Sermon Tone Analysis
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Introduction
For a significant part of my hike, I thought I was on track while I was moving further and further away from where I wanted to be.
I was listening to podcasts about the Kim Dynasty in North Korea and having the time of my life.
I didn’t realize I was off course until I had already passed the point of no return.
That’s bad when you’re hiking, but it’s lethal when you’re married.
Very often people wait until their marriage is in ICU before they reach out for any help.
They wait until it’s the very hardest to change course to try a new direction.
What you need is a compass and a map that will let you know that you’re not where you’re supposed to be so that you can make sure you’re on course.
We need gauges that help open our eyes to the the reality that we’re off course.
I believe this is one of the many reasons that God gifts sex to married couples.
(I realize this is a sensitive subject, and but it’s an important one that I will try to treat with great care.)
Sex can often be a barometer, a measurement of the health of a relationship.
If you read virtually any material on marriage counseling, what you will quickly see is that sex is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, source of conflict within marriages.
But, while most couples say they are fighting over sex, what we need to recognize is that they’re fighting about far more than that.
They’re fighting over all that involves sex, not just sex itself.
Sex in their marriage is a barometer that is letting them know that all is not well within their marriage.
God’s Word
That’s why God’s word addresses sex so often, and that’s why we have to talk about it here.
It is a great victory for Satan when he is able to make taboo in the church the greatest source of conflict in the marriage.
Think about that.
We’re all fighting about it.
We’re all struggling with it.
God says it’s a big deal, but we don’t often talk about it.
If only God would give us a book...
Wholesome Desire
Really, it’s the honeymoon that this Song is building up to even more than the wedding.
But, it’s the wedding that is meant to provide the context and the security for the long awaited honeymoon.
That is, what we’re seeing here is how God has designed for human beings to flourish from the beginning.
Throughout the songs being sung, there is this back and forth yearning for one another, but we’re meant to see that this is right and good and appropriate.
It’s a wholesome desire.
It’s important that we not miss what is too often missed — the Bible doesn’t say to avoid sex; it says to avoid immoral sex.
The inverse actually true — the Bible elevates sex as a gift.
The Bible is about freedom, not oppression, but it’s about the right kind of freedom, the kind of freedom that won’t damage your soul.
Physical intimacy within a marriage is always meant to demonstrate spiritual intimacy.
It’s a physical sign of a spiritual reality.
And, that means that it’s very often a lack of spiritual intimacy that is laying behind a lack of physical intimacy.
And, I wonder how many of you sense a lack of intimacy in your marriage.
There’s just a sense of distance between you.
There’s nothing major that’s wrong, and there’s no huge conflicts.
But, there’s distance.
There’s coldness that’s difficult to articulate.
In the SOS, we see Four Pillars of Intimacy that can help you to reverse the course in your marriage.
Pillar One: Initiation — She moves toward him.
What may surprise you, if you’re unfamiliar with this Song, is that it is the Shulammite that initiates and invites Solomon in (SOS 1-3).
There’s no decorum between the husband and wife; she can fully lower her inhibitions with him.
There’s almost always one member of the couple who initiates more than the other.
That’s fine and natural.
It can be a matter of temperament and appetite.
But, in healthy relationships, there are times for each to initiate, to express their desire for their spouse.
It’s important and valuable.
But, what I want you to think about is what lies behind the Shulammite woman’s initiation.
She felt safe.
We’ve seen already that Solomon went to great lengths to show her that she’s safe, and safety creates the environment in which intimacy flourishes.
You don’t grow close to one another during sex so much as you express closeness during sex.
And closeness with one another is cultivated most in your handling of the hard moments of life.
How do you deal with your spouses failures and disappointments?
How do you receive their apologies?
Do you always bring up their past mistakes to them, or do you point out every way they’ve failed whenever the moments become tense?
It’s compromising your closeness.
You don’t initiate with someone who may bite your head off or ruin your day; you avoid them.
You’re not safe with them.
She felt comfortable.
Conversations about intimacy are normal for them.
They aren’t awkward and cumbersome.
The entire book is literally them singing these things to each other.
Healthy couples don’t walk on eggshells around one another.
They don’t have to think through how they’re going to say every sentence out of fear of the other person’s response.
They’re at ease around one another.
They’re natural around one another.
They can lower their guard with each other.
And, that’s what translates into initiation.
The easier you are to talk with and approach, the easier you are to initiate with too.
If it’s difficult to talk with you about what’s going on at work or how you need more help with the house, it isn’t going to be easier to make an advance.
No one initiates conversations with people they have to walk on eggshells around.
Ron told me that he felt like his wife was “repulsed” by him physically.
He couldn’t understand why she never seemed to be ‘in the mood,’ why she never initiated, or why she seemed withdrawn even when she did accept his invitations.
When I asked her to respond, she said, “We never talk about anything.
Our communication is only through occasional emails.
When he’s home, I never feel comfortable around him.
Everything I say seems like it may set off a time bomb.”
He wanted his wife to be comfortable approaching him physically, and she wasn’t comfortable talking with him about the grocery list.
She desired him.
The significance of initiation is that it’s an expression of desire.
The Shulammite desired her beloved, and she wanted him to know it.
Many people that I meet with believed they are no longer desirable to their spouse, which is almost never the case.
It may be shyness, busyness, exhaustion, or temperament, but a lack of initiation over enough time creates insecurity in your spouse.
One of the purposes of sex is to place a person in your life that continually shows your desirability to God.
You don’t have to change who you are.
You don’t have to act like someone different.
You don’t have to drop 15 pounds.
YOU are desirable.
And, when there is a lack of expression of that desirability, there’s a betrayal of one of the fundamental reflections of the gospel in the marriage.
Pillar Two: Acceptance — He responds positively to her.
Song of Solomon 4:6 “Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.”
He doesn’t take her vulnerability or invitation lightly.
Rejection, especially by your lover, is a painful experience, and he is doesn’t just accept; he accepts enthusiastically.
He’s says that accepting her invitation is akin to being swept away to place of paradise.
I want to give a disclaimer.
I met with someone not that long ago who believed it was her responsibility to never decline her husband.
She had made herself available to him, and he acknowledged it as true, seven days per week for more than a decade.
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