(Marriage Retreat) Forgiveness - 6 Aspects of Gospel-Centered Forgiveness in Marriage

6 Aspects of Gospel-Centered Forgiveness in Marriage

[HEAVILY BORROWED FROM FOLLOWING SOURCE]

January 16, 2018 by Paul Tautges http://counselingoneanother.com/2018/01/16/10-aspects-of-gospel-centered-forgiveness/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+counselingoneanother%2Fmain+%28Counseling+One+Another%29

Marriage for many

American culture has s

I want to begin by asking,

When people get married,

what do they think of their spouse?

What keeps a marriage together?

what do they think of their spouse?

Many will answer -

How do newly weds typically think of marriage?

Love conquers all - they just need to be in love.

compatibility

Good upbringing

Good financial planning

Read every marriage book - so they are wise about marriage.

Is there anything else?

- When we consider that we are all sinners ()

- And Sin is not about knowledge - but flesh passion ()

When we consider this,

There is on

- we must remember we didn’t marry Jesus - no matter how wonderful our wife or husband is.

- We married a reforming sinner - who needed the son of God to break their slavery to sin.

When Two Sinners Say I do by Dave Harvey makes this point really well. A great book if you have not read it yet.

Now let me make another point.

let me ask you something

What makes two people madly in love with each other on the wedding day

- quite their marriage and get a divorce?

Is it because of their

servant attitude’s

AND

sacrificial love

No,

it is because they allowed sin, anger, and bitterness to tear their marriage apart.

ILLUSTRATION:

Recently,

my daughter and wife went to a birthday party.

The birthday girls parents are divorced

one manned the party room

and one manned the activity.

Why could they not stand to be in the same room together?

Hurt, anger, bitterness.

Hurt, anger, and bitterness over being sinned against by our spouse breaks up marriages.

She is hurt because he sinned against her,

and he is hurt because she sinned against him.

And so Anger and Bitterness drive a wedge right through their love and their relationship. It destroys peoples marriages.

As long as our marriages are based on

as long as I can trust you

and you won’t hurt me

Our marriages are doomed.

So what is going to get us off the marry go round.

It is like Emmerson Eggrichs calls it, - the crazy cycle.

Confessing and Forgiving one another.

James 5:16 ESV

16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:16

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Good marriages are built on Confession and forgiveness.

ILLUSTRATION:

I recently heard a song about marriages -

In it the song talked about how we hang up picture perfect pictures on the wall of our marriage,

But we don’t hang up pictures of our sin, our fights in marriage.

Marriages are always built on confession and forgiveness.

When you look up at the wa

records some of the most alarming words ever spoken by the Lord Jesus Christ. In the portion of His teaching which has become known as the Lord’s Prayer, He instructed the disciples to regularly pray for forgiveness. He then concluded His teaching with the warning: For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses ().

What was Jesus saying? He was saying this: So serious is the refusal to forgive, by one who claims to be a Christian, that Jesus warns that such a character pattern may be evidence of false faith; that is, that the professing Christian is merely that—only one who professes Christ, but does not actually possess Him. But the true believer, the sinner who has been made new in Christ, will be one who desires to make peace.

The fruit of the gospel’s work in a person’s heart includes the formation of a posture of forgiveness which flows from grace. That is, the ongoing recognition of one’s own desperate need for salvation will produce a humility and tenderness of heart that stands ready to forgive those who sin against us—whether knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally.

Philemon was a letter written by Paul requesting a slave master to forgive a runaway slave.

The importance of this need to forgive and be restored to one another is so great that there may even be times in which the help of a third party is necessary. This peacemaking ministry is also a fruit of the gospel’s work in the human heart. As Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God (). In the writing of the personal letter called the book of Philemon, it is that peacemaking role that the apostle Paul now assumes.

Paul’s appeal to Philemon to receive his runaway slave, who is now a brother in Christ, reveals ten admonitions connected to biblical forgiveness. To be a believer who models genuine grace, you must…

In it, Paul describes 6 aspects that important for Christ-centered forgiveness in marriages.

In it, Paul describes 10 aspects that important for Christ-centered forgiveness.

Paul’s appeal to Philemon to receive his runaway slave, who is now a brother in Christ, reveals ten admonitions connected to biblical forgiveness. To be a believer who models genuine grace, you must…

So lets look at Philemon for understanding forgiveness,

and it’s application in our marriages.

