Love Better Workshops

Let’s Fight

Making it Personal: As you think about how you argue, what are some unhealthy ways you respond to conflict?

Marriage is the only institution in the world where you can win every battle but lose the war. ~ Tim & Joy Downs

Three Categories of conflict

Overlook

Task: Remove Immediately

Many of the potential conflicts in life should not become conflicts at all. They are small irritations—personality based gripes—that shouldn’t rise to the level of a conflict. These need to be set aside immediately and overlooked.

Don’t be overly sensitive

Remember you can be just as annoying

Pay attention to what “pushes their buttons” (don’t turn them into constant overlookers!)

Let it go

Prov 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

Overcome

Task: Resolve quickly

Legitimate conflicts arise because you’re different and selfish people who are relating to each other from a sinful context. Expect there to be strife as a result.

You’re married to a selfish person who won’t always follow your script.

Gridlock occurs when you both feel you are right. Value the relationship over winning.

Don’t let anger hijack a chance at resolution.

True reconciliation requires humility and generosity from both spouses.

Ephesians 4:26–27 ESV

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Overwhelm

Task: Restore Patiently

Some conflicts rise to such a state that they must be classified as overwhelming. Maybe its a repeated wrong or a broken promise or a failure to keep the marriage covenant. Remember that these conflicts are not unresolvable.

There’s hope — take a step at a time

There’s wisdom in seeking help

Some offenses require more than an apology; they require accountability.

Both spouses have a role to play in healing. (seeking and granting forgiveness)

Rebuilding trust requires consistent behavior over time.

Matt 18:21-22 “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

James 4:1 ESV

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?

**Please keep in mind that there are situations in which conflict is intolerable and the living situation has become unsafe. If you are being harmed physically, threatened, and/or verbally and emotionally abused, please seek help. Some conflicts can only be resolved once you are in a safe place and civil authorities and professional counselors have entered the picture. God does not intend for any woman or man to continue to exist in a dangerous environment. He has not asked us to submit ourselves to violence and abuse. He has asked us to submit ourselves “as to the Lord” and to love each other “as Christ loved the church.” These commands are in the context of a mutually loving relationship. It is OK to seek help if you feel threatened with emotional, sexual or physical harm. **

Four Healthy Ways to Grow Oneness through conflict

Fight Fair

Do you value the relationship more than winning an argument?

Fair Not Fair

One issue..... Many issues

Behavior...... Character

Specifics..... Generalizations

Facts..... Judgment of motives

Oneness...... Victory

Seek Forgiveness: Learn to Apologize

Name it (Discover your attitude behind the action)

Own it (take responsibility)

Feel it (understand the offense from their perspective)

Say it (Say, I’m sorry, with no buts, and ask them to forgive you)

Change it (Suggest a few ways you will change—repent)

Grant forgiveness: Learn to set free

Forgiveness is not

Pretending something didn’t happen

Forgetting

An automatic cure for the hurt

Conditional

Forgiveness means:

Free your spouse from the debt of their offense

Freeing your spouse from your attitude of resentment and vengeance

Freeing you both from the past—the first step to rebuilding trust

Freeing yourself from doing it on your own—trust the Spirit

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” ~ Ruth Bell Graham

Choose to let go!

Halt the Insult for Insult cycle

1 Peter 3:8–9 ESV

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

Insult ---> for insult ----> for insult ----> give a blessing

Remember, your spouse is not your enemy!

Don’t react. Instead, watch your “start-up” and respond with help from the Spirit. Remember the four: “anger tips” — 1) Pay attention to tone and body language, 2) refuse to use mean and insulting words, 3) Avoid trigger words like “always,” “never,” and “every time,” and 4) Say “I fell [this emotion] when you do [this action.]”

Assess whether it’s the right time and place for a conflict.

Speak the truth in love.

Seek to understand their perspective about the conflict.

By the power of the Spirit, do something positive for them (give a “blessing”)!

Jesus never said, “blessed are the conflict-avoiders.” He said, “blessed are the peacemakers.” ~ Bryan Loritts

Project 2

Let’s talk about sex

God dreamed up sex

for mutual pleasure

for procreation

as a sacred bond between a husband and a wife

As a physical picture of a spiritual reality

Ephesians 5:31–32 (ESV)

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Our Views about sex are often informed by a variety of myths

Both spouses think the same about sex.

