Practical Advice for Christian Living (Part 2)
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Good morning and welcome to Dishman Baptist Church. Please take your Bibles and turn in them with me to Ephesians 4, Ephesians 4.
I’m going to quit making promises about where sermon series are going because every time I do that God changes the plan for me. It is well written, as our church’s Faithlife and Facebook page documented yesterday Proverbs 16:9 “A person’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.” As I studied this passage again this week preparing for this morning I couldn’t get past the words that Paul writes in just one verse.
Many of us heard the refrain when we were in elementary school - “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”. And yet, we can be open with one another and admit that yes, words really do hurt sometimes. It is interesting to me that as Paul turns his mind toward the practical outworking of the Christian life, toward the practical outworking of the doctrinal truths that Paul has been teaching throughout the early portions of this letter that so much of his focus is on speech. Read with me through Ephesians 4:25-32 again and then lets take some time and settle in to really examine our speech habits to see if we’re meeting the standards that Paul sets forth here.
Therefore, putting away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another.
Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,
and don’t give the devil an opportunity.
Let the thief no longer steal. Instead, he is to do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share with anyone in need.
No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by him for the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice.
And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
Notice with me the overwhelming focus on speech here. Paul starts off “put away”, literally again take off as in taking off a garment, lying but speak the truth to one another. We looked at this last week recognizing that there is both explicit lying - outright telling a falsehood - and probably more common implicit lying. Where we maybe don’t tell the whole truth or we keep something back. We say we’re fine when we really aren’t fine. There is also the implicit lie of knowing that there is something to be said and not saying it. Knowing there is an issue in someone’s life and not addressing it out of fear of confrontation or a feeling that it is not your responsibility. If we are a family and we know there is an issue then it is incumbent upon us to address it with one another - especially when that issue is sinful.
Now we come to this morning’s passage and Paul again returns his focus to the speech that should characterize the believer. I turned some heads last week when I told you that the word foul here - no foul language should come from your mouth - doesn’t mean profanity. And it doesn’t. That isn’t a license to begin cursing like a sailor - something I’m intimately familiar with - but that isn’t Paul’s point here. He will make that point later in the early verses of chapter 5 though so rest easy on that.
No the word foul here is the word sapros and it has the meaning of putrid. It is used in post-Biblical literature by the early church fathers Clement and the author of the Shepherd of Hermas to refer to decaying fruit on the vine, to rotting flesh and to useless stones. In Matthew 13:48 Jesus uses this term to refer to worthless fish brought in by the fisherman’s net. Not because the fish were rotting but because they were no good for food - they were worthless to the people who had caught them.
Scripture is replete with warnings and examples to watch our tongue and to guard our mouths.
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from deceitful speech.
Lord, set up a guard for my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips.
The one who guards his mouth protects his life; the one who opens his lips invites his own ruin.
The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
Brood of vipers! How can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.
What an indictment that is - that the mouth speaks out of the overflow of our hearts. A few weeks ago I asked how long our shadows would be if every time we spoke the truth in love it was obvious by the length of our shadow. What if, alternately, our words gave off a certain aroma. What if you could smell the nature of our words - would they smell rancid or fresh? Would they be pleasing or give off a stomach churning scent as we speak to our families and friends.
There is more here than simply vindictive or vile speech. There is sarcasm. There is a confrontational tone that we often use especially when we think we are right or have the upper hand in a conversation. There can be arrogance. We don’t have to be verbally abusive or explicitly unkind for our speech to take on the character, the stench, of putridness or uselessness. Sometimes we are guilty of simply speaking to hear ourselves talk but we bring little of value to the conversation.
When I was in the Navy there was one Chief who said something that I’ve never forgotten and always admired. He said whenever you speak always bring value to the conversation. He would weigh the significance of what was said in a conversation not on the intelligence of the statement but rather on the value that it added to the conversation. We can make very intelligent observations that do little to add value to a conversation.
