The Bedroom: Battleground or Playground?

Genesis 2. Whenever I look at this passage, I'm always reminded of the story of the pastor who was going to speak on this passage. He had one of these loose leaf Bibles. He stood to speak, came over to the podium and the page that he was going to preach on fell on the ground and he was unaware of it. He stood and started reading the scripture, "And Adam said to Eve... " and he flipped a page and it was obviously out of order. "`And Adam said to Eve...' very interesting, it looks like a leaf is missing."

We're going to talk about the subject of sex this morning. Genesis 2:22 & 25 (Living Bible) "Then God made a woman and brought her to man. `This is it!' Adam exclaimed. The man and his wife were both naked but neither was embarrassed or ashamed." Don't you love Adam's reaction the first time he sees a woman? Beautiful garden atmosphere, no clothes, "This is it!" Literally "Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh." The KJV say, “Now.” I always kid couples I am counseling for marriage when we look at this passage. I tell them Adam said “Wow!” The best Hebrew translation of the phrase is "Hey, Hey!"

The fact it says, "...neither was embarrassed or ashamed." We forget that it was God who invented sex, not Hugh Heffner. It was God's idea, He created it. We should not be ashamed to talk about what God was not ashamed to create. Why did God make sex?

1) For unity

2) For pleasure

3) For children

1. For Unity. It's a bond between a husband and a wife. Five times in the Bible it says, "They were of one flesh... you will become one flesh." It's a communication tool when words don't work. It is a physical expression of a spiritual and emotional reality. The two become one. The first purpose of sex is not to produce children, it is to produce unity between the husband and the wife.

2. For Pleasure. God says, I created it for your enjoyment, mutual enjoyment of both the husband and the wife. It's a gift.

3. For Children. "Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth." That's the only command man has been able to keep.

The sad thing for most couples, the only purpose of sex in their marriage is this third one. They have kids to show for it. But there is no unity, no harmony, no pleasure. Instead there is anger, frustration, hurt, misunderstanding. What do you do? The Bible says there are three keys to enjoyment. And the Bible is a little more reliable than Dr. Ruth.

1. The right attitude

2. The right atmosphere

3. The right adjustments

1. THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

More problems are caused by the wrong attitudes regarding sexual relationships than anything else. Your attitudes determines your action. Unfortunately, it is very easy to pick up wrong attitudes about sex. You pick them up on the school yard, in the media, from your parents, bad experiences, trauma. But these wrong attitudes affect your actions.

How do you get the right attitudes? By accepting what God says about it. And God has said a lot about it. I Timothy 4:4 "For everything God created is good and nothing is to be rejected, but all is to be received with a prayer of thanks." That includes your sexuality. God made you a sexual being. It's part of who you are, part of your identity. Accept it without guilt or shame. Sexual relationships, in marriage, are not a sin. Not even a necessary evil. God says it's good, it's planned, it's a part of life.

Love making between a husband and a wife is an honorable activity. Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is honorable and the marriage bed undefiled". The Greek word for “bed” here is “coitus” which is sexual intercourse. What the Bible is saying here is that it's not dirty, not bad, not evil, not even a necessary evil. It's a good thing.

One woman said "Before I got married, I was taught all my life, whenever it comes to sex, it's `No, no, no'. Then I went through a thirty minute ceremony, was given a piece of paper and all of a sudden it's `Yes, yes, yes'. I'm having a hard time making the mental switch." The fact is, as parents, we should not be teaching our children, "No, no." We should be teaching them "Wait, wait." The right time.

The Bible says that God wants you, if you're married, to enjoy your mate. Proverbs 5:18-19 "Be happy, yes, rejoice in your wife. Let her tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight." The Bible is very explicit about sex. And the Bible says you're to enjoy each other. Circle "delight". That is one of the strongest words in Hebrew. Other translations of this word: "be consumed, captivated, intoxicated, be ravished, be transported by her love." Knox translation, "Let her steal away your senses." He's talking about one bunch of fun! Be exhilarated! It is God's will that your sexual relationship in marriage is a mutual, satisfying and exhilarating relationship.

The Bible teaches that sex, when properly used in marriage, glorifies God. I Corinthians 6:20 "Use every part of your body to glorify God." Circle "every part". What is the context here? Paul is talking about sex. He says you can use every part of your body to glorify God. When God made you, He didn't make some parts of your body good and

some parts of your body bad -- some parts to be ashamed of and some to be OK about. It's all good. One survey said that 40% of Christian women said the number one hang up in their sexual relationship was inhibition. God says, "Use every part of your body to glorify God."

