2022-02-06 The Maturity Question

The Maturity Question

Curfews… do you remember those?

It’s Friday night. You are at her place. and the end of the date is divided into “Five more minutes.” I can stay 5 more minutes. And five minutes later… I can stay 5 more minutes. All until, “Nuts, I gotta be home in 5 minutes. And I live 15 minutes away.” Then Mario Andretti had some real competition. And there was that one lady who lived along the route home who would always tell my parents if I drove past her house too loudly, so I turned the car off and coasted past her house in neutral. JK. (My mom is watching, and I know it.)

There is an adult version of this as well. Whether it’s one more drink, or one more bite, or one more business trip, or one more pair of shoes, or one more swipe of the card, the outcome is usually the same.

One more rarely adds anything.

It usually subtracts.

One more often results in less of what we value most, which makes no sense, but it doesn’t stop us.

The point?

Whether it’s curfew, diet, driving, or spending…

1. Our natural inclination is to live as close to the line as possible.

What line? The line between legal and illegal. The line between responsible and irresponsible. The line between ethical and unethical. The line between “I’m still in control” and “I need help.”

This all comes from a book by Andy Stanley called “Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets.” Andy says that we’re asking the wrong question here.

You see fueling our incessant flirtation with disaster is an unexamined assumption that informs decision-making. Unexamined assumptions are dangerous. We all have "em. An assumption anchored to reality is helpful. In all likelihood the sun will rise tomorrow, so you should set your alarm. But an assumption anchored to nothing other than our personal experiences is not only unhelpful, it can be dangerous. This is why it's important to bring all our assumptions into the light of day. Doing so removes the sharp edges from our opinions. It reduces prejudice. It expands the frontiers of our compassion and empathy. Eradicating false assumptions from our conscious and subconscious makes us better.

Specifically, it makes us better decision-makers. It makes us better decision-makers because we aren't misled by erroneous assumptions.

So what is this unexamined assumption that makes comfortable living, dating, spending, eating, drinking, driving, and flirting so close to the edge of embarrassment or worse? For the sake of clarity and emphasis, I'll state this unexamined and oh-so-flawed assumption four ways:

4 Wrong Assumptions

-If it's not wrong, it's alright.

-If it's not illegal, it's permissible

-If it's not immoral, it's acceptable.

-If it's not over the line, it's fine.

If the problem with those sorts of assumptions is not immediately apparent, just put on your older brother or sister hat for a moment. If you're a parent, put on your parent hat. I bet you don't set the bar that low for your kids. This is tantamount to organizing our lives around the lowest common denominator.

Essentially we're asking, How low can I go? How close can I get to bad without being bad? How close can I get to wrong without doing something wrong?

Or if you're religious, how close can I get to sin without actually sinning?

Yikes, there's something to shoot for.

But it doesn't stop there.

Before long we're asking, how far over the line can I go without getting caught or experiencing consequences? How unethical, immoral, or insensitive can I be without creating unmanageable outcomes? How long can I neglect my family, my finances, or my health without feeling the effects? How much can I indulge an addictive behavior without actually becoming addicted? It's slippery, sinister slope.

2. Wrong Questions

And it all begins by asking the wrong question:

Is there anything wrong with this?

This is a question that often leads to a second question:

How did I get myself into this?

Here's another angle.

Why do good parents tell their children to be careful?

Why don't we say things like: "Drive as fast as the law allows!" "Drink your limit!" "Go as far as you can without getting slapped!" "Don't come home until curfew."

What do we mean by careful?

We mean use caution. Be aware of your surroundings. Don't take unnecessary risks. Don't jeopardize your safety or the safety of others. Essentially what we're saying is don't dangle your toes off the edge of illegal, immoral, unsafe, or unhealthy.

That's good advice. For everybody.

You might have avoided your greatest non-childhood regret if you had embraced that posture. You'll certainly avoid regret in the future if you do.

One more.

Why do we panic?

Why do we react immediately when we see a toddler playing at the edge of a swimming pool? They aren't drowning. They aren't even wet. So let me ask you… Why do we panic?

We panic because we know that one small step in the wrong direction could result in tragedy. We panic because there is virtually no margin for error. When we attempt to warn a teenager standing on the brink of tragedy, they say what we say: "I'm fine. I'm not doing anything wrong." And they're right. But we don't rush to the aid of toddlers and we don't speak to the precarious circumstances of teenagers because they're doing anything wrong.

Nobody is doing anything wrong until they are.

Drawing our lines, setting our limits, establishing our moral and ethical standards on the borderline between right and wrong, legal and illegal, healthy and unhealthy eliminates any margin for error.

