Being the Father Your Family Needs

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)

I read an article this week entitled 50 Reasons Why It’s Good To Be a Man. I won’t read them all, but here’s my own top-10 list:

10. You know stuff about tools. 9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 8. If someone forgets to invite you to something he can still be your friend. 7. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 6. If another guy shows up at the same party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 5. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 4. There is always a game on somewhere. 3. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, “So… do you notice anything different?” 2. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 1. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

There are some obvious advantages to being a man, aren’t there? I want to start with some surprising facts about dads though: 63 million men in America do not know Christ. Only 1 out of every 12 men in America is involved in active discipleship. 4 out of 10 children will go to bed tonight without their biological father in the home. Fatherless children are 5 times as likely to live in poverty, repeat a grade, and have emotional problems. 93% of all people incarcerated are men, and 85% of them have no father figure. As many Christians will divorce as non-Christians. Most men only know enough about God to be disappointed with Him.

John Maxwell, writes in an article titled, Dads: The New Endangered Species, “When the good news is combined with the bad, it seems that fatherhood in the United States is poised for either a great awakening or a gory collapse.” I think he’s right.

We need to come back to a biblical concept of fatherhood. God says that dads are to be difference-makers by leading and loving their wives and kids. Fathers, it’s my prayer that through God’s Word we might experience a great awakening in our personal life and in our parenting! Let’s look at Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

I want to begin by giving some background. In the 1st century families were presided over by fathers who could do whatever they pleased in their homes. Rome had a law called “patria potestas,” which meant “the father’s power.” Roman citizen men were given absolute property rights over their families. By law, the children and the wife were regarded as the patriarch’s personal property, and he could do what he wanted with them. A father could disown his children, sell them into slavery, or even kill them if he wished.

When a child was born, the baby was placed between the father’s feet. If the father picked up the baby, the child stayed in the home. If he walked away, the child was either left to die or sold at auction. Seneca, a contemporary of the apostle Paul, described Roman policy with regard to unwanted animals: “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed we drown.”

The Bible calls Christian fathers to a different standard. Just as it was revolutionary for dads to lovingly lead their kids in the first century, faithful fathers today who do not exasperate their kids are rare. Our kids are not property to own, but people made in the image of God, who need to be discipled and trained. Dads, we are called to provide a proper environment where our kids can grow up to love and serve Christ. Our primary responsibilities are set forth in Ephesians 6:4.

I want you to notice the very first word of this verse: “Fathers.” I think Paul addresses just dads here because he knows that we especially need to hear this. Most of us dads are sloppy in our fathering, not giving much thought to what we’re called to do. This verse sets some pretty high standards. Paul is challenging us to see the word “fathers” as something you do, not something you are. It’s biologically easy to become a father, but biblically challenging to actually “father” our children. In this passage, we’re given 4 “Dad Duties.” One duty is something we should not do; the other three are what we are to do.

1. Avoid Exasperation

The first duty is to “not exasperate our children.” This is a warning designed to put us on guard against stirring up anger in our kids either deliberately or through carelessness. I think Paul started with a negative command because he knows that fathers, who are fallen creatures, are prone to abuse their authority in the home.

The Greek word for “exasperate” means “to rouse to anger” or “to enrage.” The present tense of the verb indicates that we are to stop doing something that is common and continuous. This warning is calling us dads to avoid anything that will eventually break the sprit of our children. Paul says in Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” When we exasperate our kids, they can become bitter.

Remember that our children are commanded by God to honor us. When we provoke them to anger, we are causing them to sin against the 5th Commandment, which makes us guilty before God for disobeying Ephesians 6:4 and also guilty for causing our children to stumble. Here are some ways that fathers can exasperate their children:

1.) Overprotection. You can anger your kids by fencing them in too much. I can relate to this one because there are so many things I want to protect my kids from in our world today. I have to be careful so that my kids don’t grow up thinking I don’t trust them.

That reminds me of something I read recently called, “Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter.” Here’s rule #1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. And rule #5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is, are you a believer? And when do you expect to have my daughter safely home, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.

