Dating: How To Date

Review

The Purpose of dating is evaluation to see if the person is someone you want to marry.

Dating is not a means in itself but a means to an end…a process to move through that ultimately should have the goal of leading to marriage.

The two things you need to be looking for in a spouse is someone who has godly character and someone you have fun and easy chemistry with.

Now, let me clarify and answer again some common questions some of you had last week regarding dating.

Some of these questions we got to and some we did not have time to answer…so I want to address them as we move forward...

Try to think of these answers as not “do’s and don’ts” of outward conformity…but rather asking, in what way can I best glorify God and make wise choices according to His will that has been revealed in His word?

Is it ok to date a non-Christian?

No, God makes clear in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 that we should not be unequally yoked with non-believers.

Is it ok to pursue someone in a romantic relationship in one on one scenarios if I am in middle school/High School?

Remember what the purpose of dating is…if you are not ready to get married...then is it the wisest thing to date if you cannot fulfill the purpose of dating…which is to evaluate if this person is someone you want to marry?

Personal opinion…There is no point in Middle school or your Freshman and Sophomore year to date. When you get to be maybe 17 or 18 you may have more of a case that you are ready to get married…plus you have the benefit of dating with your parents supervision and involvement…however…personally I would say that its wiser to wait until you get to college and start to figure out your career/life path.

Caveat…just because you get to college or a certain age does not necessarily mean you are ready to get married.

One practical question to ask is am I financially, emotionally, and spiritually ready to propose to my future spouse (or say yes to) in the next 6 months? If the answer is no…then you do not need to date…IMO.

What does it mean to be modest?

Simply ask the question, why am I wearing what I am wearing? Is it to get attention from the opposite sex? If so, its probably not the best thing to wear.

You also need to consider how the way you dress effects others. Is what you are wearing making temptation greater for your brother or sister?

Practical suggestions of things you should not be wearing:

clothing that exposes your stomach or back or expose or your undergarments when you move around.

Jeans, shirts, and leggings that may not visibly expose your back and stomach but are skin tight that expose the features of your legs, backside, chest, and arms.

Ladies shirts that expose your chest especially when you bend over.

You don’t want to have to worry about what is going to happen with your clothes when you move around…or have to hike up your pants and shirts constantly after normal movements.

Does making sure someone is running the same pace as me mean they need to have the same spiritual maturity and knowledge that I do?

You mentioned many times about asking/checking with your parents about things…what if my parents are not Christians?

The Process of Dating

Dating is more like navigating across an ocean than it is like assembling a desk from IKEA.

There are no exact, step by step instructions that the Bible gives for dating, instead there are tools and principles that…if you apply them correctly…will help you navigate the course of the unpredictable waters of dating.

7 Principles on How to Date

1. Prayer

We are often anxious and fearful when it comes to dating…not being rejected....not being asked out…not saying the right things…etc.

But if we are bringing God into the process from the outset, the God of peace will quiet our restless spirit as we trust in Him to know that He is the one who establishes our step and will guide our future.

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 37:23-24 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.”

When we are resting in Christ, we can be free to enjoy the process of dating and know that our good God is guiding us every step of the way as we submit to Him and allow Him to lead us.

2. Clarity

If you find someone who you are attracted to, who is pursuing Christ at the same pace you are, and you want to get to know them. The first place to start is to seek to be intentional to get to know them in group settings with other peers.

This will give you an opportunity to assess their character from a distance and still get to know them as well.

If you are still interested in getting to know them after observing and enjoying their company in a group setting, the next step is initiating with clarity.

We need clarity in initiating the dating process.

Guys, you need to initiate…and women prefer men to ask them out IN PERSON-Man Up!

Be clear on what you are asking… “hang out” or “grab dinner” is too ambiguous…maybe saying, “would you like to go on a date with me.” is the best method as it makes clear to girl what it is and why you are asking her out for coffee/etc.

We need clarity during the dating process.

First date is free.

After the first date…you should know if you want to continue to get to know her and she has the characteristics you are looking for in a future spouse…therefore you need to leave her with something before dropping her off.

“I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight, I would love to continue to get to know you, can I call you again?”

This takes out the questioning and ambiguity on the part of the girl.

If you did not feel this way…provide clarity and tell her that you enjoyed hanging out but you don’t see this going anywhere other than a friendship.

We need clarity in exiting the process.

Guys, make sure to give your sister in Christ an exit door every so often through the dating process.

Maybe saying something like… “I want you to know that if at any point you don’t feel comfortable with this, please let me know you have every right to say that to me and we can be done. I trust the Lord with my life. I trust the Lord with your life. So, If any of this feels off or uncomfortable to you, then we will just stop this process. No pressure.”

