Better to Best: It's More than a Feeling.

Is marriage merely a contract? Is it only love until I don’t feel it? Or is it something more?

Genesis 2:18 CSB

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.”

Genesis 2:23–25 CSB

23 And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called “woman,” for she was taken from man. 24 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.

A foreign born and older mentor of mine mused about American society today and the cultural problems he sees. He said it really comes down to marriage and parenting getting everything upside down. He said, where I come from many people are involved in preparing the couple for marriage. They know the bride and bridegroom to be better than they know each other.

But isn’t really true of all marriages, and then learn we saw what we wanted to see?

He said these people make sure to the best of their ability that the individuals have what it takes to be married. But then once the match is made, the couple realizes that they needed to create love, not simply feel it. They did not go into marriage thinking they “found” their soul mate, but that they were to create a new life and do the work of a relating that makes them soul mates.

That is very different than what most people think or expect in our very Western and affluent culture.

Marriage is not a contract. In some ways it’s not less than that in that it is binding. But the mere fact of a ceremony or the possession of a piece of paper will not make a “marriage” the best it can be. It might be enough to sustain two people in a life long endeavor, but not thrive. Marriage is about each person committing to do the things that make for ONENESS>

MARRIAGE A COMMITMENT:

To Create Sacred Space.(v. 24) (Leave)

The idea espoused that you need to live together still flies around despite the empirical evidence and data that it does the exact opposite” Divorce Rates: According to data from the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the divorce rate for first marriages in the United States is around 42-45%. However, research has shown that couples who cohabit before marriage have a higher likelihood of divorce compared to those who do not. For example, a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who cohabited before marriage had a 33% higher chance of divorce compared to couples who did not cohabit before marriage. That means 3 out of 5 end in divorce.

Why might that be? Because marriage is not something you take lightly. That’s why it’s more than buying a house, but why it needs to be entered into with more seriousness than buying a house. For those of you who have bought a house or watched someone go through the process, you notice that it takes more than a handshake. Well, if we have good intentions why can’t we just have a handshake? Because a house while it offers shelter and place to live also can bring a lot of stress.

You have a commitment to buy because you might have buyer’s remorse. The bank wants to make sure you make the payments and the previous owner sold it as you accepted it.

But then a hail storm comes and you have to get a new roof. Or you find ants move in during the summer and you don’t like that. Maybe your water heater goes out in the middle of the shower, or the gutter above the front door leaks and pours water on you as you leave in the morning. You don’t want to fix it. You want it easy.

Then you see down the road the house you really wanted goes up for sale and you think, if only. Then you imagine how great that house is and how bad you have it. You think it would solve all your problems but you really don’t know. In fact that house has a basement that will leak and flood in the next six months and have mold growing all over. But, you only see the positive there and the negative where you live. Watch out. The old saying, the grass is always greener on the other side applies.

But, there’s that contract, that mortgage, that deed, that commitment. You learn you need to buckle down and take care of that house. In fact, you make those improvements and you become more in touch because you put the time and care necessary to take care of that house. You committed to that house not the imaginary fantasy island home that only existed in your head.

Marriage helps mature us and is made by God to reflect His love as we learn in Ephesians 5 and 6. It’s about giving, loving and connecting as the Father, son and Holy Spirit have done for all eternity. They are invested in each other and they invested in you and They have invested in your marriage. They have given the blue print.

Make your spouse your priority. (v.23) (Boundaries)

The problem with living together like your married. Is you say, Oh it will work better if we get to KNOW EACH other. But that makes the relationship conditional. The words do not reflect the reality of the motive. “I’m looking for connection to remain with you or faults in you to leave or I’m open if something better comes along.” Whereas the marriage covenant is, I’m here to make life with you. To serve you better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness, health, good times and bad times. I am committing to your best interest with the hope you will return that. But the hope is not conditional. Why because there will be times when you or the other fail and it takes sticking with it to make it through the tough times.

Ruth Graham sat by me during a press conference. Billy referred to the grace and faithfulness that kept them together. She said yes it was grace because I committed to God till death do us part, divorce never, murder did cross my mind a few times. The covenant reminds us to live above our feelings and live a life that honors God and each other.

Close off any entanglements.

Prior relationships.

You can honor your parents while cleaving to your spouse. But you cannot honor your spouse while cleaving to your parents.

While it is great if your new family enjoys the traditions of your family, you have to be open to creating new traditions with your spouse. You must be careful of in-laws making your spouse an outlaw. And while this is not always the case, it tends to be more on the mother-in-laws side than father-in-laws. Often times mothers have a difficult time letting their adult son or daughter devote themselves to the new marriage. They criticize or complain about the spouse and get involved. Then there’s the problem of the spouse comparing their partner to the mom or dad.

