Philippians 5:1-7

21 submitting to one another in the fear of God. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:25–28 NKJV

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:29–31 NKJV

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:32–33 NKJV

32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

A Marriage Made In Heaven

Let’s pray…Lord, God, would You dismiss anything, any thought, any words, any hostility, pride, fear, or even definitions that could result in misunderstanding…dismiss it completely from our hearts, our minds, this room. Lord we ask that you would heal, that you would instruct, and give us hearts to hear and receive instruction from you, in Jesus name, Amen.

I want to welcome you this morning, both you that are joining us in person, and those of you that are unable to be with us physically, but are with us... live, through social media. We are thankful for each one of you that call us your people and consider this your church home. The title of our message this morning is A Marriage Made in Heaven.

We have some people joining us today who would tell you that marriage is marvelous. There are others that would tell you that marriage is mediocre, and sadly, there are some, that might describe marriage as being something that is quite miserable....Solomon who was the wised man to ever live, God told him... I have given you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has not been anyone like you before you, nor shall any like you arise after you." - 1 Kings 3:12 NKJV

Solomon said essentially the same thing in Proverbs 12:4

Proverbs 12:4 NKJV

4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Today, we are going to be talking about marriage, if your married pay attention, if your not married, take notes, if you’re divorced we love you and there is stuff in here for all of us, because it is a picture of Christ and the church....and no you don’t have Solomon here this morning teaching, it’s just me, but fortunately for you, when it comes to marriage, I’m what they call an expert.

Expert - I know, it’s impressive. Some of you act surprised, or have the look of doubt like I’m pulling your leg, look how surprised Nicole is hearing this! I looked up expert and it says - a person who has a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge of.... OR skill in a particular area. So you can have a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge, an experiential knowledge OR skill, so you don’t have to be good at something to be an expert in the world’s definition, you just have to study it... or do it for a long time. I’ve been married for over 30 years!

OK, I don’t want to brag.....but, I actually could be considered what they call a Functional Expert - they usually have specific knowledge of a particular area or, are a specialist on a topic within the field. They are someone who has had training and development, continuous practice, and relevant experience. I probably could have been considered a functional expert, having knowledge of a specific area pertaining to the wife’s role in marriage for about the first 5 years I was married. I knew so much about what Nicole was supposed to do and what she wasn’t supposed to do....It took me a while to get past verse 22, and read the rest of the chapter.

Since then, I have learned so much about marriage from being married.

I found out from being married that I’m a very selfish person. That I prefer to put myself before others. That there is more pride in me than God desires, and He hates it, and I learned that through wanting my wife’s respect when I didn’t deserve it. God has used my marriage to change me. I don’t know how many of you guys know this, but Nicole’s first marriage, well she got married when she was really young.

It was a college romance, a guy with a world of potential, studying to be a psychologist. He was going to work with teens and then eventually go into private practice and be wealthy, maybe help some people, but mostly wealthy, and honestly the guy was kind of a jerk. And by the grace of God, for better and for worse, she stayed married to him…and God used marriage to change us both, and make us more like Jesus.

See one of the things I don’t want you to miss is that this union that God created is supposed to be a real life example to the world of the relationship between Jesus, the Bridegroom, and His bride, the church. So lets walk through the passage together. Our passage begins with verse 21…Eph 5:21

Ephesians 5:21 NKJV

21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.

I read this in closing last week because what ends up happening far too often is the next verse wife submit to your husbands is usually one sermon, Husbands love your wives is another, Children and parents another, bondservants and masters another, and we miss the context that this all falls under. It all starts with this command to submit to one another in the fear of God. And, as I shared last week it doesn’t mean to just take turns making decisions. You’re the boss today, and I’m the boss tomorrow, but rather it is a recognition that God is a God of order and He has some things to say about that order. It is very similar to what Jim shared last in Philippians last time...

"3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." - Philippians 2:3-4 NKJV

IN the book of Hebrews we are told to submit to the spiritual authorities that are put over you, Romans and 1 Peter tell us to submit to governing authorities, children to parents, employees to bosses, and verse 22, Ephesians 5:22

Ephesians 5:22 NKJV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

A couple of reminders here... this section is God’s blueprint for a Christian marriage, a marriage made in Heaven, that is supposed to be a picture of the relationship that Jesus has with the church. So He starts with the women, spends most of the time with the women, but that does not mean that they are the bulk of the problem. Quick question ladies, in the world, in the general population of the United States, is the idea of wives submitting to your husbands politically correct?

Well at the time this passage was written, it was very politically, societal, even religiously incorrect, but not in the way you might think. See they were a very patriarchal society. Imagine if someone asked you who your father was and instead of saying Brian Eggert, or Jim Braley, you’d start with Abraham who is the father of us all, who begot Issac, who begot....

Oh, and then it also wasn’t saying submit to the guy that you fell in love with, that you picked out, and chose to marry,... in this society, mom and dad chose who you were going to marry... with little or no input from you. Now that’s tough.

Let me ask you another question. Would it change anything for you if the word submit wasn’t in verse 22? Well here’s something you’ve probably never heard in church before…even though it’s not italicized here, the word submit is not is several of what is considered the best of the original Greek manuscripts, apparently a woman was in charge of deciding which ones were the best ones and which ones were the worst ones.