God says sex is OK in marriage. In fact, sex in marriage pleases God. He doesn't just tolerate it, He delights in it. He doesn't close His eyes when a couple makes love or turn His back. He says, "This is what I made these creatures for. This is what I made them to do. I planned it. It was my idea." So He's not offended. When God's attitude becomes your attitude about sex in marriage then a lot of your problems are going to vanish.

Redbook magazine took a national survey. They discovered a surprising fact. "The greater the intensity of a woman's spiritual convictions, the more likely she is to be highly satisfied with sexual pleasures in her marriage." Sexuality and spirituality go together. The most sexually fulfilled women according to this survey, were the most spiritual women, because there was no contradiction.

Illustration of Dr. C.W. Farrar sharing with me his definition of sexual intercourse. “A man and a woman with God in the middle.” A husband and a wife with God in the middle.”

After you've got the right attitude then you've got to work on...

2. THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE

Song of Solomon 6:12 (Good News) "You have made me eager for love." Circle "eager". You need to realize that atmosphere is much more important to women than it is to men. Men are notorious for being unconcerned and underestimating the value of atmosphere. They can be totally unaware of it. It doesn't matter to them.

But women are very conscious of the context of a relationship. Atmosphere makes a big difference to them. In case some of you husbands are a little dense, here's a checklist of environmental concerns for you. Any or all of these may apply or you can ask your wife for a personalized list: The curtain is not shut tight enough, the door is not strong enough, the light is too bright, the light is too dark (buy a dimmer), it's too hot, it's too cold, you need to shave, you need a shower, you need to brush your teeth, the kids are still up...

You need to be concerned about the atmosphere. it makes a difference. Men, you also need to realize that your wife needs time to prepare herself emotionally. Men and women are simply wired differently. When it comes to sex, men are like a light switch -- they

turn on very quickly. Women are more like an iron -- it takes time to warm up. Another way: the difference between a microwave and a crock pot. It takes time.

Fortunately, God put an entire book in the Bible simply for the purpose of demonstrating, illustrating and explaining the ingredients of the right atmosphere. It's called the Song of Solomon. There are different atmosphere factors:

· privacy,

· unhurried time -- if you try to sandwich sex between two busy schedules like a piece of baloney between two pieces of bread there is not going to be all that God wants it to be.

· attractive attire

· affectionate touching

· special places for the two of you

· fragrances -- perfume. God gave you five senses and it's OK to use all of them.

· intimate talk

· total commitment -- "I am my beloved's and he is mine." Unashamedly, without guilt, total commitment to each other.

The affection is the atmosphere. Sex is the event. Atmosphere you need all day -- the moments of tenderness and kindness, the calling on the phone, the notes, the flowers, the pat on the back, the kiss good bye, the helping with the responsibilities, the sharing of life -- building a warm atmosphere of affection. In that atmosphere of affection is the culmination of the event. It's not one without the other.

3. MAKE THE RIGHT ADJUSTMENTS

I Corinthians 7:3-4 "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife. And each should satisfy the other's needs. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body doesn't belong to him alone, but also to his wife.

When you married, you gave your mate rights to your body. That's what it means to be married -- heart, soul, body. That's why, if you're single, it's very important that you carefully consider who you're going to marry. You don't want to marry somebody that you're not willing to give rights to your body to. That's what marriage is. The Bible says, "The two shall become one."

The Bible says you are to use your body to meet the sexual needs of your mate. Your body for their needs. That's the exact opposite of what the world says. The world's attitude toward sex is summarized like this: What and how much can I have and how soon can I have it? (Tony Evans says most men are like a bunch of dogs. Going with

every other dog in heat and taking no responsibility for the liter of puppies he creates. God didn’t make you like a dumb dog. God created you with intelligence. Use it!)

The Bible says you ought to be saying: What can I give? How can I best meet your needs? It is an unselfish focusing on the other person, thinking of their needs, what they need. The husband is to do that and the wife is to do that.

Every couple struggles to adjust in their sexual relationship. "Studies have revealed that satisfactory adjustment of sexual relations takes the average couple about six years. Twelve percent of the couples were able to make satisfactory adjustments within the first year of marriage. About ten person took up to twenty years to arrive at the adjustments that gave them a satisfying love life."

The point is, don't give up. Maybe you've had some bad experiences, maybe you've been frustrated, maybe you're not communicating. Don't just set it on the shelf. You're cheating both of you. It's not what God wants. The Bible says that we're to satisfy each other's needs because we're to give ourselves to each other.

There's a myth that goes around a lot that says, Love making is just a matter of doing what comes naturally. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing. Dr. Ed Wheat, a top authority on this said, "If you do what comes naturally in your sexual relationship, most of the time you'll be 100% wrong." It's an art, a skill, something you adjust to in your marriage because two people are very different.

