Guardrails... Friends
Notes
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15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 18 Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit,
Intro
Have you ever met somebody that later you wish you had never met? that your husband or wife or child had never met?
There is a relationship between folks we’ve met and our deepest regrets.
There is a relationship between folks we’ve met and our deepest regrets.
I don’t know what your greatest regrets are, but I’ll bet that you were not alone when the actions that lead to those regrets occured.
Our greatest regrets most often involve people… and it’s not people who are our enemies, but people who are close to us. Our greatest regrets are usually connected with people we would consider friends. Think about it.
You may be thinking I wish ???? was here… invite them next week.
Review
A Guardrail is a system designed to help keep vehicles from straying into dangerous or off limit areas.
A Guardrail is a system designed to help keep vehicles from straying into dangerous or off limit areas.
Guardrails Direct and protect.
Guardrails Direct and protect.
Guardrails protect us from something worse and the direct us to the right direction.
Guardrails are not placed in the danger zone, they are placed in the safe area. They keep us out of the danger zone.
No one argues with the logic of putting guardrails int he safe zone outside of the danger zone.
Guardrails are designed to minimize damage.
Many of our greatest regrets would have been avoided if we had guardrails in place.
Many of our greatest regrets would have been avoided if we had guardrails in place.
Regrets in your finances, personal relationships, careers…
None of us like rules, so when we place rules on ourselves, it can be a little threatening to those around us. Misery loves company.
Culture doesn’t encourage guardrails.
Culture doesn’t encourage guardrails.
Culture doesn’t like absolutes.
Culture is happy with erasable lines.
Culture is happy with erasable lines.
Even though culture will make fun of you for having guardrails, it will mock and shame you when you run off the road financially, relationally, addictions...
Because most of our regrets occur when we are with Friends, Relatives, Associates or neighbors - people we know, ...
We need Guardrails in our Relationships
We need Guardrails in our Relationships
These are the people we spend our time with… etc. When we are with FRAN we tend to let our guard down.
The reason - It often is the people whom we know that we have the greatest regrets while with them. This may sound judgemental, but it’s not, it’s about good judgement or sound judgement.
Guardrails in relationships are about good judgements
Guardrails in relationships are about good judgements
There is a difference.
Judgemental is when I draw a conclusion about you and expect you to act different.
Judgemental is when I draw a conclusion about you and expect you to act different.
It’s about me deciding how you should act, what you should stop doing and start doing.
Good Judgement is about drawing conclusion about my life and how I should act.
Good Judgement is about drawing conclusion about my life and how I should act.
Good Judgement is drawing conclusions about ourselves based on wisdom, our past, our present and future. This is me looking at me and deciding what I can and
Judgemental assumes something about the other person. Good judgement is about you and me.
ILL - I’m not emotionally mature enough to… do business with… be friends with… It’s on me… about me.
Who we spend out time with is important.
When we were kids our parents were fanatical about who we spent time with.
When we were kids our parents were fanatical about who we spent time with.
We all had kids we knew that our parents said NO to being their friends… if you parents never said that - you are the one the other parents said that about.
Back in the day, they would sneak in an read your journals… you would be mad, but they were looking out for you.
I have friends whose parents switched their school… moved away from a neighborhood in the middle of the night. Maybe they wouldn’t let you play at ??? house… would have arranged your marriage if you had cooperated.
And you thought they were soooo judgemental and now you are a parent and you are 10x worse.
Now you are a parent and you are worse.
Now you are a parent and you are worse.
Why? Well, you remember you and your friends… that’s why.
It’s easier now than it was. You can stalk your kids through ....
You have an electronic surveillance system… social media, phones… You can check your childs pages and find out what they ave been up to. My mom and dad used to listen to the police scanner to know where he was at all times.
You can read their texts, messages… social media…
By the time you meet your kids friends, you know everything about them.
Your kids, and some parents may say you are too judgemental and untrusting … but you are exercising good judgement. You now know what your mama knew way back then.
Why is this important?
Our friends determine the direction and quality of our lives.
Our friends determine the direction and quality of our lives.