The bad news is, that even though that radically changes the feel of the verse,... it doesn’t change the meaning. SO with that reading, it is like, hey gang, submit to one another in the fear of the lord, and ladies that applies to your own husbands as well, as under the Lord. That feels different, but you can see, the order is still there, it just defines is as your own husband, not your neighbor’s husband, or anyone else’s husband. Verse 23 begins Paul’s explanation or the reasons that he gives...

Ephesians 5:23–24 NKJV

23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

He gives both the reasons, and lays out who is accountable before God, with headship comes responsibility, and with responsibility....accountability or blame before the Lord. Are you ready for the really politically incorrect verse?

Ephesians 5:25 NKJV

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

That was radical! Patriarchal society, women were subject to men, to all men, in all areas! They were uneducated, were considered unequal, remember part of the issue of the women running back from the tomb of Jesus to tell everyone that He had risen was that they were not given the credibility to testify in court or any other venue for that matter. And now Paul, this guy that was trained to be Jewish Rabbi, is telling men to love their wives…and not just in an emotional way. The word here is agape. IF you want the best definition of that, read 1 Cor 13 all of it.

For our purposes, it is not emotions, it is willfully putting another before yourself, choosing them first. Got questions.org says, “God’s agape love is unmerited, gracious, and constantly seeking the benefit of the ones He loves.”

In this verse is says just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her…that is sacrificial. That is pursuing them first, loving them first, even when they don’t love us. Remember what Jesus said…the Son of man didn’t come to be served, but to serve....remember Him removing His outer garment, tying a towel around His waste, filling a basin with water and washing the feet of his disciples…even Judas’ feet.

See loving your wives, like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her means serving her, not being served by her…even when you don’t want to, even when aren’t feeling it. See that is really when love, agape love is required. Like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking the Father, not once, not twice, but three times, if there is any other way, let this cup pass from Me. What does that tell me? Jesus wasn’t really wanting to go to the cross, but He did it giving Himself for the church.

Husbands, love your wives like that. Eph 5:26-27

Ephesians 5:26–27 NKJV

26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

remember this is tied to what Jesus does for the church, it does not mean that the husband can spiritually cleanse the wife, or forgive her sins. It does mean that unlike the wife to the husband, he is responsible for her spiritual growth or stagnation. He is to foster an environment that provides everything possible for here to spiritually thrive and to grow.

He must answer to God for any and all roadblocks that his leadership or lifestyle puts in the way of her growing as a Christian. Let that sink in, that’s not politically correct today is it. Right now the church is being prepared to be presented to the Bridegroom, that Jesus would have a holy bride without blemish. Men and women together, we as Christians make up the church the Bride of Christ as one body, as Nick reminded the men yesterday, we’re to pray for each other in the same way we pray for ourselves....without ceasing and without losing heart because we are one body.

That is what Paul is talking about here…continuing with verse 28...

Ephesians 5:28 NKJV

28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

Notice he doesn’t say just like their own bodies, or in the same way, because they are one body like it says over and over again in the bible concerning the one flesh union of marriage. Eph 5:29-31

Ephesians 5:29–31 NKJV

then check this out…Eph 5:32

Ephesians 5:32 NKJV

32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Amen, marriage is a great mystery, but then he says, I’m talking about Christ and the church, that incredible Marriage made in Heaven. We are to fully submit to Christ as our head, and He has perfectly loved us, before we loved Him. He actually takes us full circle here back to the beginning of the letter in chapter 1. Eph 1:22-23

Ephesians 1:22–23 NKJV

22 And He put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all things to the church, 23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

as the Bride of Christ we are the Body of Christ…last verse Eph 5:33

Ephesians 5:33 NKJV

33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Let the husband love his wife and notice the word substitution here ladies, see that the wife respects her husband. For the men it stays the same, apparently, God didn’t want to confuse us, or give room for any loop holes, Love her as Christ loved the church, serve her, not be served by her. Love her, don’t Lord over her, be a man that it is easy to trust as having her best interest at heart. As she submits to Christ as part of the church, you recognize her submission to you is the result of her following Christ, that doesn’t come natural.

Ladies, he concludes this section with a command for you, that you can’t possibly understand the importance of, because you’re not a guy. Everything inside the wiring of a man, is tied to respect. This is going to sound weird, but to him, it’s more important than love. There has never been a case of road rage that started with did you see that guy drive by…AND NOT LOVE ME? You tell a guy that another guy, or group of guys, division of soldiers, or tell a male cop that none of the fireman love him, bad example firemen love cops, wish they grew up to be cops. Tell a fireman that the cops don’t love them? You know what they’ll do? Shrug their shoulders, maybe roll their eyes, who cares. Boo hoo they don’t love me…but watch a guy when someone cuts him off, then it’s on baby!

Did you see, he thinks that he can just....he’s not going to punk me out. Respect....women you have no idea how important to your husbands, or future husbands. When you roll your eyes at him, mock him, treat him like a child instead of how you might treat an honored guest, you are destroying him. Crushing and killing his spirit.