Some of you will be leaving here this morning and heading home or to another venue to watch the Super Bowl. As we turn on our televisions we’ll be subjected to the expert analysis of the announcer and the color commentator. The announcer would be sufficient to tell us what down it was, how many yards there were left or what player was doing what. All necessary information. It it the color commentator, the former professional player or coach, that adds the unnecessary information that often makes the game tedious to watch. I’m sure many of you can think of some annoying announcer who just says things to be heard and adds nothing to the enjoyment of the game itself.
Christians are not immune to this. Consider this statement “For me, hell would be if God showed me all He could have done through my life, and all the blessing I could have known, if I had just trusted Him a little bit more.” What value does this add - to anything? It’s not Biblical. It doesn’t explain anything more about hell than if I said for me hell would be if I had to spend every day walking on a treadmill in a grey room. We must do better with the opportunities we do get to speak into the life of a fellow believer. But we must also be careful.
We are all in danger of losing control of our tongues. James captures this tendency very well in his epistle writing
If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.
And then later in more pointed language
And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among our members. It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
Every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and fish is tamed and has been tamed by humankind,
but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
We can inadvertently do significant damage with our tongues. So much so that Paul feels it necessary not only to warn us against lying but here to warn us against unproductive speech. And for those of you who are concerned, he does address vulgar speech in Ephesians 5:4. So we will get to that.
As Christians we should be known as those who bring value to every conversation. I remember seeing a poster at a school several years ago - and maybe they still have them and I just overlook them now - that had the acronym think on it. Whenever we speak we should consider is the statement true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and kind. As we look more at what Paul writes to the Ephesians here in verse 29 we’re going to see elements of all of those encapsulated in three statements - Paul writes “No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building - constructive not criticizing - up someone in need - appropriate not ambiguous - so that it gives grace - gracious not goading - to those who hear. We are to be constructive, appropriate and gracious in our speech and yet sometimes we find that we are critical, ambiguous and goading.
Constructive not Criticism
Constructive not Criticism
There is often a fine line between constructive and critical speech. Often what the speaker defines as constructive the hearer may define as critical. So what do we do? How do we remedy this? Paul tells us here how to determine the difference between constructive and critical - notice the text. He writes but only what is good for building up someone”.
The word for building here is oikodome and it means to be in the act of building. Paul generally uses this term with the connotation of spiritual growth.
So also you—since you are zealous for spiritual gifts, seek to excel in building up the church.
Most recently we have seen it in this epistle used with reference to the church being built up into the temple of God Eph 2:21 “In him the whole building, being put together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord.” As Christians seeking to speak truth into the lives of those around us we should seek that which builds up. We should seek to be constructive not critical. The Psalmist and the Proverbs have much to say regarding wise speech
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom; his tongue speaks what is just.
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.
A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.
This is also the delineating line between the implicit lie that I spoke about last week and the appropriately unsaid statement. We should never seek to harm someone or to hinder some progression in spiritual growth by saying something - as true as it might be - that would be better left unsaid. Yet there are times when corrective words are necessary to keep or to put a brother or sister back on the path to a righteous life. One of the ways that this is avoided is by our own personal connection to the Spirit. Oh how often we stick our foot in our spiritual mouths when we speak something that we have determined is necessary spiritual correction but that hasn’t been prayed over. If you’re not willing to spend time in praying over the necessity of speaking to another person then what you have to say probably has little value to offer.
Earlier this week a crossing guard was praised for her bravery after pushing a young girl who was about to be hit by a car to safety. Rest assured that there are very few moments in the Christian life that present such immediacy. Note also that the result of inaction can have much greater and much graver consequences - so I’m not saying don’t ever bring something to someone’s attention. I’m merely saying to be aware of your own heart before doing so.
