Christ and Family

1 Corinthians 13:4–8 ESV

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

This is the definition of Love. God is Love, so it also describes God’s character very well. You can read this passage and understand it as a description of God’s perfect love for us.

But we’re going to look at it from the angle of us looking more and more like what this passage describes. Is anybody intimidated yet? This is a tall order and it seems so impossible.

I want to focus on the emotions, will, and the mind, in that order, and how it is possible to walk more and more in the reality of this passage. Are we looking for perfection? No. Can you reach perfection? Maybe, but the goal really is looking more like Jesus. I want to help us with renewing our hope in the working power of the gospel, particularly, as it applies to family relationships. We want to look at these relationships with a hopefulness and faith. The frame of mind is: it is possible to love, so we’re going to keep moving forward.

The Problem

I think one of the main reasons why it’s so difficult to become these things is that we tend to connect LOVE to an emotion, or we see LOVE as a mere emotion. So, every time our emotions go out of wack, which can happen for any number of reasons, it seems like we’re back to square one.

Here’s what happens to me: I get a moment in time where there is nothingness. I know the right thing to do, but I don’t do it. I mean, anything is better than scrolling through videos on Facebook. How about praying a bit, or just setting my mind on the things of God? Not this guy. As I’m wasting my time, I start feeling guilty and this feeling just builds. By the time the kids ask me to help with something, I am immediately irritated. I snap at them and then disappointment piles on. The devil knows he’s about to throw a party with my emotional state. This is perfect breeding ground for condemnation because I remember how I prayed that God would help me be more patient with my kids. Square one.

In moments like that I feel so far removed from the new creation that God talks about. I don’t feel saved and I don’t feel righteous. It feels like Jesus and I need to start all over again. Only now the issue is compounded because I start thinking of all the good things I could’ve done with that time, like writing an awesome sermon. Sometimes, emotions can be so much in your face that the mandate to love like Jesus seem impossible.

2 Corinthians 3:18 ESV

18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Beholding the glory of the Lord and being transformed into the same image is no small feat. I think that’s why Paul mentions here to take it a step at a time. The verse right before that says...

2 Corinthians 3:17 ESV

17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

I mean, that is a clear destination: “Where the Spirit of the Lord is”, that’s where we’re headed, and it’s a place of freedom.

My goal today is for you to read verses like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and it not seem so unreachable.

Can you be patient? Can you be kind? Can you see yourself not insisting on your own way? Is it possible to not rejoice at wrongdoing? Can your love be…never-ending? Imagine that. And again, we’re not looking for perfection, but we want to move our relationships from the HOPELESS column to the HOPEFUL column. That kind of thinking stimulates growth.

The Solution

In my teens Don Francisco had a song, “Love is not a feeling”. The rest of it goes “it’s an act of your will”. That song still jumps into my head when I think about love. Now, I’m sure God didn’t mean for all of us to walk around without emotions, and we’re just plowing forward out of shear will. God created emotions and emotions are good…and all the feelers sigh with relief. However, I think that putting emotions in it’s place will help us discern the true nature of love.

Luke 22:41–44 ESV

41 And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. 44 And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Jesus demonstrates love so perfectly in the Garden of Gethsemane. Here, Jesus is begging for his life. He was at such a point of anguish that angels had to come and strengthen him, and his sweat even became like great drops of blood. Led by emotions, Jesus would have been “I’m out”. We’re saying that love is an act of your will, and that’s Level 2. But Jesus took it to Level 3 where he said "not my will, but yours, be done”. He is submitting to the Father. That didn’t just happen spontaneously, he needed a renewed will to do that. You guys agree?

So, I think it’s super important, at this point, to figure out what you want. Love or hate, as emotions, is more a side-effect of what you want. If you want good, you’ll show love. If you want bad, you’ll show hate. Let me illustrate.

Some couples have issues with each other’s driving. For the most part, they might not be happy with it, but they manage by just shoving it under the rug. That is not Kendra and me. There is intense, and then there’s Kendra and myself. And just so everybody knows, today, I fully realize that what I wanted did not line up with the Word.

Imagine a whole lot of anxiety driving with a speed demon. That’s us in a car. I’m driving as fast as I want, not really stopping at the STOP sign. Just, I want to get there. So many times she had a simple request, “can you please drive slower?”. My response, “No, I want to drive the way I want to drive”. Oh the arrogance! Sometimes I’d follow up with a rude backhand comment so she knows whose in charge. Her experience is that her life is in danger and I was just sitting there and insisting on my own way. I hope you guys can see how unloving that is.

Here’s another example. Money means different things to different people. For Kendra, it is a way to be generous and just bless the world around her. Now, for me, we didn’t have a lot of money growing up, so for me it meant security and safety. And my personality type loves security and safety. We would have enormous fights when it came to spending money on things that I don’t think was absolutely necessary. My approach to these discussions was to break her down psychologically until she gave up on bringing her desires to me. That is us without Jesus. That is us before the Gospel change.

So I have to understand love from a WILL perspective by asking:

Do I want to be patient and kind? Do I want to be arrogant or rude?

Do I want to drive the way I drive or handle the finances the way I want to?

Or do I have a deep desire to insist on Kendra’s way?

Do you have a deep desire to insist on your spouse’s way?

Sometimes my thinking is: I deserve to be irritated and resentful right now. I find a sick type of contentment in that conclusion. And Holy Spirit is faithful to show me that I am making unforgiveness a source of joy. Getting even with Kendra is making unforgiveness a source of joy.

