What Draws Others To Me

WHAT DRAWS OTHERS TO ME?

Understanding what people like about you and why

The greatest leaders have it—that special quality which causes people to be drawn to their magnetic personalities. Extraordinary entertainers evidence this something extra. We all have the potential to develop this quality that makes the difference between personality and personality plus. What quality draws others to me? We can summarize it in one word: charisma.

Charisma can be a difficult subject to grapple with because most people think it is a mystical, elusive, undefinable quality that you either have or don’t have. However, Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary has given several definitions to charisma, and this is the one we will use, “A personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm.”

Each one of us has certain abilities that will increase the charisma of our personality. You don’t have to make a strained effort to become something that is not comfortable with your basic nature. However, if your desire is to become a people person, then you need to develop an appealing personality that causes others to respond to you.

When we examine the personalities of some of our United States Presidents, it becomes obvious why some were more successful than others in appealing to the general public. Ronald Reagan possessed the ability to convey humor, personal warmth, and relaxedness. He knew how to make others feel good about themselves. John F. Kennedy knew how to give others a feeling of hope. He exuded boundless energy and made many Americans feel important and needed. Our favorite leaders will always stand out because of the charisma factor.

Using the word CHARISMA as an acrostic, we can define the outstanding characteristics of charismatic people:

Concern

Help

Action

Results

Influence

Sensitivity

Motivation

Affirmation

Keep in mind that these traits are not simply inborn; they are attainable by anyone who cares about other people and wants to develop his or her relational skills. Let’s look at each characteristic in CHARISMA in more depth.

Concern—the Ability to Show You Care

Charismatic people have the ability to show concern for people’s deepest needs and interests. That doesn’t mean charismatic people are mushy or patronizing, but when you are around them, you sense their interest and care and leave them feeling that you are important.

Someone once asked Perle Mesta, the greatest Washington hostess since Dolley Madison, the secret of her success in getting so many rich and famous people to attend her parties. “It’s all in the greetings and good-byes,” she claimed. As each guest arrived she met him or her with “At last you’re here!” As each left she expressed her regrets with, “I’m sorry you have to leave so soon!”

At any gathering you will find two types of people— those who arrive with an attitude of “Here I am!” and those who possess an attitude of “There you are!” It doesn’t take long to notice that people flock to the “There you are!” people.

One of my staff members, Dan Reiland, and I were talking about charisma and why so many people have trouble getting a handle on it. He gave me a simple definition, one which makes “charisma” easy to grasp: Be more concerned about making others feel good about themselves than you are in making them feel good about you. In other words, don’t try to sell other people on you, try to sell them on themselves.

If you need to develop greater concern for others in your life, increase your exposure to hurting people. We see Jesus’ sense of concern in Matthew 9:35-38 (italics added):

And Jesus was going about all the cities and the villages, teaching in their synagogues, and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. And seeing the multitudes, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and downcast like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.

Here’s the sequence: Jesus went, saw, felt, and cared. It’s only when we go and expose ourselves to various situations that we will see enough to develop the concern necessary to move us to action.

It’s difficult to become motivated to help people without first seeing and feeling their needs. The secret is to spend time with them. Only when you go and see will you feel and do.

Help—the Ability to Reach Out

Put simply, charismatic people are helpers. They are out to see others profit; they have the gift of grace. In fact, the Greek word of gift is “charisma” meaning “gift of grace.” God has freely bestowed upon us spiritual gifts because of His grace toward us.

In Romans 12:6 we read about this further, “And since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let each exercise them accordingly.” And we see in Ephesians 4:11-12, “He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ.”

Notice in both references the emphasis on the variety of gifts and their purpose in the kingdom. It is always for other people, never for self. There is no charisma in seclusion. You can’t walk into a room and have charisma by yourself!

People have problems. Many are like the beleaguered guy who, in desperation, went to a psychiatrist for help. He told the doctor, “Every time I get my act together, the curtain falls down.” He needed more than mercy and concern; he needed help. You will find that if you are adept at solving problems, that will guarantee you a following forever.

My favorite cartoon character, Charlie Brown, displayed an attitude with which many of us can identify. He and Linus were talking about their problems. Linus said, “I guess it’s wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.”

