How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

We're going to look at how to affair proof your marriage. Statistics tell us from a secular magazine that over half of all non-Christian men will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage and nearly one-half of all women. And this is increasing as more and more women get into the work place. There are a lot of unprincipled people out there ready to tempt both you and your spouse. Temptation is everywhere.

This morning, we're going to look at preventative techniques: how to affair proof yourself and how to affair proof your spouse. We'll briefly cover the problem -- what causes affairs, the process how it happens. Then we're going to look at the pathway back.

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and who commit adultery."

God says He wants us to be faithful and that He will judge those who are immoral and commit adultery.

1. THE PROBLEM

What causes affairs? The Bible says in Proverbs 22:14 "Adultery is a trap." It's easy to fall into. You've got to beware. Matthew 26:41 "Keep watch and pray so you won't fall into temptation." No matter who you are or how long you've been a Christian you need to be aware at any point you could be tempted. It's easy to fall into a trap. What causes affairs?

1. Unmet needs. When any basic need in your mate's life is not being met you're opening the door to temptation. An unmet need leaves your ripe for temptation. Often unmet needs are simply due to ignorance. Not selfishness, just ignorance. For men, the unmet need is often a sexual need. For women, the unmet need is often an emotional need. Most affairs that women have, it's definitely true that it starts with an emotional attachment. They're not sexually attracted first but emotionally attached. They find a man that meets their emotional needs. This is true for many men too.

2. Unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes there is nothing really wrong with your life and marriage but it somehow turned out differently than you expected. You begin to feel bitter, cheated, start comparing your spouse. Whenever you start comparing your spouse, you're in trouble. Don't do it. Unfulfilled expectations lead to the attitude of "I have a right!" As a result they start excusing their behavior. When you feel cheated, Satan will make sure somebody comes into your path that also feels cheated. You start giving sympathy to each other. Satan always puts "understanding" people in your path. No room for self pity. Unfulfilled expectations need to be dealt with and realize that they are opening you up for temptation.

3. Underdeveloped self esteem. Emotional immaturity. When your husband/wife is emotionally immature you may be the best spouse possible -- a "10" in every area -- but they will still go out and look for an "8" or a "2" because they have a desire, maybe it's poor self esteem. Example: the husband who was the joke in high school and got all this adulation and adoration and affirmation and now he can't get any strokes. He starts feeling insecure. Or the wife who was the cheerleader and popular and now she's stuck at home and nobody even notices she's there. There is a deep need in everybody to feel attractive, desirable, needed. It's a self esteem issue. One of the ways you can affair proof your spouse is build up his/her self esteem so that they don't need strokes from other people.

Another thing about emotional immaturity is the person is who has an affair simply because it's the thrill of the forbidden fruit. It's like "Don't touch wet paint". Candid Camera used to put up a sign on a fence that said "Don't look through this hole". Because of the sign, all kinds of people were stopping and looking. If it hadn't been for the sign they'd walked right past it. If you're caught in the trap of emotional immaturity where you feel like you've got to have an affair to prove yourself, I'd say to you, "Grow up!"

4. Unresolved conflict. Unresolved conflict is a constant source of stress. You start avoiding your mate. In a relationship conflict either one of two responses occur: 1) You work it out and you are drawn closer together -- intimacy comes through conflict; or 2) You withdraw and you avoid it.

When you're having conflict typically Satan will put somebody in your life that understands the conflict. All kinds of flags ought to go up when you say, "I've found somebody at work who understands me." Watch out! You should not be talking to somebody of the opposite sex about your marriage problems unless it's in a professional relationship of counselor.

You go to work and start sharing with this person and you say they understand you -- they are "so easy to talk to". The reason why you don't have any problems communicating with that person is because you don't have any problems with them. You're in a perfect environment. The maid comes in and cleans the office each night. They look their best, you look your best. You don't live with them 24 hours a day. The person you think understands you so well at the office, if you married them, a few years later you'd be saying "I can't talk to them. I don't understand them." When something's not right at your home, you're not satisfied with your role and you start finding the faults of your partner then you need to be aware. Deal with it or it will lead to deeper trouble.

5. Uncontrolled thoughts. We are being fed a constant diet of immorality. Billboards, movies, TV, magazines, tapes, books, records -- it's all around you. The Bible says that out of the heart of man comes the evil things. What you think is what is going to come out in your life. The way you think determines the way you feel and the way you feel determines the way you act. Jesus said if a man commits lust in his heart then he's already committed adultery.

