Boundaries - Session 1

INTRODUCTION

Watch Video 1 - Sherrie Without Boundaries

Ever fell like Sherrie? Do you feel like your life is spinning out of control? Like you’re running down a hill very fast and barely keeping your balance; at any moment you could fall.

When we talk about boundaries, 7 common questions arise:

1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

2. What are legitimate boundaries?

3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?

5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

6. How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?

7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?

When we finish these 5 sessions, you should be able to answer all of these questions.

WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?

“A boundary is a clearly defined border that established ownership of a thing. It defines the limits of what for which the owner is responsible for anything.”

Example – Your home, your yard, your doors, your fences.

Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility

In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, and hedges are all physical boundaries. In their differing appearances, they give the same message:

THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Non-owners are not responsible for the property.

Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries of responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there.

In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever-present reality that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov. 4:23).

So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (TPT)

For even if you were to gain all the wealth and power of this world with everything it could offer you—at the cost of your own life—what good would that be? And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul? Matthew 16:26 (TPT)

God and Boundaries

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God.

God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.

He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from us. He differentiates himself from others. He tells us who he is and who he is not. For example, he says that he is love and that he is not darkness (1 John 4:16; 1:6).

In addition, he has boundaries within the Trinity.

The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries.

Each one has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection with and love for one another (John 17:24).

God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards his house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time. The “gates” of his boundaries open and close appropriately.

In the same way he gave us his “likeness”, he gave us personal responsibility within limits. He wants us to “rule over” the earth and to be responsible stewards over the life he has given us. To do that, we need to develop boundaries like God’s.

Genesis 1:26 NLT

26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.”

Understanding Control, Responsibility, and Authority

When it comes to controlling our boundaries, we must first understand the nature of control.

1. Direct Control - we establish the limits and liberties of others.

2. Indirect Control – i.e. Influence

3. No Control - we and neither dictate nor influence.

Examples of types of control:

Money

Kids (All 3 types – moving from control to influence over time and maturity.

Health

FAILURE TO MAINTAIN YOUR CIRCLE OF CONTROL WILL RESULT IN THE LOSS OF INFLUENCE TOWARDS OTHERS. YOU ARE THEN LEFT WITH EITHER DIRECT CONTROL OR NO CONTROL AT ALL.

We all have a circle of control, a limited area in which we can assure control of our lives. As we begin to establish boundaries, our circle of control will begin to shrink.

The Relationship Between Responsibility and Authority

When it comes to controlling our boundaries, we must also understand the direct relationship between responsibility and authority.

Examples of Boundaries

Skin: Your skin keeps bacteria and other harmful things out of your body.

When your skin is penetrated, infection and disease can come. We say, “That person really gets under my skin”, and we mean they take away our sense of wellness. Violation of your body is a violation of your fundamental boundaries.

Words

The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.

Being clear about your no—and your yes—is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12).

A simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ will suffice. Anything beyond this springs from a deceiver.

Matthew 5:37 (TPT)

Above all we must be those who never need to verify our speech as truthful by swearing by the heavens or the earth or any other oath. But instead we must be so full of integrity that our “Yes” or “No” is convincing enough and we do not stumble into hypocrisy. James 5:12 (TPT)

No is a confrontational word. The Bible says that we are to confront people we love, saying, “No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.”

The word no is also important in setting limits on abuse. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us (Matt. 18:15–20).

“If your fellow believer sins against you, you must go to that one privately and attempt to resolve the matter. If he responds, your relationship is restored. But if his heart is closed to you, then go to him again, taking one or two others with you. You’ll be fulfilling what the Scripture teaches when it says, ‘Every word may be verified by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ And if he refuses to listen, then share the issue with the entire church in hopes of restoration. If he still refuses to respond, disregarding the fellowship of his church family, you must disregard him as though he were an outsider, on the same level as an unrepentant sinner. Matt. 18:15-20 (TPT)

The Bible also warns us against giving to others “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor. 9:7).

People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others.

They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent. Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you “should” do.

If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of “self-control.”

Let giving flow from your heart, not from a sense of religious duty. Let it spring up freely from the joy of giving—all because God loves hilarious generosity! 2 Corinthians 9:7 (TPT)

Geographical Boundaries

Proverbs 22:3 says that “the prudent see danger and take refuge.” Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did.

Or you can remove yourself to get away from danger and put limits on evil. The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior [Think the Prodigal Son] (Matt. 18:17–18; 1 Cor. 5:11–13).

But now I’m writing to you so that you would exclude from your fellowship anyone who calls himself a fellow believer and practices sexual immorality, or is consumed with greed, or is an idolater, or is verbally abusive or a drunkard or a swindler. Don’t mingle with them or even have a meal with someone like that. What right do I have to pronounce judgment on unbelievers? That’s God’s responsibility. But those who are inside the church family are our responsibility to discern and judge. So it’s your duty to remove that wicked one from among you. 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 (TPT)

When a relationship is abusive, many times the only way to finally show the other person that your boundaries are real is to create space until they are ready to deal with the problem. The Bible supports the idea of limiting togetherness for the sake of “binding evil.”

BOUNDARIES ILLUSTRATIONS

Place 4 hoolo-hoops on the floor in the front of the classroom. Ask 4 volunteers to stand in the hoops, 1 couple and 2 singles. Talk them thorough various scenarios and ask if they have control over them, and what type of control.

Time

Taking time off from a person or a project can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.

Adult children who have never spiritually and emotionally separated from their parents often need time away.

They have spent their whole lives embracing and keeping (Eccl. 3:5–6) and have been afraid to refrain from embracing and to throw away some of their outgrown ways of relating. They need to spend some time building boundaries against the old ways and creating new ways of relating that for a while may feel alienating to their parents. This time apart usually improves their relationship with their parents.

Behavior

Our conduct should be within Biblical boundaries; failure to do so results in sin. We should take ownership of our own actions, which is things over which we direct control.

Emotions

Maturity is taking responsibility for your own emotions. Your emotions are a product of your belief system and your thoughts.

Bakers in Hula Hoops

This GOOD news! You don’t have to feel that way; you can bring the Holy Spirit into the feelings to identify the lie that you are believing about your situation that makes you feel the need to control others.

STOP AT THIS POINT AND PRAY FOR PEOPLE

Relationships

How we choose and steward relationships must be within Biblical boundaries if we want to enjoy balanced life of joy and peace.

Examples: “Withdraw thy foot”, “Leave thy mother and father”, “Be ye not unequally yoked”.

BALANCE IN BOUNDARIES

Me and Not Me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.

10 Don’t expect anyone else to fully understand both the bitterness and the joys of all you experience in your life. Proverbs 14:10 (TPT)

To and For

We are responsible to others and for ourselves. “Carry each other’s burdens,” says Galatians 6:2, “and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Galatians 6:2 NLT

2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

Many times others have “burdens” that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. This is what Christ did for us. He did what we could not do for ourselves; he saved us. This is being responsible “to.”

On the other hand, Galatians 6:5 says:1

Galatians 6:5 LEB

5 For each one will carry his own burden.

Galatians 6:5 The Message

5 Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

Galatians 6:5 AMP

5 For every person will have to bear (be equal to understanding and calmly receive) his own [little] load [of oppressive faults].

All our loads are on the same, but they are always OUR LOADS!

No one can do certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own “load.”

The Greek words for burden and load give us insight into the meaning of these texts. The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down.

These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with the boulders—those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives.

In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.”

This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort.

Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry.

The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.

Lest we stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is very important to determine what “me” is, where my boundary of responsibility is and where someone else’s begins.