Charlie Brown replied, “No, that’s giving up. I’m still hoping that yesterday will get better.”

What can you do to help people with their problems? First of all, encourage them to face their problems. Too often people would rather flee them, fight them, or forget them.

Second, encourage them to solve their problems. Use the following acrostic to teach yourself to help people with difficulties.

T Tell them it takes time.

E Expose yourself to their problems in order to relate to them.

A Assure them of your confidence in them.

C Creatively show them how to deal with their problems.

H Offer hope to them through the process.

I love this old story about creative problem-solving. Mr. Myrick had to go to Chicago on business and persuaded his brother to take care of his cat during his absence. Mr. Myrick’s brother was not a cat-lover, but he agreed to do it as a favor. When Mr. Myrick returned from his trip he called his brother from the airport to inform him of his arrival and to check on his cat. The brother reported in a matter-of-fact tone,

“Your cat died,” and he hung up.

For days Myrick was inconsolable. Then his sadness turned to anger at his brother for being so brutally honest and insensitive. He phoned his brother. “It was needlessly cruel and sadistic of you to tell me that bluntly that my poor cat had passed away.”

“What did you expect me to do?” demanded the brother. “You could have broken the bad news gradually,” grum­bled Myrick. “First you could have said the cat was playing on the roof. Later you could have called to say he fell off. The next morning you could have reported he had broken his leg. Then, when I came to pick him up, you could have told me he passed away during the night. Well, it’s just not your style to be civilized. Now tell me-how’s Mama?”

After a long pause, a meek voice on the other end re­plied, “She’s playing on the roof.”

Myrick’s insensitive brother had learned that there should be a process to problem-solving.

Action—the Ability to Make Things Happen

Something exciting always seems to be happening around a person with charisma. The charismatic person has an aversion to being boring. He or she may be controversial unusual, or entertaining, but never boring.

Be honest with yourself and evaluate how you come across to others. A young fellow in a dry church service turned to his mother and said, “Pay the man and let’s go home!” That preacher obviously lacked charisma.

When evangelist John Wesley was asked why people seemed to be drawn to him, he answered, “Well, you see, when you set yourself on fire, people just love to come and see you burn.”

Do you want to increase your interest with other people? Develop your creativity and your confidence.

Creativity is the ability to say things in an unusual way; confidence is the ability to do things in an unusual way. Charismatic people can do both. Develop these two traits and people will stand up and take notice.

As a speaker and pastor, I always want to be fresh and exciting in my presentation. I will use humor to drive home a point but never to distract from the truth. Long after the content of the message is forgotten people will remember the creative illustration and the truth that was emphasized.

Results—the Ability to Produce

Charismatic people want to be on the winning side of life. People like being around winners and want to play on the winning team. A boy playing chess with his grandfather says, “Oh, no! Not again! Grandpa, you always win!”

Grandpa says, “What do you want me to do, lose on purpose? You won’t learn anything if I do that!” But the boy replies, “I don’t wanna learn anything. I just wanna win!”

Charismatic people not only want to win, they want others to win too. That creates productivity.

How does a person become productive? Find your strength and then find someone who needs your strength. Charismatic people use their strengths to help other people feel good about themselves; they are other-centered. The person who is self-centered uses his strength to dominate others.

Influence—the Ability to Lead

Leadership is influence. If something new, exciting, and interesting is happening in your life, you will want to share it. In doing so, you will influence others and they will want to follow your lead. What happens to you speaks of your circumstances. What happens in you speaks of your character. And what happens through you speaks of your charisma.

Do you want to learn how to be a positive influence on others? Five factors come into play:

§ Who I am—my position or title.

§ Where I am—my location or job.

§ Who I know—my sphere of influence. People open doors of opportunity.

§ What I know—my expertise. This will keep you in a position long after who you know wears off.

§ What I do—my production, character, credibility.

Sensitivity—the Ability to Feel and Respond

Charismatic people have the ability to be sensitive to changing situations. They are adept at taking advantage of the mood, feeling, and spirit of any situation. Most people have the ability to feel something, but they aren’t sure how to react to it or express it. Charismatic people not only feel it, but they know how to react and express it.