Lust is not arousal. Lust is not appreciation or admiration. If you're hungry and you walk by a steak -- you say "Wow!" God made men to be attracted to women. God made women to be attracted to men. Attraction is not lust. Lust is when you begin to linger on that and mentally commit an affair or adultery with that person. It's not the initial attraction. It's the second look.

6. Unprotected lifestyle. Living a life where you've got improper relationships with the opposite sex. One of the things that leaves you unprotected is fatigue. When you're tired your defenses are down. You are much more vulnerable to temptation when you're fatigued, after you've had a major disappointment, failure, letdown. The other extreme‑ - after you've had a major success you think you're on top of the world and you have everything under control. The Bible says, "Let him who standeth take heed lest he fall." You need to protect your lifestyle.

The Bible says, "The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked" and any of us at any point in time could be tempted. Anybody has their price. You have to be protective of your lifestyle. When you expose yourself to situations where you're going to be tempted, you're stupid. If you don't want to get stung, stay away from the bees. You don't get into situations were the temptations come. There are unprincipled people out there who will take advantage of you.

7. Unreliable commitment. Just not keeping your vows. I think the greatest cause of affairs is the insufficient commitment of husbands and wives. They don't take them seriously. You made a contract with God and you said, I will be faithful to this person til death do us part. It's a lifetime, non-negotiable contract. Marriage is built on commitment. The fact is you made a commitment and you are going to be tested in your commitment many, many times in your life. Expect it. Satan is going to plan all kinds of ways no matter how much you love your wife/husband, a spouse in marriage is going to be tempted by other people. Satan will make sure of it.

Not only do you need to be committed and renew your commitment to your mate, but you need to renew your commitment to Jesus Christ on a regular basis. That is a deeper commitment. If your commitment to Jesus Christ is low then you're going to start rationalizing all kinds of behaviors and affairs. I frequently say, "Lord, I never want this to happen in my life. Not only because of what it would do to Penny and the kids, but what it would do to You." It would break God's heart.

Those are some of the basic reasons people have affairs. When you know these things you can work on overcoming them and being prepared.

2. THE PROCESS OF IMMORALITY

How does an affair happen? The process of immorality is explained in James 1:14-15 (Living Bible) "Temptation is the pull of a person's own evil thoughts and wishes. These evil thoughts lead to evil actions." Circle "thoughts" and "actions". Affairs don't just happen over night. People don't just instantly fall into immorality, especially committed Christians. Even the proverbial one-night-stand just didn't happen. There was a series of events that prepared you that made you vulnerable to that experience. People don't lead moral lives one day and then the next day commit immorality. There is a process.

1. Accepting sinful thoughts in your mind. The battle for sin always starts in your mind. Satan plants a seed, a thought. You say, "I'm just daydreaming. I'd never do it." Baloney. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." If you lose the battle in your mind, you've lost the battle. You've got to learn to control your mind. After that will come the next phase.

As a Christian, you're still going to have sexual thoughts. What do you do with sexual fantasies? Two options: Allow that fantasy to proceed and you feed on it, or you can side track it and focus it on your own mate. Whenever you're having an affair, whenever you're thinking about somebody else, you are draining energy from your own relationship. When you start to have a sexual thought, rather than try to fight it -- whatever you resist persists -- take the thought and refocus it and plant, invest, that energy, desire, in your mate instead. Put a filter in your mind, because the thought life is where Satan starts.

Fortunately it is the easiest place to stop an affair. But we're reluctant to get serious about it at this stage. And usually if you don't stop at this stage you will go to phase two.

2. Non-physical, emotional involvement. Emotional, non-physical involvement. Adultery begins in the head long before it gets into the bed. If you get into a truck stop or motel and you give into temptation, you were setting yourself up long before that because of the way you were thinking. Emotional, non-physical involvement. Just to assume that a man and a woman aren't touching each other physically can be misleading, because every time a man and a woman are in the same room together there is sexual energy going on to some degree. Overt, covert, or whatever. God made men to be men and women to be women. There starts to be an emotional attachment. Typically, a woman will start fishing for compliments or start flattering you. That's something you need to be aware of.

With unbelievers there is very little time at this stage. Usually, once the signals are turned on, they go immediately to stage three -- physical involvement. Unbelievers don't usually stay at this stage very long. But with believers there is a lot of game playing that occurs here even in churches. Because we say there is no physical contact we feel safe and we're still walking the road of obedience. But the Bible teaches that flirting is wrong. You're arousing a desire in someone that you can't righteously fulfill. That's the game playing, flirting, teasing. God says Don't do it!

