Family Feud - 4 (Parenting 1)

Family Feud - 4

Parenting - 1

Introduction

According to recent research from multiple organizations, having a child may just be the worst mistake you could ever possibly make.

70% of couples experience slumps in their relationship within the first three years of a child’s birth. This is attributed to the new parenting realities of less intimacy, less money, disagreement on parenting philosophies, and overall lack of time spent together.

Ellen Walker, P.h.D. told Psychology Today, “Marital satisfaction rates actually plummet after the birth of the first child. So, if a couple has the idea that a baby will bring them closer, think again.”

Sleep is another contributing factor. In the first two years of a baby’s life, a parent will lose six months of sleep, amounting to an average of 2.5 hours of actual sleep per night.Finances contribute as well. According to NBC News, having a child in America can cost up to $13,000 per year, amounting to almost a quarter of a million dollars by age 17.

As we continue our Family Feud series, we are shifting gears from talking primarily about marriage to spending a couple weeks seeing God’s design for parenting. While the Bible does not give very many specific parenting “do’s and don’ts,” it does give us general principles and guidelines to follow.

Though it may seem like the factors are against parents regarding their finances, sleep, time spent together, God has much to say about the gift that children are to a home.

- 3 Children are a gift from the Lord;

    they are a reward from him.

- 15 One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him. 16 Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. 17 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”

As the Bible addresses the relationship between parents and children, we receive the guidance from God to get this right. There is simply too much at stake to mess this up. The Bible says to bring our children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. How do we do that the best way? Since the Bible doesn’t give us a lot of specific teachings here (as a manual), there then becomes multiple ways to parent children. Sadly, many of them or poor ways to do it. There are multiple ‘styles’ of parenting today.

Militant parenting– all about rules, restrictions, over the top on discipline.  Harsh, overbearing. Their kids end up being insecure and afraid of ever messing up. They have no concept of grace, only justice.

Buddy parenting– all about being friends with their kids instead of parents.  End up dressing alike and lamely attempting to hang out with their friends.  Enforces little, if any, discipline because they just want their kids to like them and think they’re cool. Their children end up directionless and without guidance because their parents have made parenting about themselves.

Clueless parenting– so uninvolved in their kid’s lives they have no idea what their kids are up to.  Due to their overly-demanding job, ever-escalating list of personal hobbies, or just plain apathy, they do not know their kid’s friends, how they are doing in school, what they are dealing with. These kids end up being left to figure out everything on their own, or finding direction from their friends, or anyone who will pay attention to them.

TS—no wonder we are, according to several leading scholars, in a parenting crisis.

As you can obviously imagine, the biblical picture of parenting is quite different. The image I’d like for us to consider today and next week is that of a pottery wheel.

– 8 And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.

    We are the clay, and you are the potter.

    We all are formed by your hand.

God, as our Father, is the potter.  We, his children, are the clay in his hands.  What we turn out to be is due to his direct influence in our lives and how he lovingly molds and shapes us. Our example in the Bible of great parenting is God himself.  If we are going to take parenting cues from anyone, it must be him.

So we as the parents are called, like God does with us, to mold and shape our children. To create a beautiful piece of art, it takes the right managing of the tensions and forces.  There is internal and external work to do to ensure just the right balance.

TS—Today and next week we are going to talk about 4 forces that will mold your child.  They will mold your child whether you like it or not. The only difference is how they will mold them and to what extent.  The only difference maker in that is you as the parent.

The first two forces are external, which we as parents are to regulate.  The second two, which we will talk about next week, are internal, which mean they come directly from the parent, and we are to initiate them.

Two External Forces for parents to regulate:

1. FAITH

From the very beginning, God has instructed parents to impress faith on their children.

– 6 And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. 7 Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.

- 4 Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power.

– 6 Direct your children onto the right path,

and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Here is why God takes this so seriously – faith is the most formative force in someone’s life. Faith touches on every aspect of someone’s worldview.  Faith impacts, not just what you do in the world, but even how you respond to it. Faith…

…gives higher purpose and meaning to life.

…establishes personal identity.

…inspires hope, enabling one to endure anything.

…provides a moral compass to help navigate the world.

…communicates value as a loved child of God.

…equips you to handle inevitable suffering.

…fosters deep relationships that make a life rich.

…encourages authenticity.

TS—no wonder God has us impart faith to our kids.  It is by far the greatest outside formative force we will ever experience.  Let me clarify a couple issues:

There is a difference between bringing your kids to church and imparting faith to them. I grew up in a church-attending home, not necessarily a Christian home.  I learned there is a huge difference between them. It’s not that my parents were not Christian, they most certainly were. But our faith did not impact our home at all.

Church was a high priority for our family growing up. We did Sunday School, Sunday Worship, Sunday PM service, and Wednesday night youth group. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is raising them in a good church.

However, please understand…Imparting faith happens primarily at home, not primarily at church. In conversations in the car. Around the dinner table. At bedtime.

Faith impartation happens when kids watch their parents live out their own faith.  This is caught much more than it is taught. The church, no matter how good, cannot replace that example.  Children become what they see. We’ll chat more about that one next week.

Unfortunately there are some parents that are allowing, maybe even hoping, that the church will be surrogate parents for them in this regard…teach my kid the bible, lead them to Christ, provide a moral framework for them. Parents, that is your primary job.

The church helps to reinforce and supplement that, but it does not and cannot replace it. The Church’s job is to come alongside you parents to better equip you to be who God has called you to be.