Charismatic people find a cause; that’s discernment. They also voice a concern; that’s courage. And they draw a crowd; that’s automatic.

In the late 1960s or early 1970s I watched a television documentary on George Wallace. At the time, he was a prominent figure in American politics, perhaps because of his “redneck” philosophy over the civil rights issue. No one doubted where he stood as he proclaimed, “Segregation yesterday, segregation today, and segregation forever!” It was a perfect example of a charismatic leader playing to what that crowd wanted to hear. He was masterful at tak­ing advantage of the prevailing mood. Because he was able to forcefully express the feelings of a certain segment of society, he became the champion of their cause.

If you are to become more sensitive, you must be willing to take a risk. Take the initiative to find a need and take action. People who are overly sensitive to the point that their feelings are always hurt will withdraw from others and never take a risk.

But the charismatic person will risk getting out of his comfort zone in order to make others feel comfortable.

Motivation—the Ability to Give Hope

The secret of motivating others is providing them with hope. People tend to feel more positive when they are following charismatic leaders. Let’s take a look at some Bible people who offered hope:

§ Isaiah, speaking of God, said, “I will do something new” (Isa. 43:19).

§ Jeremiah talked about”... new law in their hearts” (see Jer. 31:33).

§ Jesus spoke about being born again (John 3:3).

§ Paul called a Christian a “new creation” (2 Cor. 5:17).

§ John’s vision recorded in Revelation spoke of “a new heaven and a new earth (Rev. 21:1).

Each of these dynamic leaders constantly waved hope before their people.

Do you convey hope or despair to those around you? Learn affirmation skills, problem-solving techniques, ways to verbally encourage others, and convey belief and support in others.

Affirmation—the Ability to Build Up

Charles Schwab, the successful businessman, said, “I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” Everyone wants and needs to be affirmed for his accomplishments. A little boy playing darts with his father said, “Let’s play darts. I’ll throw and you say, ‘Wonderful!”’ That’s what the charismatic person does for others.

We tend to become what the most important person in our life thinks we will become. Think the best, believe the best, and express the best in others. Your affirmation will not only make you more attractive to them, but you will help play an important part in their personal development. How do we affirm others? First we need to feel good about ourselves. Then we can verbally and actively believe in others and expect them to respond positively. People are our only appreciable asset. As Christians, we cannot afford to not affirm them. If I fail to affirm a brother, we both lose.

Roadblocks to Charisma

Again, charisma is a trait or quality in our life that can be developed. It is not reserved for those who are extroverts and enjoy being in front of others. The potential to be charismatic lies within each of us, but first we must remove hindrances from the development of this important personality characteristic. What are some possible obstructions?

§ Pride. A prideful person will have a tendency to look down on other people, feeling a sense of superiority. People will not follow or identify with a snobbish personality who is conscious of status and position.

§ Insecurity. Insecure people are not willing to take a risk. They prefer to remain comfortable and probably, unexciting.

§ Moodiness. This is an immature quality which is detrimental to personal relationships. Moody people are fickle and, thus, people who cannot be depended upon. Confidence is never built on a person who is subject to sullenness.

§ Perfectionism. Perfectionism is an obsessive need to perform flawlessly. It stifles creativity and freedom and it turns people away. Perfectionists can rarely affirm themselves; therefore, it’s very difficult for them to affirm others.

§ Over-sensitivity. Oversensitive people are constantly licking their wounds. They look inward and are not aware of the needs of others. Naturally, people don’t flock around them.

§ Negativism. By definition, negativism is the opposite of charisma. A person with a constant negative attitude is depressing to be around. Their personality says no to life in general. Others will avoid a person like that. There is no possibility of being a charismatic leader when no one wants to be around you.

Charisma begins at the cross of Jesus Christ. Let’s take a look at Philippians 2:3-11 where we see Paul using the humility of Christ Himself as our pursuit.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

There is no question that Jesus was and is highly exalted. But it began with the deepest of humility. Remember: Cha­risma is being more concerned about making others feel good about themselves than you are in making them feel good about you!