Good Fences Keep Good Neighbors

Good Fences Keep Good Neighbors

When our relationships are out of balance, it’s often because someone expects you to be God. They expect you to take responsibility for some area in their life that they should be taking responsibility for.

Be God in my money. I’ve got financial problems. You solve them.

Be God in my personality. I’ve got a strange personality. You fix it.

Be God in my failures. I have lots of problems and you solve all my problems.

Be God in the fact that I can’t get a job because I have a low work ethic.

Be God in my emotional issues.

The problem is it makes you crazy when you’re around those kind of people, because it should make you crazy. God never intended for you to be God for anybody and to take responsibility for their life.

So here’s a question for you. Right now, as we speak, who’s asking you to be God? Who’s asking you to take care of their money, their financial problems, their emotional problems, their unhappiness, their “I’m miserable.” Who’s demanding that you take care of them and take too much responsibility?

The Bible discusses this matter, and lets us know that this never works and there’s a better way.

Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

In other words, it’s important to guard yourself. If you see the words above all in the Bible take a highlighter and highlight it. Because the whole Bible is above all. So the above all of the above all is above all squared. When the Bible says above all, it’s a big deal.

Guard your heart. What is your heart? In the Hebrew, your heart is the inner person, the inner man, the inner woman. In your inner person it’s everything that’s important. Your core values are in your heart. Your feelings, your emotions are in your heart. Your thoughts, your decisions – they’re all in your heart. Your life is in your heart. “Guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life.”

If somebody is telling you to take care of their life and it’s making you crazy, it’s probably because you’re not guarding your heart the right way. We’re going to help you do that.

I think the way to start this off is to give you a vision for the way God did design relationships. I’ll give you the good news first. Because God designed two elements in every healthy relationship so they wouldn’t go crazy. And if you have these two elements thing’s go a lot better.

Requirements for balance relationships...

So let’s start with the two elements that God designed for a relationship. It’s a balance.

1. Grace

1 Peter 4:10 NIV

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

For me that’s my favorite word in the Bible. I need a lot of it and we need a lot of it. Grace.

What is grace? Grace is basically the reality that God is for you. He’s for you. He’s on your side. He’s on your team no matter what you do. Grace means that there is nothing I can do to make God happy so he’ll love me more. He won’t love me any more if I perform well.

On the other hand, grace means there’s no way I can screw up and he’ll love me less. And I need to know that. And you need to know that. No way I can perform at top levels and he’ll love me more. No way I can screw up royally and he’ll love me less. That’s the nature of grace.

Grace comes in two forms. First it comes in the vertical. The vertical is when it comes straight from God. It comes from his Word, the Bible. It comes from his Holy Spirit, the indwelling presence of himself. That’s the vertical part of grace.

But there’s another part of grace. The horizontal part. The horizontal… where we take grace in from each other and give grace to each other. That’s what this passage in 1 Peter is talking about. That we’re supposed to be stewards, actually the delivery system, of the very grace of God.

When you let somebody listen to you and you tell them your story and they’re for you and they don’t condemn you and they don’t judge you, you’re experiencing grace. It’s the fuel of life. Relationships that have great grace have great relationships. You know why? It’s because you’re safe. Think about that. You’re in a safe relationship. There’s no condemnation. There’s no judgment. You’ll never be condemned or judged in a safe relationship.

When we’re in judgment we shut down, we pull away, we play the game. But when you’re safe you open up. That’s what grace is about. You can open up because no one will ever condemn you.

2. Truth

Truth. The truth. Ephesians 4:15 tells us this:

Ephesians 4:15 NIV

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

What’s truth? Truth is what is. Truth is what’s real. There’s the truth of physics and the truth of gravity. There’s the truth you find in the Bible. There’s the truth that a wise person tells us something we don’t know. There’s the feedback we give each other as friends and people in business and people we’re in love with and people we’re married to.

Grace provides the safety we need. You’ve got to have safety. Truth provides the structure that we need. So you don’t screw your life up and run off in a ditch. It provides the structure; grace provides the safety.

In a beautiful way God integrates both of those together. The way I like to look at it is grace says to you, I’m for you no matter what. I’m for you no matter what! And truth says, I need to give you some feedback so you don’t ruin yourself.

God says when grace and truth are together things go better.

So that’s the good news. Now we’ve got to get to reality, which is drama-making relationships. Because unfortunately that balance of grace plus truth doesn’t always fit, doesn’t always work. Things go wrong. So we’re going to talk about two of the most important crazy-making ways.

What happens when grace and truth are out of balance in a relationship?

1. Someone in your life is out of control.

The Bible talks a lot about out of control.

Romans 13:13 NLT

Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy.

When you’ve got somebody who is out of control, this is a relationship in which somebody’s behavior and somebody’s attitude are just off the charts, off the scale.