Fathers can do that as well. I’ve noticed that concerning children in a blended family. If the step-mother prioritizes the dad and sees the children as her children, there is great harmony. Step-dads can be problematic as well, but I’ve noticed that positive and negative power of step moms more so in the dynamic, a positive mom even overcomes a lot of negativity from a dad. So beware of allowing your family of origin squeeze out your prioritizing of your spouse.

Facebook and divorce.

Survey Data: Some surveys and studies have provided insights into the frequency of social media involvement, including Facebook, in divorce cases. For example, a survey conducted by Divorce Online, a UK-based legal service, in 2011 found that Facebook was cited as a contributing factor in approximately one-third of divorce filings that year. Could that have grown with all the social media.

Be careful of that perusing old flings or rekindling an old relationship on Facebook, especially engaging in flirting banter, or that simple text of, “How you doing?” to his number.

Can your spouse speak into your Facebook or Social Media connections? Would you stop connecting with such people to honor your spouse?

ii. Problematic behaviors.

Listen, when you get married, you commit to getting rid of the little and big foxes that ruin the vineyard like Solomon advised.

That means alcoholism, addiction, partying, unaddressed mental health issues, bad spending habits, pornography, living for yourself. Listen, God is not saying you have to be perfect to marry. If that were the case, no one of us would make it. But you will not bring into the marriage icebergs that will sink the ship at the start. You commit to put these away.

It’s been said that when a woman comes to the church on the wedding day, She sees:

The Aisle, the Altar and Him

But, she’s also imagining, “I’ll alter him.”

The person you marry is the same person he was the day before. If you hope the all the problems will magically go away and a Disney life of happily ever after will happen, you will set yourself up for a great deal of disappointment.

Remember, Courting is the best you’ll see for quite some time. It can get better over time, but don’t expect that level of engagement and energy to continue day in day out. And all the baggage there before the marriage will be there after the marriage. So take care of it. Everyone has baggage. You are going to have some CARRY ON LUGGAGE, but don’t dump and ENTIRE STORAGE UNIT ON YOUR SPOUSE.

To Create Trust. (v. 25)

Regular Care.

This week during staff meeting and devotions we shared how the Word, the Lord, ministered to us this week. One shared, you know I realize now God doesn’t simply work in the big splash but typically in the thousand little acts of care and kindness that perhaps no one but God and that one person ever sees.

The average couple spends 20 minutes per week communicating. For some people, that might sound about right. Studies also showed when couples communicated with each other for just five minutes a day, they felt more connected and understood. Understand that for many spouses, communication in marriage is a significant way they seek connection. Your spouse wants to know all about you to bond with you—your day, feelings, dreams, disappointments, and goals. Their communication needs involve quality and quantity—lots of in-depth communication.

Other spouses need together-time to connect. Talking might be optional. They are content to simply be with you and enjoy your company. Being quiet doesn’t mean anything is wrong. They aren’t trying to be distant or avoid conversation. They bond by being together doing an activity.

Neither is right or wrong. Identify your individual marriage communication needs and, if necessary, meet each other halfway. Find things that are “doing” like going for walks, working in the yard, putting a puzzle together, and adding some “talking” to it. Why not both?

b. Continual Concern.

The new problem that chews away at concern it’s called phubbing: It’s a combo of PHONE and SNUBBING

If you have had a romantic partner, you’ve most likely had the maddening experience of realizing that while you were blabbering on about something or another, they were focused on their phone.

As relationship transgressions go, “phubbing” — a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — is, on the surface, fairly benign. Yet research increasingly shows it can be insidious. A recent study linked higher levels of phubbing to marital dissatisfaction, and a 2022 study found it can lead to feelings of distrust and ostracism. One study found that those who phub a lot are more likely to be phubbed themselves, creating a kind of ripple effect.

3. To Be a Covenant Keeper.

The Marriage Covenant is not for the good days. It’s to remind us in the tough times to remember to buckle down and do the things you promised and wanted to do. Your mind and will are your responsibility. Feelings can just happen. You can feel hurt, neglected at times because that’s the reality, other times because of misunderstanding, either way, once we experience it.

I’ve listened to a great number of sermons, been through coursework, counseled and recieved counseling on marriage, and been to and lead marriage retreats. I know a lot better than I do. Some people have it down, but I find many people need to regularly retool and refocus.