Ladies, you need to be honest and not beat around the bush if you don’t want to continue the dating process.

Maybe saying something like this... “You know, you seem like a great guy, but I just can’t see this going anywhere. But thank you for the invitation.”

Ben Stewart says, “Believers in Jesus don’t need to play games.” Be clear in the process!

3. Autonomy

Elephant in the room: Does God recognize that there is such a status as “boyfriend and girlfriend?”

According to Scripture, It seems that there are two categories, brothers and sisters in Christ and then a more intimate relationship of husband and wife.

When we follow cultural created categories of “boyfriend and girlfriend” this can create rules and expectations that can make things difficult and confusing...

The girl might say… “Why didn’t you call me last night? You are supposed to call me every night since you are my boyfriend.”

The guy might say, “Why do you have plans this weekend? I thought since we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we always hang out on the weekends together.”

Guys, when you view the girl as your sister in Christ, you will know you are not allowed to touch her in certain ways…but often times when she becomes your “girlfriend,” you think that gives you the freedom to become more physical with her.

But again, according to Scripture, there is no intermediate sphere…they are either your brother or sister in Christ or your husband or wife.

Creating this new category is where you guys often get so confused....because we are making dating a status more than a process.

You think, “I can hang in this zone and get certain privileges and enjoy the perks while not having to make the commitment and responsibility of marriage” …But this is how and when most people get hurt.

What about “defining the relationship…and making it official?”

Why do you feel like you need to do that? What’s the purpose?

You are seeking the comfort to lock her down and make her off limits to other guys without the commitment of loving, providing, and protecting her.

Ultimately, it will work itself out naturally that the more time you spend with one another, you will begin to only exclusively date one another and no one else because you will only want to spend time with each other the more you grow in your relationship with one another.

You may be thinking… so is it wrong to even use these terms? Not necessarily…just depends on what you mean by them.

If you mean this to imply you have certain rights over their body and privileges that no one else has…you should not use these terms…because according to God’s word you have no biblical warrant for such.

But you can use these terms if you both understand you have no claim on the person’s life, this person is not yours and you will treat them as your brother or sister in Christ and nothing more.

4. Sexual Purity

Introducing sex into dating sabotages the evaluation process and it is blatant disobedience to what God has commanded and intended for sex to be.

When you have sex you become one flesh with that person.

Paul says 1 Corinthians 6:16 “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.””

Therefore, there is no such thing as “casual sex.”

When sexual acts are engaged in, the brain fires dopamine, which is the pleasure chemical in the brain. This makes sex become something that continues to be desired and can become addicting…it is the same neurotransmitter stimulated by addictive drugs.

Also, sex releases the hormone of oxytocin, which deepens our emotional attachment to another. It is the same hormone released when a mother breastfeeds a baby.

Therefore, it will be very hard to evaluate properly whether this person has the qualities you are looking for in a spouse if you have already become emotionally, and physically connected with them through sex.

This is also why it is so hard to break off a relationship with someone who you have been sexually active with…you have literally bonded your mind, body, and spirit with this person.

Today, our culture is defined and consumed with sex…IT…IS…EVERYWHERE.

Another elephant in the room that we must address is pornography.

Stated plainly, pornography and masturbation are forms of sexual immorality that God condemns…because it is engaging in sexual intimacy outside the confines of a covenant marriage b/w a husband and wife.

Pornography receives more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined.

86% of young men report interacting with porn a month and 50% report interacting with it weekly.

31% of young women report accessing pornography online…but girls are still effected by porn even if they are not accessing it…because of the way women are being portrayed on these sites, TV shows, and Movies, it creates two choices: be overtly sexual or be invisible.

Pornography objectifies people and treats them as objects of our sexual pleasure....

It damages children

Creates pre-teens being concerned with body image, self-hate and self-harm.

leads to sexual/child abuse… 1 out of 6 boys and 1 out of 4 girls are sexually abused before 18.

It divides marriages

56% of divorce cases from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers involved one party having an obsessive interest in online pornography.

Just as sex bonds a person with one another, when someone participates in pornography and masturbation, they are bonding not with a person but with a screen.

Because of past experiences with pornography, when men marry, they will not be able to be achieved being aroused by their wife.

It disrupts courtship

creates unrealistic expectations and attitudes about love.

Long hours online increase self-reported awkwardness in young men as they interact with women.

Greatly increases cohabitation and “trying things out” before getting married.

Some Basic Truths we must know about sex.

God created sex and sex is a good thing to be enjoyed.

Lets be clear, God is not anti sex but pro sex. God created sex not just to procreate but to enjoy one another in covenant marriage.

However, God created sex to be enjoyed only between a husband and wife who are in a covenant marriage.