The same thing that makes friendship wonderful is the same thing that can make them dangerous.
The same thing that makes friendship wonderful is the same thing that can make them dangerous.
We tend to drop our guard with our friends.
We crave acceptance with out friends whcih leaves us open to being influenced. Let’s take a quick test...
Did anyone smoke their first cigarette alone?
Most addictive behaviors begin in a crowd.
When you experienced one of your greatest regrets, were you with a friend of an enemy?
Like I said
The very thing that makes friendships wonderful is the same thing that makes them hazardous.
The very thing that makes friendships wonderful is the same thing that makes them hazardous.
You may not know this, but you are an acceptance magnet. You are drawn to people and places where you feel accepted. You may not even realize it, but you are so we have to be on our guard because it’s not always a good thing.
If your own experience hasn’t sow you this, look at this study out of Northwestern University.
Study - Moran Cerf - When two people are in each other’s company, their brainwaves will begin to look nearly the same.
Study - Moran Cerf - When two people are in each other’s company, their brainwaves will begin to look nearly the same.
It’s not just behavioral. When you spend time with people you begin to think like them and become like them and your brainwaves reflect that.
He goes on to say that, “just being next to some people actually aligns your brain with them.” Look to your left… right. Is that who you want your brainwaves aligned with? don’t answer that. It happens. It just happened. I made some sounds and your ears turned them into words and you all laughed.
He goes on to say… “if people want to maximize happiness, they should surround themselves with people who embody the traits they prefer.”
“if people want to maximize happiness, they should surround themselves with people who embody the traits they prefer.”
“if people want to maximize happiness, they should surround themselves with people who embody the traits they prefer.”
Why? Because you begin to think like them and feel like them. It’s neurological.
So when your mama said don’t hang out with those kids it was because she did not want you to be like them...
This works in the business world. If you work in a sales organization, your boss will want you hanging out with salespeople who are good … why, because your brain will begin to think like theirs and you will become successful too.
Three thousand years ago, Solomon said this...
20 Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.
Wisdom is contagious. Hang out … do life with wise people and you will be wise. How, your brain will align with their brain waves … it works.
A wise person is someone who understands that life is connected...
A Wise person understands that todays decisions are connected to tomorrows outcomes.
A Wise person understands that todays decisions are connected to tomorrows outcomes.
Then there is the other part of this.
20 Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.
Bible - a fool was someone who did not live carefully. They do not connect the dots nor do they understand that yesterday impacts them today ands what they do today impacts tomorrow and their future. A fool is someone who just lives for the day.
You would expect Solomon to say if you hang out with fools you become a fool… he doesn’t say that. He says…
Hang out with fools and you get into trouble.
Hang out with fools and you get into trouble.
A fool knows what’s right but doesn’t care.
He didn’t say the companion of fools s is a fool, he said that the companion of fools suffers harm.
The issue is how close we stay around people we don’t need to be around. The issue is proximity. As they go, you go… when things go bad for them you have a great chance that things will go bad for you.
You may not do what they do, but if you hang around them long enough you will (Morgan Cerif)… or you worse… you will be hit by shrapnel from their bad decisions.
Hang around fools and you will catch the shrapnel from their bad decisions
Hang around fools and you will catch the shrapnel from their bad decisions
If you hang out with friends who aren’t careful with their lives, they will not be careful with yours.
Friends who don’t take care of themselves will not take care of you
Friends who don’t take care of themselves will not take care of you
Friends who lie, steal and cheat feel better if you lie, steal and cheat. They will say something like, I finally go them into a bar…etc.
Friends who don’t take care of their marriages will not look out for yours.
Friends who don’t mind abusing their bodies won’t mind if you abuse yours.
Friends who cheat … will feel better about themselves if you will too.
Friends who break the law won’t confront you about breaking the law.
Friends can be dangerous so you need to establish a guardrail that informs your conscience so that when you start to veer off the lights come on.
Friendships can be dangerous so they require guardrails
Friendships can be dangerous so they require guardrails
Remember the point of a guardrail is to light up our conscience before we veer into the danger zone. I want to encourage you to consider these guardrails.