But there is one element that I’ve noted stands out in all marriages that get strong and last, it’s Forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS. That’s the secret sauce of marriage or any meaningful relationship ultimately? FORGIVENESS. Remember no matter how good your parents are, they raised as sinner. No matter how wonderful your courtship is, you marry a sinner and they do as well. And even when we think we are doing good, we find at times, we got it wrong. So we are all in need of forgiveness.

How do we work at FORGIVENESS, HOW DO YOU DO IT? It is a process that needs to be practiced and continually perfected. Here are the ABCs

1.   A: Acknowledge the Hurt That You Feel

It is necessary to deal with painful memories. You must acknowledge the hurt you experienced. Use “I” statements. When x happened, I felt… experienced…

Only then can grieve and be comforted by the Lord (2 Cor. 1:3–4)And in the end, you will be able to forgive from the heart genuinely.

2.   B: Believe That God Will Work Through You When You Forgive

And he will use that forgiveness to draw you closer to him and heal you.

3.   C: Choose to Forgive

Forgiving another person is a conscious decision. You choose to forgive them regardless of your feelings. In effect, you are:

Allowing your mind to control your emotions, not the other way around  Not allowing your emotions to rule over you. Otherwise, you will never “feel like” forgiving them. Concentrating on Jesus’s sacrifice and God’s unmerited mercy and grace toward you

4.   D: Discipline Your Heart and Mind

This essential step is unique to Christians.

As we choose forgiveness, we must rely on the resources only available to Christians We embrace the spiritual disciplines through the ministry of the indwelling Holy Spirit. These disciplines draw us into deeper intimacy with God.For example, devotional Bible reading ( Rom. 5:9 ) and prayer (Luke 23:33-34), along with fasting and godly living (Luke 6:37), cultivate a heart of forgiveness

Romans 5:9 CSB

9 How much more then, since we have now been justified by his blood, will we be saved through him from wrath.

5.   E: Empathize with the Wrongdoer

Since the wrongdoer is often lost, broken, or hurting, try feeling compassion for them.

It helps to remember your need for God’s forgiveness when you first came to Christ broken and lost (1 Tim. 1:15)! Not to mention your everyday need for forgiveness from others! God wants this person to experience compassion and learn empathy. And despite being challenging, we must rely on the Holy Spirit to strengthen us.

6.   F: Forgive

Forgive the wrongdoer by walking in faith with the help from the Holy Spirit.

Forgiveness is a gift you give the wrongdoer. It is giving him what he needs rather than what he deserves (Rom. 5:8).

In essence, all forgiveness is substitutionary. In the same way, Christ paid the price for your sins. When you forgive the wrongdoer, you:

Pay the cost of living with the consequences of their sin against you. And you do this without seeking revenge. Accept whatever punishment God wills both now and in eternity for the offender. But, you are saying, “I won’t hold this against you. And I won’t bring it up again to your hurt.”

7.   G: Gain Trust

Although you have forgiven the wrongdoer, they will need to regain your trust. And sometimes this means setting boundaries until that trust is restored.

8.   H: Hold on to Forgiveness

Satan will try to steal your peace.

Only the indwelling Holy Spirit can provide you with the grace and strength needed to maintain a heart of forgiveness

And even though you may never completely forget the sin against you. At least you can remember that you forgave the offender.

After you forgive, your attention should be on God. I remember a story one of my heroes, Adrian Rogers shared about a football practice. He had difficulty with a particular player over and over again. It came to a head. He had the upper hand and said, I really want to finish this, but I promised God I would forgive as Christ forgave me, so I won’t.

He focused on His covenant with God, not the offender. It should not be on the offender or the offense.

Every time the hurt or scars of the person’s offense come up inside you can pray:

“God, I’ve forgiven them. It is over. There are new things you want for me now.”“God, you know all the consequences of that action. I’m entrusting all those needs into your hands. I trust you to provide everything for your glory.”

Forgiveness, as offered by Christ, is unparalleled. Unlike any other religion, Christianity provides not only forgiveness but also the transformative power of the Holy Spirit and guidance from the Bible. While others may have marriages, only Christians can experience the true spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness that Christ teaches. By embodying Christ's love, concern, and forgiveness, marriages can truly flourish.

Overall Questions to examine: what is the purpose of marriage? of singleness (Matthew 19:11-12)?

Where do you need to examine boundaries to create sacred space?

Family, Friendships, Hobbies, Work?

How would you suggest a couple struggling with boundaries address honoring parents and loyalty to their spouse?

If you are single, where could you begin to address boundaries and dependency?