I Peter 3:7 "You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs." Husbands, you're to pay attention to your wife's needs. Understand them. Ray Ortland said, "If you don't learn what makes your wife tick, you'll learn what makes her ticked."

Here’s one woman's idea of women’s needs: "Women in their pre-teens need loving. In their teens they need fun. In their twenties they need romance. In their thirties they need admiration. In their forties they need security. In their fifties they need cash."

If you're going to adjust, you must talk about it. You must talk about your sexual relationship. You must be open and frank and discuss freely. Everybody in the world is talking about sex except couples. They are the ones who ought to be talking about it. You need to discuss your frustrations and talk openly about your needs and what you like and what you don't like and what best helps you and what best helps your partner. You've got to be willing to learn, to experiment, to be coached by your mate. Most of us think we know more about our mate's bodies than we do. We need to be open and honest.

I Corinthians 7:7 (Phillips) "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual relations unless you both decide to abstain temporarily to make special time for prayer. But afterwards you should resume relations as before or you will expose yourselves to the obvious

temptations of Satan." Many couples fall into the trap of hurting each other or manipulating each other by withholding sexual relations. The Bible says, Don't do it! Sex is not to be used as a weapon, a club. It's not to be used as a reward. Don't cheat yourselves of normal relations unless you both decide. The only time that sex is not to be done is if you both mutually decide to temporarily abstain to make special time for prayer. You may go off and have a couple days of prayer and fasting and you both agree on it. But after that, you need to come back together and resume normal relations.

He's making this very clear. Withholding sex from your mate just because you don't need it, is sin. It's that clear. It's cheating your mate because they have a right. You say, "I don't feel like it." Then find out why you don't feel like it and take the appropriate response. It may be a biological problem, may be a technique problem, may be an emotional problem. It may be you need to put more time in your schedule. Whatever. But it's not a legitimate excuse to say, "I don't feel like it," and therefore forget that my mate has needs. The Bible says that is sin.

One of the big problems today is that spouses are apart more than ever before. Business trips, long commutes -- you don't see each other. Many times it's difficult to arrange your schedule.

Husband and wife were setting at the breakfast table. Husband is reading the paper. The wife said, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" The husband puts his paper down and says, "I don't know. Did we get a Christmas card from them?"

You've got to make time. Rick Warren says his solution is to have a balanced diet. There are times when you and your spouse need a snack. There are times when you need a dinner. There are times when you need a banquet. A snack maybe is five minutes. A dinner may be ten to twenty minutes. A banquet is anything over a half an hour. Men, man shall not live by snacks alone. Men, if you are feeding your wife and keeping her on a diet of snacks, you are emotionally and physically and spiritually causing her to be malnourished. No woman can be the person God wants her to be or respond to her husband the way God wants her to respond to her husband if you're just keeping her on a diet of snacks. You need to make time. You need a balanced diet. There's a place for all three.

The Bible teaches that either partner can initiate making love. We are to meet each other's needs. Why does God state this so strongly. "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual relations." Why does He say it so strongly? "...or you will expose yourself to the obvious temptation of Satan." If you ignore your mate's physical, spiritual, emotional, and sexual needs do you realize what you're doing to your marriage? Do you realize how dangerous that is? God says it's very dangerous. If you don't create a magnet in the home, Satan will make sure there's a magnet provided outside of the home. And they're everywhere. In a society today where the divorce rate is climbing to the 50% mark, psychologists say

that the hidden agenda in a lot of divorces is conflict over frequency. In a society where immorality is rampant the best protection you can have for your marriage is a vital -- not just stable -- but an exhilarating sexual relationship. God says that's good. Sex outside of marriage causes all kinds of problems. But in the proper perspective in marriage, God says that's what it is meant to be.

I challenge you to make the marital grass in your marriage so green that all the other grass looks brown. One guy said, "Why should I go looking for a VW on the side when I've got a Cadillac at home?" Do not deprive each other.

Ladies, when you go on a diet, how often are you hungry? How often do you think about food? You have just a glimpse of what your husband's hormones do to him when you've got him on a diet.

I want to challenge you today that you would become such a lover of your husband and such a lover to your wife that it would make them say, "I would be crazy to give this up. It would be absolute stupidity to look anywhere else." If you're willing to do this you'll have the kind of relationship I've got here in a couple of letters:

One from a husband 33 years married:

I love the warm times when we first wake up in the morning. Even now that we're in our 50's and 60's I feel the same soft love I did when we were first married. But most of all, when we're enjoying a good time together, and my wife is really laughing outside and inside, I can see the lovely young girl, the nice person she is and was, smiling through her face. That's as sexy as anyone can get after 33 years.