Laban, an Old Testament dad, was an overprotective and domineering parent. He dealt dishonestly with Jacob in order to get him to marry Leah, his eldest daughter, even though Jacob loved Rachel, the younger one. In exchange for a promise to work for Laban for 7 years, Jacob was allowed to marry Rachel as well. His controlling parenting cost his own daughters a healthy marriage. Ironically, despite Laban’s overprotective interfering, the daughters’ view was that their father did not really care for them. Listen to what they said about their dad in Genesis 31:15: “Does he not regard us as foreigners? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us.” What their dad had thought of as an expression of parental protection came across as evidence that he did not really love them.

2.) Overindulgence. The flip side of overprotection is overindulgence. Excessively permissive parents are as likely to stir their children’s wrath as much as those who stifle them. Studies prove that kids given too much freedom feel insecure and unloved.

3.) Favoritism. A third way to exasperate kids is by showing favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob, and Rebecca preferred Jacob over Esau. That family experienced terrible agony and two brothers became bitter rivals. If you want to destroy your child, just make him feel inferior to everyone else in the family.

4.) Unrealistic Goals. Dads, we can provoke our kids to wrath by constantly pushing achievement. 1 Thessalonians 2:11 shows us Paul’s fatherly concern for the church: “We exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children.” Fathers, while it’s true that we’re called to exhort and charge our children, we’re also to comfort them.

5.) Discouragement. As Colossians 3:21 challenges us, “do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.” Dads, we need to cut down on the criticism and sarcasm in the home. Let’s look for ways to praise our kids. Let’s give our approval so our kids don’t have to look for it in the arms of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Let’s catch our kids doing things right instead of watching for them to do wrong.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: For every time you have to point out something that your kids do wrong, try to equalize it with a word of encouragement.

Haim Ginott wrote this: “A child learns what he lives. If he lives with criticism he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust others. And above all, he learns to live with the continual expectation of impending doom.”

6. Neglect. Another way to exasperate your children is by neglecting them. When we fail to show affection to our kids, we cause them to burn with anger. We can neglect our kids by never being home; or we can do it by being home but not involved in their lives. Today many families neglect each other by being involved in so many activities that they don’t have time for each other on an intimate level.

7. Excessive Discipline. Too much punishment is another sure way to provoke a child to anger. Dads, don’t ride your kids constantly. The father who throws his weight around whether physically or verbally can be devastating to a child’s spirit. Hebrews 12 says that God always disciplines us in love and so should we.

That’s the negative side of our dad duty: avoid exasperation. Now, let’s look at three positive principles from the second half of Ephesians 6:4: “…Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

2. Provide Nurture

The word “instead” shows a contrast between what we should not do and what we are to do. Here’s the first thing we are called to do: provide nurture. The NIV translates this verb as “bring them up.” This is the same phrase that is used in 5:29 referring to the husband’s role of “feeding and caring” for his wife. Men, we are called to nourish our wife and children by sharing love and encouragement in the Lord.

Notice also that we are to “bring them up.” We are to bring our children up because they will not get there by themselves. Dads, we are to shape the character of our children. Proverbs 29:15 says, “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”

What strikes me here is that as a dad I am called to not just raise my 3 children; I’m called to raise 3 adults. I’m not just a daddy of 2 girls and a boy; I’m charged with providing a nurturing environment so that they grow up to become young women and a man of God. The phrase, “bring them up” also carries with it the idea of “tutoring” and “instructing.” I’m a dad, but along with Donna, I’m also a tutor and teacher for my kids. My most important job is to disciple my kids and to leave a legacy of faithfulness for them.

According to a 50-year study of Christian and non-Christian families, most young adults who follow Christ either come from non-Christian homes or from homes where they grew up in love with Jesus because mom and dad were in love with Jesus. Their parent’s passion for Christ permeated their lives and passed through them to their kids. Sadly, very few believers came from homes where there was a kind of indifferent commitment to Christ. It is sobering that the chances are better for a child growing up in a non-Christian home to become a sold-out believer than for a child growing up in a spiritually lukewarm environment. Dads, how are you doing on this one? Are you modeling authentic faith? Are you providing a home where your kids can grow to love and serve Christ? Are you looking for ways to teach and tutor your kids or are you leaving that for mom to handle? One of the best ways to parent your children is to live authentically yourself. As someone has said, “One way to correct your children is to correct the example you’re setting for them.”

3 Provide Discipline

The next thing Paul challenges us to do is to provide discipline for our kids. This word is translated “admonition” in some of your Bibles and carries with it the idea of a rebuke or a warning. Literally, it means to “place before the mind.”