1) Forgiveness in marriage is an obligation of the gospel (vv. 8-9). 

Philemon 8–9 ESV

8 Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, 9 yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you—I, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus—

Philemon

Why should we forgive - because the Gospel demands.

– Paul possessed apostolic authority over believers and the churches. Therefore, he could have commanded Philemon to receive Onesimus, but instead appealed to him.

He wanted Philemon to do so for love’s sake; that is, he desired forgiveness to flow from his brother’s heart as a proper response to the gospel.

Further

2) Forgiveness in marriage facilitates reconciliation (vv. 10-13).

Philemon 10–13 ESV

10 I appeal to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I became in my imprisonment. 11 (Formerly he was useless to you, but now he is indeed useful to you and to me.) 12 I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart. 13 I would have been glad to keep him with me, in order that he might serve me on your behalf during my imprisonment for the gospel,

Philemon 10-13

Reconciliation is a necessary component of forgiveness.

Why couldn’t those parents stay married together?

Because they never sought reconciliation that can be found in forgiveness.

 – Again, rather than giving a command, Paul makes a request for his child, whose father I became. 

Paul sent Onesimus back, even though he cared deeply for him, so that he would be restored.

And Paul treated the restoration of Onesimus to Philemon as a higher priority than keeping Onesimus to himself (v. 13).

This demonstrates,

Reconciliation

Paul was

Forgiveness is necessary so that we can be reconciled in our marriage relationships.

Paul was the runaway slave’s spiritual father and, as such, chose to be an agent of peace on his behalf. We are all called to be peacemakers, but we can learn much from the apostle. Restoration cannot be forced or coerced, but we should be agents of peace who aim to bring about restoration, with care and wisdom. Through the gospel, God is restoring sinners to Himself. As believers, therefore, we are then called to have a ministry of reconciliation by bringing the gospel to others, and by modeling what genuine forgiveness and restoration look like (; ). So, think about a simple contrast:

As believers, therefore, we are then called to have a ministry of reconciliation by bringing the gospel to others, and by modeling what genuine forgiveness and restoration look like (; ). So, think about a simple contrast:

As believers, therefore, we are then called to have a ministry of reconciliation by bringing the gospel to others, and by modeling what genuine forgiveness and restoration look like (; ). So, think about a simple contrast:

Forgiveness paves the road to restoration, which receives God’s blessing.But bitterness paves the road to vengeance, which incurs God’s wrath.

Romans 12:17–19 ESV

17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

3) Forgiveness in marriage should be given freely, not under compulsion (v. 14). 

Philemon 14 ESV

14 but I preferred to do nothing without your consent in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion but of your own accord.

Paul knew that true forgiveness comes from the heart and,

therefore, he could not be brought about by human coercion.

You can plead for forgiveness, but you can’t force forgiveness.

In Marriage,

We often hold people under judgement

Sometimes by the silent treatment.

An irritated attitude.

Little punishments - you didn’t do this for me, so I am not going to do this for you.

But instead we ought to freely give forgiveness.

Additionally

4) Forgiveness in marriage should be based on God’s gracious providence (vv. 15-16). 

Philemon 15–16 ESV

15 For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, 16 no longer as a bondservant but more than a bondservant, as a beloved brother—especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.

Paul returned Philemon at a personal sacrifice.

Why?

Although he did not fully understand God’s sovereign ways, Paul was confident that everything that had taken place was under His control. Like the old gospel song says so beautifully,

God is too wise to be mistaken God is too good to be unkind So when you don’t understand When don’t see His plan When you can’t trace His hand Trust His Heart

Forgiveness in Marriage must be grounded not in the person,

and not that it is going to build a great marriage

but in God.

There is a parallel to this idea in .

1 Peter 2:21–25 ESV

21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

Husband and Spouses are entrust themselves to God, just like Jesus did.

Husband and Spouses are to entrust themselves to God, just like Jesus did.

So when we feel like we are getting the short end of the stick - we ought realize in the providence of God we never get the short end of the stick.

Also,

5) Forgiveness in marriage should include restitution when necessary (vv. 18-19).

