STEPS TO SOLUTION
Walking Christian on Forgiveness • Sermon • Submitted • Presented • 51:58
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· 252 viewsThe stages of Forgiveness.
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13 Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
A. Key Verse to Memorize
23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread
Why Should We Forgive?
Why Should We Forgive?
• God commands that we forgive each other.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
• God wants us to forgive others because He forgives us.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
• God wants us to see unforgiveness as sin.
“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” (James 4:17)
17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
• God wants us to get rid of unforgiveness and have a heart of mercy.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5:7)
7 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
• God wants us to do our part to live in peace with everyone.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
• God wants us to overcome evil with good.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
• God wants us to be ministers of reconciliation.
“God … reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:18–19)
18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.
What are the Four Stages of Forgiveness?
What are the Four Stages of Forgiveness?
#1 Face the Offense.
When you feel pain that is personal, unfair, and deep, you have a wound that can be healed only by forgiving the one who wounded you. First you must face the truth of what has actually been done and not hinder true healing by rationalizing and focusing on false thinking.
• Don’t minimize the offense by thinking: “No matter how badly he treats me, it’s okay.”
Truth: Bad treatment is not okay. There is no excuse for bad treatment of any kind—any time.
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11)
11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
• Don’t excuse the offender’s behavior by thinking: “He doesn’t mean to hurt me. I shouldn’t feel upset with him—he’s a member of my family!”
Truth: No matter the age of the offender or our relationship, we need to call sin “sin.” We need to face the truth instead of trying to change it. There must first be a guilty party in order to have someone to forgive.
“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent’—peoples will curse him.” (Proverbs 24:24)
24 Whoever says to the wicked, “You are in the right,”
will be cursed by peoples, abhorred by nations,
• Don’t assume that quick forgiveness is full forgiveness by thinking. “As soon as that horrendous ordeal occurred, I quickly and fully forgave him. That’s what I’ve been taught to do!”
Truth: Many well-intentioned people feel guilty if they don’t extend immediate forgiveness so they “forgive” quickly. Yet they have neither faced the full impact of the offense nor grieved over what actually happened. Rarely is the full impact of sin felt at the moment it occurs. Rather, its impact is felt at different levels over a period of time. Therefore, forgiveness needs to be extended at each of these levels. “Quick forgiveness” over deep hurts may seem sufficient, but it is not “full forgiveness”—not until it has been extended at each level of impact. Before complete forgiveness can be extended, you must face the truth about the gravity of the offense and its extended impact on you.
“You [God] desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” (Psalm 51:6)
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
#2 Feel the Offense.
We usually do not hate strangers or acquaintances; we just “get angry” with strangers. But Lewis Smedes writes, “When a person destroys what our commitment and our intimacy created, something precious is destroyed.” Then anger or even hatred may be our true feeling in response to deep, unfair pain. Hatred toward an offender needs to be brought up out of the basement of our souls and dealt with. However, not all hatred is wrong. God hates evil.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven … a time to love and a time to hate.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 8)
1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
Failing to feel the offense results in …
• Denying your pain: “I don’t blame her for always criticizing me.… She is under a lot of pressure … and it doesn’t hurt me.”
Truth: Being mistreated by someone you love is painful. Feeling the pain must take place before healing can take place.
“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
• Carrying false guilt: “I feel guilty if I hate what was done to me. I’m never supposed to have hatred.”
Truth: God hates sin. You too can hate sin. You are to hate the sin, but not the sinner.
“To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” (Proverbs 8:13)
13 The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil.
Pride and arrogance and the way of evil
and perverted speech I hate.
#3 Forgive the Offender.
We are called by God to forgive! And when you do forgive, genuine forgiveness draws you into the heart of God, and your life takes on the divine character of Christ.
• Argument: “I don’t think it is right to forgive when I don’t feel like forgiving.”
Answer: Forgiveness is not a feeling, but is rather an act of the will—a choice. Jesus established what was right when He said,
“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)
25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
• Argument: “I can forgive everyone else, but I don’t have the power to forgive that person.”
Answer: The issue is not your lack of power to forgive, but rather how strong God’s power is within you to forgive any sin committed against you.
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)
3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,
• Argument: “Forgiveness isn’t fair. She ought to pay for her wrong!”
Answer: God knows how to deal with each person fairly—and He will, in His own time.
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)
19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
• Argument: “I can’t keep forgiving—he keeps doing the same thing over and over.”
Answer: You cannot control what others do, but you can control how you respond to what others do. Jesus said you are to respond with forgiveness no matter the number of times wronged. The apostle Peter asked Jesus,
“ ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’ ” (Matthew 18:21–22)
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
• Argument: “I cannot forgive and forget. I keep thinking about being hurt.”
Answer: When you choose to forgive, you don’t get a case of “holy amnesia.” However, after facing the hurt and confronting the offender, close off your mind to rehearsing the pain of the past. Forget about your pain. Refuse to focus on your hurt.
“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13–14)
13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
#4 Find Oneness … if appropriate.
