Say What You Mean

The goal of communication is different for men and women.

This is important to know in marriage, parenting, and friendship.

Men communicate to give and receive information.

Export and import.

Women communicate to connect.

This is where the problems start.

Men, this is why she will sometimes share information that seems pointless to you.

It isn’t about the information!

Women, this is why he seems frustrated. He doesn’t understand why you need to tell him about Susan’s aunt when he asked you what Joe does for a living!

The point is this.

Every one of us has room to grow in the area of communication.

Examples of difficulties in communication abound.

Let me give you a classic example from Scripture.

Go to John 2:1-5.

John 2:1-5

Mary comes to Jesus. “They don’t have anymore wine.”

Jesus “My time hasn’t come yet.”

Mary speaks cryptically and Jesus answers the actual issue.

This brings us to our first rule of communication.

Say What You Mean – Matthew 4:18-22

Matthew 4:18–22 NKJV

18 And Jesus, walking by the Sea of Galilee, saw two brothers, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. 19 Then He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” 20 They immediately left their nets and followed Him. 21 Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets. He called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father, and followed Him.

Go get milk.

That’s what she said.

What she means is go get THE milk.

You know, the one we ALWAYS get.

But… That’s not what she said.

He goes to the store and gets the first milk he sees.

The problem is, it’s not THE milk they ALWAYS get.

It also happens to be the milk his mom always gets.

You know where this is going.

Tempting to think she is in the wrong. If she would have said, he would have gotten it.

However, he could also ask.

Observe what Jesus did

In the passage we just read, Jesus does 3 things.

Set expectations

– When we communicate well, when we say what we mean, it sets expectations.

Look at what Jesus does here.

1 - Follow me. This is about direction. They will go where He goes.

2 - Fish for men. This is about purpose. They will reach out to men.

Jesus communicates to them His expectations.

They know exactly what He wants of them!

He wants them to follow and fish.

A lot of damage is done to relationships when we have uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations.

For example:

Mind reading

He should just know what I want.

If he loved me, he would know.

We cannot read minds.

Contrary to popular opinion, we men do this too.

I’m going to the store.

What we mean is, if there is something you want or need, now is the time to tell me.

Women can’t read minds either.

Parents - Don’t stay out too late.

This is quite possibly the most anxiety inducing phrase you could possibly utter.

Your child has no idea what this means.

If you have a time in mind, say it.

If you don’t, say come home whenever you want.

Say what you mean.

Don’t get mad if they come home later than the arbitrary time you had.

Parents - Define the relationship.

With adult children clearly communicate.

If you want them to reach out weekly, tell them.

But remember they are adults, and they don’t have to.

Chances are, you have more time than they do.

If you want to hear from them, call them.

Set expectations.

They need to know what you want, don’t leave them guessing.

However, because they are adults, leave them the freedom to be their own family.

Holidays – The visitor who won’t leave.

If have a time you want people to leave, say it.

Lead off with this!

People cannot stay past their welcome if you give them a time to leave.

When the time arrives, tell them it’s time to go. you have already set the expectations.

Friendships - Needy vs. Unconcerned

There is a term in use nowadays, ghosting.

Ghosting is when you just don’t call or respond to someone, you act like they are a ghost.

Mature adults don’t ghost.

We communicate.

If someone is overly needy and you don’t have time for them, kindly and clearly communicate that.

If someone never reaches out to you, and you feel like they don’t care, talk to them about it.

Uncommunicated expectations always lead to frustration.

Establish responsibility

– Jesus is leading, they are following. Jesus is going to make them fishers of men.

Jesus is in charge of their direction and their training.

The disciples are responsible to follow Him and to learn from Him.

They know what He is going to do and what they are responsible for.

When we do not know our responsibility we will always fail to meet it.

Examples:

Clean your room

If you want your kid to clean their room. Tell them that.

Don’t hint, don’t suggest, communicate.

With that comes a second important issue in parenting.

Be clear on consequences.

Because you have chosen to do X, Y is the result.

Don’t alter the consequences to make life easier for yourself.

In our passage what were the disciples responsible for?

The disciples need to follow and learn.

Be clear on what you are going to do and what you expect them to do.

This goes for every relationship.

Example:

Household duties

This is really important in the marriage relationship.

This is also something that will change over time.

Early on in our marriage, Jess made all the meals.

As morning have gotten more hectic in our family, I have taken over breakfast.

We communicate about it!

I do dishes in the evening while Jess gets the kids ready for bed.

Husbands and wives are a team.

You both live in the house, you should both take care of it.

There is no place in Scripture where either the husband or wife gets to come home and do nothing simply because they have worked that day.

Our kids are part of this.

They have chores, they know what they are.

They know the consequences of not doing them.

This changes with adult children.

While you are still their parent, you are no longer their authority.

Stop trying to be.

However, if they are coming to a dinner and you want them to bring something, tell them.

If they want to move back home, establish responsibility.

Responsibility can only be embraced if it is communicated.

Present the purpose

- They followed Jesus because He promised them a purpose.

I will make you fishers of men.

They drop everything.

Why? Because we crave purpose.

If our purpose and goal in friendship, marriage, and parenting is selfish, we will never be fulfilled.

No one can ever give enough or do enough to make us happy!

Our satisfaction and fulfillment must be found in Christ!

This is the “because.” Why does something need to be done?

We cannot say what we mean apart from purpose.

This requires that we know the purpose.

Why do you have the expectation you do?

In marriage, why do you expect what you are expecting?

In parenting.

In friendship.

In the church.

We must identify the purpose behind our expectations.

Once we have done that, once we know what lies behind our expectations, we have a very important question to answer.

Is my expectation Biblical?

If not, it cannot be a hill we die on.

Here’s what I mean.

I expect my adult children to contact me on a weekly basis.

That is a nice sentiment, it is not Biblical and it is not always practical.

What’s behind that?

What’s the purpose?

I want to know what is going on and feel needed and wanted by them.

I expect my husband to love 3 hour conversations face to face.

That’s not Biblical.

What’s behind it?

She wants to feel seen and heard by the most important person in her life!

Husbands, your wife needs face to face interaction.

Peter tells us to dwell with our wives according to knowledge, so give her what she needs.

Wives, stay on track and respect his time.

I expect my wife to have sex with me anytime I want.

That is not Biblical.

What’s behind it?

A need for intimacy, closeness, and connection.

Sex is not a need.

However, Scripture does say that it should be part of the normal marriage experience.

Balance is the key.

I expect my children to never question me.

Is that Biblical?

Do we question God?

Behind this expectation is a fear of being wrong and inadequate.

We need to learn to let that go.

I expect my friends to listen to all my problems and never tell me theirs.

That’s not Biblical!

Behind this expectation is selfishness.

Selfishness is sin!

We are to bear one another’s burdens.

The purpose behind our expectation must be Biblical.

Then we can communicate it to those we are in relationship with.

When a purpose is Biblical, we can all support it.

We need to have a clear Biblical purpose in our friendships, parenting, and marriages.

An unbiblical purpose must be submitted to Christ.

Copy what Jesus did

Write down what you are going to do about this.

To be someone who says what I mean, what changes do I need to make?