Another from this wife who has also been married a long time:

It's a surprise, macho thing, swinging me off my feet, giving me his jacket so I won't get cold. But it goes beyond romance to raw physicality. I may flinch when he squeezes my knee but I'm glad he still does. I may chide him for suggestive talk, but I secretly relish it. Laughing can be sexy. Talking, intellect can be sexy. The sexiest thing of all though is privacy. The mystery of sex. Like Rhett Butler carrying Scarlet up the stairs. We don't have stairs, but we still have that sacred mystery.

Do you know that God, if you're married, wants you to be a sexy mate to your spouse. It is a part of His plan for your life. It is not bad, vulgar, embarrassing. Why are we talking about this in church? It's the place we ought to be talking about it. The whole world is saying the wrong thing about it. If my kids are going to learn it, they're going to learn it here, not anywhere else. This is an important area of your life you can't ignore. For many of you, this has been a painful message to hear. You think of hurt, misunderstanding,

distrust. This is a real stumbling block to satisfaction in your marriage. You cannot be all that God wants you to be as a wife or as a husband and your marriage cannot be all that God wants it to be unless you talk about your sexual relationship. Sexual problems don't go away. They must be dealt with.

You who are single, thank you for putting up with ten weeks of a marriage series. That takes incredible grace and maturity. If God ever does call you into a marriage, you'll be glad you came to this series. In the future I will deal with singleness and sexuality. But the Bible says, this is for marriage. Outside of marriage it causes all kinds of emotional scars. Part of the problems people have in marriage is the experiences they had prior to marriage. I challenge you to follow God's rules on this.

Prayer:

Maybe you need to pray, "God, I need to ask You to forgive me for my wrong attitude about sex." It's not dirty, it's holy. Would you say that? "Help me to see it the way You see it. Help me have Your attitude toward sex." Some of you need to say, "Father, forgive me for not meeting the needs of my wife/husband." The Bible says you have a responsibility to use your body to meet the needs of your mate. They have a responsibility to use their body to meet your needs. Pray in your heart, "God, help me to have the right attitude. Help us to create the right atmosphere. Help us to work on this area of our lives, frankly discuss it so that we would not expose ourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan. Help us to create the atmosphere that shows the exhilarating kind of love that marriage is to model as Jesus had for the church. Help us to make the right adjustments." If books and tapes don't help, get some help. Some of you have shelved this whole area of your life in your marriage. You need to reconsider it and say, "Let's work on it." You have no idea how good it can become if you'll give it time and follow what God says.

Father, I want to thank You for these people. Thank You for these homes and I ask Your blessing on the couples that are here. I ask You to protect their marriages. May they find mutual satisfaction, that they work on the right attitudes and atmosphere and adjustments. I pray for those who are here that are single, that You would help them follow Your standards, realizing that Your ways are the best, they are for our own protection and good. When we violate them they only cause harm to ourselves. Thank You. In Jesus' name. Amen.

THE BEDROOM: BATTLEGROUND OR PLAYGROUND?

FBI Sermon Notes

The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 10 of 12

Genesis 2:22 & 25, Bobby Earls, First Baptist Church of Icard

A Sermon Series developed by Rick Warren.

Genesis 2:22, 25 (LB) "Then God made . . . a woman and brought her to the man. `This is it!' Adam exclaimed . . . The man and his wife were both naked, but neither was embarrassed or ashamed."

Why God Created Sex

* To promote (Eph. 5:31)

* To provide (Pr. 5:18-19)

* To produce (Gen. 1:28)

3 KEYS TO ENJOYMENT

1. The right ___________________________________________

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected, but all is to be received with a prayer of thanks."

1 Timothy 4:4 (GN)

"Marriage is honorable and the marriage bed undefiled." Hebrews 13:4

"Be happy, yes rejoice in your wife . . . Let her . . . tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight."

Proverbs 5:18-19 (LB)

"Use every part of your body to glorify God."

2. The right ___________________________________________

". . . You have made me eager for love . . ."

Song of Solomon 6:12 (GN)

Creating the Atmosphere

(Song of Solomon - Good News Translation)

* Privacy (2:5)

* Unhurried time (5:1b)

* Complimenting (1:15-16)

* Attractive attire (4:9, 11)

* Affectionate touching (2:6)

* Special places (7:12)

* Fragrances (1:12)

* Intimate talk (4:16)

* Total commitment (8:6-7)

3. The right ___________________________________________

"A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. The wife's body doesn't belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body doesn't belong to him alone but also to his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (GN/NIV)

"You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs . . ." 1 Peter 3:7 (LB)

"Do not cheat each other of normal sexual relations, unless you both decide to abstain temporarily to make special time for prayer. But afterwards you should resume relations as before, or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptations of Satan." 1 Corinthians 7:7 (Ph)

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