What is our weekly reminder?

Men and women have different goals in communication.

Men communicate to give and receive information.

Export and import.

Women communicate to connect.

Awareness of this reality is going to impact all of our relationships.

Tonight, for our Biblical example of miscommunication, we go to

Matthew 20:1-16

Now, before we go any further, I understand that Jesus is using a parable to teach a truth about the kingdom. I get that. But this is an example of how speaking clearly could have eliminated confusion.

All the master had to say was that each would receive the same wage.

There was frustration, confusion, and conflict all because there was not accurate communication.

If we do not speak clearly, there is no hope of communicating well.

This means that we have a mandate to speak clearly.

When we do not speak clearly, we are essentially inviting miscommunication into our relationships.

That brings us to our passage for tonight.

Go with me to Matthew 9:9-13.

Matthew 9:9-13

Here is our topic for tonight.

Speak With Clarity

What we will learn tonight is that there are three moments when clarity is absolutely essential.

But first, a story.

I once had a boss in construction who constantly would give us a task without giving any instruction.

He would then come back to us when we had done the task incorrectly and berate us for our failure.

There was one particular instance when we were supposed to build stairs up to a front door.

He dumped off a pile of rock and a piece of equipment and told us to get the stairs ready for cement and then drove away.

None of us had ever built the rock base for a set of stairs.

None of us had ever used that particular piece of equipment.

We tried, but having no idea how to accomplish the task, we failed.

He returned to curse, swear and yell at us all because of his own inadequate instruction.

Clarity is an absolute essential when it comes to communication.

There are three particular moments, addressed in this passage, where we see the necessity of clarity.

We will be following our same pattern.

Observe what Jesus did

Clarity is absolutely essential…

When Asking Questions

Verses 9-10 set the stage for what is happening here.

Jesus has just called Matthew to follow Him.

As a tax collector, Matthew didn’t hang out with those considered reputable by other Jews.

When Jesus goes to eat with him, tax collectors and sinners come to eat as well.

That’s the background.

Verse 11.

This is one time where I am proud of the Pharisees.

What do they do?

They ask exactly what they want to know!

There are a couple things we can learn here.

Get to the point

They do this well.

They say exactly what they are wondering.

Beating around the bush only makes everyone frustrated.

The Child and the Missing Cookie

Did you know I made cookies?

Do you know why one is missing?

Just ask the question!

Did you take the cookie?

The Spouse and the New Haircut

This is the classic, right?

Notice anything different about me?

Hint - when you ask vague questions, you may get answers you don’t want.

I noticed you put on a few pounds!

If you got a haircut, say “Do you like my new haircut?”

Guys, ask what they tried that was new.

The Friend and the Fake Sickness

Went somewhere when they told you they were sick and you saw them there.

So what did you end up doing last night?

NO!

Ask what you want to know!

I saw you at ___ were you feeling better?

Get to the point.

Go to the source

This is what they don’t do.

They ask the disciples instead of Jesus.

Asking your kids friends or siblings instead of them directly.

Talking negatively about your spouse to friends or children.

Talking about your friend with another friend.

A mature adult is willing to risk discomfort to avoid gossip.

Go to the source.

Gather information

Most of the time, there is little or no value in asking questions you already know the answer to.

This goes back to our first lesson, say what you mean.

We’ve touched on this a little bit already, but let’s be clear.

Ask the question you want an answer to.

If you don’t, chances are you will not like the answer you get.

Earlier example: Do you notice anything new about me?

Consider the position you are putting the other person in.

Getting this wrong = conflict.

This could also open the door to a lot of negativity.

It is so much better to just ask the correct question to begin with.

Gather information.

3 moments when clarity is essential.

1 - When asking questions.

2…

When Answering Questions

Look at v. 12

3 keys to answering a question with clarity.

Let me throw out a freebie first.

If you are wanting to avoid asking someone directly, don’t ask others when they are nearby.

That one was free.

3 keys to answering with clarity.

#1…

Be Direct

Jesus hears, then He speaks to them.

Jesus does not do what the Pharisees have done.

Jesus speaks directly to them, not to His disciples.

When anyone asks us a question, be direct in your response.

Tell your father

Tell your child

Tell Bobby

Here is a principle to remember.

Middlemen muddle the message.

When we put anyone between our message and the intended recipient, the chances of it getting muddled are huge.

Be direct.

Talk to the person you want to communicate with.

Key #2…

Be Specific

Answer the question that is asked even when it isn’t the question you want to answer.

They asked why Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners, so He told them.

He ate with them because they were spiritually sick.

He came to bring abundant life!

This is the question they asked.

Borrowing the Car

This is a yes or no question.

It is acceptable to ask where they are going, it is not the time for a lecture.

Saying things like “drive careful” or “don’t scratch it” are not helpful.

They already know that!

This also isn’t the time to go into a tirade about all the things you do for them.

Answer the question.

Having a Girls/Guys Night

Again, yes or no question.

Some detail can be asked for.

