Whose Puppet Are You?

I want us to look this weekend at who’s pushing your buttons. One of the amazing things about the drama makers in your life is how quickly they can flip you from being happy to mad. Have you noticed this? You could be going through a typical day and you’ve actually had a pretty good day. You’re in a good mood, the birds are singing, the flowers are blooming. You feel great. Then this drama maker walks into your life and in about 1.2 seconds all of a sudden you’re frustrated and mad and upset. They can flip you so fast. They know how to push your buttons.

So if we’re going to deal with healthy relationships we’ve got to learn how to deal with anger. How it shows up. How to deal with it in our own lives. And how to diffuse it in the lives of others, particularly the crazy makers who push your buttons.

Let me give you some facts about anger that I found out.

The average woman loses her temper three times a week.

The average man six times a week.

Women get angry more often at people.

Men get angry more often at things – computers, mechanical problems, things like that.

Women are more verbal with their anger; men are more physical with their anger. We know that.

This was interesting: Single adults express anger twice as often as married adults. I wouldn’t have known that. The place you’re most likely to express anger is home, because we get angry more often, more intensely at those we love than strangers.

The people who make you the most angry are those you love the most, because they have the greatest potential to hurt you or to offend you or to irritate you or to frustrate you.

Dr. S. I. McMillen has identified 51 illnesses that can be directly attributed or caused by anger. Fifty-one illnesses! In fact, proctologists now know that anger can literally create a pain in the rear.

Anger is an evidence of love. In fact, the only reason you are able to get angry is because you are made in God’s image, and the Bible says God gets angry. God has emotions, too, you know. That’s why you’re an emotional person. In fact, 375 times in the Bible it says God got angry, or Jesus got angry, or the Holy Spirit got angry. There are some things that are definitely wrong and you ought to be angry about them.

Righteous anger versus unrighteous anger...

There’s a righteous anger and there’s unrighteous anger. There’s a right way and a wrong way. There’s an appropriate way and there’s an inappropriate way.

Ephesians 4:26 NLT

26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Selfish anger is sinful. Self-centered anger is sinful. Uncontrolled anger is sinful. But the Bible says that anger sometimes is an appropriate response. Sometimes it’s helpful.

But most of the time in our lives it’s harmful.

Harmful anger...

Let me show you a few verses out of the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 25:28 NLT

28 A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.

Do you realize when you say, you make me so mad, you are admitting at that point those people are controlling your life. You are admitting that they are stronger than you, that you are weak. When you say, “You make me…” In other words, you have an ability to control my emotions. That’s what you’re admitting. You are defenseless. You are without a wall, open to attack.

Proverbs 12:16 NLT

16 A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.

It’s wise to just let it roll off your back. A wise person stays calm when insulted.

Proverbs 16:32 NLT

32 Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.

In other words, it’s more important to be in control of your own emotions than to be the President of the United States or an outstanding entrepreneur.

The fact is, anger is a learned response. You learned it from other people. They may be bad examples, but you learned it from others. You learned it from television, you learned it from movies, you learned it from your parents, from other people in your life. The good news is since it’s learned it can be unlearned. You can learn appropriate ways to deal with your anger.

Todays’ goals...

Understand the different ways anger shows up.

Show biblical principles on how to disarm drama makers in your life.

Four anger types include...

1. Loose cannons

Loose cannons are people who just let you have it! They mow you down. There’s no doubt that they’re mad. They’re very expressive. They cuss, they yell, they throw things, they hit, they let it fly. These people are the exploders. They’re like walking time bombs. They just kind of explode all over you. They just let ’er rip. They let it fly.

In the Bible the example of this first kind of anger, the exploder, would be Cain.

Genesis 4:8 NLT

8 One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

Circle the word “attacked.” This is the response of the first form of anger. The attacker. The loose cannons. This response is so obvious the people who have this type of anger immediately regret it. They regret the things they’ve said. They regret the things they’ve done.

2. Quiet stormers

The second kind of anger, besides the loose cannon, is what I call the quiet stormers.

The quiet stormers is the exact opposite. They don’t blow up; they clam up. They don’t get violent; they get silent. And they hold it in and they live in denial and they masquerade and they pretend. And they always refuse to admit it when they’re angry. (“I can see you’re angry, honey.” No, I’m not. “Yes, you are.” No, I’m not. “You’re angry.” I am not angry.)

You’re angry. You’re holding it in. This is not the exploding type anger. This is what I call the crock-pot anger. It stews and it simmers and it’s a slow burn. They don’t just kind of spiritually vomit over you but they burn, and it’s a slow burn.

They swallow their anger. Here’s the problem. Every time you swallow your anger, your stomach keeps score.

