Home improvements 7
How you can build a healthy home life.
(Home improvements 6)
(Philippians 4:11 NIV) I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
Contentment, merriment, and service—these three “little secrets” can make your family life a wellspring of happiness.
I’ve been married to the same patient woman for 20 years. As we’ve navigated the waters of marriage and parenthood, I’ve discovered some Scripture passages that have opened my eyes to “little” things that make a positive difference in family relationships.
Whether you’re married, single, or single-again, the following biblical “secrets” can help keep your family a great place to be.
1) The Secret of Contentment
I have no real wants; if anything, my life is too full. "That's precisely the problem," author Gregg Easterbrook says in his new book, The Progress Paradox. Most Americans enjoy a higher standard of living than 99.4 percent of the 80 billion human beings who've ever lived. Yet we're not content. "Our lives are characterized by too much of a good thing." Easterbrook says, "excess at every turn." We're surrounded by so much food that obesity has become a national crisis, are tempted by so much entertainment and information and stuff to buy that we sleep three hours a day less than our grandparents. At times, it leaves you staring at a four-mile-long island on the horizon, wondering what it would be like to chuck it all.
“Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife” (Prov. 17:1, NASB).
(Philippians 4:11 NIV) I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
Look for a meal not a morsel:
a) The dry morsels- I think of leftover crusts of bread lying on a child’s highchair tray. Crusty. Brittle. Dry. They wouldn’t make much of a meal.
In contrast I think of Thanksgiving morning. Steam rising off turkey gravy bubbling on the stove. Butter melting on fluffy mashed potatoes. A gaggle of cousins debating whether the turkey is overdone, pounds of fudge, yams with melted marshmallows, pies…the feast.
b) Feasting versus dry morsels. On the surface, I prefer hot roast turkey to breadcrumbs—but not at the price of strife.
· Stay out of the “If Only” trap -Many of us think that “feasting” will bring us happiness. We fall into the “if only” trap.--If only we had a bigger house, a nice vacation, a large-screen TV, a new car, we’d be happy.
Money—
It can buy you a house, but not a home.
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy you a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you sex, but not love.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
A friend of mine told me his wife wanted to buy a second boat for the family. “She wants a bigger and better boat so that our family can be happier, since our happiest times as a family have been at the lake.”
“Is your family unhappy?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t get along very well with my teenaged son. I’ve sort of tuned him out. Every time we talk we get into an argument. I’m ignoring him now. That way we don’t fight.”
My friend and his wife assumed “feasting” (money and boats) would produce a happy, quiet home. Yet I’ve been in homes where there’s plenty of money, plenty of material possessions, and plenty of feasting. And plenty of strife.
At times, I’ve tried to buy my wife’s affection with gifts, particularly if I knew I had strained our relationship. Similarly, some parents try to make up for not spending time with their children by giving them huge allowances or toys they don’t need.
- It is better to eat a dry morsel than to have strife.
c) Learn the secret of contentment. Time, our most valuable possession, can make even the driest morsel taste like a banquet.
· money can't buy happiness-In August, 2003, a study was released revealing that money can't buy happiness. Beginning in 1975, University of Southern California researcher Richard Easterlin surveyed 1500 persons annually and found:
Many people are under the illusion that the more money we make, the happier we'll be. We put all of our resources into making money at the expense of our family and our health…The problem is we don't realize that our material wants increase with the amount of money we make.
· The study discovered happiness was related to: quality time with loved ones, good health, being friendly, having an optimistic outlook, exercising self-control, and possessing a deep sense of ethics.
In Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” he says this about
Look for Quality time:
· Maintain eye contact
· Don’t listen and multi task
· Listen for feelings
· Observe body language
· Refuse to interrupt
· Babbling Brook (whatever they see or hear goes out the mouth) vs. Dead Sea (good listeners)
Bottom line: Learn to be content and use your time wisely.
2) The Secret of Merriment
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22, NASB).
(http://www.thecaliforniachannel.com/2004nsssa/nssaveth.mov) (http://www.honewatson.com/01/25/bethany-hamilton/)
Bethany Hamilton, once ranked as the best amateur teen surfer in Hawaii, lost an arm to a tiger shark in October 2003. Both her compassion and competitiveness, however, have reached a new level.
Soon after the attack she began to raise money to restore a man's eyesight. While visiting New York City, she gave her ski coat to homeless girl. When asked about the gift, she said she had more than she needed in life.
