Biblical Parenting Part II

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

INTRODUCTION

Last week we began our conversation about Biblical parenting.

Oddly enough, Paul the writer of Ephesians here doesn’t have a lot of direction to give us.

You’d think with such an important topic, we’d have some more details.

But the 1st century readers already had the information they needed.

The OT had plenty of guidance on parenting that was already in action in the community.

Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, didn’t feel much of a need to re-hash, only reinforce the core concepts and motivation.

Some of the key texts that would have guided them is:

Deuteronomy 6:4–9 ESV

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

As well as many Proverbs scattered throughout the entire book.

When you couple that with the key verse we are looking at today… verse 4 you really get all the tools you need to parent your children Biblically.

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

DO’s and DON’Ts

This verse starts with the “don’t” and then transitions to do the “do.” So we shall do the same.

Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger

Father is “pater” in the Greek. (PAH - TEAR*)

This word can mean both father and parents… in this case the ESV they render it as “fathers.”

The instruction here seems simple… “do not provoke your children to anger.”

Now, this is a little confusing on the surface without doing some digging, because this would seem impossible.

I mean if you enforce rules and justly punish… you’re going to make your children angry at some point.

They aren’t going to like all of your rules, and they definitely won’t like the consequences for breaking them.

So how can we aptly apply this command to our parenting relationship with our children?

How is it even possible?

Well we need to look at the Greek phrase here to get full context.

parorgizo (Pah - Throw* - Geezo)

It means “to cause someone to become provoked or quite angry.”

One Greek expert explains it like this… “it’s a prohibition the forbids excessively severe discipline, unreasonably harsh demands, abuse of authority, arbitrariness, unfairness, constant nagging and condemnation, subjecting a child to humiliation, and all forms of gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities.

So plainly but… this isn’t just… hey my kid is upset because they’re grounded for a week for not meeting curfew.

This would be… all the items I just listed.

WAYS TO PROVOKE A CHILD

So, what are some ways that a parent could provoke a child?

1. OVERPROTECTION

Overprotection is just parental legalism.

We are supposed to train up our children in the Word of God.

But when we fence them in and never give them an opportunity to experience life and have freedom… we will provoke them to anger.

It’s okay as parents to be cautious, but when we protect without teaching them why or over extending our protection, it’s a bad thing.

Our children will become angry or even become co-dependent on our protection when they get older.

You want them to learn how to respond to the Holy Spirit and apply their decision making to their life through the Word.

Yes, they will mess up… but that’s a part of growing up.

2. FAVORITISM

Another way to provoke children is enact favoritism.

Each child is unique and has individual needs and ways they receive love from a parent, but that cannot be translated across as favoritism.

3. PUSHING UNREALISTIC ACHIEVEMENT

Two of the most common areas that parents will push unrealistic achievement is academics and athletics.

Parents sometimes can get in a mindset that crushes their children under the weight of their expectations to perform.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s healthy to encourage your children to succeed.

They should be taught to work hard and be diligent in their studies.

But if a child isn’t an A+ student that isn’t a reflection on you.

And they may just struggle in academic settings.

I’ve met a lot of people in my life that struggled in academic settings, but in the real world were brilliant.

And I’ve seen vice versa.

Of course they shouldn’t be lazy… they need to be good stewards of their educational opportunities, but… let them breathe.

Have you stopped and asked… I wonder if my child wants to be a football star, a baseball star, or something of the matter?

I wonder if they even want to play.

Sometimes kids will play sports because they feel it’s pushed on them.

Sometimes they think their value is tied to their performance.

4. DISCOURAGEMENT

Children that receive no rewards, no approval, no affection… it’s hard on them.

All children desperately want approval even if they act like it’s doesn’t mean much to them.

They want it from mom and dad the most.

Sometimes silence is deafening when they are looking for a simple word of affirmation.

5. NEGLECT

Another way is neglect.

Certainly this includes actual abandonment, but more often it’s the passive dismissal of their clear emotional needs in the moment.

A withdrawal of attention, affection or love is never a good thing.

Lack of discipline is a form of neglect.

6. INCONSISTENCY

If you are harsh one day, super relaxed the next… punish one way and then punish another, the children will not respect you… they will just be angry.

Everyone… even children like clear expectations.