If things are off in the relationship you should heat up the bedroom.

Sex should be natural, easy, and spontaneous.

Your sexuality is inseparable from your spirituality. In fact, every sexual choice is a spiritual choice. Sex isn’t just about sex. ~ Dr. Juli Slattery

Sex will be affected throughout your married life by a variety of factors

Physical conditions (tired, body image, life changes)

Mental well-being (stress depression, kids, distractions)

Emotional health (how you feel about yourself or your spouse, anger, guild negative self-perceptions, abuse, etc)

Spiritual condition (unconfessed sin, lack of spiritual investment, pornography, seasons in spiritual life *dryness*)

Sex doesn’t create oneness, it reflects it.

If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved. ~ Peter Ustinov

Be a better lover by understanding your spouse

Attitude

Men — Physical, compartmentalized

Women — relational, holistic

Stimulation

Men — Body-centered, sight, fragrance, actions

Women — Person-centered, touch, attitudes, words

Needs

Men — Respect, to be physically needed, physical expression

Women — Security/safe, to be emotionally needed, intimacy

Sexual Response

Men — A-cyclical, quick excitement, difficult to distract

Women — Cyclical, slower excitement, easily distracted

Orgasm

Men — Shorter, more intense, more physically oriented

Women — Longer, more in-depth, more emotionally oriented

*This chart does not represent all men and women, but rather a generalization.

Single christians will sometimes ask me, “why should you marry someone you haven’t slept with? How will you know if you are actually compatible?” I think this question is somewhat laughable because men and women are by nature sexually incompatible. For men, sex leads to feelings of love. For women feelings of love lead to sex. Men are quickly aroused and satisfied. Women… not so much. Men want direct stimulation in one place, and women want to be touched everywhere, delaying direct stimulation. Men want sex in order to relax. Women must relax in order to enjoy sex. Men tend to be visually aroused, while women are aroused through emotional connection… ~ Dr. Juli Slattery

Four ingredients for a satisfying love life

Companionship: Are we pursuing one another?

Tenderness: give creative expressions of affection, show your love through non-sexual touch.

Communication: share openly, listen carefully

Respect: be a good listener, validate each other’s perspectives and opinions, never condescend or talk down to each other, be open to each other’s desires

Spend time together: share mutual interests, revive the lost art of dating.

When companionship is lacking, sex often looses its depth.

Commitment: Are we instilling trust?

Faithfulness: regularly affirm your commitment, build or rebuild trust, develop a healthy attitude toward your spouse.

Forgiveness: keep short acounts with each other, choose to bless instead of retaliate, remember: “Love covers a multitude of sins,” give grace when needed.

When commitment is lacking, sex can seem risky and can leave a spouse feeling vulnerable.

Passion: Are we romancing each other?

Planning: make it a priority, schedule it for the best part of your day

Creativity: enhance the setting, vary the approach

When passion is lacking, sex can become routine and stale.

Spiritual intimacy: Are we pursuing God together?

Prayer: pray together as a couple, pray for each other regularly

The Bible: spend time reading the Bible together, find verses or passages you can memorize together

When spiritual intimacy is lacking, sex can become shallow and self-focused.

Sex is supposed to be a sign of what you have done with your whole body . . . if you have sex inside a covenant then the sex becomes a covenant renewal ceremony. It becomes a commitment apparatus. You're getting married all over again. You're giving yourself all over again. It's incredibly deepening and solidifying and nurturing ... In marriage when you're having sex, you're really saying, "I belong completely and exclusively to you and I'm acting it out… I'm giving you my body as a token of how I've given you my life. I'm opening to you physically as a token of the fact that I've opened to you in every other way." ~ Tim Keller

Making it personal: Which ingredients would you like to invest in more in your relationship?

Protect God’s gift of sex

Agree on wise boundaries

Guard your eyes — Job 31:1 ““I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?”

Flee temptation — 1 Cor 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

Refuse to “cheat” on your spouse — Heb 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

Confess to the right people — James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

Do whatever it takes to stay faithful — Matt 5:28-29 “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.”

Don’t settle for counterfeits

Trust the spirit to lead you in conversations about romance and intimacy

Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a reflection of a couple’s oneness.

BetterLove.com relationship report and videos — Group code: GMZH4W5C