The church father Jerome said “Keep your tongue from criticizing and watch over your words. Know that in judging others you are passing sentence on yourself and that you are yourself guilty of the faults that you blame in them.” It may be a case of removing the log from your own eye before removing the speck from your brothers - or it could simply be to make sure that your heart is in the right place and that your sole desire is for their further spiritual development. Too often we speak as the Holy Spirit sure that we know what needs to be said rather than speaking in the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to guide our words.
Hugh of Saint Victor, a theologian of the Pre-Reformation age - said these wise words “Look…into yourself as well when you have to correct another, and acknowledge that you also are a sinner and subject to frailty, lest you also be grievously tempted, if your admonition proceeds more from irritation than from compassion. Let the correction be prompted by love for the persons and hatred of all vices.”
Now mind you that there is also a fine line between constructive and critical when it comes to being corrective. Not all corrective speech comes from a critical spirit. You sometimes cannot build something without razing what once existed. And we must be willing to do that. Proverbs 27:6 “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” There are times where we need to be truthful, corrective and possibly it could hurt but Christ’s good Temple cannot be built on our rotten foundation - there are things which need to be demolished out of our lives. Yet we should be aware of our intentions when we speak into someone’s life and be certain we come from a place of love.
When we seek to be constructive - even if that occasionally means we need to be corrective - we will also seek to be appropriate.
Appropriate not Ambiguous
Appropriate not Ambiguous
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. It’s like deja vu all over again. No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded. It ain’t over til it’s over. All of these statements are well known quotes from the late, great catcher of the Yankees Yogi Berra. And while they are humorous, no one is going to seek out Yogi for life advice based on these quotes. They’re too ambiguous to be of any value.
Paul continues to tell the Ephesian believers how to speak to one another and in so doing delivers a warning against ambiguity. He says but only what is good for building someone up in need.” The New American Standard translation renders this verse this way “but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment”. Sometimes we can make the most brilliant statement ever - but if it is offered at the wrong moment it would be better if we hadn’t spoken at all. Appropriateness of speech comes down to two factors - timeliness and topic.
Surely we must recognize that there is a time for construction and a time when it will not be effective. If I were to go to the property we just bought up north and attempt to lay a foundation for a cabin right now it would be utterly ineffective and a waste of time as there is still 12-18 inches of snow. I must either patiently work to clear the snow away or wait until the sun does its work and removes the snow for me. The same goes for speaking in to the life of a brother or sister who needs to be grown. We may know all the right things to say but they may not be in a place to hear it. This is where prayer again comes in to the situation - both our prayers for them and our prayers for ourselves.
A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.
Now I’m not a big fan of fruit - so maybe some of you like apples in silver settings - but not me. But the writer of Proverbs tells us that the right words spoken at the right time is like a choice morsel presented in the most beautiful of arrangements. When we approach someone at the right time, with the right words - at the appropriate time - the results can be wonderful and life changing. The result is not only greater spiritual maturity for the person approached but greater spiritual maturity and faith for us as well as we comet to trust more in the providence of God.
We must also be wary of topic. I have a dear family member who is great at obfuscation. He is very practiced at changing the subject to avoid conversations he doesn’t desire to have. It’s almost at the level of art form. When we are seeking to approach someone to seek their edification we need to guard against this tendency within ourselves and also to be wary of the tactic on their part. When conversations turn serious we are very good at changing the subject to a less stressful topic to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Part of meeting the need of the moment is to stay on the topic of the need. We must be willing to confront the need without being confrontational - surely - but to meet the need nonetheless.
The result should actually lead to joy in the person’s life. Proverbs 15:23 “A person takes joy in giving an answer; and a timely word—how good that is!” And it should cause joy within our own lives as we use the gifts that we have been given to speak into the life of a brother or sister and to see their growth happen.
Paul closes with the charge that will help all of us to be both constructive and appropriate - the charge to be gracious.
Gracious not Goading
Gracious not Goading
Paul says that the purpose of our speech is to give grace to those who hear. There has never been a greater example of grace than Jesus. He always met everyone with the grace necessary for the situation. When He sat down by the well in Samaria and addressed the woman there - He was gracious rather than condemning. When He met the woman outside of Nain who’s son had just died He was gracious. Even when He was stern with His disciples or with Martha when she complained that Mary wasn’t being helpful - He was gracious.