These are all ways to provoke your children to anger, but there is another way that is very much an issue today that may not make this list as an obvious reason.

7. PUFF THE CHILD UP

Now, let me fully explain this before you arrive at any conclusions.

Of course I believe it’s a good thing to encourage… we just talked about that.

It’s a good thing to build confidence, to reinforce your love, and the child’s progress throughout life as they learn and grow.

But there is something our culture is doing that seems like it’s the same thing, but it’s pushed the line out so far that it’s puffing up our children, and in a lot of cases flat out putting them on pedestals.

This is all built around the lie of self-esteem.

That lie is that we are supposed to inform our children of how great they are, how good they are… how smart they are.

We are supposed to tell them they can do anything they want and be anything they want to be.

The idea is that a person with more self-esteem… a higher view of themselves will be healthier people.

But since this has become popular in the last 3-4 decades… things haven’t gotten better, they’ve gotten worse.

Suicides are at an all time high.

School shootings… underage sex, pregnancies, abortions… gender dysphoria, and on and on.

Try to find a good counselor right now… many of them have long waiting lists.

The mental health status of young people is at an all time low.

We have maybe the most entitled generation of all time.

The blue-collar work force, the back-bone of our culture are terrified at the famine of available young people that want to go into the trades.

Restaurants won’t even open their lobbies because they can only staff drive thrus.

Kids are coming out of a 4-year degree program and are refusing to work entry level jobs.

They want to be managers and earn higher salaries.

But I thought pumping their egos full of self-esteem was supposed to fix all that?

No, all it did was create a generation of people predisposed to feeling like they have to lie.

They feel they have to lie about their achievements, their capabilities… what they’re worthy of.

They feel they deserve things out of the gate that other people have had to work decades for, just because they feel they are worthy of it.

They feel entitled to have whatever money they want, whatever job they desire… that they should receive frequent high accolades.

That they deserve the highest respect on the first day of the job.

Umm… maybe that participation trophy we gave them in the 5th grade soccer team so no one would feel left out wasn’t such a good idea.

They get in the real world and they find out that not everyone gets a trophy and then it’s time to throw an adult temper tantrum.

Not their fault… they were never allowed to have the opportunity to be punished for that tantrum when it was age appropriate.

So now we have full grown adults throwing public tantrums because they were never taught that’s not okay… all because when they messed up at school mom and dad rushed in to blame everyone else except hold their own child accountable.

In a self-esteem driven culture… everyone wants to look good and feel good.

And they will lie to achieve that.

Along comes social media and it becomes the tool by which we upgrade our self esteem issue.

Now we have a platform by which to propagate our lies.

Everyone pushes forward the best versions of themselves.

**TALK A BIT ABOUT INSTAGRAM MODEL CULTURE**

But what people don’t see is that these are all lies doctored up for the masses.

It’s like the family Christmas card… just everyday if you want.

Look at me… look at my kids… look at our marriage.

Then everyone else looks at how perfect you are and breaks on the inside… thinking they are the broken ones… when really they are just reading lies.

Become underneath the perfect, is a whole lot of mess.

Christians flock to churches that do this well.

Let me feel like the hero of my own story.

Preach the Bible as if I’m David and my unfair boss is Goliath.

Tell me again how great I am and that I just need to find my destiny.

Of course people love this talk… those with high self esteem, don’t want to hear a sermon about self denial… or that self-esteem is just self-idolatry dressed up in a more politically correct term.

We have become experts at self-promotion.

This is antithetical to the Gospel…

Culture says: Esteem yourself.

Gospel says: Deny yourself… esteem God.

We can provoke kids to anger setting them up to reap the fruit of a life long pursuit of telling lies to keep up an image.

This is why the Gospel IS SOOOO GOOD.

This is why the Gospel BRINGS SO MUCH HOPE!

THERE IS SOMETHING RELIEVING, COMFORTING… ABOUT ADMITTING THE TRUTH.

We are all hot mess expresses.

See doesn’t that feel good?

Now that we tell the truth, we have something to work with.

I tell my kids that a lot.

Number 1 rule in our house is… tell the truth.

I can’t work with a lie, but I can work with the truth.

Even if the truth is really ugly… we can stand on the same ground and work up from there.

