Husbands: Love in Action

The action you take determines the future you make! That’s right! The action you take determines the future you make. What you do will determine where you go and nowhere is that more true than in marriages.

SLIDE - PIC - DEPRESSED MAN

Richard said:

Cheating was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I don't know that we wouldn't have gotten a divorce, but I felt really bad that I cheated on my wife. I didn't really want a divorce. I didn't even really want to be with that woman; it's just that she was telling me what I needed to hear. I wasn't getting any attention from my wife at home. This other woman was giving me the attention I hadn't gotten in a long time. It all felt fine, until right after it happened. Then I just felt terrible."

Cheating was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I don't know that we wouldn't have gotten a divorce, but I felt really bad that I cheated on my wife. I didn't really want a divorce. I didn't even really want to be with that woman; it's just that she was telling me what I needed to hear. I wasn't getting any attention from my wife at home. We hadn't slept together in about three months. I didn't understand what was going on in my wife's mind. I was just really confused. This other woman was giving me the attention I hadn't gotten in a long time. It all felt fine, until right after it happened. Then I just felt terrible."

Statistics tell us that 23% of men cheat on their wives. Of those couples who experience cheating, 34% of them will divorce after the affair, however, 78% of them will describe their marriages as unhappy. Yes! When it comes to our families, the action we take determines the future we make. And, of course, that leads us to ask this question: What actions can we take that will make for a good future for our families?

And I have to tell you that answering that question adequately can be tricky. I liken it to backing a trailor. Occasionally I will be coming down the street of our neighborhood and I will have to stop and wait for someone in the neighborhood who is backing a trailer into their driveway. If they know what they’re doing, it’s not a long wait, but if they don’t, I just might turn around and go the other way. Why? Because backing a trailer is counterintuitive. If you want the trailer to go to the right, you have to turn the wheel to the left. The first few times you do it, it ain’t easy. That’s because the action you take doesn’t take the trailer in the direction you’d expect.

NEED

I think that there is an analogy here for us in marriage. Handling our marriages is a little like backing a trailer. Sometimes the actions we take doesn’t have the impact we expect and we end up frustrated and not really knowing what we ought to do. I think that is really true for husbands sometimes. I think some husbands have the RIGHT HEART but the WRONG PICTURE. They were raised in a home where the father was always right and ruled with an iron will and sometimes an iron fist, so they try to dominate their wives. They really do love their wives and they are faithful, but when that love gets translated to action, the action they take doesn’t create the impact they expect.

But other dads have the wrong heart. What I mean is they have lost their family’s trust because they’ve been unfaithful and now they suffer the real consequences. O, the family stayed together but they are in 78% that said their marriages were unhappy. Now, everything they do is wrong, no matter what they do because they have lost the trust of their wives and their families. They wonder if there is any hope.

BACKGROUND

That’s why I want you to listen this morning. I think the passage of scripture we are looking at can show you the right actions you can take to show love to your wife in a way that she will understand and, over time, genuinely respond to it.

If you’ve been here over the last few weeks, you remember how we got here. In the first week of this series we discussed the foundation for a world-changing home and showed that this kind of home has to be founded on our understanding of God’s love for us. We cannot love others until we know that we are loved. Then the second week, we said that a world-changing home has to be holy, reflecting a real difference from the world when it comes to our sexuality. And then, in week three, we talked about the one factor that causes our homes to be different from the world: that factor was the choices that we make. Last week we talked about the atmosphere of a world-changing home. We said that it is filled with the Holy Spirit and charged with the presence of God.

Today we turn our attention to the key relationship in the home. It is the relationship between mom and dad. It is the love that is shared between husband and wife. Read about that love with me:

Ephesians 5:25–33 NKJV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

TRANS

If a man really loves his wife, there are three actions we see in these verses that he will take. In the first place He will:

When a man loves his wife, he will die (to himself)

WHEN A MAN LOVES HIS WIFE HE WILL DIE (TO HIMSELF)

EXP

Paul is quick to let us know that the pattern for a Christian husband’s love is the love of Christ. If a man patterns himself after the love of Christ, he has to give up his very life.