Puritan George Swinnock sums up this attitude “A desire to disgrace others never sprang from grace. It is ill to inquire into others’ actions, that we might have matter to draw up a bill of indictment against them. Like those who, in reading books, mark only the faults, or such as take more pleasure in beholding a monster than a perfect man, such is a censorious person.”
Can we be honest and recognize that for many of us giving grace is a challenge. We are not only very good at recognizing what needs changed, recognizing the appropriate time in which the change should take place but we also know the exact methods to effect the change. And yet, what we are called to is to give the person grace and to patiently allow the Spirit to work in their lives.
Look there are many changes that I would love to see in people’s lives - but I can’t stand here in this pulpit and use it as a cudgel to goad you into going the way I want you to go. There are also probably many changes that you would love to see in my life - but you can’t goad me into action either. We must patiently speak into one another’s lives and wait for the Master Builder to cause change to happen.
Writing to the Colossian church on this very topic Paul writes Col 4:6 “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.” Commenting on this verse Dr. MacArthur says that salt is a preservative and that it carries several functions - to preserve and to retard or slow spoilage. Our words are to be a preservative to those around us and to slow the moral and spiritual spoilage that can take place in each of our lives. Our speech is meant to provide comfort, strength, confidence and encouragement to grow into the people of Christ that we are meant to be.
Commenting on this passage, Charles Spurgeon said this:
The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit Sermons, Vol. XLVIII (Exposition by C. H. Spurgeon (Ephesians 4))
I have heard unthinking people say, “Well, if it is in your heart, you may as well speak it; it is better out than in.” I do not agree with them! If you had a barrel of whiskey in your house, that would certainly be a bad thing to be in your, possession; but it would not do any hurt so long as you kept it unopened, so that nobody could get at it, for the mischief arises when people begin to drink it. Undoubtedly, it is an evil thing for you to have anything that is corrupt in your heart, but it will not be mischievous to other people until it begins to come out; so, “let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,”— Since some communication is sure to come out of your mouth, let it be a good one,— Especially take heed of that “evil speaking” against which the apostle warns you, for there are many people who cannot live without speaking; they must talk a great deal, and they often say that which is false; they invent evil, they twist an honest action, and impute wrong motives to the doer of it. A few such persons in a community can cause much of heartache and distress; they little know what servants of Satan they may become. God help us to put away all evil speaking, and all malice!
And while the main recipient of our improved speech are those around us, the main reason for us to improve our speech is for the Holy Spirit. Paul continues telling his readers “And don’t grieve the Holy Spirit. You were sealed by Him for the day of redemption.” Paul is reiterating what he said about believers in Ephesians 1:13-14 “In him you also were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and when you believed. The Holy Spirit is the down payment of our inheritance, until the redemption of the possession, to the praise of his glory.” But he is adding a level - that we are actually capable of grieving the Holy Spirit by careless speech.
This isn’t on the level of angering or turning the Spirit against us - rather the word for grieve carries the sense of vex or to make Him sorrowful. It is like the sorrow a parent feels when they see their children being unkind to one another. Paul reminds us that if we have been chosen then we have been sealed by the Holy Spirit - we are His - and sometimes we may actually cause Him to say “This is what I paid for”. There are times where we can engender a sense of buyers remorse because of the way that we talk to one another. Oh that we would put this sin far from us and that we would seek instead to be constructive, appropriate and gracious.
Maybe you’re recognizing this morning that your manner of speech has been spoiled and putrid rather than preserving of your brothers and sisters. What a contrast that is that Paul gives us when you put the Colossians verse next to our text this morning. Are we salt and agents of preservation or are we foul and agents of decay with our words? Let us each seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in how we relate to one another, submitting to His guidance and His leading in our manner of speech with one another.