So, here are some ideas to get you started:

- Pray with your kids and for them.  More than just at dinner. - Read the bible/do devotions together - Have spiritual conversations

-After church. -Pause TV or movie for teaching moments.

-Makes Jesus a common name in your house. - Make church a priority. When it is a priority when you are younger, that continues when you are older.  That foundation gets built early on.

Maybe you’ve heard before the stat that says around 75% of teens leave the church during their first year of college.  It’s sadly true. However, over 80% of those students come back into the church later in life, usually at marriage or when they have their first child. I’ve spoken to so many who have returned…if you ask them what factors played a role in causing them to walk away from church for a time, you will hear them say that part of the problem was that growing up they skipped church for any reason in the book (primarily sports). Friends, that communicates.  Much of this is caught more than taught.

Now, if you don’t currently do any of these kinds of things in your house, like praying with/for your kids, or reading the bible together, start small. Nobody expects you to turn into Super-Saint-Mom/Dad by tomorrow. This may be awkward at first since it may be new to you…that goes away pretty quickly.

Much is at stake here. Your greatest contribution to the world may not be the success you experience, the riches you accumulate, or the incredible things you achieve. Your greatest contribution to the world may be the person you raise.

- 4 We will not hide these truths from our children;

    we will tell the next generation

about the glorious deeds of the Lord,

    about his power and his mighty wonders.

5 For he issued his laws to Jacob;

    he gave his instructions to Israel.

He commanded our ancestors

    to teach them to their children,

6 so the next generation might know them—

    even the children not yet born—

    and they in turn will teach their own children.

7 So each generation should set its hope anew on God,

    not forgetting his glorious miracles

    and obeying his commands.

8 Then they will not be like their ancestors—

    stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,

    refusing to give their hearts to God.

2. CULTURE

Do not be naïve.  Your kids will be affected by culture.  The movies they see, the music they listen to, the friends they hang out with…those are all formative forces.

Never underestimate it’s power…

average 1st grader can recognize 200 logos.92% of American children have an online presence before the age of two, because parents post nearly 1,000 images of their children online before they turn five. This is so prolific in our culture that this phenomenon has a name - “sharenting.”

Unless you keep your child, from birth, in a concrete vault, this will happen. Whether you homeschool, private school or public school—they leave the house eventually. And you don’t even have to leave the house for this to be an influence. The forces of culture, through media, come right into our homes and in front of our faces.

Dr. Delaney Ruston, physician and director of a documentary called “Screenagers” that chronicles issues surrounding kids and the influence of technology, writes, “The worst thing a parent can do is hand over a smartphone and hope for the best. But parents often feel like trying to set limits is pointless, that the cat is out of the bag, tech is everywhere. I hear all kinds of excuses. But kids’ brains aren’t wired to self-regulate. They can’t do it without you, and they shouldn’t have to.”

The issue becomes, then, how do we as parents regulate this force? I have no desire to be a doomsday prophet or some sort of fuddy duddy here. I am absolutely not against technology, video games, cell phones, or social media. But there is real danger attached to this. Hormones and emotions of kids are a lit match…media is a gas can.

When someone has their first child they experience something unlike anything else they’ve ever encountered. A switch gets flipped and the desire to protect explodes. You realize a new truth, “I will kill for this child.” My job is to protect.

You see, we will go overboard to protect our kids physically, but we cannot give this stuff a free pass. This may not be any physical danger we are talking about, but this is a spiritual danger.

, – 11 Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them…15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days.

So how do we regulate this influence? Few quick ideas:

- Know what your kids are consuming.

-TV, movies, music, books, friends, social media.  -Just because something is on a kids channel or a family network does not make it healthy. Just because an app is rated for their age doesn’t mean you agree with the app creator’s assessment.

66% of parents talk to their child about the dangers of different social media sites. That’s good. But only 43% of parents follow their children on those sites. Only 39% set any sort of parental privacy settings.

One of the most formative books I’ve ever read is a book for dads with daughters called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Dr. Meg Meeker, a pediatrician. In that book she cites a study done by Dr. Jay Giedd, chief of brain imaging in the child psychiatry branch at the National Institute of Mental Health. He has spent over 13 years performing MRIs to study the brains of over 1800 kids. His research has concluded that during the teenage years, their brains, while fully grown, have not fully developed and matured yet. And the last part of the brain to fully mature, which happens in their early 20’s, is the pre-frontal cortex. That is the home of the so-called “executive functions” of the brain…planning, setting priorities, organizing thoughts, impulse control, and weighing the consequences of one’s actions.

Meaning this…it is unfair for a parent to expect a teenager to make adult decisions. While teens can be very wise and possess incredible amounts of self-control, they literally cannot make adult decisions because their brains literally cannot allow it.

- Pay close attention to their relationships. I’ve mentioned friends a couple times.  Don’t think for one minute that their friends do not influence them culturally.  Your kids are exposed to the culture of their friend’s household.

So, you must evaluate, should my child be a friend with this person?  Should they ever go to their house?  Do I know their parents?  Do I trust them?  Do the values of that home match up with mine?

- Be wise in your own usage of media. What are your kids picking up from you? Set the example with this - 60% of parents are concerned about screen time, while 70% of kids are concerned their parents are the ones with too much screen time. Remember, they become what they see.

Conclusion

Again, much is at stake in parenting. So we ask God for wisdom and courage. And we follow his example.

- 9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

Invitation/Starting Point Room/Elders down front

Communion