Relationships filled with resentment ultimately perish—relationships filled with forgiveness ultimately prevail. However, reconciliation in a relationship—the restoration of oneness—is contingent on several vital factors. When these conditions are met, when both parties are committed to honesty in the relationship, there is real hope that the two can be of one mind and one heart again. The Bible says,
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1–2)
1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.
HONESTY REQUIRED FOR RECONCILIATION
H— Honestly evaluate yourself and your relationship.
God intends to use your relationships to reveal your weaknesses and to strengthen your relationship with Him. The first step toward reconciliation is to honestly evaluate your own weaknesses and the weaknesses within your relationships so that you can know where change needs to take place.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23–24)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
O— Open your heart and share your pain.
Have a candid conversation with your offender. Fully explain the pain you have suffered and the sorrow in your heart. Don’t attack your offender. Instead, address the offense and share how it made you feel.
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 18:15)
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
N— Notice whether your offender takes responsibility.
Offenders need to know that what they did struck like an arrow into your heart. They need to feel your hurt. If offenders ignore your pain and respond with how much you have hurt them, they are not ready for reconciliation because they are not ready to take responsibility. They need to care about your pain as much as they care about their own pain. They need to indicate a godly sorrow.
“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10)
10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
E— Expect your offender to be completely truthful.
Promises need to be made regarding honesty, support, and loyalty within the relationship. Although you cannot guarantee someone else’s dependability, you should be able to discern whether there is sincerity and truthfulness.
“Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.” (Proverbs 12:19)
19 Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue is but for a moment.
S— Set appropriate boundaries for the relationship.
You may have a heart for reconciliation; however, you need to evaluate, Has my offender crossed the line regarding what is appropriate (excessively angry, possessive, demeaning, insensitive, irresponsible, prideful, abusive)? If so, explain what the boundary line is, what the repercussion is for crossing the boundary (a limited relationship), and what the reward is for staying within the boundary (increased trust). You need to be disciplined enough to hold your offender accountable, and your offender needs to become disciplined enough to stop hurting the relationship.
“He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.” (Proverbs 10:17)
17 Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life,
but he who rejects reproof leads others astray.
T— Take time, cautiously think, and sincerely pray before you let your offender all the way back into your heart.
When trust has been trampled, time, integrity, and consistency are needed to prove that your offender is now trustworthy. Change takes time. Therefore, don’t rush the relationship. Confidence is not regained overnight. Trust is not given, but earned.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Y— Yield your heart to starting over.
God wants you to have a heart that is yielded to His perfect will for your life. Serious offenses will reshape your future, and you will not be able to come back together with your offender as though nothing ever happened. You personally change through pain. You take on new roles, and you cannot simply abandon your new places in life the moment a friend is forgiven and is invited back into your heart and life. Leave negative patterns in the past and establish positive patterns of relating.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18–19)
18 “Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Question: “If I have forgiven a monetary debt, thus freeing a person from paying me back, does God still expect that person to repay the debt as a matter of integrity?”
Answer: You should not expect anything back if you have truly forgiven the debt. However, God expects us to be people of integrity—people who keep our word, honor our agreements, and fulfill our obligations. We should do everything within our power to avoid acquiring debts that we cannot pay and to repay all debts that we now owe. If you have forgiven a debt that a person is now able to repay, then that person should offer to repay the debt as a matter of integrity. But you are not to expect that. Consider two situations:
• Debtor #1
A friend borrows $100 from you and promises to pay you back in one month. But because of an accident, he becomes disabled and loses his job. He has no way of repaying the debt. If six weeks later you forgive your friend’s debt, does the person still owe the debt?
No, the issue of repayment is not a matter of integrity before God, but is simply a matter of inability—an inability to repay the debt. God knows that there are times when circumstances make the payment of a debt impossible. If later your friend has the ability to repay some amount, whether it is $1.00 or $10.00 a week, he could come to you and make the offer to repay as he can. If you state again that you want him not to feel compelled to repay you, then with deepest gratitude, he should accept your generosity as a gift of grace.
• Debtor #2
A friend borrows $100 from you and promises to pay you back in one month, yet makes no effort to repay the money. After six months, you forgive the debt. Does he still owe the debt?
No, repayment of the debt is not owed to you because you have forgiven it. However, a person of integrity will want to repay the debt. Whether he begins paying back $1.00 or $10.00 a week, the repayment is owed as a matter of integrity before God.
Interestingly, according to the Law, the Israelites were required to cancel debts at the end of every seventh year. If we hold on to extended expectation of repayment and the debt is not repaid, we would likely become bitter; such bitterness is detrimental to all involved. (Read Hebrews 12:15.)
15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
“At the end of every seven years you must cancel debts.… Every creditor shall cancel the loan he has made to his fellow Israelite. He shall not require payment from his fellow Israelite or brother, because the Lord’s time for canceling debts has been proclaimed.”
(Deuteronomy 15:1–2)
1 “At the end of every seven years you shall grant a release. 2 And this is the manner of the release: every creditor shall release what he has lent to his neighbor. He shall not exact it of his neighbor, his brother, because the Lord’s release has been proclaimed.