But you can’t build anything on a lie.

And we’ve created a generation of people that have been trained to lie about everything to esteem themselves.

Ya know, I wouldn’t be surprised to see some of these kids, now young adults, go to church, and profess Christianity just because of the moral benefits of being associated with it.

Just wait until culture gets a little more anti-God and the cost raises to be a Christian.. it’s coming.

You’ll see who are the sheep and who are the goats.

Goats don’t stick around for persecution.

Sheep stay with their Great Shepherd no matter the terrain or the dangers that lurk ahead.

Not provoking our children… this is important.

As one writer puts it...

John MacArthur Sermon Archive Parents, Do Not Provoke Your Children

“If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to trust. If a child lives with approval, he learns to accept himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns how to find love in the world.”

THE DO’S

We looked at the don’ts… now let’s look at the do’s.

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

1. “bring them up”

The words “bring them up” means to “nourish and feed.”

Back in Ephesians 5:29 “29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,”

We see the same language here… nourish and feed your children.

We are to be firm in our justice, but also caring and loving towards them.

Men, we often need a reminder of this.

We can be overly concerned sometimes with being tough guys.

But our kids need to see us being gentle… gentle with our wives, gentle with them.

You want to be a man? Be gentle towards females and children… be a gentlemen.

Bringing them up is a caring, compassionate intentional parenting mechanism to show them you’re human and you love them.

Kids have big emotions just like adults do.

Often we see the things they have emotions over and see them as futile or irrelevant, but we can’t dismiss their emotions just because our maturity has informed our emotions that what they are crying over isn’t worth it.

But they don’t know that yet.

One of the most oft mistakes I make as a father, especially with my boys, is excusing and shutting down their emotions.

While yes, I’m trying to train them to emote over the things in life that mean the most… sometimes in the moment they just need me to be there to say… that sucks son. I’m sorry that happened. Let’s get ice cream.

2. Discipline

Some translations use the word “training” here, but discipline fits better.

Pilate uses the same word with Jesus when he said he was going to punish him and release him.

We talked a bit about discipline last week, so I won’t elaborate much further, but the Scriptures make it clear that it’s a very necessary and expected part of training your child.

Discipline done in the Lord, without malice or anger, consistent and just, executed with understanding from the child… not too harsh, but not too easy… saves a child from much worse things.

3. Instruction

This includes both verbal instruction or teaching and warning.

It can mean “to confront.”

We must confront our children regarding their decisions, behavior… rather that be good confrontation or negative.

If you are afraid to confront your children, they have already taken over your household.

Often parents will fear that their child will reject them… hate them… or rebel if they confront.

But years of psychological evidence and studies show that failing to confront children produces the opposite effect.

They won’t respect you.

Without a reverential fear and respect of THE most important authority figures in their lives… they won’t learn to respect any authority.

A child’s first concern should be their responsibility to respect elders, authority, and fulfill their contributions to society, not their idea of what they are entitled to or viewing authority figures as just a means to an end to manipulate.

The unfortunate part about giving children instruction is that it takes time.

That’s not very convenient in a busy world.

Punishment without explanation doesn’t teach much.

Explanation without punishment doesn’t serve justice for the child to remember.

Both serve together to teach and guide the child to righteousness.

One of the greatest encouragements you can give a parent is to recognize the progress of their children over time.

Because when you’re in the middle of the battle… you don’t notice the incremental changes.

But when you have an outsiders perspective… you can see it clearly.

Let that parent know.

EVERY PARENT NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT!

I don’t care how good you are at it… you need to know that you’re doing right when you’re doing right.

But also we aren’t going to boost self esteem just for the heck of it.

We also need to hold each other accountable to this very important task.

CONCLUSION

These three elements serve to give us what we need to parent our children in Godly ways.

Even if you don’t have children in the home, there are discipleship opportunities abounding.

There are young one’s without good Godly parental support.

There is no excuse for any of us to excuse ourselves from the opportunities and responsibilities of Godly parenting.

Because ultimately at the end… it seeks to fulfill the Great Commission.

To go make disciples… that’s our number one command.

Your children are a part of that process… they’re the main one’s.

Point them to the Gospel.

Point them not to the world, themselves or to you… point them to Christ Jesus our Lord.