Family Feud - 5 (Parenting 2)

Family Feud - 5 (Parenting 2)

Introduction

Parents have a special relationship with their children. No other relationship in our lives is quite like this one. The ups and downs, the struggles, frustrations, joys, and delights are unlike anything else. And the “special” nature to that relationship can take on many different forms.

Maybe it looks like protection. This is Chelsi Camp [pic] and her daughter Kenzi. In 2014, they were babysitting a friend’s dog that unexpectedly attacked Kenzi. To protect her daughter, Chelsi Camp jumped into the attack, shoved her hand down the dog’s throat to take the bites onto herself, and ended up biting the dogs ear off. One news source said, “Mike Tyson has nothing on this heroic mom.”

Or maybe that parenting relationship looks less like fierce protection and more like fun. This is Dale Price [pic-chargers jersey]. Last school year, his son’s bus route changed, bringing his 16 year old son right past their own house every day. So this brought out the natural desire in this dad to embarrass his son.

As a genuine act of saying “I love you” Dale dressed as a different character every single day of that school year and stood outside waving at the bus. He is known for outfits such as a knight in armor [pic], gas mask hoodie [pic], and batman and robin [pic].

TS - sometimes parenting is hard. But sometimes it’s fun. As we navigate the challenges of the ups and downs of raising children, we don’t have to do so blindly. God has given us great principles to guide us.

Last week we introduced the parenting concept by saying that we must take our parenting cues from God, our loving heavenly Father.  In so doing we discover an image of what parenting is supposed to look like: pottery.

– 8 And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.

    We are the clay, and you are the potter.

    We all are formed by your hand.

God, our Father, molds and shapes us, like pottery, into the people he wants us to be. With the right amount of force, tension, and gentle guidance, we begin to take shape. And as God does for us, we are called to do for our children.

The parent’s job is to be used by God to mold and shape their child into the godly follower of Christ that God would want them to be. In so doing, the parent’s responsibility is to manage the forces that do mold a child.  Last week we began talking about 4 forces that mold children, both internal and external…and will do so whether we like it or not. But how they mold and to what extent is dependent on the parent. Last week we covered the two external forces of faith and culture, which parents are to regulate. 

Today we are going to look at two internal forces, meaning that the parents initiate them.

1. DISCIPLINE

For many parents, this is a dirty word, and for some, with good reason. For them it brings back harsh memories of overbearing parents.  For others it reeks of political incorrectness that offends delicate sensitivities today.

Over the course of the past few decades there has been a monumental shift in regards to parental discipline.  You can read about this shift in any number of parenting books and studies.

It seems that a generation or two ago, maybe there was a bit of an error (at least it seems that way now) on the too much discipline side.

My mother and her siblings were abused by my grandfather when they were young children. How he “disciplined” them was illegal even then and left an indelible mark on the family. Listening to my father tell stories of how he was disciplined can cause you to shudder, things that would now land him in jail.

But now the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme for many, to the point of a noticeable lack of discipline in many ways. 

A couple years ago our family was in grocery store and crossed paths with same people multiple times as we went up and down the aisles.  There was a young mom there with a little boy in the cart, and he was acting up. It was pretty ugly. Mom was trying to bribe for good behavior with candy.  Bribery is an undervalued parental skill! He did not comply.  Yet at checkout…there he sat with a big candy bar. What!? No way he should have that candy bar. All that happened was that he got rewarded for being a little snot.

As we see the extremes of discipline…either too much or none…as with most things, neither extreme is ideal. If you raise a child militantly, with too much discipline, there is a higher risk for a child that will grow up to be harsh, arrogant, and emotionally detached. It also creates a scenario of likely rebellion once they are “free” from overbearing parents.

– 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.

Other translations put it, “do not embitter them, or exasperate them.’ Don’t be so overbearing with unreasonable expectations of perfection, or harsh levels of punishment. That doesn’t necessarily help them, it can crush them. You may win the battle of behavior control, but you will lose the war of your child’s affections.

But on the other hand, if you raise them with too little discipline, you run the risk of raising someone who will be entitled, spoiled and terribly selfish. 

– 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

– 15 A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness,

    but physical discipline will drive it far away.

Really, the issue becomes about balance.  With discipline, there is a duality that is needed.  Between LOVE and LIMITS.  Between AFFECTION and AUTHORITY.

But we dare not forget that having limits is an act of love. Love is not doing whatever you want.  To love someone doesn’t mean that you approve of and support everything they do. That’s anarchy. To love someone is to seek their best.  Sometimes what is best is setting limits.

God does this for us.  He sets boundaries/limits for us.  Why?  Because he is a killjoy?  No.  Because he hates us and wants us to be miserable? No. Because he is punishing us for our mistakes? No. God sets limits for us because he loves us.

Several years ago when our son, Nathan, was just a couple years old, we went camping. Nathan has always been…how do I say this politely…an expert at falling. When he was small his head was usually one giant bruise from all the falls. While we were at the campground, he loved running down this little hill… right next to the campfire.  He was giggling and laughing the whole time. I was a nervous wreck. Because if anyone will fall into that fire, it would be Nathan. This is the kid who, last week, at the age of 12, accidentally set his shirt on fire, while he was wearing it. So at this campfire, what do I do? What is the loving thing to do? Do I let him run into the fire because that’s what he wants to do or do I stop him?  Love sets limits. He still got to run around, but far away from the fire.

TS - Again, in parenting, we take our cues from God—a loving Father who disciplines.