3. Physical involvement. This is where the line has been crossed. Touching, kissing, hugging, sexual relations, etc. Once you cross this threshold, the chances of turning around here and not hurting anybody are very, very slim. It takes a lot of strength -- God's power -- to come back.

4. Rationalize the affair. You hear "I'm only human". But being human is an excuse. We are human but we have God's spirit in us if we're Christians. Can you imagine a thief saying, "I robbed and killed this guy. I'm only human!" Some excuses I've heard: "If my husband/wife only met my needs I wouldn't do this", "S/he needs me", "It won't happen again", "God will forgive us". When I hear this last one I want to say, "What kind of fool do you think God is? The audacity to presume on the grace of God!" The Bible says, God forgives us when we repent and repent means change.

III. THE PATHWAY BACK TO PURITY

Once you're over the line, the decision has to be made that you've got to turn around. Here are the steps:

1. Acknowledge the sin. Psalm 51:1-4. If you have a friend who has fallen in this area, this is the psalm they need to read. This is the Psalm of David's prayer of confession after he had committed adultery with Bathsheba. "Oh, loving and kind God, have mercy. Take away the awful stain of my transgressions. Cleanse me from this guilt for I admit my shameful deed. It haunts me day and night. It is against You that I have sinned."David says he's committed adultery but he says he's sinned against God. So admit it. Stop rationalizing, making excuses, blaming someone else. Be convicted enough to be willing to change. You confess and ask forgiveness.

2. End the relationship immediately. If you've got a friend that's having an affair and wants to get out of it, they've got to stop immediately. Hebrews 3:15 "Now is the time. Today, if you hear God's voice speaking to you, do not harden your heart against Him." Take action immediately. Typically, in immorality, you move slowly out of fellowship with God. Once you're out you need to move quickly back in, not slowly back in. Quit cold turkey. Don't phase out.

3. Do whatever it takes to avoid all contact with that person from now on. All. Make a decision and stick with it. I Cor. 10:13 "The wrong desires that come into your life aren't anything new and different. Many others have faced exactly the same problems before you and no temptation is irresistible. God will show you how to escape." God says He will never put more on you than He put in you to bear it out. The person who says, "I just couldn't help myself" is lying if they're a Christian. God says He will never put more on you than He put in you to bear it out. "I will show you how to escape."

You need to practice hanging up. Imagine your ex-lover calling you on the phone. You hear their voice and immediately you hang up." Practice that so that if and when they do call you, you hang up on them. You have no contact. No more explanations. No more lunches. Nothing. Guys, what that means is if you have to change jobs, do it. If you have to change churches, do it. If you have to move out of the area, do it. We're talking about something real, vitally important here. Some say, "God used that person in my life." God does use people in our lives, but never for the purpose of immorality. Never. Do whatever it takes -- change jobs, situations -- get out of the area. "What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world..."gains a promotion "...and loses his soul".

IV. THE PREVENTIVE STEPS

That is the past. I want to spend most of the time on the future. I want to give you preventative steps -- 7 steps on how to affair proof your marriage. You need to do three things. You need to affair proof yourself, affair proof your mate, and affair proof your lifestyle.

1. Make a commitment to God's standard of morality. Psalm 119:9 "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your word." Be willing to do what the Bible says. You've got to decide, "Lord, from here on out I'm going to live according to Your standard." Augustine once said, "Lord, deliver me from lust but not yet." But to affair proof yourself you need to stop and examine your attitude toward adultery. Ask yourself, "Is it on my list of options? Can I think of any experience, circumstance, where I would say Yes?" Until you accept what God says as the standard for your life you are going to be defenseless. Stop rationalizing and say, "No way, I don't care what happens, this is not an option in my life."

What is God's standard? Song of Solomon 8:6 "Close your heart to every love but mine. Hold no one in your arms but me." God's standard is one man, one woman, for life. Commit yourself to that and tell your husband/wife that you have.

