Winning by Surrendering Part 7 Go and Be Reconciled

Intro -

conflict is around us,

there is a biblical mandate to make every effort...

But it’s a struggle. Not every instance is exactly the same. Circumstances, people, place, time. Degrees of seriousness.

Me (How do I struggle with this?)

We (How do we all struggle with this?)

God (What does the Bible say about this?)

We (How can we all live this out together?)

Biblical Ways to Deal With Conflict

Make every effort to maintain peace. ()

Surrender to Christ. ()

Four G’s of peacemaking

Glorify God ()

Get the Log Out of Your Eye ()

Gently Restore ()

Go and Be Reconciled ()

Make every effort to maintain peace

Surrender to Jesus

Four G’s

Matthew 5:23–24 CEB

23 Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Glorify God

Get the Log Out

Gently Restore

Go and Be Reconciled

Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we will actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation—forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.

Go and be reconciled

Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we will actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation—forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.

From the chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation

Cost of avoiding

New research has revealed that employees waste an average of $1,500 and an 8-hour workday for every crucial conversation they avoid. These costs skyrocket when multiplied by the prevalence of conflict avoidance.

According to the study conducted by the authors of the New York Times bestselling book Crucial Conversations, 95 percent of a company's workforce struggles to speak up to their colleagues about their concerns. As a result, they engage in resource-sapping avoidance tactics including ruminating excessively about crucial issues, complaining, getting angry, doing unnecessary work and avoiding the other person altogether. In extreme cases of avoidance, the organization's bottom line is hit especially hard.

The study of more than 600 people found that eight percent of employees estimate their avoidance costs their organization more than $10,000. And one in 20 estimate that over the course of a drawn-out silent conflict, they waste time ruminating about the problem for more than six months. Joseph Grenny, author of Crucial Conversations, says it's time organizations stop viewing interpersonal competencies as soft skills and start teaching their people how to speak up and deal directly with conflicts rather than avoiding them.

Matthew 18:15–20 CEB

15 “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. 16 But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three witnesses. 17 But if they still won’t pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. 18 I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth will be fastened in heaven. And whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened in heaven. 19 Again I assure you that if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, then my Father who is in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.”

Five Principle Steps of Reconciliation from

Use those who are part of the solution

1.Overlook Minor Offenses 2.Talk in Private 3.Take One or Two Others Along 4.Tell It to the Church (Church Accountability) 5.Treat as a Nonbeliever

Overlook Minor Offenses

Talk in Private

Take One or Two Others Along

Tell It to the Church (Church Accountability)

Treat as a Nonbeliever

give us a framework, coupled with the rest of scripture, and practical application, leads to the peacemaking responses.

Disclaimer

Seek help and guidance

Facing someone who has offended or abused you takes time and we must be aware of this.

Gender, roles

Time and place - sometimes wait until things have cooled off.

Abuse, emotional trauma, post traumatic stress disorder

Sometimes we seek help and bring someone along from the start. HR department at work helps us with this.

Parent, pastor, teacher, mediator, can help.

Crucial Elements When Seeking Help

Keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.

Keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.Make every effort not to give them unnecessary details about the conflict.Only when you and the other person are both present should you give a detailed explanation of your perceptions.

Use those who are part of the solution

Make every effort not to give them unnecessary details about the conflict.

Only when you and the other person are both present should you give a detailed explanation of your perceptions.

Keep small for as long as possible

Regardless of how you enlist the help of reconcilers in achieving your opponent’s participation, make every effort not to give them unnecessary details about the conflict. Simply explain that you and the other person are at odds and need their help. If you go into detail with the reconcilers, the other party might naturally conclude that they have already been biased in your favor. Even worse, doing so may encourage you to slander or gossip. Only when you and the other person are both present should you give a detailed explanation of your perceptions.

Rather than humbly seeking help at the first signs of conflict, many people either run away and avoid the conflict entirely or hunker down in isolated camps and lob relational bombs from behind walls of self-protection (the escape and attack responses on the Slippery Slope—

If you have wronged someone else, God calls you to go to the other person to seek forgiveness (see chapters 5 and 6). If another person has committed a wrong that is too serious to overlook, it is your responsibility to go the other person and show him his fault,

This is also common courtesy, and as Paul says, making every effort to maintain peace. Make inquire of the person or persons directly, to communicate clearly. and keep the peace

Personal steps

Overlook -

Reconcile - ;

Negotiation -

Assisted steps

Negotiation

Mediation -

Arbitration -

Accountability -

Examples of Conflict

Paul and John Mark ()

Caring for Greek speaking widows ()

Paul and John Mark...

