Sermon Tone Analysis

Review

The Purpose of dating is evaluation to see if the person is someone you want to marry.

Dating is not a means in itself but a means to an end…a process to move through that ultimately should have the goal of leading to marriage.

The two things you need to be looking for in a spouse is someone who has godly character and someone you have fun and easy chemistry with.

Now, let me clarify and answer again some common questions some of you had last week regarding dating.

Some of these questions we got to and some we did not have time to answer…so I want to address them as we move forward...

Try to think of these answers as not “do’s and don’ts” of outward conformity…but rather asking, in what way can I best glorify God and make wise choices according to His will that has been revealed in His word?

Is it ok to date a non-Christian?

No, God makes clear in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 that we should not be unequally yoked with non-believers.

Is it ok to pursue someone in a romantic relationship in one on one scenarios if I am in middle school/High School?

Remember what the purpose of dating is…if you are not ready to get married...then is it the wisest thing to date if you cannot fulfill the purpose of dating…which is to evaluate if this person is someone you want to marry?

Personal opinion…There is no point in Middle school or your Freshman and Sophomore year to date.

When you get to be maybe 17 or 18 you may have more of a case that you are ready to get married…plus you have the benefit of dating with your parents supervision and involvement…however…personally I would say that its wiser to wait until you get to college and start to figure out your career/life path.

Caveat…just because you get to college or a certain age does not necessarily mean you are ready to get married.

One practical question to ask is am I financially, emotionally, and spiritually ready to propose to my future spouse (or say yes to) in the next 6 months?

If the answer is no…then you do not need to date…IMO.

What does it mean to be modest?

Simply ask the question, why am I wearing what I am wearing?

Is it to get attention from the opposite sex?

If so, its probably not the best thing to wear.

You also need to consider how the way you dress effects others.

Is what you are wearing making temptation greater for your brother or sister?

Practical suggestions of things you should not be wearing:

clothing that exposes your stomach or back or expose or your undergarments when you move around.

Jeans, shirts, and leggings that may not visibly expose your back and stomach but are skin tight that expose the features of your legs, backside, chest, and arms.

Ladies shirts that expose your chest especially when you bend over.

You don’t want to have to worry about what is going to happen with your clothes when you move around…or have to hike up your pants and shirts constantly after normal movements.

Does making sure someone is running the same pace as me mean they need to have the same spiritual maturity and knowledge that I do?

You mentioned many times about asking/checking with your parents about things…what if my parents are not Christians?

The Process of Dating

Dating is more like navigating across an ocean than it is like assembling a desk from IKEA.

There are no exact, step by step instructions that the Bible gives for dating, instead there are tools and principles that…if you apply them correctly…will help you navigate the course of the unpredictable waters of dating.

7 Principles on How to Date

1. Prayer

We are often anxious and fearful when it comes to dating…not being rejected....not being asked out…not saying the right things…etc.

But if we are bringing God into the process from the outset, the God of peace will quiet our restless spirit as we trust in Him to know that He is the one who establishes our step and will guide our future.

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 37:23-24 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.”

When we are resting in Christ, we can be free to enjoy the process of dating and know that our good God is guiding us every step of the way as we submit to Him and allow Him to lead us.

2. Clarity

If you find someone who you are attracted to, who is pursuing Christ at the same pace you are, and you want to get to know them.

The first place to start is to seek to be intentional to get to know them in group settings with other peers.

This will give you an opportunity to assess their character from a distance and still get to know them as well.

If you are still interested in getting to know them after observing and enjoying their company in a group setting, the next step is initiating with clarity.

We need clarity in initiating the dating process.

Guys, you need to initiate…and women prefer men to ask them out IN PERSON-Man Up!

Be clear on what you are asking… “hang out” or “grab dinner” is too ambiguous…maybe saying, “would you like to go on a date with me.” is the best method as it makes clear to girl what it is and why you are asking her out for coffee/etc.

We need clarity during the dating process.