Referring to her competitiveness, the story in USA Today states: "As always, Hamilton remains undaunted. She has told her father that if having only one arm proved detrimental to reaching the top in competitive surfing, then she'd see about playing soccer."
Her pastor, Steve Thompson, said, "She's looking forward to the future. She's asking herself, 'How can I show the world I still have a life, that I enjoy my life, and that my life is filled with joy?' She has an underlying trust that God is taking care of her."
Citation: Jill Lieber, "Teen Surfer Riding Wave of Amazing Grace" USA Today
· Kids - Don’t meditate on the negative: Write down three things their mother and I had done right as parents.
a) Parental Grump Cycle. Every now and then parents feel overworked and underappreciated. We have thoughts like, He didn’t even notice the new kitchen curtains or after all the hard knocks I take on the job every day, it sure would be nice to get a little respect at home.
So we get grumpy. We throw our weight around by being moody or sullen. We even enjoy it!
The trouble is, this kind of mood won’t go unnoticed. In fact, it will cast a pall over the entire household.
After a dinner hour spent in courteous but strained conversation, my daughter whispered to my wife as I was leaving the table, “What’s wrong with Dad?”
b) How do I break the Grump Cycle?
1. Suggestion #1: Make sure your work problems (or church, neighborhood, or family problems) don’t squelch your cheerfulness at home. I must confess I’ve often sat at the supper table nodding absent-mindedly, smiling in a perfunctory manner, and saying, “That’s nice” when I had no idea what the subject of the conversation was. I was too busy living inside my head, worrying about my quotas, my boss, or the people I had to share an office with.
· Don’t operate on feelings.
What is accomplished when I lose my temper? The result is hurt feelings, broken relationships, and the need for forgiveness from individuals and from my heavenly Father. When my temper rages out of control, I lose all perspective on the situation, making it larger than life. Solomon wrote about this, saying, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Prov. 29:11). When I operate on the basis of feelings, I cannot listen rationally to others’ viewpoints or keep difficult situations in perspective. When I rely on the Holy Spirit, trusting Him to give me wisdom, I am able to show restraint regardless of others’ attitudes. Isaiah described it this way: “In quietness and trust is your strength” (Is. 30:15).
· Surrender each part of my now finished workday to the Lord in prayer. One day I recognized my selfishness for what it was and decided to change. Two action steps helped me do that. First, for a few months I stopped at a small chapel on the way home from work to read Scripture and surrender each part of my now finished workday to the Lord in prayer. After fifteen or twenty minutes, I’d drive home and enter the house ready to serve my family.
· Try to imagine physically depositing my day’s burdens outside the house.
2. Suggestion #2: Establish a family fun night. Ours was usually Tuesdays from 7 to 8 p.m. Of course, we were too busy and too tired to have a family fun night, but we did it anyway until our kids entered high school.
The only rule is that you can’t go out. Family fun night is at home with the TV turned off! Too many parents do not know how to have fun with their kids if it doesn’t involve a movie theater, a restaurant, or a rented video.
So what do you do? Play a table game and eat a bowl of ice cream. How about charades? Or drop a clothespin in a quart jar while standing on a chair or from the top of the stairs. Keep score. How about everyone tying balloons to their ankles and then trying to stomp everyone else’s balloons? A little dangerous, but fun.
The best family night we ever had was “Paper Sword Night.” We rolled up and taped three, full-spread newspaper sheets into cylindrical “swords.” Then we tied balloons to our belts in the back. Someone intoned the words, “Commence jousting!” and each family member tried to pop the others’ balloons with his or her sword. It was great fun. The whole family ganged up on Dad—even after his balloon was popped!
3. Here’s another tip: Quit at a high point, not after everyone is tired. End “Family Night” while your kids still say, “Let’s do it again, Dad.”
“No. We’ll have to wait until next Tuesday night. But let’s all have a bowl of ice cream now to end our fun night.”
Does your home have a sense of humor? Would you choose to live there if you didn’t have to? What one thing can you do to make your home a more enjoyable place to live?
A joyful heart is good medicine . . . especially at home.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV) A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Learn to have fun!!
4) The Secret of Service
“Through love, serve one another” (Gal. 5:13, NASB).
Pat Tillman loved football. But he loved his freedom as an American more.