Ladies that try to belittle, to shame, or to do drive by guiltings to your husbands, that will never, ever result in positive change, only defeat.

Can I leave you with some observations about marriage, as an expert?

When we change our focus from the role and responsibilities of our spouse, and focus on the instructions to us as the bride of Christ, we bless our Bridegroom, and we become a blessing to our spouse, or future spouse…there’s application there as well. Those of you with future spouses…your application is understand that statistically, there is an astronomical high probability that you are going to end up marrying someone that at one time in your life you dated....I’ll show you.

How many of you married folks married someone that you dated? See! So who are you dating and what are you looking for? If I were to have you write out, man, I wish we were doing growth groups this week! Single ladies, write out the things that you are looking for in a man…is the top thing on your list someone that I willingly can submit to their headship? Men, is your top three attributes of a perfect future wife, someone that I can serve? Someone that I can dwell with in understanding, giving honor to her, someone I can recognize as a joint heir together of the grace of life, my spiritual and intellectual equal and partner in life?

Marriage is about mutually submitting to one another, considering one another before ourselves in almost everything. It is not the husband making all of the decisions or even most of the decisions. In over 30 years of marriage, I’ll bet there has been less than an handful of times that we haven’t talked an issue through. Nicole has a completely different perspective than I do. She knows things I don’t know, as had different life experiences than I have, she prays to God, hears from God, she knows the Word of God, she’s my best friend, my favorite person in the world, and God’s gift and His perfect provision for my weaknesses, why wouldn’t I want to include her in everything? More importantly, I have to live with her!

I actually mean that…in 1 Peter 3:7 it says if I don’t live like that, God won’t hear my prayers.

Nicole understands that headship means I am accountable to God for our family and the decisions that I make. One thing she has learned from marriage? She is far better off, rather than fighting with me about a decision we might not agree on, she is far better off saying, you have to answer to God for this not me, ask Him and if He says that’s what we should do, then lets do it! Sometimes I have to come back and say, well He said no too! The times that this happens, where the Spirit that unites us doesn’t bring us to agreement should by far be the minority, never the majority, ...that makes is slavery, not submission.

Ladies, a Biblical application of respecting your husbands doesn’t mean only when he deserves it or earns it. It means not getting together with your girlfriends, or your Mom and talking about him like he’s an idiot, even if he is. Or demeaning or degrading him when you’re out in public. Treating him like you would an honored guest, rather than a hired hand.

I mentioned a language change here from submit to respect, but if you do a word study, the word actually translated here as respect in revere in some translations, but in the Greek it is fear. Like reverential fear like you would have for God, that your worship of God would result in a actual honoring respect for your husband.

Tough today, tougher when it was written. In a time and place that you didn’t get to pick, but that should tell us that it has less to do with who you married than it does how you do marriage. Does that make sense? It matters more how you do marriage than it does who you marry. Why is that important? Because what if you made a bad choice? What if you’re no longer feeling it?

God’s blueprint for marriage, for a marriage made in Heaven, has nothing to do with feelings, it is about agape, sacrificial love on the part of the Husband, and respect for the role and accountability of the husband before God from the wife..

When I am trying to worship and honor God through loving my wife in such a way that our relationship becomes a picture of Jesus and His church, it makes it way easier for Nicole to respect me. And when Nicole is focusing on what it means to respect her husband, and when necessary as she submits to Jesus, recognize the authority and accountability I have for our family, it makes loving her like Christ loved the church easy.

And let me add one more thing related to its not who you marry, but how you do marriage, somewhere along the line in the American church, somewhere between the creation of the soap opera and the romance novel, the belief came into the church that there is one and only one perfect person out there that God has chosen for you to marry. What is the problem with this theology?

No where in the bible does it say that.

Two, what if, somewhere down the line, one of us makes a mistake and chooses the wrong person? I mean just think about it practically. If Nicole picked the wrong guy, and I’m sure she thought yeah maybe a time or two over the years, but say she messed up and married the wrong guy, then that messes everything up for everyone else. Right? Then I married the wrong woman, and the one I was supposed to marry, probably got sick of waiting for me....1 Cor 7 makes it real clear, if you’re married stay married, that’s God’s will for you…with very few exceptions concerning violating the marriage covenant.

Third and final it sets the scene for an I finally found my soul mate affair. As long as I’ve been doing marriage counseling, it is almost never, never that an affair starts, like whoa, what in the world just happened. Like you fell up a set of stairs, passion over took you, and it just happened. No, usually it’s like a car, during the first snow storm in Maine still driving with summer tires. Trying to go up the state street hill from Bangor into Brewer, you see the cars heading up there on that first snow and they stop at the light…it turns green and it looks like they are trying to keep going in the right direction, but then you see them slowly sliding down the hill, until they car into the cars below them, or get crushed by a train.

I found my soulmate affairs are usually like that…something you slide into. I messed up the first time around, but now, I finally found the right one. In a marriage that honors God, it is not about who you married, it is about you, His church being submitted to Christ, and that effects how you do marriage, that is a marriage made in Heaven. Grace and Peace church.

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