– 5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said,

“My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,

    and don’t give up when he corrects you.

6 For the Lord disciplines those he loves,

    and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”

7 As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? 8 If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. 9 Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? 10 For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. 11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

Notice a few things here: First, to love means to discipline. This is what a loving parent does. Discipline is for our good. We don’t necessarily like it at the time, but it produces incredible results. We can become holy, living in peaceful right living. That happens because of proper discipline. Notice the last phrase…”trained in this way.” Discipline trains us. Guides us.

As I mentioned last week, the Bible does not give a lot of specific parenting do’s and don’ts. It gives guidelines to follow. Certainly true here with this topic. The Bible doesn’t tell us how to discipline our kids…spanking, grounding, time-out chair, taking away electronics, etc. That is your decision to make after spending some time praying over that issue. The scriptures don’t necessarily tell us how to discipline, but that we should and that we must discipline.

So how do we do that?  Here are a couple keys to remember:

(1) Follow through with consistency.

Establish a system that works that gives the same punishment each time.  That way you are not disciplining based on your mood. Disciplining out of anger is dangerous. Be consistent. If a child gets punished one time, but gets away with it the next time, it communicates the message that you aren’t serious when you say ‘no.’

(2) Say what you mean.

Jesus told us to let our yes be yes and our no be no.  Speak exactly what you mean. With discipline, it is critical to be clear. Which means this…be careful what you threaten.  Because to get discipline right, you have to follow through.

My mother-in-law taught me this truth. When one of our kids were little, they were acting up on their birthday, right before their party. I can be fairly quick to threaten…if you do ___, I’ll do ___. I said that day, “If you keep this up, you won’t get any cake.” My mother-in-law overheard me and, while she normally never interferes with stuff like that, she lovingly said, “You probably don’t want to threaten that, because you’ll have to follow through. You don’t want to take away birthday cake on their birthday.” She was right. That wasn’t very smart of me to say.

TS— Discipline is a powerful force that molds and shapes our children. As parents we initiate it as necessary. There is a second internal force for us parents to initiate:

2. EXAMPLE

Of all the forces that can shape a child, this is the most powerful one.  Even more powerful than faith?  As a parental force, yes.  Because even with faith, kids will follow your example.

If you want church to be important to your kids, it needs to be important to you. If you want your kids to love Jesus, you need to love him too. If you want your kids to regularly read their Bible and learn how to pray, then you must do those same things.

As I have read about and studied parenting and researched for these last two sermons for the last few months, this is the scariest statement that we concluded:

“Your children will become what you are.” More often than not, kids follow directly in the footsteps of their parents.

As we get older, don’t we find ourselves saying and doing things our parents said and did. Where did you get your ideas about faith, church, discipline, finances, being a husband or wife?  Most get all that from their parents. This happens in the Bible as well.

In OT, Abraham has a couple instances where, out of fear for his life, he lies and says that his wife is his sister.  It got him into a lot of trouble. Guess who else does that same ridiculous thing?  His son, Isaac. The lineage continues with his son, Jacob, whose name means ‘deceiver.’ 

King David, as great of a man as he was, obviously was tripped up by women, as evidenced by the Bathsheba incident. His son, Solomon, exemplified that same issue with a sexual life that was way out of bounds.

No wonder the Bible tells us multiple times that the sins of the father will pass down multiple generations.  A simple fact for us to remember when it comes to our kids is this: more often than not, kids will become what they know, do what they know.

While there are many positive examples of this, we are much more familiar with the negative: smoking, alcoholism, obesity, abuse, sexual issues. Those are all values that are passed down. The exception to that are those kids who make a hard line break from their parents. Those who do still fight against it regularly. 

We all have examples, don’t we, of our kids becoming like us…or of us becoming like our parents. 

Robert Fulghum – “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

In a 2012 study done among American girls ages 6-9, when given the choice between a “sexualized” doll and a “non-sexualized” doll [pic bratz 1,2,3], to pick their ideal self, girls overwhelmingly chose the sexualized doll. Ironically enough, those are the same dolls that are side by side. Someone just changed the clothes, hair, and makeup.

The study went on to chronicle what made the difference between the girls who chose the different dolls. Surprisingly, media consumption played no factor on which doll the girls chose. There were only two factors that played any significant role in which doll was chosen: “maternal self-objectification and maternal religiosity.” How mom views herself, and how mom’s faith impacts her worldview. The example of the parent always forms a child.

What do we take away from this?

BE WHO YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BECOME.

How you live out your faith… How you navigate the culture around you… How you speak to and about other people…

As a husband or wife…

TS - and once again, we take our parenting cues from God. He does this. He sets the example:

- 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

- 21 For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.

He sets the example to follow.  As loving parents, we do the same.

– 6 Direct your children onto the right path,

    and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Important to note…this is not a promise.  This is a proverb…a wisdom statement. Which means that when you do this, more times than not, your children will end up on the right path. 

Conclusion

God is the perfect Father.  We can mess this up, he doesn’t.  And wherever we may fail as a parent, God is the perfect Father who parents our children far better than we ever could.

Parenting Class - Effective Parenting in a Defective World

Begins November 5, sign up on Hub.

For some, they really struggle with identifying with God because he is called father.  Because their earthly father was messed up.  God is the perfect loving father.

He sets the example of who he wants us to be. He sets limits…out of his love for us. He has forever established his love in Christ.

Believe/Repent/Confess/Baptize

Starting Point Room/Elders down front

Communion