a club to wield for the oppression of your spouse. So, I’m not approaching this subject from that perspective, but from the perspective that it’s often the case that we take rejection, especially persistent rejection, far too casually.

If your husband or wife has stopped initiating, we must stop to ask if it’s because they’ve been rejected so often by us. Persistent rejection communicates undesirability, and undesirability creates insecurity. Let me say that again. And, insecurity sabotages relational intimacy. Some reasons that we decline are:

Too busy. Our rejection can say: “I don’t have time for you. You’re just not a priority right now.”

Initiation communicates priority, doesn’t it? “Out of all the things that I have to do, you’re at the top of the list.”

Persistent rejection communicates a lack of priority. “I’ve got so much to do that you just can’t make the cut.”

Relational intimacy requires you making your spouse a top priority, not just in speech, but in action. On your calendar.

Too tired. “I’m too overwhelmed with all I have to do, and I just don’t have anything left.”

Too often, our spouses get only our leftovers. And, we wonder why they don’t feel close to us. We communicate to them, inadvertently, that they’re a drain on us. So, eventually, they stop initiating and leave us alone.

Too often, we don’t support our spouses in a way that provides margin in their lives for pleasure and relational connection.

We need to be understanding during especially busy seasons.

We need to give one another margin.

Too lazy. “I really just want to watch my show and chill on my phone. I’m not worried about you.”

One of the surprises to many married couples is to recognize how difficult it is to maintain physical intimacy with one another.

We must make sure that we don’t inadvertently communicate that we want our spouse when we want them, and we want them to leave us alone when we them to leave us alone. This is the objectification of your spouse.

Intimacy requires discipline, hard-work, and self-denial after the honeymoon. That is, it requires you to show that love is a commitment, and not just a feeling.

Remember what we said at the outset: Persistent rejection communicates undesirability. Undesirability creates insecurity. Insecurity sabotages relational intimacy.

Pillar Three: Appreciation — He acknowledges her value.

Solomon goes to great lengths communicate how highly he values his beloved. In chapter 4 alone, he refers to her as “my bride” five times. It’s as though he can’t say it enough. He can’t believe that SHE would marry HIM. So, he just keeps saying it because it’s so precious to him. He calls her the “tower of David.” That pick up line may not work for you the same way it did for Solomon, but he’s saying that she’s unassailable. No one, and certainly not him, is worthy of her. She’s in a class all by herself. He even goes so far as to say that there’s “no flaw in her.” Now, of course, that’s an overstatement. But, overstatement is an expression of appreciation. “You’re the best dad in the world!” “You’re the most wonderful pastor!” “You are just perfect!”

Lack of appreciation is one of the most common sources of frustration in a marriage, and frustration creates distance, and, eventually, resentment. Intimacy can’t survive resentment.

He comes home, throws his backpack down, and then plops down on the chair. He’s been looking forward to that moment all day. His boss is breathing down his neck, and he’s not hitting his numbers at work. Beneath the surface, he’s eaten alive with worry and feelings of failure because he’s not sure he’ll be able to continue providing for his family the standard of living they’ve come to know. But, his kids are fighting with each other, and his wife is telling him about the broken washing machine and the problems his kids are having at school. Eventually, he just erupts on everyone. They just don’t appreciate all he does and all the weight he carries to make their lives better.

She’s been excited to see him all day. She works hard at her job too, and she came home as quickly as she could because she wanted to make something nice for dinner. Of course, before she can start dinner, she had to clean up from the breakfast they ate as they ran out the door, and she had to get the kids started on their homework. By the time she gets to to dinner, takeout is sounding better and better. But, she cooks anyway. Then, he just comes in without hardly saying a word, and plops down like she’s invisible. When she tries to talk to him, his tone quickly informs her that he’s in no mood for chit-chat. He just doesn’t appreciate how tired she is. He doesn’t get all of her sacrifices, and all that she does to make their family flourish.

This scenario plays out every day in your home and mine. And, we end up further apart from each other, little by little, if we’re not careful until we’re miles apart. Too many of us are jockeying for position to show that we bring the most value to our family.

But, when we have to tell one another why they should appreciate us, we’ve already lost. What we see in Solomon and the Shulammite is that we should be expressing appreciation and value toward one another rather than in defense of ourselves. In house where there’s mutual appreciation for one another, intimacy is bound to follow. It’s the antidote for frustration and resentment.