1. Your conscience should light up when it dawns on you that your core friends are not going in the same direction you want your life to move.
1. Your conscience should light up when it dawns on you that your core friends are not going in the same direction you want your life to move.
You realize that you like so many of the same things, but when you look at the direction their life is going, it’s not really the direction you want to move towards. the girl from Marrero Middle I met who was in med school - while friends were doing fun stuff, she prepared herself… now she is a doctor and doing well.
When this happens, you need to re-think who your core group of friends are. You may think that your friends don’t lead you… but they do. You will be gin to think like them because your brainwaves will align themselves. It’s the nature of relationships, so when it dawns on you… change your core group.
2. Your conscience should light up when you catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you are.
2. Your conscience should light up when you catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you are.
You know… you catch yourself agreeing with your friends but you really don’t. You feel pressure to be and act like someone you are not… Marriott Execs… HCA execs…
Thats funny, but when you catch yourself agreeing with something on the outside that deep down you disagree with, it should be a stop sign to you. When you pretend you are actually lying to your friends which makes you not so good of a friend.
When this happens, re-consider your friends.
3. Your conscience should light up when you feel pressure to compromise.
3. Your conscience should light up when you feel pressure to compromise.
Not once you compromised and run off into the ditch. IOW, when something that wasn’t a big temptation becomes one… it should light up your conscience. When something that has never been a temptation… something you just said no to when invited… now you catch yourself going … well maybe… When it becomes (in your brain / heart) a live option… a real consideration, it should light up your conscience. Maybe you should rethink it.
You want to rethink it before you cross the line into the danger zone.
4. Your conscience should light up when you catch yourself thinking, I’ll go but I won’t participate.
4. Your conscience should light up when you catch yourself thinking, I’ll go but I won’t participate.
How many times have we said that…?
Let me ask you this… would you buy that from your 15 year old daughter? Oh come on mom… sure it’s 12 guys and just me and my friend… they are not doing bad things… I won’t participate. Do you say O sweetie, go ahead… NO You tell her to either stay home or you go with her. right guys?
We wouldn’t believe our kids so we should buy it from ourselves.
I’m not saying you can’t move forward, but when you start having that conversation in your head it should bother your conscience. You are bumping up against a guardrail… no damage yet.
5. Your conscience should light up when you hope the people you care about don’t know where you are.
5. Your conscience should light up when you hope the people you care about don’t know where you are.
Even if you are not doing anything wrong… you just hope that the people who care about you don’t know where you are. You haven’t broken any laws, been unfaithful, or done anything to embarrass yourself, but you have now begun to lie. Maybe you haven’t lied yet, but if you are tempted to lie about where you are… it should light up your conscience.
Conclusion
Culture will say, Oh come one… it doesn’t matter… they won’t find out.
This may sound judgemental and over the top, but tomorrow you and millions of other people will wake up and look int he mirror and go, “how did I get here?” Whose life is this?
Our friends still determine the direction and quality of our lives. It’s why you & I need guardrails.
Jesus said something significant about this. He was speaking to a group that always tried to get the last word… always countered his teaching. No matter what he said, they would have an argument against it. One day Jesus was probably tied of it, so he made a powerful statement.
35 But wisdom is shown to be right by the lives of those who follow it.”
IOW the proof is in the pudding or
Time will Tell
Time will Tell
Wisdom will always show up. It will allow you to win the argument, but you will lose at life. That’s Jesus point here. Wisdom is proved right not in the debate, but by the outcome. You can argue with all of this, but you will eventually run off the road.
Establishing Personal guardrails when it comes to our FRAN is no a lack of concern for other people… not a lack of love for other people. It’s not about other people, it’s about your future, your hopes and dreams, your future marriage, your kids...
When it comes to helping other people, when you remain in the safe zone, you are better able to help your FRAN when they cross the lines and crash… when the results of their decisions come back to show up in their relationships and families.
Jesus is right, wisdom is proved right by the lives of those who follow it. Walk with the wise and become wise.
15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise.
Think about guardrails you need to establish with your FRAN. You will be glad you did.