First date is free.

After the first date…you should know if you want to continue to get to know her and she has the characteristics you are looking for in a future spouse…therefore you need to leave her with something before dropping her off.

“I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight, I would love to continue to get to know you, can I call you again?”

This takes out the questioning and ambiguity on the part of the girl.

If you did not feel this way…provide clarity and tell her that you enjoyed hanging out but you don’t see this going anywhere other than a friendship.

We need clarity in exiting the process.

Guys, make sure to give your sister in Christ an exit door every so often through the dating process.

Maybe saying something like… “I want you to know that if at any point you don’t feel comfortable with this, please let me know you have every right to say that to me and we can be done.

I trust the Lord with my life.

I trust the Lord with your life.

So, If any of this feels off or uncomfortable to you, then we will just stop this process.

No pressure.”

Ladies, you need to be honest and not beat around the bush if you don’t want to continue the dating process.

Maybe saying something like this... “You know, you seem like a great guy, but I just can’t see this going anywhere.

But thank you for the invitation.”

Ben Stewart says, “Believers in Jesus don’t need to play games.”

Be clear in the process!

3. Autonomy

Elephant in the room: Does God recognize that there is such a status as “boyfriend and girlfriend?”

According to Scripture, It seems that there are two categories, brothers and sisters in Christ and then a more intimate relationship of husband and wife.

When we follow cultural created categories of “boyfriend and girlfriend” this can create rules and expectations that can make things difficult and confusing...

The girl might say… “Why didn’t you call me last night?

You are supposed to call me every night since you are my boyfriend.”

The guy might say, “Why do you have plans this weekend?

I thought since we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we always hang out on the weekends together.”

Guys, when you view the girl as your sister in Christ, you will know you are not allowed to touch her in certain ways…but often times when she becomes your “girlfriend,” you think that gives you the freedom to become more physical with her.

But again, according to Scripture, there is no intermediate sphere…they are either your brother or sister in Christ or your husband or wife.

Creating this new category is where you guys often get so confused....because we are making dating a status more than a process.

You think, “I can hang in this zone and get certain privileges and enjoy the perks while not having to make the commitment and responsibility of marriage” …But this is how and when most people get hurt.

What about “defining the relationship…and making it official?”

Why do you feel like you need to do that?

What’s the purpose?

You are seeking the comfort to lock her down and make her off limits to other guys without the commitment of loving, providing, and protecting her.

Ultimately, it will work itself out naturally that the more time you spend with one another, you will begin to only exclusively date one another and no one else because you will only want to spend time with each other the more you grow in your relationship with one another.

You may be thinking… so is it wrong to even use these terms?

Not necessarily…just depends on what you mean by them.

If you mean this to imply you have certain rights over their body and privileges that no one else has…you should not use these terms…because according to God’s word you have no biblical warrant for such.

But you can use these terms if you both understand you have no claim on the person’s life, this person is not yours and you will treat them as your brother or sister in Christ and nothing more.

4. Sexual Purity

Introducing sex into dating sabotages the evaluation process and it is blatant disobedience to what God has commanded and intended for sex to be.

When you have sex you become one flesh with that person.

Paul says 1 Corinthians 6:16 “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.””

Therefore, there is no such thing as “casual sex.”

When sexual acts are engaged in, the brain fires dopamine, which is the pleasure chemical in the brain.

This makes sex become something that continues to be desired and can become addicting…it is the same neurotransmitter stimulated by addictive drugs.

Also, sex releases the hormone of oxytocin, which deepens our emotional attachment to another.

It is the same hormone released when a mother breastfeeds a baby.

Therefore, it will be very hard to evaluate properly whether this person has the qualities you are looking for in a spouse if you have already become emotionally, and physically connected with them through sex.

This is also why it is so hard to break off a relationship with someone who you have been sexually active with…you have literally bonded your mind, body, and spirit with this person.

Today, our culture is defined and consumed with sex…IT…IS…EVERYWHERE.