Jeremiah 15:17 NLT

17 I never joined the people in their merry feasts. I sat alone because your hand was on me. I was filled with indignation at their sins.

Jeremiah 15 says this: “I stayed by myself [that’s typical of the mute] and was filled with anger. [In other words, I’m being silent; I’m holding it all in. And they asked] why do I keep on suffering? Why are my wounds incurable? [I’ve got these terminal problems] Why won’t they heal? Because you’re holding it in!

3. Pity partyers.

The third kind of anger response and many of you are this: the pity partyer.

They announce a pity party and invite themselves to it. They are always passive and they tend to punish themselves. When a drama maker comes into their life they don’t think, “My mom’s crazy.” They think, “What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? It must all be my fault.”

If you walk around saying I should, I must, I have to, I ought, and you’re always scolding yourself then you’re going to be a pity partyer. Because you’re going to blame yourself. Maybe you’ve just got a crazy coworker and it’s not really you. It’s just that they’re crazy. Or a crazy relative, and they’re a crazy maker.

A good example of the pity-partyer in the Bible would be the older brother in the story of the prodigal son.

Luke 15:28 NLT

28 “The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him,

Have you got anybody like this in your family? They have to be begged. They have to be pleaded with. They have to be pampered. They make everybody else miserable. If they’re not happy they don’t want anybody else happy. They ruin all the family parties.

4. Manipulators

The fourth kind of anger is what I call the Manipulators.

The motto of the manipulator is “Don’t get mad; get even.” A lot of movies and a lot of TV shows are built on this category of anger.

Manipulators will never tell you to your face they’re angry with you. But they’re going to do it subtly. They’re going to do it slyly. They’re going to do it sarcastically. They’re indirect with jibs and cuts. They do things to sabotage you and they do things to make you look back but you never can catch them on it. And they never will flat out own up to the fact that they’re seething with anger. When they do say something to you that’s hurtful or something mean and you actually call them on it they say, “Can’t you take a joke?” They’re not joking! They’re a drama maker.

Religious people can be really good at this one. They couch all of their anger in spiritual terms. “I was grieved in my spirit.” What does that mean? It means I was ticked off! Just say it. I was ticked off! In the South, in the Bible Belt, you can do almost any mean thing to another person as long as you say, “Bless your heart.” What does “Bless your heart” mean? Nothing! It means nothing. So they can stab you in the back and say, Bless your heart. They’re manipulators.

An example of this in the Bible would be the Pharisees, the religious leaders.

Luke 6:10 they were so ticked off at Jesus because Jesus was popular and they weren’t.

Luke 6:11 NIV

11 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.

None of these ways of getting angry are helpful...

How to disarm drama makers in your life...

What I want to do today is spend most of our time on how do you disarm the person who uses these against you? How do you deal with the crazy makers who push your buttons? How do you deal with your own anger and not get angry back? And how do you deal with their anger at you when they won’t come out and admit that they’re angry? What do you do in disarming button-pushers?

The first way the book of Proverbs teaches us and it says it over and over again is…

1. Count the cost.

Before you allow yourself to get mad back, you calculate what you’re going to lose. Calculate the cost of anger. You’re less likely to get angry when somebody’s pushing your buttons if you realize there’s always a price tag for me getting angry back.

The Bible is very, very specific about uncontrolled anger. Let me show you some verses out of Proverbs.

Proverbs 29:22 NLT

22 An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.

You’re going to get in trouble more often and you’re going to sin more often if you get angry. So don’t do it.

Proverbs 15:18 NLT

18 A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.

You don’t want to get in arguments. When you get angry, one way that’s pushing buttons is it’s going to become an argument.

Proverbs 14:29 NLT

29 People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.

Proverbs 14:27, “People with hot tempers do foolish things.” Circle that.

So if I get angry here’s the cost: I’m going to get in trouble. I’m going to sin. I’m going to cause arguments. I’m going to make mistakes. And I’m going to do foolish things. Do I want to get angry when you’re pushing my buttons? Absolutely not. It’s foolish.

I always lose when I lose my temper. You can lose respect. You can lose the respect of others. You can lose the love of your family. You can lose your job by losing your temper. You can lose your health by stuffing it down.

How many kids have become alienated from their dads or their moms because of anger out of control? How many people have been alienated from a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband, a wife or a friend because somebody lost their cool? Anger destroys relationships faster than anything else.

Proverbs 14:29 NLT

29 People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.

So number one is calculate the cost of anger. When somebody starts pushing my buttons I remind myself I do not want to get angry back.