It's a foolish and dangerous way to live. You're dry and safe and then you're drowning. You're sober and then you're not.

This explains why we respond the way we do when someone we love is snuggling up to that elusive line. We react not to what they are doing but to the direction they are heading. We seemingly overreact because the margin of error is such that one wrong move could spell disaster or regret.

In those moments, the issue is not right or wrong, legal or illegal, moral or immoral. There's something else in play. Something that remains virtually invisible to us when it pertains to us. But something as apparent as the nose on our face when it comes to our children, a niece or nephew, or perhaps the child of a close friend.

What is that something? Wisdom.

An option can be both not wrong and unwise at the same time. And that brings us to our fourth question. The maturity question.

Question #4: The Maturity Question

What is the wise thing to do?

To avoid the five-more-minutes syndrome . . . to create moral, ethical, and financial margin ... ask of every invitation, opportunity, and option: What is the wise thing for me to do?

Here's something I know about you.

Your greatest regret.

And I'm talking about that moment of regret.

The moment you would give anything to go back and relive or undo. The tipping point. The point of no return.

Your greatest regret was preceded by a series of unwise decisions. They weren't wrong. They weren't illegal or immoral. But looking back, they were terribly unwise. And it was that series of unwise decisions that paved the way to the moment in time you've regretted ever since.

Right?

How did I know?

Because there isn't a "Thou shalt not" attached to it doesn't necessarily mean "Thou shalt." It's foolish to live on the border of what's permissible, legal, acceptable, on the border of what’s NOT prosecutable.

Our first three questions were anchored to ancient wisdom and, as it turns out, our fourth question is as well. The apostle Paul, in a letter to Christians living in Ephesus, writes:

Ephesians 5:15–16 (NIV)

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Two things stand out about Paul's instructions. First, how relevant his two-thousand-year-old advice is today. Some things never change. Human nature never changes. Ancient folks were as prone as we moderns to snuggle up to disaster and stay there as long as possible. But perhaps the most remarkable thing about Paul's instruction is what he doesn't say. Paul was a Pharisee. He had known and taught the Jewish Torah his entire adult life. Once he became a Jesus follower, his perspective of the Jewish law changed.

But he didn't abandon the moral, ethical, or relational guidelines he was raised with. As a Jesus follower, Paul was well aware that Jesus had actually raised the bar rather than lowered it.

In fact, Paul writes in further in this passage in v. 16-18 that we as Christians are to address three areas of our life.

Look

in Verse 16. he says that we are to make the most of every opportunity. That is talking about TIME.

Ephesians 5:17–18 (NIV)

Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,

Secondly in v. 17 he talks about understanding GOD’S WILL. God’s will deals primarily with morality.

Thirdly in v. 18 he writes something unique in the New Testament: speaking not about WHAT believers are to be filled with, but about WHOM they are to be filled by - aka “be filled with the Spirit.”

This is what makes his instructions to Ephesian Christians a bit surprising. We would expect Paul to anchor his readers' decision-making to something more specific and concrete than wisdom. But he doesn't. And he tells us why.

And this is important.

He was aware of what each of us has already discovered.

3. The point of regret is always preceded by a series of unwise decisions.

With that in mind ... with that in the background of his own life he says:

Be very careful how you live.

To state it in the negative, Don't be careless how you live. Then he leverages our word:

Not as unwise, but as wise.

With those six words, Paul discloses the criterion by which he and we are to weigh our options. This is the grid through which we are to evaluate every invitation and opportunity. This is the standard. the yardstick by which we are to assess our financial, relational, and professional decisions. And thus our question:

What is the wise thing to do?

4. Asleep at the wheel

“Every day we interface with a culture that encourages us in the most provocative ways imaginable to satisfy appetites that can never be fully and finally satisfied. Long gone are the days when you had to go looking for trouble. Trouble is always just a click away. Right? Again, Paul’s words are so relevant. We can’t afford to be careless. We don’t live in a morally neutral environment. It’s not safe out there. Most Americans are overweight and over-leveraged. We eat too much and spend too much. American men spend billions of dollars . . . billions . . . every year looking at pictures of women on their computer screens. That’s as amazing as it is embarrassing.

Like the Ephesians in Paul’s day, we live in morally and ethically perilous times. The days are evil. If we don’t pay attention, if we aren’t careful, we will end up paying a price for our carelessness. If we aren’t intentionally cautious, we may end up unintentionally corralled by a vice we’ve always condemned. If we don’t filter our choices through this powerful question, we will more than likely find ourselves face-to-face with consequences that could have been, and should have been, avoided.