2. Maintain your marriage. I Corinthians 7:5 "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan." The Bible says that, in marriage, sexual relationship is a spiritual responsibility to your mate. It's part of your discipleship. There are many needs that you have and many needs your mate has that can be fulfilled in marriage or out of marriage. But when you got married, you made an exclusive contract that this is one area of your life that you will only have that need met by your partner. If your partner won't meet that need, who's going to do it? It is a spiritual responsibility. There are two principles taught in I Corinthians 7: the principle of the immediate response and the principle of regular habit. I believe that the Bible teaches that any time your mate has a sexual need and they ask you for sexual needs you need to fulfill it as quickly as possible. I really believe that. It is a mutual thing.

The Bible teaches that the focus is not on my need, but the focus is on their need. Ask your mate: "Is there anything you would like for me to do for you that I'm not doing in our sexual relationship?" and "Is there anything you would like for me to stop doing that you don't want me to do in our sexual relationship?" Be honest and be willing to let your spouse coach you. If you do what comes naturally in a sexual relationship, most of the time you'll be 100% wrong. No one knows their body better than they do. No one knows your body better than you do. You need to talk about this, explain, work it out. You need to maintain your marriage.

Most of us do not understand how much love is subjected to your will. You can choose to love someone. When you make the choice to love your wife/husband no matter what the faults or appearance the feelings are going to come. Feelings always follow actions. If you act loving you'll begin to feel loving. Your mate will begin to blossom under that affection. They will actually begin to change. You can love people into changing.

You need to maintain your marriage. The greatest insurance for an affair proof marriage is a happy home life. If you don't provide a magnet at home for your mate, Satan will provide a magnet somewhere else. You might think this is just a male issue but many woman say, "My husband just won't make love to me. He's just not interested." Many times the shoe is on the other foot, according to what culture would say. There are women out there starving for affection.

Proverbs 5:15 & 18 "Drink from your own well, my son, be faithful and true to your wife. Let her charms and breasts satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight." The Bible is pretty explicit here. Rejoice, be satisfied. And you can't be satisfied if you're always comparing. That's why pornography is out for a Christian. It is a false world. There are no "10"s in the world. The Bible says be satisfied with your own wife, learn to love your own wife. You need to make the commitment, "If ever my wife/husband is going to have a great lover it's going to be me. I'm going to have to become that person."

One of the things you're going to have to get rid of is the myth that destroys the maintenance of your marriage. That is the myth of the Right One. Many times after people get married, after a while they think, "Maybe I married the wrong guy/girl. Maybe that person is still out there." The Bible does not teach that. The Bible does not teach that there is a right person, one and only one person in the world for you. The Bible teaches that given your background and your situation there might be a number of people that would be appropriate mates for you. Marriage is what you make it. It doesn't even make sense logically. If it were true that God had only created one person in the world that was just the right person for me, then what happens if I marry the wrong person. Then that means she's going to marry the wrong person. Then that means the person who married her married the wrong person, etc. The chain breaks down. We're all married to the wrong people!

The Bible does teach that your marriage is what you make it. You find a person who has the same values as you, a Christian ("Be not unequally yoked"), the same goals and direction and then you work at it. You make your marriage great. There are no perfect 10's in the world.

When I'm talking about maintaining your marriage, I'm talking about "be satisfied ... be charmed... be delighted". Part of the problem is that in a lot of relationships, there is no spontaneity in the couple's love life. Men, it's your job to take the initiative. For many people, the sex life in marriage is totally predictable. Same place, same place, same thing, same thing. Time for boredom in the bedroom. Work on the relationship.

You will be attracted, in your life, to other people that you aren't married to, even when you love your husband/wife. What are you supposed to do with that? Redirect that energy, excitement, towards your own mate.

3. Manage your mind. If we were to project on a screen all the thoughts you had in the last week, you'd probably be uncomfortable. Have you ever been praying or in church and the most off the wall thought came into your mind? Where did it come from, you're supposed to be a Christian? It came from Satan. There is a difference between evil thoughts and thoughts of evil. Satan gives us thoughts of evil and they come in and you can't keep those from coming into your mind. But what you do with them is your choice. If you say, "No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm not going to meditate on that" then you haven't sinned.

How do you do that? 2 Timothy 2:22 (Phillips) "Turn your back on lustful desires and give your positive attention to goodness, integrity, love and peace in company with those who approach the Lord in sincerity."