Ben Stewart gives a good example by looking at a fire… “A fire can be helpful and provide warmth in a home if it is contained in a fire place. However, if it is not contained, it can burn down the home and destroy everything.

Sex is the same way. When kept within proper, God-ordained boundaries, it is a gift that will bring warmth and life to a marriage between a husband and wife. Take it outside of God’s prescribed limits, and it will burn your house down. “

God created us with sexual desires for the opposite sex and these, in and of themselves, are not bad…however, these desires become sinful when we act on them outside the covenant bond between a husband and wife in marriage.

And just to be clear, when God says that sex is only permissible in the context of a covenant marriage between a husband and wife…that includes all sexual acts, not just intercourse (if you need further clarification of what I mean…come ask me after the service).

Again, God is not against sex but against its distortion…why? Because God is pro-people. listen to what he says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”

God makes clear that when we participate in sex we are transgressing and wronging our brother or sister in Christ…we are overstepping our boundary and entering territory that is not ours.

Ben Stewart says, “if that woman is not your wife, or that man is not your husband, then he or she does not belong to you. So if you are having sex with them, you are taking something that belongs to a future mate.”

This is why God has set clear boundaries…so to summarize sex is a good gift that has been created by God to be enjoyed between a husband and wife in covenant marriage…but anything outside of those boundaries (pornography, heterosexual/homosexual immorality, etc.) are sin and rebellion before God

So the next question then is… “ok, I know that sex outside of marriage is sinful, but what about other things besides sexual intercourse? How far is too far? What is permissible?

First, as a Christian, I think you are asking the wrong question. You should not ask, how far can I go without sinning (crossing the line), finding out where the “line” is and running as far away from it as you seek to pursue holiness.

God commands us to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18) and that sexual immorality should not even be named or in the same sentence with us as believers (Ephesians 5:3).

Going back to our autonomy section, if we are viewing each other biblically before marriage, Paul commands men in 1 Timothy to treat older women as mothers and younger women like sisters....so one practical application of what is permissible in dating is to ask…what actions are permissible that I would do with my sister?

GIVE EXAMPLES

Therefore, I believe that there is strong Biblical warrant to suggest that anything that you would not do with your sister or brother is unwise and, In most cases, can probably lead to sexual sin.

CLARIFICATION: I am not going to say that kissing someone before marriage is “wrong” or “sinful”…However, I am 100% going to say that one will be hard pressed to convince me from Scripture that its smart and something you should do…therefore, I see it as unwise and I do not recommend it…you are playing with fire and will likely get burned.

Ultimately, God created our bodies to finish any sexual desire we start…so if we are not married and we cannot finish something we started…why play with fire and start something in the first place?

Example of Ash and I.

One last word…if you have fallen in the area of sexual immorality, this does not have to define you, there is grace, mercy, and forgiveness at the cross of Christ.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

5. Graciously

You need to treat the other person with courtesy and royalty when you spend time with them.

We should seek to build one another up in Christ (Ephesians 4:12-13).

No matter how the dating process ends up, you want that person to say, “I am a better person for having spent time with this person and love Jesus more from being around them.”

Practically, this means you should not obsess about trying to get the other person to like you…but rather get to know them and build them up. Do the things you like to do, go out to dinner, do fun activities, serve in ministry events together…you are not trying to win him or her over to like you…you are trying to evaluate if you two are a good fit…but while you are doing that, ask good questions, share your thoughts honestly, compliment and encourage one another....speak your mind with sincerity and kindness.

Don’t stress too much about trying to impress…dating is for evaluating and blessing. That’s it.

6. Community

You need to have other people that trust and love you involved in the dating process to help give you guidance and direction (Proverbs 11:14; 24:6).

Why would you not want your parents or parents in the faith involved in your dating process? They are the ones that know you the best.

7. Patiently

There should be no rush to “death do us part.”

“Don’t be hasty to lay hands on someone.” (1 Timothy 5:22).

You must take enough time to evaluate character and to see them in their disappointments and shortcomings.

However, you do not need to prolong the process either.

There is really not a “set time” you must date or not go past before you know if this person is the person you want to marry…

However, I would personally say that depending on your season of life…6 months to a year is a good baseline that provides enough time for you to get to know someone’s character and if they are someone you want to marry.

On the other side of the spectrum…in my personal opinion, if you do not know after two years of dating if this person is the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with…either you have not been intentional and gone about the dating process for evaluation or they are probably not the person you should marry.

One piece of advice…date long, engage short…6 months is plenty of time to plan a wedding…at least that’s what Ashley said ;) but there is no reason to make the engagement phase a year or two as that just leaves the door open for greater temptation sexually.