Acts 15:36–41 CEB

36 Some time later, Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s go back and visit all the brothers and sisters in every city where we preached the Lord’s word. Let’s see how they are doing.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them. 38 Paul insisted that they shouldn’t take him along, since he had deserted them in Pamphylia and hadn’t continued with them in their work. 39 Their argument became so intense that they went their separate ways. Barnabas took Mark and sailed to Cyprus. 40 Paul chose Silas and left, entrusted by the brothers and sisters to the Lord’s grace. 41 He traveled through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Peacemaking responses slide

Paul wasn’t healed enough, sure enough to reconcile with John Mark. Barnabas was more sure and had reconciled things with John Mark apparently. Paul wouldn’t have any of it. Evidently the principles and rules he had didn’t have room for John Mark.

The result was a division. Two groups with the same goal, the same journey, to foster experiences with Jesus, spreading the gospel.

It was a solution to the problem that not all things were reconciled at that time between them.

Though there was division on the parameters rules and guidelines of the missionary journeys and who qualified to take part, they were clear that the work and purpose was of utmost importance.

Later on, eventually things got worked out and Paul and John Mark

reveals that Paul once more received John Mark as a fellow worker (), and Paul learned to recognize in John Mark one who was “profitable” to him “for the ministry” ()

Past attempts with the same person

Seems to always be similar issue

Past arbitration or mediation steps and failed to follow through with the agreement

I promise I will change

Go and Be Reconciled

Example of widows

Acts 6:1–7 CEB

1 About that time, while the number of disciples continued to increase, a complaint arose. Greek-speaking disciples accused the Aramaic-speaking disciples because their widows were being overlooked in the daily food service. 2 The Twelve called a meeting of all the disciples and said, “It isn’t right for us to set aside proclamation of God’s word in order to serve tables. 3 Brothers and sisters, carefully choose seven well-respected men from among you. They must be well-respected and endowed by the Spirit with exceptional wisdom. We will put them in charge of this concern. 4 As for us, we will devote ourselves to prayer and the service of proclaiming the word.” 5 This proposal pleased the entire community. They selected Stephen, a man endowed by the Holy Spirit with exceptional faith, Philip, Prochorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolaus from Antioch, a convert to Judaism. 6 The community presented these seven to the apostles, who prayed and laid their hands on them. 7 God’s word continued to grow. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased significantly. Even a large group of priests embraced the faith.

Acts

Was a top down reconciliation that shows some of the steps. Bottom up would have been if the widows could reconcile with the local Christians who should have been helping but were not.

Relationship that needed reconciling was between widows and those who were supposed to be helping them, for now the helped had stopped.

Acts Example of widows

Underlying issues.

Was a top down reconciliation that shows some of the steps. Bottom up would have been if the widows could reconcile with the local Christians who should have been helping but were not.

The fact that it is Grecian Jews had a complain against Hebraic believers, and this shows that cultural tensions probably lie behind the oversight. Pious widows, having been removed from the temple dole—the weekly quppâh, or poor basket of foodstuffs (m. Pe’a 8:7)—are now dependent on the church’s daily distribution. But no one is making sure the Grecian widows receive their share.

Hebraic Jews had a prejudicial sense of superiority over Grecian Jews, because of their own birthplace and language. Lack of communication between the groups also fostered suspicion. In fact, human diversity will always bring with it opportunities for prejudicial division and injustice.

Facing the problem immediately and openly, the Twelve gather the congregation (plēthos; see 4:32 for comment) and point out another threat: distraction from their calling, the ministry of the word of God. This activity is essential for church vitality and growth (see 6:7). The apostles are facing the decisions that come to leaders of a movement that is growing in numbers and complexity.

William J. Larkin Jr., Acts, The IVP New Testament Commentary Series, (Westmont, IL: IVP Academic, 1995), 5:.

*********

The fact that it is Grecian Jews had a complain against Hebraic believers, and this shows that cultural tensions probably lie behind the oversight. Pious widows, having been removed from the temple dole—the weekly quppâh, or poor basket of foodstuffs (m. Pe’a 8:7)—are now dependent on the church’s daily distribution. But no one is making sure the Grecian widows receive their share.

Grecian, Greek speaking Christians, called Hellenists. They were Greek speaking Christians who converted from Judaism, but were from the Greek culture. They had their own synagogues, due to language and background. And is common, they tended to associate more with other Grecian Christians.