Ephesians 5:25 NKJV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

When that verse says that Jesus gives himself for us, it means that he died the cruelest death imaginable in our place. He gave himself to death so that we could live.

v25 says: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. When that verse says that Jesus gives himself for us, it means that he died the cruelest death imaginable in our place. He gave himself to death so that we could live.

And that sacrificial giving is ongoing. The tense of the word, “love,” in the command for husbands to love their wives is continuous. It means that a husband is to love his wife constantly way whether or not they are loved in return. It means that a husband is to love his wife whether they deserve it or not. It is complete, sacrificial, ongoing love that loves even when the object of that love has completely rejected you.

ARG

Now, when you hear that, if you are honest, you might have to confess the truth: You might love your wife at some level, but you don’t really love her like that. You might even say, “I don’t even think that kind of love is possible for me.” Well, point well taken. It isn’t. That’s why, before husbands are told to love their wives like Christ loved the church in v25, they are told to be filled with the Spirit in v 18. The only way we can begin to follow the model of love Christ set for us, we must be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit.

APP

Now granted: We will never “arrive” when it comes to loving our wives like Christ loved the church.

Now I think you will admit when you hear about this kind of sacrificial love that it is rare in our homes—even those homes that are led by Christ-followers. Why is that? Well, I believe it is because, instead of following the example of Christ we have followed the example of our dads.

We watched our own father who was an angry intimidator. We observed as he bullied his way through the feelings of our moms and got his way because he could outshout everyone else in the family. Yes, we watched and we imitated him and the result was we now have homes filled with tension and anger.

Or maybe we watched a father who was a passive avoider. He didn’t really engage with the family, he just worked and spent his time on his own hobbies and interests without including his family. We watched and now we are passive avoiders who try to walk through our own homes without even making much eye contact.

Or maybe we watched a father who was a manipulative controller. He wasn’t loud because he didn’t have to be. He knew how to use guilt or silent threats to get his way. We watched and we learned to manipulate with the best of them. Now we can’t understand why our families resent us when we never get angry with them. We just don’t realize that, even if they can’t verbalize it, they know we’re simply using our interactions with them to get what we want.

And it could just be that our families are waiting for us to stop using them or abusing them and genuinely start loving them. They are waiting for us to love them like Christ loves the church and gave Himself for it.

ILL

As a matter of fact I think our wives are hungry for that kind of love.

SLIDE - Pic - Wedding

Andy Stanley tells the story of attending a wedding in Washington, DC. when he was in his twenties. He was a groomsman in a friend’s wedding. After the reception, several of the wedding party went out to eat at a local restaurant in Georgetown. At one point one of the bridesmaids turned to Andy and said: “Andy I heard a preacher say that the man had to be the head of the home because a two-headed home is like a two-headed monster. Is that what you believe? That the man is the head.

Andy replied:

Before I answer your question, imagine you're married to a man who genuinely believes you are the most fantastic person on the planet. He's crazy about you. You have no doubt that your happiness is his top priority He listens when you talk. He honors you in public. To use an old fashioned term, he "cherishes" you. He's not afraid to make a decision. He values your opinions. He leads, but he listens. He's responsible. He's not argumentative. You have no doubt that he would give his life for you if the need arose. You never worry about him being unfaithful. In fact, to quote an old Flamingos song, "he only has eyes for you."So let me ask you husbands: Are you willing to die for your wife? I’m not talking about taking a bullet for her. That might be an easy way to die really. No, I’m asking you if you’re willing to die for your wife by giving up what you want for what she wants?

Andy realized as he was talking that other conversations had ceased and everyone was tuning in to what he was saying. He said he also felt the resistance ebbing. When he finished, he paused and asked, “Would any of you have trouble following a man like that?” One of the girls blurted out, “Well no! I want to meet that guy!”

Without realizing it, she made his point: It’s easy, perhaps natural, to submit to someone who genuinely has your best interest in mind. There’s no fear. No reason to resist. Conversely, anyone who has your best interest in mind has, in effect submitted to you. That person has chosen to leverage himself-or her self for your benefit, basically saying, “You first.”