The key to overcoming temptation is to not resist it but to replace it. Don't resist but refocus. Don't fight a feeling. The harder you fight a feeling, the more you nail the nail into the wood. What you resist persists. Instead of fighting and resisting, refocus. Change channels, get up, read a book, turn the TV channel, walk away from the crowd that's telling the dirty joke -- refocus. It says, "Turn your back on lustful desires and give your positive attention to goodness." You cannot fight a feeling. When you start making excuses about something, Satan has got more excuses that you have. He's had thousands of years to argue with hundreds of millions of people. When an off the wall thought comes in, first, don't be intimidated by it. Don't be blown away by it. Satan is going to do it. In fact, the closer you get to the Lord, the more the devil is going to tempt you, the more he's going to try to tempt you. You have to make provision to avoid those situations as much as possible. You restrict your life more and more in those areas. As he gives you those thoughts, it's your choice to either hold on to them or not. Rather than fighting a feeling, refocus, think about something else. Get up, do anything, leave the situation ‑- whatever. Give your attention to positive things. This is the principle of replacement. Think about goodness, integrity, love, peace "... in company with those who approach the Lord in sincerity". If you have a hard time with your thought life, get together with other people of integrity. Be in the company of other people. What you spend your time with you're going to become like. We need Christian men's groups and Christian women's groups.

2 Timothy 4:5 "Keep your head in all situations." Romans 13:14 "Don't think about how to gratify the desires of your sinful nature." Why? Because it starts with a thought. The key is to change the mental channels. What you think ends up becoming action. Wrong thoughts lead to wrong action.

4. Monitor your media intake. If you're serious about affair proofing your marriage, there are some things on TV, radio, movies you just can't watch anymore. Garbage in/garbage out. What you put in your mind is going to come out in your actions.

Psalm 101:3 "I will set no wicked thing before my eyes." Every Christian man/woman ought to make this vow. Just don't look at that kind of stuff. Don't ask what the world thinks. "It's a good movie but it has a few bad scenes but it doesn't affect me." Who are you kidding? Psychologists tell us that our subconscious never forgets anything. Some of those off the wall things that come to you when you're praying are just being drudged up from something you saw in some movie. They are getting more and more bizarre because sin never stands still. We are in a sexually saturated society. We are being bombarded visually every day. In advertising sex sells everything from bananas to batteries. You can't avoid it but you can put a filter on your mind. Don't intentionally look at that kind of stuff. What you see is what you become.

Romans 16:19 "I want you to be wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil." Don't use the excuse, "We need to know what the world thinks like." No, you really don't. John Maxwell, took a TV guide and counted up. In a typical week there were over 50 shows in prime time that dealt with adultery. On TV, you rarely see a husband and wife going to bed. It's either you're not married or you're going to bed with someone else's husband or wife. Immorality is always portrayed. I'm looking for a married couple that enjoys each other. What you see and what you hear is going to inevitably influence you. You must monitor your media intake.

5. Minimize the opportunity to be tempted. I Corinthians 10:12 "So be careful if you're thinking `I'd never behave like that'. Let this be a warning to you or you too may fall into sin." Matthew 26:41 "Keep watch and pray that you fall not into temptation." We're to stay alert, avoid it! You need to be aware of what kinds of situations tempt you and then avoid those things. When you're in a situation, pray, right on the spot! Ask God to help you.

Story about a young guy coming to a pastor, "I've got a problem. My date and I, every night, are going too far." Pastor said, "How does it happen?" Guy, "It happens in the same place every night. We're park out in front of her parent's house." Pastor said, "It's real simple. Tomorrow night, after you finish your date and you park, before you really get going, say to your date, `Let's just hold hands and pray before we commit this immorality.'" Guy said, "No, that would ruin it all!" That's exactly right. You have to decide if you want to avoid it or not.

I Cor. 15:33 "Bad company corrupts good character". People who condone adultery, affairs, immorality, talk about lust, tell dirty jokes and encourage each other to do that are not your real friends. What they're trying to do is destroy you. They don't realize it, but that's what they're doing. The Bible says avoid them. Not because you think you're too good for them, but because you're not good enough. Nobody can handle the constant barrage of people always encouraging you to be immoral. You need to make sure that your most faithful friends, are those who are most committed to their own marriages.

Most affairs happen between couples. Two couples enjoying each other, but one couple isn't as committed to their marriage as much as you are. And that's the number one cause of affairs. The second cause is the people you work with. The third is relatives of a spouse. Minimize the opportunity.