When Pat arrived at Arizona State as a freshman in 1994, he landed the school's last remaining football scholarship. Initially that translated into a spot on the end of the bench where (as one sportswriter put it) "dreams go to expire." By the time Pat graduated summa cum laude from ASU, he was no bench-sitter. Tillman was named the Pac-10's Conference Defensive Player of the Year and chosen by the Arizona Cardinals in the 1998 NFL draft.
Pat refused to be put off by the fact that he was the 226th pick out of 241 to be drafted. Five months later, in spite of his undersized 5'11" 200 pound frame, he was Arizona's starting strong safety. In his third season Pat set a franchise record with 224 tackles. In 2001 he was offered a $9 million five-year offer by the Super Bowl Champion St. Louis Rams, but Pat declined the offer out of loyalty to the team that had drafted him.
After the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, the 25-year old superstar began to evaluate his priorities. In the spring of 2002, after returning from his honeymoon, Pat announced his decision to leave the team after only four seasons even though it meant turning down a three-year, $3.6 million contract. Tillman felt called to lay aside his privileged life in order to defend the country that had allowed it. In May 2002 Pat enlisted in the U.S. Army as a Ranger and following basic training was deployed in the Persian Gulf. He went from millionaire to an annual salary of $18,000.
On Thursday, April 22, 2004, Pat Tillman was killed in Afghanistan after a firefight with anti-coalition militia forces about 25 miles southwest of a U.S. military base at Khost, which has been the scene of frequent attacks.
According to former Cardinals head coach Dave McGinnis, "Pat Tillman represented all that was good in sports. He knew his purpose in life and proudly walked away from a career in football to a greater calling."
· Have you ever fallen out of love? Maybe the person you married just doesn’t make your liver shiver anymore. Feelings of love, once so strong, are now replaced by feelings of resentment or apathy.
· What used to be a cute mannerism is now an annoying habit. While you were dating, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Now, you hardly touch. You may even wonder if you married the wrong person. And you’ll explain it to your lawyer like this: “We’ve fallen out of love. He doesn’t make me feel special anymore. She doesn’t turn me on anymore.”
a) You can recapture your lost feelings of love. But first, you must understand how the world’s view of love can lead you astray.
· Worldly wisdom says that the key to a romantic marriage is great sex. Great sex leads to great feelings of love, which lead to a stronger marriage commitment.
The Bible has a different view.
· The Bible maintains that the key to a warm emotional marriage starts with commitment. Because we are committed to each other, we serve one another in both little and big ways, whether we feel like it or not. That action produces feelings of love, which then lead (sometimes) to great sex.
b) Sooner or later, you will “fall out of love” with your spouse. That’s when you have three choices:
· Continue in denial or self-pity, saying this is the “cross” you must bear
· Go to an attorney to get the best divorce settlement you can while trying to minimize its effect on the children
· Act in obedience to God by serving your spouse.
c) Recapture feelings of love by serving those I “resented.”
Did I feel like serving? No. Did my family change? No. Serving them switched my mind from preoccupation with self to meeting the needs of my family. And what do you know, love returned.
· But what if your spouse or kids don’t deserve to be served? Of course they don’t deserve it. That’s the essence of biblical love—to give to those who are undeserving. Did God decide to love you because you deserved it?
· Sure, serving will cost you. But it’s not nearly as costly as a divorce settlement. If you don’t feel like serving your partner, do it anyway. The feeling comes later.
· If relationships at your house have been a bit strained lately, consider what one thing you could do in the next twenty-four hours to serve your spouse and children. Don’t expect anything in return. Just try it and see what happens.
· What is the most vital prerequisite for effectiveness in God’s service? How would you answer that question?
Recap: Contentment, merriment, and service—these three “little secrets” can make your family life a wellspring of happiness.
· God created you to be a part of His family…plug in, combat the culture of noncommittal, too busy.
· Every team has a roster, every family a member, Are you part of God’s body? Contentment, merriment, and service are for you in His family.
“A few hours before entering the “Homeland,” Dwight L. Moody caught a glimpse of the glory awaiting him. Awakening from a sleep, he said, “Earth recedes, and Heaven opens before me. If this is death, it is sweet! There is no valley here. God is calling me, and I must go.” His son who was standing by his bedside said, “No, no, father, you are dreaming.”
““No,” said Mr. Moody, “I am not dreaming: I have been within the gates: I have seen the children’s faces.” A short time elapsed and then, following what seemed to the family to be the death struggle he spoke again: “This is my triumph; this my coronation day! It is glorious!””