Husbands, our families are ready for that kind of love. So let me ask you: Are you willing to die for your wife? I’m not talking about taking a bullet for her. That might be an easy way to die really. No, I’m asking you if you’re willing to die for your wife by giving up what you want for what she wants?

TRANS

You see, that’s where it has to begin. Loving your wife begins with dying to yourself and that sacrificial heart will lead you to do to more things that will communicate your sacrificial love in unmistakable ways. If a man loves his wife, he dies and then:

When a man loves his wife, he will connect (with his wife)

EXP

There is something very powerful that Paul deals with in the last few verses of this chapter. He describes it in v 32:

Ephesians 5:32 NKJV

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

He calls it a “mystery.” That’s a word he has used before in this book and, when he uses it, he is not talking about some esoteric, unfathomable truth. Instead he is speaking some specific truth that God has previously hidden that He is now revealing. In chapters 2-3 of Ephesians, it is the truth that God has ordained that both Jews and Gentiles should be equal members of His kingdom. Here in chapter 5, the content of this mystery is different. You find the content of THIS mystery in v30. It says:

Ephesians 5:30 NKJV

For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

The truth that God is revealing here is that all of us who have given our lives to Christ and become His followers have become His bride and have been bound together in one body with Him just like a husband and wife are united in one body in marriage.

We are His flesh and His bones and, as His flesh and bones He takes special care of us. V 29 says:

Ephesians 5:29 NKJV

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

Those words “nourish” and “cherish” are very powerful. One commentator said that Paul took them from the “nursery.” To “nourish” has the idea of bringing up a child with great affection. To “cherish” literally means “to inflame,” “to warm,” even “to nurse” as a mother would her child. The idea is that, because we are members of His body and His bride, Christ raises us as his children and cares for us as a mother would her newborn.

Paul then takes these truths about Christ and the church and applies them to a husband and his wife. He says that we imitate the connection that Christ has with the church in our relationship with our wives. As salvation brings us into one body to form the Bride of Christ, so our marriage to our wives brings us into one body as well. V31 says:

Ephesians 5:31 NKJV

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

vv 28-29 shed further light on what this relationship is like when it says:

Ephesians 5:28-29

Ephesians 5:28–29 NKJV

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

In the same way as Christ nourishes and cherishes the church, so the husband is to nourish and cherish his wife. The point of all of this is this: There is to be a loving, intimate connection between husband and wife. Yes, your wife really is to become your “soul-mate,” not because you have some kind of immediate, mysterious heart-connection with her, but because you relentlessly pursue openness and connection with them.

APP

What I am talking about is a soul-level intimacy that can grow when this genuine love is present.

This intimacy is the essence of marriage.

I say that it is the essence of marriage because of how the Bible describes it. It says that a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife. That is intimacy and that intimacy involves at least three areas. There is

Intellectual intimacy.

Intellectual intimacy occurs when a husband and wife can talk over issues of life together and have real understanding of issues like music, politics, science, and just everyday life. It is intellectual intimacy. Then there is

Emotional intimacy.

This is soul level connection that is authentic and requires openness and transparency. There is a willingness to reveal one’s deepest longings and deepest needs. There is a vulnerability that trusts the other person to listen and not judge; to empathize without patronizing. This kind of intimacy requires a lot of work and has to grow over time, but when it does, there is a depth of understanding that is matched by nothing or no one else. There is intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy and then there is:

Physical intimacy.

This, of course, includes sexual intimacy but is not limited to it. And here’s what we need to realize about intimacy in marriage: When you have all three of these—intellectual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy, you will have a powerful marriage. That’s why I believe that intimacy is not only the essence of marriage, but

This intimacy must become the goal of marriage.

I have to tell you, husbands, that if I had to list the most common problem women complain about whenever I do any marriage counseling, it is usually a failure of intimacy on the part of the husband—and I’m not talking about sex here—I’m talking about a soul connection with their wives. There is no excuse for a husband not seeking intimacy with his wife—a real connection that creates a bond between you that is unbreakable.