They’re impulsive. They act out. They’re destructive. They destroy people and they destroy balance and they destroy relationships. You know why? Because God’s law is out of whack in their life. They trample on the grace and take advantage of it. And they don’t listen to the truth.

The best example of an out-of-control relationship is if you have a relationship with an addict. If you’ve got a relationship with an addict you understand everything I’m saying. Because an addict is imprisoned by something – alcohol, drugs, pornography, some substances, some behavior. And everything in life centers around that and they trample on life.

What happens is if you love that person you will start to do this taking responsibility for their problems and their pain and their emotions and their addiction. All of a sudden you become what’s called a parent. You take a parent role toward that addict and try to fix them and enable them and rescue them. And we call that co-dependency. Everybody knows what a co-dependent is, right? It’s somebody if they’re falling off a cliff, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes.

Everything gets out of balance. It’s horrible because they don’t get better and if you’re the parent, you don’t get better.

I have a friend and she has a boyfriend. The nicest guy in the world but he drinks too much. He’s got a drinking problem. How do you know he’s got a drinking problem? Very simple. I do a lot of diagnostics. Every time he drinks he gets drunk. Isn’t that amazing? Drink – get drunk. A drinking problem. It’s like math. He doesn’t think he has a drinking problem. He thinks he has a problem. You know what he thinks his problem is? He doesn’t have a drinking problem. He has a girlfriend-nagging-me problem. That’s his problem. If she’d stop nagging I could drink and everything would be happy. It’s a great relationship, right?

Her strategy is when he lost his job because he drank too much she’d pay the rent for his house for several months to make sure he was comfortable. As they say, how’s that working for you? It’s not working. She’s miserable. She feels helpless. He feels like nothing’s changing with him. It doesn’t work because this doesn’t work in the ways God’s laws of physics work.

2. Someone in your life is controlling you.

You have a relationship with someone who is controlling you or attempting to control you. Nobody should ever control you.

Galatians 5:1 NLT

So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.

You have choices.

One of the many benefits of Jesus and his death was he died so we could make choices. You are to have choices over your voice in a relationship. You should be able to say what’s true. You should have a voice.

You should be free in saying this is how I want to be respected. And you should be free in saying, this is how I will be loved.

Christ died for that. But there are people who don’t want you to have that freedom. And you go along to get along. And you do it their way. But if you have another opinion or another voice or another decision, things blow up and you have to walk on eggshells around that person.

Two types of controlling people...

It’s a hard life to be around somebody who’s a control freak, not controlling themselves but controlling you. There’s two kinds of controlling people.

1. The first kind controls by anger.

Here’s their statement: if you don’t do it my way I’ll be mad at you. If you do it my way we’re fine. If you don’t do it my way I’m going to be angry and mad at you. I’ll escalate, I’ll blow up, I’ll get short with you, I’ll use bad words, I might even get violent. I’ll get mad. I’m going to have a tantrum if you don’t do things my way. Controlled by anger. Very, very powerful.

2. The second kind control by guilt.

Controlled by guilt. Guilt doesn’t say, if you don’t do it my way, I’ll be angry with you. Guilt says, if you don’t do it my way, I’ll be hurt. I’m not mad, I’m just hurt. Just as powerful. Just as strong a control.

Like the man who was on vacation with his wife and family. This time he wasn’t going to see his mom because they were in another part of the country. So he calls her up and says, “Mom, we’re going to take the kids somewhere else. We’re not going to swing by your house this time.” And she says, “You know how long I was in labor with you? I bore you in my womb and you can’t come four states over to see me? Why?” She’s not angry, she’s hurt.

If I was to divide our audience up and out internet audience, and say, “Which one gets to you?” Probably about half of you would say, “Yeah, I can get controlled by somebody who blows up and gets mad. I’m afraid of that. It’s hard for me.” The other half of you would say, “That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is someone who controls by guilt and says they’re hurt all the time because I wanted a different choice.” Either way it’s a crazy maker.

So whether you’ve got the out-of-control person in your life – the addicts or some impulsive person. Or you’ve got somebody who’s controlling you by anger or somebody who’s controlling you by guilt, you don’t have a balanced relationship and you’ve got a drama maker and it’s not good for you and God never intended it.

Restoring God’s balance...

How many of you have ever heard the word “boundaries”? How many of you would like to have more boundaries? It’s kind of a strange word. Some people say, isn’t that like a castle and a mote and alligators? It’s kind of a mean thing.

What is a boundary?

Simply put, a boundary is just a property line.

It’s a property line. It’s like a line around your home that says here’s where your plumbing is and your electricity and all this and your neighbors have got plumbing and electricity. If my plumbing goes bad in my house then it’s my problem; I’ve got to fix the plumbing. If my neighbor’s plumbing goes bad I could go over there and help but ultimately, ultimately, it’s my neighbor’s responsibility.