6. Maintain the proper relationships with the opposite sex. You need to be aware where most affairs start -- between couples who get to know each other. A husband gets attracted to someone else's wife or vice versa. They happen between co-workers and between relatives of your spouse. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality." Be careful not to send mixed messages to the people around you. There is appropriate behavior and there is inappropriate behavior with people of the opposite sex. You need to be aware that in the business work place there are sexual games and innuendos going on at all times. The looks, stares, hugs, pats, jokes, inferences, teasing. Stay away from it.

1. Don't participate in office games. Be consistent. You claim to be a Christian and you're flirting with the opposite sex, you're asking for it.

2. Diffuse electric situations. Have you ever been talking with someone of the opposite sex and all of a sudden you realize there is something more going on than just talking? You know she is attracted to you as a man and she knows you're attracted to her as a female. There's something going on. An immoral person would often step closer in that kind of situation. You need to back away, diffuse it. One of the quickest ways is just turn your body a little bit so that the focus is taken off that person. It says to her "I'm not interested." I don't do this just for my wife's benefit. I do it for my benefit, to reinforce me and to let anyone else know "Don't even think about it!" As you publicly proclaim your love to your mate, you're sending the signal, "I'm not available. It's not an option in my life."

3. Avoid prolonged stares. When you're talking to somebody of the opposite sex and there are prolonged stares, it sends signals. You need to turn the signal away.

4. A lingering touch. Watch how you touch the opposite sex. There is appropriate touch and there's inappropriate touch. Reserve your hugs for people you know won't question it. If you have an attraction to somebody in a sexual way, definitely don't hug them. Touching the face is the most intimate kind of touch next to foreplay kind of touch. Don't touch the opposite sex's face. It sends out all kinds of signals.

5. Don't listen to complaints about another person's spouse if you're the opposite sex. It's tempting to be a good listener. If a woman comes to you it's natural to want to sympathize and think, "I could make her happy." But immediately suggest that the opposite sex person go to somebody of the same sex. Change the subject immediately. Make it real clear you're not open to talk about this

6. Be aware of immoderate dress. A book by David Semands, a famous counselor, told of a woman who came in for counseling dressed in a skimpy halter top and shorts and setting in a very seductive way. He confronted her, "It's obvious from your behavior that you're trying to arouse me sexually. I want you to know you've done a good job of it. I'm aroused. Now, what are you going to do about it." She began crying and admitted she had a problem with this and was always trying to build herself up by gaining the attraction of other men.

7. Magnify the consequences. Minimize the benefits. The Bible says, "There is pleasure in sin for a season but it does not last." Proverbs 6:32 "The man who commits adultery is an utter fool for he destroys his own soul." Proverbs 6:26 "Adultery will cost a man all he has." Discipline builds vitality. In sports, when you're about to play a game you work out. You discipline yourself. You work out to get ready for the game. You've got to discipline yourself so that you're at your best in the game. That's true of sex in your marriage. The more you play by God's rules, the more vital your relationship is going to be to your wife. The less you play by God's rules the more diffused your relationship is going to be. Discipline builds vitality.

I Thessalonians 4:3 & 6 "This is God's will that He wants you to be holy and completely free from immorality. The Lord will punish those who do such wrong." You need to ask yourself when you get to stage one, "Will this be worth it?" Absolutely not. Immorality is extremely shortsighted. It's temporary gratification. There are all kinds of destructive things. There are emotional damages, guilt, disillusionment, sexual relationships outside of marriage never last, they destroy marriages. Most remarriages start because of affairs. Spiritually, it breaks fellowship with God and brings judgement on your life. God is serious about this. He takes a hard line. Some might say, "I've committed an affair and God didn't do anything." God doesn't settle all of His accounts in thirty days. Just because you think you got away with it for a while, you need to repent, change your mind, go back and build your own marriage.

I have been tempted by other women. Yet, by God's grace, the only woman I've ever known is my wife. I'm proud of that fact. By God's grace, I plan to be faithful the rest of my life. Why? Because of three things:

1. I love Jesus Christ. I love Him with my whole heart and I owe Him everything that I have. The Bible says, "If you love Me, keep my commands."

2. I love my wife and kids. The thought of hurting my wife, Penny, or my kids is almost unbearable to me.

3. I fear God's judgement. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:6 "Through the fear of the Lord a man avoids evil." You may be thinking you can get away with it because nobody will ever know, but God knows. The Bible says, one day we'll stand before Him. I want to stand before Him clean.

I realize in this group there are two groups I need to talk to.