ILL

SLIDE - Pic - Elderly woman

I recently read of a study conducted by Gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer. He interviewed older adults and found that they placed a high priority on intimacy in their marriages. One person he interviewed was an 82 year-old widow named Jennie. Here’s what she said

There's an intimacy that comes later that is staggeringly wonderful. You can hold hands with this person you love and adore . . . There is such a sense of connection and intimacy that grows out of a long relationship, that touch carries with it the weight of so many memories.

Indeed what she misses most as a widow, she says, is holding hands. "Sex was certainly an important and joyful and healing part, but I'm not sure that the connection through holding hands, which elicited such peace, was not a deeper intimacy," she wondered.

TRANS

So how are you doing with real intimacy husbands? Are you seeking all three kinds: Intellectual, emotional, and physical? I tell you that this connection thing is extremely important! Marital intimacy is grounded in the very nature of marriage itself. Two become one flesh! When a husband loves his wife, he will die to himself and he will connect with his wife and only then will he be able to do this last thing.

When a man loves his wife, he will disciple (his wife).

EXP

In v25, again we read:

Ephesians 5:25–27 NKJV

You know, I have often read this passage of scripture and been mystified by that a little bit. I wondered why Paul would pick such a time to speak about Christ purifying the church in the middle of talking to husbands about loving their wives. I think you have to go back to the OT to really get a handle on what Paul is saying here.

Throughout the OT, God is pictured as being married to Israel. In we are given a poignant picture of how God reached down and betrothed Himself to be married to Israel. says:

Ezekiel 16:8–14 NKJV

“When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord God. “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty. Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord God.

In that passage, God finds Israel dirty, bloody, naked and shameful and He picks her up and washes her and presents her to Himself. That’s the background of what Paul is saying in these verses. Christ gives His life to save the church. He picks her up and washes her in the water of His word, then He presents her to himself perfect and glorious.

“Ok,” you might say, “but what does that mean for me? I’m not God. I don’t have the power to clean anyone up, much less my wife!” Well, I think that imitating Christ’s love, here, means that I become the pastor and the discipler of my wife. I make it my goal to help her grow spiritually. I take the lead! I don’t leave the spiritual leadership of my home to her. I don’t always make it her idea to pray or reach out in ministry. I lead. I begin to think of how to help my wife grow closer to God and become a better follower of Christ. How are you doing at that, husbands?

ILL

Well, I have to tell you: When I came to understand what these verses were saying, I got so convicted. I’m a pastor and I do try to grow personally, but I have largely left my wife’s spiritual development to her. O, we pray together, but we have not studied the word together that much and that really bothered me. When I tried to analyze why I had not done it, I will have to admit to you that I could only come up with one answer: Convenience and comfort. It has just been more comfortable and convenient not to do it.

As a matter of fact, Law professor and technology expert Tim Lu claims that it is convenience that is the underestimated force that drives our lives. We want everything to be comfortable, easy, efficient and convenient. It is the most powerful force shaping our lives and economies. He writes:

As Evan Williams, a co-founder of Twitter, recently put it, "Convenience decides everything." Convenience seems to make our decisions for us, trumping what we like to imagine are our true preferences. (I prefer to brew my coffee, but Starbucks instant is so convenient I hardly ever do what I "prefer.") Easy is better, easiest is best.

Of course there are benefits to some of life's conveniences, but he also warns that there can be a dark side. Wu argues:

With its promise of smooth, effortless efficiency, it threatens to erase the sort of struggles and challenges that help give meaning to life. Created to free us, it can become a constraint on what we are willing to do, and thus in a subtle way it can enslave us … When we let convenience decide everything, we surrender too much.

APP

And maybe you’re saying, “Well, Rusty, I am willing to make the sacrifice. I’m willing to give up my comfort and convenience to begin to grow spiritually with my wife but I would not know where to start? How can my wife and I begin to help each other grow spiritually? How can we disciple each other?

VIS

I found this video addressing this issue with some very practical simple steps to beginning this process. Take a look.

Show video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKGic7WZGAU

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