Not time to talk about how “you never do anything with me.”

Not the time to get into a fight about something else.

Answer the question.

Going to the Party

Yes or no.

That’s what they are asking.

Be honest.

Answer the question.

If they ask for more info, it is up to you whether or not you give it.

A specific answer to a question shows respect and appreciation.

Respect for time and appreciation for their willingness to ask.

Be direct.

Be specific.

Key #3…

Be Clear

Jesus is very difficult to misunderstand here.

They ask why He eats with tax collectors and sinners.

He responds by proclaiming His mission.

The whole goal of communication is understanding.

We want people to hear what we are saying and draw appropriate conclusions from it.

When we fail to answer questions with clarity, we simply create confusion.

When answering questions:

Be direct

Be specific

Be clear.

3 moments when clarity is essential.

1 - When asking questions.

2 - When answering questions.

3…

When Speaking Truth

This is where we have to be very, very careful.

We need to be reminded of the words of Paul in Ephesians 4:15.

Ephesians 4:15

Ephesians 4:15 NKJV

15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—

We are to speak truth.

That is a must.

However, we are to speak it in love.

Speaking truth without love brings hurt, division, and conflict.

We speak the truth, but we do it with love.

There is another element to this when it comes to parenting and friendship.

We need to have a relationship that makes truth speaking possible.

Here’s what I mean.

It is unwise to approach someone I have no relationship with and hit them with difficult truth.

Building a relationship with someone, investing in their life, open their heart to receive truth when it is needed.

Sometimes we think that simply being a parents gives us the right to speak truth to our children.

That may be the case when they are home, though I would argue that relationship is still essential, but outside the home we must have a relationship with them if we want to speak truth to them.

Here is the balance to that.

There are times when blatant sin is involved.

In those situations, we are commanded by God to speak truth in love.

However, how we speak it matters.

If you have not earned to right to speak into their lives, say that.

Son or daughter I know I have not had the best relationship with you, but I need to tell you something from the Word of God. I know you may not want to hear it, and you may not want to hear it from me, but I have no choice but to tell you what God has said.

While still hard to hear, that will go over better.

Still speak truth.

How?

There are two things we must put into place if we want to speak truth and have it be recieved.

Quote Scripture

V. 13

Jesus quoted the perfect Scripture for the situation.

We see Him doing this all through His ministry.

This highlights an important point.

To quote Scripture, we must know Scripture.

If addressing a particular issue, know what Scripture says about it and where it says it.

This doesn’t mean we need to be experts in every topic.

It does mean that when we are aware of an issue, we research it before we confront.

This enables us to present what God and His Word says instead of just our opinion.

Why? Because here is what people think of opinions.

Scripture, not opinion is what changes hearts.

With that being said, there is something we all must do with quoting Scripture.

Be careful.

Don’t beat them over the head with truth.

Instead, begin with yourself.

That brings us to the second thing we must put into place.

Apply Scripture personally

Look at what Jesus says in the end of v. 13.

Jesus came because the sick need a physician.

He came because God desires mercy!

He came to call sinners to repentance.

Jesus personally applied Scripture to His mission.

If you need to impart difficult truth to someone, apply it to yourself first.

Romans 2:21-23

Romans 2:21–23 NKJV

21 You, therefore, who teach another, do you not teach yourself? You who preach that a man should not steal, do you steal? 22 You who say, “Do not commit adultery,” do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who make your boast in the law, do you dishonor God through breaking the law?

We are to treat others how we want to be treated.

Do we?

Galatians 6:1 is very clear that we need to confront brothers and sisters in Christ when they are in sin.

However, it also tells us that we are to consider ourselves.

If we confront someone about an issue we ourselves have, we are being hypocritical.

Biblical truth that we have applied personally is more well-recieved by others.

Let me give a few examples of situations where we may need to speak difficult truth.

The Friend

Let’s say you have a friend who gossips.

It has gotten to the point that relationships have been damaged and lost because of it.

Yet, this person seems oblivious.

This is a situation where love and Scripture demand that we confront.

However, if you are one of the ones who has regularly joined in the gossip, you need to deal with that first!

Then you can go to them and say, “I read this Scripture the other day and it really convicted me about my gossiping.”

Then, let the Holy Spirit do His work, and a later conversation, address their gossip.

The Child

If we have to address a sin issue with a child, be sure it is something you have been transparent about.

Lying.

If you have lied to your child, make that right first.

No more ice cream. - This teaches a child to lie.

Teaches that lying in certain situations is acceptable.

Make that right first.

The Spouse

This is very delicate and difficult, however, there are times when we need to confront one another about areas of sin in our lives.

Anger.

If you have young kids, maybe there is anger in disciplining them.

Maybe it is anger with perceived wrongs.

Whatever it is, Scripture is clear that there is sinful anger.

I cannot address anger in my spouse if I am angry myself.

Clearly speak truth that has been personally applied.

Copy what Jesus did

Write down what you are going to do about this.

To be someone who speaks with clarity, what changes do I need to make?