Three A’s to Express Value to Your Spouse:

What we admire.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Watch your husband poke out his chest when you tell him this. He may have never heard this from his parents or from a boss. Tell your husband why you admire him, and see if he doesn’t come closer.

What we appreciate.

“I’m so thankful for you.”

Notice all of the little things that your wife does, and celebrate them. Let her know that the kids may take her for granted, her family may take her for granted, but her husband never will.

Why we’re attracted.

“I’m so attracted to you.”

Many couples simply take for granted that the other person knows they’re attracted to them. More than one man has sat across from me speechless when his wife expressed that she didn’t feel desirable to him any more. And, wives are often even more surprised to find out how important it is to their husband that she is attracted to him.

Hebrew men ---> David could go to battle as a warrior to slay tens of thousands, and then come home to write poetry about it. If our definition of manhood is too narrow to include the expression of desire, love, and respect for our spouses, it’s not a definition you’ll find in the Bible. Solomon here is the proof.

Mutual appreciation = Intimacy

Pillar Four: Respect — He invites and doesn’t demand.

Song of Solomon 4:8 “Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon. Depart from the peak of Amana, from the peak of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.”

Verse 8 is beautiful. The Shulammite has already expressed openness to her husband, but he still doesn’t take it for granted. Instead, he issues an invitation of his own. He says, “Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon. Depart from the peak of Amana, from the peak of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.” He doesn’t demand; he invites. She isn’t his object; she is his treasure. This isn’t just about him; it’s about them. In fact, he presents his bed, not as a place of his own fantasy, but as a place of refuge and retreat for her — from the lions and leopards. He places the priority on her, not himself.

I’m of the opinion that a simple show of respect for one another would transform most households. He treats her as though she’s just an object to satisfy his urges. So, she feels used, objectified, even lonely. She speaks to him with a tone of disrespect and contempt that no one he works with would ever use. He’s admired at work, but feels like his wife’s project at home — as if he’s never good enough. It’s no wonder he finds reasons to stay late.

No person can feel close with someone whom they don’t believe respects them. In a survey by by Shaunti Feldhan: they asked men:“Would you rather be left alone and unloved in the world or would you rather be viewed as inadequate and disrespected by everyone?" 74% of men said they they would rather be alone and unloved.

Respect and disrespect are communicated through:

Tone.

Correction.

Understanding.

Do you sense intimacy with your spouse? Same question, but different form. Does your spouse know that you deeply respect them?

Wholesome desire leads to shameless delight.

Song of Solomon 5:1 “I came to my garden, my sister, my bride, I gathered my myrrh with my spice, I ate my honeycomb with my honey, I drank my wine with my milk. Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!”

And, what I want you to see teenagers, singles, self-centered spouses is that wholesome desire leads to shameless delight. SOS dispels any false notion that sex is merely a duty or a means to procreation. There’s no mention of either of those in these songs. Sex is to be the expression of passion leading to wholistic delight — physically, relationally, and spiritually. That is, it’s aim is the opposite of the experience that many of you have had — shame. Shame because of past abuses. Shame because of personal immorality. Shame because of pornography usage. These perversions make you want to hide; but, the intent of sex is to give you the freedom to be totally shameless, that is, to experience even briefly something of God’s original design for humankind.

You see, we read about the Garden of Eden like a fairy tale as though it’s not real. Adam and Eve completed one another. They walked with God and each other. They lived perfectly provided for. They were naked, and there was no shame. In fact, many have rightly said that what we see in the SOS is a glimpse of the Garden in real life. “I came to MY GARDEN.” Think of what we have here. Two people in the prime of their lives — beautiful and handsome. They are continually in a garden or are described euphemistically as a garden. They are with one another, naked and unashamed. It’s a brief glimpse of paradise. That is, one of the mysterious wonders of sex (in the context of a healthy marriage) is that it provides a fleeting glance at Eden — the way we were intended to be — and, through Jesus’ redemption and return, the way we will one day be again.

Is there any wonder why the fleeting experience of sex is something that so many life for? It is, for many, the only experience of Eden they can relate to. But, what they can’t know is the wonder of 5:1b. It transports us back to the Garden. “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!”. It’s really difficult to know exactly who is saying this as the subject is different than anywhere else found in the poem. Many scholars agree that what you have here is God himself approving just as he did on the sixth day when he made male and female and said, “This is very good.” There’s no shame with one another. There’s no shame before God. There’s horizontal and vertical intimacy. Eden isn’t a fairy tale; it’s reality, and it’s returning.

Homework: Which of the four pillars do you need to work on most?