To state it plainly . . .

Our world is a bit like the beautifully manicured grass outside my neighbor’s kitchen door where they let their dog out to do her business every morning and evening. If you’re not careful how you walk, you’ll step in it. Worse, you’ll bring it into the house!

5. Common Sense

Asking our question “What is the wise thing to do?” requires that we do so with the future in mind. Because if we do that, it will help us to see what shades of gray have been hiding them. Our best option or options become clear. Painfully clear. So clear we are tempted to look away, to retreat to the excuses with which we've buttressed our less-than-wise decisions for years:

I'm not doing anything wrong.

People do this all the time.

I'm not hurting anyone.

I can handle it.

There's no law against it.

God will forgive me.

Our excuses are persuasive because they're mostly true. You aren't doing anything wrong. It is commonplace. You can handle it, initially. It isn't illegal. God will forgive you.

But so what?

That's all beside the point, right?

The purpose of our question isn't to stop you from doing something wrong. It's to keep you from doing something unwise.

Unwise is the gateway to regret. It paves the way to the tipping point -the point of no return.

Wisdom reduces the likelihood that you'll need a rewind button. So let's put away our old worn-out excuses once and for all, shall we? They've never served you well. The only purpose they've served is to silence your conscience, cloud your reasoning, and diminish your ability to hear the voices of wisdom around you. Your excuses have escorted you to the threshold of regret over and over. They've left you with secrets that you hope the people you care most about never discover. They've left you with stories you'll never share. They've introduced you to shame, memories you can't erase, and seasons you can't forget. Your excuses have facilitated the demise of your hopes and dreams. They are not your friends.

So decide .

Decision #4: The Maturity Decision

I will do the wise thing.

6. Brass Tax

In light of where you want to be financially in ten years, what's the wise thing to do now? What do you need to start or stop doing financially? What habit or habits do you need to break? If you've given little to no thought about where you want to be financially ten years from now, that's part of the problem. Set three high-level, general goals. Put 'em somewhere you can look at them every day. They will inform your conscience and serve as guardrails to your spending and use of debt. Most importantly, they will serve as context for all your financial decisions. Face it, you are going to be somewhere financially five or ten years from now. Shouldn't you decide? If you don't decide, retailers and lenders who care nothing about you will decide for you.

What is true for your financial future is also true for your relational, professional, and academic future. Where do you want to be? Decide. Write it down. If you're single, in light of what you ultimately want relationally / romantically / what is the wisest way to conduct your relationships now? What are you doing now that has the potential to rob you of your preferred future relationally? What can you do to set yourself up for success later? Decide and live accordingly.

If you're married and plan to go the distance with your spouse, finish together . enjoy grandchildren together, what can you do now to facilitate that dream? What puts that dream at risk? What precautions need to be taken? What's the wise thing to do as it relates to protecting your marriage?

Got kids?

What do you envision for your relationship with your children when they're teenagers or in college or married with children of their own? What is the wise thing to do now to protect that dream?

What practices would you be wise to incorporate now into your parenting repertoire? Where do you need to reprioritize? What do you need to say no to? Not because it's wrong or bad, but because it's interfering with where you want to be?

Is it that you don’t have enough time to think about what would be wise?

Because if you never stop long enough to decide ahead of time where you want to be, you will live your life unaware of the sacrifices necessary to get there.

Everybody ends up somewhere in life. I recommend you end up somewhere on purpose.

Wisdom paves the way.

7. The Challenge

What is the wise thing to do?

Don't settle for good, legal, permissible, acceptable, tolerable, not prosecutable, or normal. If you do, you will eventually find yourself living dangerously close to regret. You're better than that.

You deserve better than that. Your family deserves better than that. If you had been asking this catalytic question all along, you might have avoided your greatest regret. More importantly, if you begin asking this question now, you significantly decrease the chances of that bit of unfortunate history repeating itself.

So, resist the temptation to hide behind broad generalities and cultural norms. What is the wise thing for you to do? You are a unique blend of past experiences, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams. Wisdom allows you to customize the decision-making process to your specific professional, financial, and relational aspirations. Don't miss this opportunity.

Imagine how different your life would be now if you had been processing your options this way from the beginning. Imagine how different your life might look a year from now if this multifaceted question was part of your decision-making grid from this point forward.

So, ask it.

Ask it even if you don't plan to act on it. You owe it to yourself to know. You owe it to the people depending on you as well.

Conclusion:

So what is the wise thing to do?

Use your wisdom and you tell me...

Join us next week for the Relationship Question.