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HOW TO AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE
The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 11 of 12
Exodus 20:14 & Selected
Bobby Earls, First Baptist Church of Icard, 12/27/98, (A Sermon Series developed by Rick Warren)
We're going to look at how to affair proof your marriage.
Statistics tell us from a secular magazine that over half of all non-Christian men will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage and nearly one-half of all women.
And this is increasing as more and more women get into the work place.
There are a lot of unprincipled people out there ready to tempt both you and your spouse.
Temptation is everywhere.
This morning, we're going to look at preventative techniques: how to affair proof yourself and how to affair proof your spouse.
We'll briefly cover the problem -- what causes affairs, the process how it happens.
Then we're going to look at the pathway back.
Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other.
God will judge those who are immoral and who commit adultery."
God says He wants us to be faithful and that He will judge those who are immoral and commit adultery.
1. THE PROBLEM
What causes affairs?
The Bible says in Proverbs 22:14 "Adultery is a trap."
It's easy to fall into.
You've got to beware.
Matthew 26:41 "Keep watch and pray so you won't fall into temptation."
No matter who you are or how long you've been a Christian you need to be aware at any point you could be tempted.
It's easy to fall into a trap.
What causes affairs?
1. Unmet needs.
When any basic need in your mate's life is not being met you're opening the door to temptation.
An unmet need leaves your ripe for temptation.
Often unmet needs are simply due to ignorance.
Not selfishness, just ignorance.
For men, the unmet need is often a sexual need.
For women, the unmet need is often an emotional need.
Most affairs that women have, it's definitely true that it starts with an emotional attachment.
They're not sexually attracted first but emotionally attached.
They find a man that meets their emotional needs.
This is true for many men too.
2. Unfulfilled expectations.
Sometimes there is nothing really wrong with your life and marriage but it somehow turned out differently than you expected.
You begin to feel bitter, cheated, start comparing your spouse.
Whenever you start comparing your spouse, you're in trouble.
Don't do it.
Unfulfilled expectations lead to the attitude of "I have a right!"
As a result they start excusing their behavior.
When you feel cheated, Satan will make sure somebody comes into your path that also feels cheated.
You start giving sympathy to each other.
Satan always puts "understanding" people in your path.
No room for self pity.
Unfulfilled expectations need to be dealt with and realize that they are opening you up for temptation.
3. Underdeveloped self esteem.
Emotional immaturity.
When your husband/wife is emotionally immature you may be the best spouse possible -- a "10" in every area -- but they will still go out and look for an "8" or a "2" because they have a desire, maybe it's poor self esteem.
Example: the husband who was the joke in high school and got all this adulation and adoration and affirmation and now he can't get any strokes.
He starts feeling insecure.
Or the wife who was the cheerleader and popular and now she's stuck at home and nobody even notices she's there.
There is a deep need in everybody to feel attractive, desirable, needed.
It's a self esteem issue.
One of the ways you can affair proof your spouse is build up his/her self esteem so that they don't need strokes from other people.
Another thing about emotional immaturity is the person is who has an affair simply because it's the thrill of the forbidden fruit.
It's like "Don't touch wet paint".
Candid Camera used to put up a sign on a fence that said "Don't look through this hole".
Because of the sign, all kinds of people were stopping and looking.
If it hadn't been for the sign they'd walked right past it.
If you're caught in the trap of emotional immaturity where you feel like you've got to have an affair to prove yourself, I'd say to you, "Grow up!"
4. Unresolved conflict.
Unresolved conflict is a constant source of stress.
You start avoiding your mate.
In a relationship conflict either one of two responses occur: 1) You work it out and you are drawn closer together -- intimacy comes through conflict; or 2) You withdraw and you avoid it.
When you're having conflict typically Satan will put somebody in your life that understands the conflict.
All kinds of flags ought to go up when you say, "I've found somebody at work who understands me."
Watch out!
You should not be talking to somebody of the opposite sex about your marriage problems unless it's in a professional relationship of counselor.
You go to work and start sharing with this person and you say they understand you -- they are "so easy to talk to".
The reason why you don't have any problems communicating with that person is because you don't have any problems with them.
You're in a perfect environment.
The maid comes in and cleans the office each night.
They look their best, you look your best.
You don't live with them 24 hours a day.
The person you think understands you so well at the office, if you married them, a few years later you'd be saying "I can't talk to them.
I don't understand them."
When something's not right at your home, you're not satisfied with your role and you start finding the faults of your partner then you need to be aware.
Deal with it or it will lead to deeper trouble.
5. Uncontrolled thoughts.
We are being fed a constant diet of immorality.
Billboards, movies, TV, magazines, tapes, books, records -- it's all around you.
The Bible says that out of the heart of man comes the evil things.
What you think is what is going to come out in your life.
The way you think determines the way you feel and the way you feel determines the way you act.
Jesus said if a man commits lust in his heart then he's already committed adultery.
Lust is not arousal.
Lust is not appreciation or admiration.
If you're hungry and you walk by a steak -- you say "Wow!" God made men to be attracted to women.
God made women to be attracted to men.
Attraction is not lust.
Lust is when you begin to linger on that and mentally commit an affair or adultery with that person.
It's not the initial attraction.
It's the second look.
6. Unprotected lifestyle.
Living a life where you've got improper relationships with the opposite sex.
One of the things that leaves you unprotected is fatigue.
When you're tired your defenses are down.
You are much more vulnerable to temptation when you're fatigued, after you've had a major disappointment, failure, letdown.
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