2. Think before you act.

When somebody starts to push your buttons and they want to irritate you. They may do it visibly or they may do it hidden. They may do it in a manipulative way. You think before reacting. You think before you speak. Because anger control is largely a matter of mouth control. You don’t respond impulsively. You put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear.

Proverbs 13:16 NLT

16 Wise people think before they act; fools don’t—and even brag about their foolishness.

Proverbs 29:11 NLT

11 Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.

In the Hebrew there it literally means he cools it. He holds it back and cools his anger. He waits for it to cool.

This is why we know that “chill out” is a biblical term. Cool it. Chill out. Let it go.

If you reflect before reacting, if you think before speaking, then you can identify the root cause of the anger. Anger is always caused by one of three things.

Look past the anger and look at the root cause.

Anger is always caused by one of these three things:

1. They’re hurt.

When somebody’s pushing your buttons and they’re angry it may be they’re hurt.

Because when you get hurt, you get angry. If I’m at home and I’m nailing a nail into some wood and I take the hammer and I hit my thumbnail, I don’t say praise the Lord! No! I get angry. Why? Because hurt always creates anger. I get angry at the hammer. I get angry at my hand. I get angry at life. Why? Because when you’re hurt you’re angry. It’s easier to deal with somebody who is hurt. It’s easy to be more sympathetic to somebody who is hurt than to somebody who’s angry.

2. They’re frustrated.

When you get frustrated you get angry. When you’re irritated, when you’re forced to wait. Department of Motor Vehicles, the angriest place around town usually.

When you’re frustrated, when nothing seems to work, frustration causes anger. When you can’t control the situation, it makes you angry. Any parent who has held an infant who has screamed for one solid hour, and you have done everything possible to make this baby stop crying and it won’t stop crying. You, in your mind, have thought I want to strangle this child! If you say, I’ve never thought that! There’s a word for you: Liar. I would like to shake this child right now! Because you feel so out of control. At that moment, that little helpless baby has control of your emotions.

The higher control person you are the more prone you are to anger. Because most of life is out of your control. If you’re a low-control person, you don’t really deal with anger that much. You’ve got your own problems. Everybody’s got their problems because we’re all broken.

3. They’re afraid.

When we’re afraid, when we feel threatened, when we feel attacked, when we feel afraid, we fight back. You take any animal and force them into a corner, at some point that cat’s going to strike back. Whether it’s tame or it’s wild. A cornered cat, a cornered animal is going to strike back.

This is why delay is a great cause for anger. It allows you to reflect before reacting. Am I hurt? Am I frustrated? Or am I afraid? Is that person hurt? Is that person frustrated? Is that person afraid? The longer you hold your temper the better it gets.

Thomas Jefferson: When you’re angry, count to ten. If you’re really angry, count to a hundred.

That’s wise advice. Don’t immediately text back! Don’t immediately respond to that email. Sleep on it. Let it cool. Calm it down. Count to ten. What do you do during the delay? You try to understand the cause.

What people don’t realize is that anger is contagious. You can catch it. So you have to slow it down. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but when you get loud others get loud. When others get loud, you get loud. Anger is contagious. The problem is somebody’s got to stop the loudness.

Proverbs 15:1 NLT

1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

What does that mean? Just by talking quieter you ratchet down the anger in any relationship. It says a gentle answer quiets anger. Whose anger does it quiet? Yours. It’ll also do the others. But it quiets yours. When you talk quiet you are less angry.

Have you noticed that the louder you talk the angrier you get? The quieter you talk the more you calm down. Responding with equal force when somebody starts pushing your buttons and they walk up to you at the office or you walk in the door at home and somebody lets out something and you respond with equal force, it’s only going to escalate. It’s not going down. It’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse.

Proverbs 17:27 NLT

27 A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.

I cannot put my foot in my mouth when it’s closed. And neither can you. The average man speaks 25,000 words a day. The average woman speaks 30,000 words a day. That’s why, guys, when you get home at night, your wife still has 5,000 more words, and she needs to use them up.

I was talking to a guy one time. I said, “Does it bother you that your girlfriend always gets the last word?” He said, “No. I’m grateful when she gets to it.”

Psalm 141:3 NLT

3 Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips.

“Lord, help me control my tongue; help me to be careful what I say.” That’s a great verse to put in your mind so when you start to get angry you can remember this verse. Let’s say it a couple of times together. Psalm 141:3“Lord, help me control my tongue; help me to be careful what I say.”

This is a tube of toothpaste. If I squeeze this tube, what’s going to come out? Toothpaste. This is not that hard a question! When you squeeze your life, your heart, you know what comes out? Whatever’s inside.

So what do you do? How do you make a difference? You let God’s Spirit fill your life. The key is to be filled with God’s Spirit.

Galatians 5:22 NLT

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

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