To deny a simple request, like “can you please drive slower?”, for me, came down to not allowing her to influence me. Deep down I wanted to be rude and arrogant.

So, we really have a WILL problem.

We talked about emotions and will, and before we talk about the mind, I want to read from Galatians 5:16-25 to give us hope for our current sinful mindset.

Galatians 5:16–25 ESV

16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.

Verse 16: here’s an instruction and a promise. It’s one of those verses that you might dismiss outright. We reason that it’s impossible to walk by the Spirit, so subconsciously, I believe, we justify gratifying the desires of the flesh. Because it seems more possible - I am only human after all. What is this walk by the Spirit business you talk of? Nevertheless, he says it so it must be possible.

Verse 17: seems factually correct and makes sense. We understand that there’s the flesh and the Spirit, each has desires and they are opposed to one another. Great! No new information there. But it is the last part of this verse that causes a spike in the consciousness: “to keep you from doing the things you want to do”. It is the desires of the Spirit that will keep you from doing the desires of the flesh. How do we do this? Verse 18 answers the question.

Verse 18: we are led by the Spirit.

Verse 22: the first fruit of the Spirit is love. For who? Us…the ones led by the Spirit. How did that fruit get there? It was put there by the Spirit. This should make you excited. You already have the ability to love like Jesus.

Verse 24: if you have made the decision to put off the old self and put on the new self, this verse applies to you. Sin is described here as “your flesh with its passions and desires”. Jesus took your sin and he crucified it - it doesn’t have the power to judge you anymore. There’s more good news, let’s press on.

Verse 25: to keep in step with the Spirit. Do you dismiss it because it starts with “if we live by the Spirit”? Do you feel disqualified? If you have made the decision to put off the old self and put on the new self, you qualify. “Let us also keep in step with the Spirit” - one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible. What picture does that create in your mind? The picture that comes to my mind is a three-legged race. You and the Holy Spirit, each with a foot in the bag. I don’t want to take a step if he doesn’t.

Romans 8:12–14 ESV

12 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

In this verse, the concept of being led by the Spirit is synonomous with putting to death the deeds of the body.

So, let me summarize the state of our being as believers, let’s read together:

We are led by Holy Spirit

We desire the things of the Spirit

We have the fruit of the Spirit

We keep in step with Holy Spirit

We might not experience these in their fullness everyday, but it’s at least possible by faith. There’s no reason for a believer to not grow in this.

The Application

As we look back on our personal lives and family lives, we see a mix of Spirit and flesh manifested. We do good things and we do bad things. We make amazing decisions and then we also make decisions that impact everything in horrific ways.

Why don’t we just love all the time?

Seeing that love is an act of the will, we have to decide to change what we really want. Let’s say we want all the right stuff. Theoretically, that should also keep our emotions in check if we learn that skill.

Seeing that we are believers led by Holy Spirit and keeping in step with the Holy Spirit, it is possible to love all the time. There’s nothing that still needs to be done. We’re not waiting for another Holy Spirit and Jesus did a complete work on the Cross.

So, what’s the holdup?

Romans 12:1–2 ESV

1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Wow, it might seem like a very anti-climactic finding, since this is what we’ve been trying to do since we said “yes” to Jesus. But the renewal of the mind is so profound and an incredible mystery, to say the least. It also explains a lot. It explains why I am impatient with my kids. It explains why I am arrogant and rude toward my wife, even though I’m a believer led by the Holy Spirit.

How does this renewal work?

Verse 1: we can present our bodies as a living sacrifice only by God’s mercy. It is an action on our part that is empowered purely by God. This involves giving things up. I think of it as a process of emptying yourself of yourself.

Verse 2: we discern God’s will by testing. As we spend time with the Holy Spirit, his voice gets louder, we hear better and we discern better. This is a process of filling yourself up with God.

It’s almost like putting off old things and putting on new things. It’s like Karate kid all over again. These are lifelong endeavours; keep pressing forward, don’t give up on yourself or your spouse.

Here are some things that we can do to make the journey easier:

Be vulnerable before God about the content of our minds. God pulls the veil back and reveals our thinking for the purpose of sacrifice.

Ask the Holy Spirit for the same power that raised Jesus from the dead to change our minds because we need more than a psychological exercise. Knock and the door will be opened.

Be absolutely ruthless with things that we know need changing - that’s the least painful way. For best results, we must bend to accept God’s truth as quick as possible.

Clean up our mess. Confess sins and ask forgiveness once God has worked it in you.

The Conclusion

We all can come up with examples of messing up. You may not have loved like these verses described. You may have let your emotions run your life, hurting others along the way. Maybe you are struggling with getting your will to step in line with the Word. Or maybe you just don’t experience the Holy Spirit like you think you should. It doesn’t matter where the blockage is, God knew that you were going to struggle with that before the day you were born. God knew the challenges that you and your spouse will be facing.

The gospel is so beautiful. It is good news because God had a plan before the foundations of the world. Before you reached this moment in time, God decided to send his Son to die on the cross so that all things can become possible. Restoration in relationships are possible. Growth in relationships are possible. It is possible to change your mind, will, and emotions, to look more like Jesus because that is exactly why he was raised from the dead.

Ephesians 2:1 (ESV)

1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind. 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.

Let’s pray.

Prayer: we invoke the power of the name of Jesus over our families. In the name of Jesus we will see restoration and growth. In the name of Jesus all things are possible. Amen.