Remember Proverbs 4 at the beginning of our lesson?

Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

1. Love others without rescuing.

Love others without rescuing them. Loving and rescuing are very different things. Rescuing and enabling and co-dependency are not nearly the same thing as love. Because love says I’m on your team and I’m on your side, but I’m not going to fix your problems.

Galatians 6:2 NLT

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

Let me explain that. We’re supposed to go the extra mile. We’re supposed to give the shirt off our backs to people in need. That’s just the Christian life. Sacrifice is part of it. But let me explain this in terms of that passage. It’s kind of a hard to understand passage. He’s saying carry other people’s burdens and carry your own load. Wait a minute! I’m carrying your problems and my problems. I shouldn’t even get up in the morning! But in the Greek it’s very different. The word for burdens, you know what it really means? It means a boulder. A back- crushing boulder that you can’t carry.

Here’s a boulder – a divorce. Somebody’s going through a divorce, they’re under a boulder. A medical condition. Or their kid gets sick. That’s a boulder. A financial issue, the house goes under, they lose a job, they’re getting foreclosed on – that’s a boulder. An emotional problem – that’s a boulder. We’re supposed to carry each other’s burdens for some period of time until they can handle things themselves.

That’s not what the word “load” means in the last part of that passage. The word “load” in the Greek does not mean “boulder.” You know what it means? A knapsack. Like when you’re going jogging or biking or going to school. A knapsack has your daily rations that you need.

Your knapsack – what’s in your knapsack? Everything we mentioned in the guard your heart passage. Your feelings, your thoughts, your values, what you cherish. That’s your knapsack. Life goes well when we help carry other people’s boulders and crises but we don’t take care of their knapsack. Life goes poorly when we start picking up other people’s knapsacks. Now you’ve got a problem. God never intended you to fix someone’s emotions, to fix someone’s financial problems, to fix someone’s bad attitude.

Let me ask you a question: How many of you have ever tried to take a miserable person in your life and make that miserable person happy? Have you ever tried to make a miserable person happy? How’s that working for you? It doesn’t work. You’d both be unhappy just like my friend with the alcoholic boyfriend. It doesn’t work. We need to love each other without rescuing.

Here’s the question to ask if you’re not sure am I loving or rescuing. Should they be doing it themselves? Very simple. Is this something they should be doing themselves? Getting a job, getting clean, getting sober, getting rid of a bad attitude, getting a new personality, solving their own financial problems. Should they be doing that themselves? That solves a lot of problems.

2. Learn to confront in love.

Learn to confront in love. Learn to tell the truth in love.

Matthew 18:15 NLT

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

We need each other to tell each other the truth. You have blind spots. I have blind spots. One of the functions of relationships is to say, you missed a spot. You may not be aware of your tone of voice. You may not be aware of your behavior. You may not be aware of how you’re affecting people. That’s how we’re supposed to love each other. Love in truth.

What you’re saying to this person is, I’m not trying to beat you up, I’m not trying to judge you. I want a better relationship. This is about us. I want a better us. I’ve got to tell you some truths because of us. You’re not a project to me. It works a lot better than a healing text, I’ll tell you that! Confront each other in love.

How to confront in love...

1. Start from love.

John 13:34 NLT

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.

2. Say no when it’s best to say no.

Matthew 5:37 NIV

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

We’re trained not to say no. Here’s an interesting statement. How many of you have ever heard this one: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Do you realize that that statement is what they’re saying not to do? That’s a negative statement.

You’ve got to say no. But we’re trained not to say no. You know what that means. If you have a hard time saying no it means you’re a great target for telemarketers. Telemarketers love you. You’ll end up with 18 microwaves and 47 insurance policies. All from the comfort of your home.

The word “no” is a good word and God says use it. And it’s healthy.

3. Give consequences if necessary.

Sometimes you’ve got to give consequences. Sometimes you’ve got to go beyond saying no to doing no. You’ve got to move it to actions.

Proverbs 19:19 NLT

Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.

Anybody ever had a rage-aholic or an anger-management person in their life? They will train you and you will train them that if they want to get something from you, all they’ve got to do is get bugged and you’ll give them anything they want. And you will walk on eggshells. And the Bible says don’t do it. Don’t rescue them.

Here’s the deal. There is a certain percentage of the human population that disregards your words.

What they tell you is, I don’t care about words. Words don’t change me. The only thing that changes me is pain. Pain. Your words aren’t going to affect me. All that affects me is pain.

Then you have to say, then I have to help you go to God’s school of discipline in Hebrews 12 where it says, “All discipline brings forth the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Hebrews 12:11 NLT

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.