Proverbs 13:24 in the NKJV provides a strong challenge to us dads: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” I like the way the NLT says: “If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.” You may think that you’re being mean to your kids if you discipline them. But actually, when you don’t discipline, you’re being more than unkind; you’re not loving them. If we love our kids, then we must admonish, rebuke, and discipline them.

I’m not advocating that you beat your kids. What I am saying is this: children need to be disciplined by their dads. Our kids need correction and they want it. If we don’t give it to them, we’re failing them and may cause them to fall away from the faith. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

It’s important to understand the difference between discipline and punishment. The purpose of punishment is to inflict penalty and focuses on the past. The purpose of discipline is to promote growth by looking to the future.

4 Provide Instruction

Dad’s there’s one last thing that we’re called to do in this verse: we’re to provide “instruction in the Lord.” “Lord” is an extremely exalted title. To say that Jesus is Lord means that He is the rightful king of the universe and ruler over the entire world, He is commander of all the armies of heaven, He is triumphant over sin and death and pain and Satan and hell, and He will one day establish His kingdom in righteousness. Dads, we are to bring up our children to hope in the triumph of God. There are 3 ways that we can do this:

1.) Bring them up to find their place in the triumphant cause of the Lord Jesus Christ. 2.) Bring them up to see everything in relation to the victory of God. Do whatever it takes to make all of life God-saturated for your kids. 3.) Bring them up to know that the path of sin is a dead end street because righteousness will prevail in the end.

Dad, you are the point man in your home. Our goal is not merely to get our kids to outwardly conform to a list of rules. Our job is to develop children who seek to glorify God. It is not enough to teach them to do good; our job is to teach our children how to develop a lifestyle as kingdom servants. Dads, you’re the leader. Lead on! Your kids are waiting for you to step up to the plate! Let’s be honest about something. We have a problem as dads, don’t we? My problem, was that I was often unavailable as a dad. I was not always fully present. My heart was not always in the job of being a dad.

Dads, you don’t have to make all these changes on your own. In the very last verse of the Old Testament, in Malachi 4:6, it looks ahead to the ministry of John the Baptist and writes: “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”

I know for me it’s really a heart issue. If my heart is fully focused on my kids, then I will do a pretty good job of fathering. Dads, if you sense that your heart is not really into parenting, and you sense that your kids don’t have much to do with you, then make this verse your personal prayer. Ask God to turn your heart to your children and ask Him to turn their hearts to you. He will be glad to answer a prayer like that.

So what? Dads, before you leave this service feeling beat up and discouraged by your own failures and inconsistency, let me remind you of 3 things:

1.) There are no perfect fathers, except our Heavenly Father. 2.) We can all be better dads if we will work at it. 3.) We do not father alone. That’s why we need to pray daily for our kids.

Chuck Swindoll, writes: “C’mon dads…Let’s start saying no to more and more of the things that pull us farther and farther away from the ones who need us the most…You’re not perfect? So, what else is new? You don’t know exactly how to pull it off? Welcome to the club…your family doesn’t expect profound perfection, command performances, or a superhuman plan. Just you, warts and all…Let’s get started.”

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated. His 5-year-old son waiting for him. “Daddy, may I ask you a question?” The dad replied: “Yeah, sure, what is it?” “Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?” The dad got mad and said, “Why do you want to know?” The little boy said, “I just want to know. Please tell me?” The dad, wanting to sit down and relax, said, “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”

The little boy asked, “Daddy, may I borrow $10 please?” The dad upset said, “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is so that you can hit me up for some cash to buy something stupid, then you go to your room and go to bed.

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The dad sat down and started to get even madder about the nerve of his little boy. How dare he ask questions only to get money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think that he was a bit hard on his boy. Maybe his son really needed the money for something important. And so, the father went up to his boy’s room and opened it, “Are you asleep, son?” “No daddy. I’m awake,” replied the boy. “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day, and I took it out on you. Here’s that 10 bucks you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you, daddy!” he exclaimed. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out a wad of crumpled up bills. The dad, seeing that the boy already had some money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his dad. The dad, now ticked off, demanded to know what was going on, “Why did you want more money if you already had some?” The little boy replied, “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do. Daddy, I have $20 now…can I buy an hour of your time?”