The Aramaic speaking Christians. Hebraic Christians. Had a prejudicial sense of superiority over Grecian Jews, because of their own birthplace and language. Lack of communication between the groups also fostered suspicion. In fact, human diversity will always bring with it opportunities for prejudicial division and injustice.

Mission to gentiles had not yet started. Not a homogeneous church.

Mission to gentiles had not yet started. Not a homogenous church.

All of that going on, and then the Grecian widows are overlooked. Not being cared for. The Jewish synagogue normally carried for the widows of the community. But the Jews who converted, lost their privilege to receive help from the temple, of course. But the Christian church took up the role of carrying for the needy among members of the community.

Whether it was the prejudicial sense of superiority over Grecian Jews, or a lack of organization among a fast growing movement, there was something that was missing. The caregivers of the Greek speaking Christian widows who lived in Jerusalem were missing.

The Apostles were made aware of the situation. There was some reconciling needed between those in the neighborhood who should have been daily carrying for the widows and the widows themselves. Why were they not connected to the widows?

So they came up with the idea to select 7 men from their culture

They didn’t yet try to tackle by sending their best Aramaic speaking church members to help. Or to preach to the Greek speaking Christians about taking on the culture of the Aramaic speaking Christians.

They tackled the issue by selecting the servants from among the same cultural community as the widows.

Group decision, Shared the idea, then voted on it, and followed through with it by bringing up the names.

Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we will actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation—forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences

Matthew 5:23–24 CEB

23 Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Matthew 18:15–20 CEB

15 “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. 16 But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three witnesses.17 But if they still won’t pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. 18 I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth will be fastened in heaven. And whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened in heaven. 19 Again I assure you that if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, then my Father who is in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.”

Mat 18.

Matthew 5:23–24 CEB

23 Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Matthew 6:12 CEB

12 Forgive us for the ways we have wronged you, just as we also forgive those who have wronged us.

;

Matthew 7:12 CEB

12 Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you; this is the Law and the Prophets.

Ephesians 4:1–3 NIV

1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

,

eph 4.

Ephesians 4:32 CEB

32 Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.

).

Philippians 2:3–4 CEB

3 Don’t do anything for selfish purposes, but with humility think of others as better than yourselves. 4 Instead of each person watching out for their own good, watch out for what is better for others.

You (What should you do about this?)

Go and live bigger than ourselves.

Philippians 2:3–4 CEB

3 Don’t do anything for selfish purposes, but with humility think of others as better than yourselves. 4 Instead of each person watching out for their own good, watch out for what is better for others.

End self-justification.

Jesus has already justified us.

Psychologists Say Self-Justification Chokes Love Out Of Relationship In their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson describe how a fixation on our own righteousness can choke the life out of love. They write:

The vast majority of couples who drift apart do so slowly, over time, in a snowballing pattern of blame and self-justification. Each partner focuses on what the other one is doing wrong, while justifying his or her own preferences, attitudes, and ways of doing things. … From our standpoint, therefore, misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love; self-justification is.

John 13:34–35 CEB

“I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other. This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, when you love each other.”

Ephesians 4:32 CEB

Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.

;

Let us commit to living well and loving well.

We (How can we all live this out together?)

End self-justification. (Phil. 2:3-4)

Jesus has already justified us.

Ephesians 4:32 CEB

32 Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.

Love each other. (Matt. 13:34-35

Forgive each other. (Eph. 4:32)

Go and Be Reconciled. (Matt. 5:23-24)

Seek help

Start today

Psychologists Say Self-Justification Chokes Love Out Of Relationship In their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson describe how a fixation on our own righteousness can choke the life out of love. They write:

The vast majority of couples who drift apart do so slowly, over time, in a snowballing pattern of blame and self-justification. Each partner focuses on what the other one is doing wrong, while justifying his or her own preferences, attitudes, and ways of doing things. … From our standpoint, therefore, misunderstandings, conflicts, personality differences, and even angry quarrels are not the assassins of love; self-justification is.

John 13:34–35 CEB

“I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other. This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, when you love each other.”

Ephesians 4:32 CEB

Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.

Let us commit to living well and loving well.

Go and be reconciled.

Start the steps

seek help

Winning by Surrendering Part 7 Go and Be Reconciled

Go and Be Reconciled

Peacemaking Responses

steps slide

Peacemaking responses slide

Live Well and Love Well (; )

Applied to Our Lives