Let's talk about it: Fathers

Bible

There are two verses I want to look at in relation to fathers. They are parallel verses from the matching “household code” sections in Colossians and Ephesians. These sections explain how people in a household are supposed to relate to one another as Christians.

In Colossians 3:21 Paul explains how fathers are to relate to their children:

Colossians 3:21 ESV

21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

The matching verse in Ephesians 6:4 is a little different:

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

So what do these say to us?

Story

The Colossians verse has always piqued my interest, because I remember being very exasperated, irritated, provoked to anger, or aggravated by my dad as a kid. Especially when I got in trouble. At one stage I was so annoyed with the way Dad disciplined me without giving me a hearing or even explaining (to my satisfaction, anyway) what I had done wrong, that I determined to always explain to my own future kids exactly why they were in trouble, and to give them a chance to argue their case.

Now, as you may expect, the idea of giving kids a chance to argue their case doesn’t often work. But I did always explain to Atalia exactly what she had done wrong and why she was getting in trouble. Nonetheless, I’m sure that she often felt, as I did, that her dad wasn’t being fair, and she thus felt provoked.

What should we do?

Which raises the question: who is in the wrong here? Was my Dad, and me after him, wrong about correcting our children, even when they disagreed with us? Is that what Paul means when he says “do not provoke your children?”

Well, clearly not. The second part of the Ephesians verse makes it clear that a father’s job is to instruct and admonish their children. The Greek words here are padeia, which means “the act of providing guidance for responsible living,” and underlies the English word “pedagogy” and its relatives; and nouthesia, which means “counsel about avoidance or cessation of an improper course of conduct,” or in a word, “admonition.” So you can see that God expects a father to both instruct their child in how to live, and also correct them when they go wrong—both positive and negative instruction.

What should we not do?

Which leaves the question: what then is the provocation that discourages our children? And here I think my own experience gives the answer. Both my dad and myself struggle with a critical nature. It is too easy for us to point out wrongs and too hard to give out praise. I know from experience how discouraging this can be for the recipient. And it’s a natural mistake for caring, loving parents who want to protect their kids from error and harm.

But, as Paul says, we must be careful not to overdo admonition. Too much criticism is discouraging. There are many things which don’t need criticizing. And there are many ways in which our children, including Atalia, do well, and should be praised.

Fathers, let’s listen to the Holy Spirit and get that balance right!