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INTRODUCTION
Watch Video 1 - Sherrie Without Boundaries
Ever fell like Sherrie?
Do you feel like your life is spinning out of control?
Like you’re running down a hill very fast and barely keeping your balance; at any moment you could fall.
When we talk about boundaries, 7 common questions arise:
1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
6.
How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?
When we finish these 5 sessions, you should be able to answer all of these questions.
WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?
“A boundary is a clearly defined border that established ownership of a thing.
It defines the limits of what for which the owner is responsible for anything.”
Example – Your home, your yard, your doors, your fences.
Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility
In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see.
Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, and hedges are all physical boundaries.
In their differing appearances, they give the same message:
THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS.
The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property.
Non-owners are not responsible for the property.
Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to.
You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries of responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there.
In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see.
The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever-present reality that can increase your love and save your life.
In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov.
4:23).
So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are.
Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (TPT)
For even if you were to gain all the wealth and power of this world with everything it could offer you—at the cost of your own life—what good would that be?
And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul?
Matthew 16:26 (TPT)
God and Boundaries
The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God.
God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself.
He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.
He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from us.
He differentiates himself from others.
He tells us who he is and who he is not.
For example, he says that he is love and that he is not darkness (1 John 4:16; 1:6).
In addition, he has boundaries within the Trinity.
The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries.
Each one has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection with and love for one another (John 17:24).
God also limits what he will allow in his yard.
He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior.
He guards his house and will not allow evil things to go on there.
He invites people in who will love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time.
The “gates” of his boundaries open and close appropriately.
In the same way he gave us his “likeness”, he gave us personal responsibility within limits.
He wants us to “rule over” the earth and to be responsible stewards over the life he has given us.
To do that, we need to develop boundaries like God’s.
Understanding Control, Responsibility, and Authority
When it comes to controlling our boundaries, we must first understand the nature of control.
1. Direct Control - we establish the limits and liberties of others.
2. Indirect Control – i.e.
Influence
3. No Control - we and neither dictate nor influence.
Examples of types of control:
Money
Kids (All 3 types – moving from control to influence over time and maturity.
Health
FAILURE TO MAINTAIN YOUR CIRCLE OF CONTROL WILL RESULT IN THE LOSS OF INFLUENCE TOWARDS OTHERS.
YOU ARE THEN LEFT WITH EITHER DIRECT CONTROL OR NO CONTROL AT ALL.
We all have a circle of control, a limited area in which we can assure control of our lives.
As we begin to establish boundaries, our circle of control will begin to shrink.
The Relationship Between Responsibility and Authority
When it comes to controlling our boundaries, we must also understand the direct relationship between responsibility and authority.
Examples of Boundaries
Skin: Your skin keeps bacteria and other harmful things out of your body.
When your skin is penetrated, infection and disease can come.
We say, “That person really gets under my skin”, and we mean they take away our sense of wellness.
Violation of your body is a violation of your fundamental boundaries.
Words
The most basic boundary-setting word is no.
It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.
Being clear about your no—and your yes—is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt.
5:37; James 5:12).
A simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ will suffice.
Anything beyond this springs from a deceiver.
Matthew 5:37 (TPT)
Above all we must be those who never need to verify our speech as truthful by swearing by the heavens or the earth or any other oath.
But instead we must be so full of integrity that our “Yes” or “No” is convincing enough and we do not stumble into hypocrisy.
James 5:12 (TPT)
No is a confrontational word.
The Bible says that we are to confront people we love, saying, “No, that behavior is not okay.
I will not participate in that.”
The word no is also important in setting limits on abuse.
Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us (Matt.
18:15–20).
“If your fellow believer sins against you, you must go to that one privately and attempt to resolve the matter.
If he responds, your relationship is restored.
But if his heart is closed to you, then go to him again, taking one or two others with you.
You’ll be fulfilling what the Scripture teaches when it says, ‘Every word may be verified by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
And if he refuses to listen, then share the issue with the entire church in hopes of restoration.
If he still refuses to respond, disregarding the fellowship of his church family, you must disregard him as though he were an outsider, on the same level as an unrepentant sinner.
Matt.
18:15-20 (TPT)
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