Philemon 17 ESV

17 So if you consider me your partner, receive him as you would receive me.

To often,

 – Believers are to accept one another—flaws, failures, warts, and all.

we think forgiveness means there are no consequences.

This is another implication of truly believing the gospel. In other words, the work of the gospel in a person’s heart will lead to accepting other believers. Paul makes this connection in , accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.  teaches us that we have been accepted by God in Christ. Therefore, we must accept one another. This acceptance—a recognition that we are on equal standing before God—naturally leads to the practice of forgiveness.

But that is not the case here in Philemon.

Forgive and make restitution where necessary (vv. 18-19).

Philemon 18–19 ESV

18 If he has wronged you at all, or owes you anything, charge that to my account. 19 I, Paul, write this with my own hand: I will repay it—to say nothing of your owing me even your own self.

Part of seeking forgiveness may require righting a wrong.

If you failed to do something,

than find a way to make it up.

If you broke something

replace it.

In marriage, there are times where true forgiveness and reconciliation requires restitution.

We need to remember that so we can truly seek and give forgiveness.

This is restitution, which is the act of making good or compensating for loss, or damage, or injury. This is rooted in Old Testament law (). “But,” you say, “that is Old Testament law. When we get saved, our slate is wiped clean and, therefore, there is no need to make restitution.” But forgiveness does not always eliminate the need for restitution when a person has been defrauded. A New Testament example of restitution is Zacchaeus (). Paul’s legitimate offer to make things right with Philemon is a beautiful illustration of substitution. Paul was willing to pay the slave’s debt because that is what Jesus had done for him.

Forgive in order to bring spiritual refreshment (v. 20). 

Philemon 20 ESV

20 Yes, brother, I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ.

Philemon

And Finally

– The word refreshed means to be refreshed from the innermost being, to give rest from labor. Believers who demonstrate the grace of forgiveness are like a refreshing spring in the lifeless desert of bitterness. As Philemon has been a spiritual refreshment to the hearts of other believers (v. 6), so Paul now calls upon him to do the same for him—by following his instruction and practicing biblical forgiveness.

6) Forgiveness as an act of obedience to God (v. 21). 

Philemon 21 ESV

21 Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say.

– Paul was confident that Philemon would honor the Lord and display gospel grace by being obedient. Forgiveness is a command for the believer in Christ. Jesus made this clear in his response to Peter: Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven”().

Ultimately, why should we seek forgiveness?

Forgive in order to maintain fellowship (vv. 22-24). 

Philemon 22–24 ESV

22 At the same time, prepare a guest room for me, for I am hoping that through your prayers I will be graciously given to you. 23 Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, sends greetings to you, 24 and so do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke, my fellow workers.

Because God commanded it.

Being confident of his release, Paul requested they be ready for him to visit. The men mentioned were various co-laborers and servants of Christ. Philemon enjoyed the fellowship of these believers, and now so did Onesimus. The body of Christ consists of redeemed sinners who daily battle against their sinful flesh. We will offend each other. We will sin against each other. But the ongoing practice of forgiveness—as an act of obedience to God and the outworking of genuine faith in the gospel—will maintain the fellowship we have in Christ.

When we fail to forgive our spouse,

Forgive from the wellspring of grace (v. 25). 

we become just as guilty as they were for sinning in the first place.

Philemon 25 ESV

25 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.

ILLUSTRATION:

I remember talking to a man in the Navy who was having marriage problems.

And he was saying - I can’t commit to my wife because I can’t forgive her for how she had hurt him.

May I say,

He was disobeying the command of God to forgive one another.

Forgiveness is an act of Obedience to God.

– God’s forgiveness flows from His grace (). We are saved by grace, and must continue to live by grace. A fruit of this salvation will be a heart that is governed by the posture of forgiveness, which then leads to the practice of forgiveness. When we forgive others who have wronged us we proclaim the redemptive grace of God in a powerful way.

SOME FINAL, PERSONAL QUESTIONS

Do you have bitterness in your marriage?

Then confess and forgive.

Build your relationship around the Gospels principals of confession and forgiveness.

Further,

Prepare, plan - to seek and give confession and forgiveness.

No matter who you are married to,

your marriage needs confession

AND

your marriage needs forgiveness.

So don’t get angry! Don’t get bitter!

Instead confess and forgive.

As we think about marriage today,

I hope you think about the importance of forgiveness and confession.