One, those of you who have fallen in the past. I want to say, You can be forgiven. God is a gracious God. He's the God of the second chance. You can start over. The Bible says, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they can be as white as snow." This has been a tough session for you to go through. If you've been in an affair and you confess it, God forgives you and you don't ever have to bring it up again. But you need to take these steps to prevent it in the future. You can start over. If you're in a relationship right now, start now. Call them up right now. Say, "It's over."

The other group is those of you who are singles. I want to challenge you to save yourself for marriage. Most of the sexual problems I've seen in counseling in marriage have come because of guilt in relationships prior to marriage with their husband or wife. Sex outside of marriage causes all kinds of problems.

Affair proof yourself, affair proof your spouse. Make it your goal that your marital grass is so green, that all the other grass looks brown. I have seen some relationships that the other grass looks green because the grass at home looks like asphalt. Maybe one of the most spiritual things you can do is go home and make love to your wife in a tender way, in a way she needs it. If she doesn't need it at that point, just show her affection.

An article, in Bottom Line which is printed by Boardroom Reports which prints for executives, "How to Make Your Marriage Last Forever". This is not a Christian magazine. The last thing says, "Be faithful. Faithfulness is the triumph of culture over human nature. Adultery doesn't work. It creates distance. It destroys trust and fails to solve the underlying problems that led to adultery in the first place." Don't get involved in it.

HOW TO AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE, FBI Sermon Notes The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 11 of 12 Exodus 20:14 & Selected Bobby Earls, First Baptist Church of Icard, 12/27/1998 Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery." 1. THE PROBLEM "Adultery is a trap . . ." Prroverbs 22:14 (GN) "Keep watch, and pray so that you will not fall intotemptation." Matthew 26:41 (GN) What causes affairs? * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ * _____________________________________________ II. THE PROCESS OF IMMORALITY "Temptation is the pull of a person's own evil thoughts and wishes. These evil thoughts led to evil actionsand afterwards to death." James 1:14-15 (LB) How Affairs Develop * Step One: Accepting sinful thoughts in your mind. * Step Two: _________________________________________ * Step Three: ________________________________________ * Step Four: ________________________________________ III. THE PATHWAY BACK TO PURITY 1) Acknowledge ______________________________________ "O loving and kind God, have mercy . . . take away the awful stain of my transgressions . . . cleanse me from this guilt . . . For I admit my shameful deed -- it haunts me day and night. It is against you that I have sinned. . . " Psalm 51:1-4 (LB) 2) End the relationship _________________________________ "Now is the time . . . Today if you hear God's voice speaking to you, do not harden your heart against Him . . ." Heb 3:15 (LB) 3) Do whatever it takes to ______________________________ ALL contact with that person from now on. "The wrong desiresthat come into your life aren't anything new and different. Many others have faced exactly the same problems before you. And no temptation is irresistible . . . God will show you how to escape. . ." 1 Corinthians 10:13 (LB) IV. THE PREVENTIVE STEPS 1) Make a commitment to ______________________________ "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your Word." Psalms 119:9 "Close your heart to every love but mine; hold no one in your arms but me." Song of Solomon 8:6 (GN) 2) Maintain __________________________________________ "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse . . . or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan." 1 Corinthians 7:5 (Ph) "Drink from your own well my won -- be faithful and true to your wife . . . Let her charms and breasts satisfy you. Let Her love alone fill you with delight." Proverbs 5:15, 18 (LB) 3) Manage __________________________________________ "Turn your back on lustful desires and give your positive attention to goodness, integrity, love and peace in company with those who approach the Lord in sincerity." 2 Tim. 2:22 (Ph) "Keep your head in all situations." 2 Timothy 4:5 "Don't think about how to gratify the desires of your sinful nature." Romans 13:14 4) Monitor __________________________________________ "I will set before my eyes no vile and vulgar thing." Ps. 101:3 "I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil." Romans 16:19 5) Minimize__________________________________________ "So be careful. If you are thinking, `Oh, I would never behave like that -- let this be a warning to you.' For you too may fall into sin." 1 Cor. 10:12 (LB) "Bad company corrupts good character." 1 Cor. 15:33 6) Maintain __________________________________________ "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality . . ." Ephesians 5:3 7) Magnify__________________________________________ "The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul." Proverbs 6:32 ". . . adultery will cost a man all he has." Provervs 6:26 (GN) "This is God's will for you; He wants you to be holy and completely free from immorality . . . The Lord will punish those who do such wrongs." 1 Thesselonians 4:3+6 (GN)

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