Role of Wives in Marriage

The relationship of pastor/elder and lay person. The pastor/elder holds authority over the congregation to lovingly lead them towards Christ, feed them God’s Word, protect them from heresies, and build them up to maturity. This is done through submitting themselves to the needs of the congregation. The congregation is submissive towards the pastor/elder’s authority while also exercising the authority of communicating their needs.

Submit yourselves. God has bound us so strongly to each other, that no man ought to endeavour to avoid subjection; and where love reigns, mutual services will be rendered. I do not except even kings and governors, whose very authority is held for the service of the community. It is highly proper that all should be exhorted to be subject to each other in their turn.

The Biblical Role of a Wife

What is Biblical Submission?

English Standard Version Chapter 5

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Before we can really begin to look at these three verses discussing the role of a biblical wife, we must first understand what biblical submission truly is. We see in the verse right before our passage saying that submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ is biblical submission. It is not something only certain groups are called to, but every person is called to submit to one another in some capacity at every point in life. Our first and holiest authority is to the Triune God. It is from this respect that all other submission comes forth. But let’s be clear about what submission is not; it is not mindlessly following someone without discerning what it is they are leading us to.

Think of the relationship of pastor/elder and lay person. The pastor/elder holds authority over the congregation to lovingly lead them towards Christ, feed them God’s Word, protect them from heresies, and build them up to maturity. This is done through submitting themselves to the needs of the congregation. The congregation is submissive towards the pastor/elder’s authority while also exercising the authority of communicating their needs.

English Standard Version Chapter 5

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Now that we know what biblical submission is, we can begin to understand what Paul is commanding wives to do. The word “submit” as we saw in the previous verse does not allude a blind and ignorant following of tyrannical leadership, but rather a humble following of the authority placed above us by God. For the relationship that is marriage, which is symbolic of the relationship that Christ has with His church, there is a mutual respect, yet the authority is in the head. The head of the marriage between a man and woman is in the husband. This again, is not a dictatorship or tyrannical lordship of power over the weaker or submissive party, which in this case is the wife. The husband and wife are mutually obligated to one another to build each other up towards Christ, but the authority is laid upon the husband. This is for God’s glory and our good.

What is Biblical Submission?

English Standard Version Chapter 5

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The wife’s submission to her husband is also obedience to Christ. The wife cannot be obedient to Christ if she is not submissive to her husband. However, there is a disclaimer I must give. If the husband is leading the wife away from the will of God which is revealed to us in the Scriptures, then she not only ought to disobey her husband’s leading, but in fact must disobey. We see this in as Peter and the other apostles had just been beaten for proclaiming Jesus as Lord and Jesus being raised from the dead, and Jesus as Savior, they said, “We must obey God rather than men.” These were the same apostles who were obeying and being submissive to the authorities placed above them, yet when they were told to do what God forbids and were forbidden to do what God commands, they had to disobey the authorities of man to continue obeying God Himself. So the level of submission that the wife has to her husband is different to the level that the wife is submissive to the Lord Jesus because her husband might ask her to do something that God forbids, or he might forbid something that God commands.

With that said, God has made headship within the relationship of marriage very clear. The husband is the head of the wife, and thus the wife is to submit to the husband’s leadership. This does not mean the wife is inferior or lower to the husband because both are made in the image of God as says. Then also says,

English Standard Version Chapter 3

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). (Ga 3:28). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.

This shows us that man and woman, husband and wife, are both equal under Christ. For the woman also being made in God’s image was made as man’s helper. says,

English Standard Version Chapter 2

18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

This gives another way to understand how a wife ought to view her submission to her husband. It is as a helper, equal under God, yet complementary in her role to the man. It is like a queen to a king rather than a slave to a king for the relationship is different. A wife is a helper. So based upon this key word of helper, we see that a wife is to help her husband in his labor, whether that be in actual help in what he is doing or that it be in encouraging and supporting him in his decisions as long as they be godly decisions. But notice that it is not slave or servant. There is a major difference in the treatment of the two, mainly that a wife is a good gift from God that is to treasured, cared for, and protected.

This is our first point, that husband and wife are both equal under God, yet are given separate and complementary roles to support one another and give the most glory to God.

Now let’s look at two other places that God commands a wife to submit to her husband. It is in these other two passages that we can see with greater light, the role of a biblical wife in her submission and the complementary design that God has for the husband and wife:

English Standard Version Chapter 3

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Notice the phrase “as is fitting in the Lord.” This goes back to the degree of submission that a wife has to Lord which is greater than the degree of submission that the wife has to her husband.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

In this passage, we see that it is through respectful and pure conduct done out of a gentle and quiet spirit by a woman who is submitting themselves to their own husband that others are won to Christ. The wife is holy by hoping in God and adorning herself in submission to her husband with a gentle and quiet spirit, being respectful and pure in her ways. The wife is first hoping in God, then obeying God by submitting herself to her husband, and is supporting and encouraging her husband with respectfulness based out of her love for Christ.

So let’s talk about what a biblical wife is, and what a biblical is not through some illustrations. First starting with what a biblical wife is not:

What a Biblical Wife is NOT

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). (). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.What a Biblical Wife is NOT

A queen is much different from a slave. The queen is submissive to the king, yet is not equal to the slave. She is to be held in high esteem

A Biblical wife is not slanderous or belittling towards or about her husband.

Think for a moment of a wife who speaks ill of her husband. Image a wife who is with some other wives at church speaking to the others of how lazy, boring, and dumb her husband has been recently. The other wives listen and look at her husband with disgust while telling of how their own husbands have been failing poorly. These wives are not only gossiping, but they are not in submission towards their husbands. They are quick to judge them for their faults and to speak of those faults behind their husband’s backs to each other.

A biblical wife does not stir up strife because of inconvenience.

Or think of the wife who is quick to dismiss the leading of her husband simply because she doesn’t agree. This wife was told by her husband of sin in her life that would require inconvenient work to reconcile, but he’d be with her each step of the way, and because of the inconvenience, she doesn’t follow her husband’s leading. This wife doesn’t agree with his leading and simply dismisses it. How arrogant and against God’s command.

A biblical wife is not a mindlessly blind follower of her husband.

However there is another wife. This wife is consistently in God’s Word, she is consistent in prayer, and yet her husband is attempting to lead her away from God’s will. The wife decides to follow her husband even though she knows the blatant disregard for the will of God in her husband’s commands, and this submission is that of an unbiblical wife. Her value of her husband is greater than her value of Christ. Her submission to her husband was placed above obedience to the will of God.

Lastly, a biblical wife’s submission does not make her a slave or an object of abuse and neglect.

What a Biblical Wife IS

A biblical wife IS supportive of her husband, encourages him to get back up when he fails, and prays with and for her husband.

There is a wife who knowing her husband’s faults and failures continues to pray for him, support him, and encourage him to follow Christ more and more. This is a godly wife who is living out the submission seen in this passage.

A biblical wife IS submissive to the godly headship of her husband even when it is inconvenient for her.

There is another wife who hears her husband point out sin in her life. The repentance would lead toward inconvenient tasks to reconcile the wrongs done. Yet even though there will be inconvenient work ahead, she humbles herself to submit to the Lord Jesus and to the leadership of her husband into a deeper relationship with Christ, that is a biblical wife.

A biblical wife IS submissive to Christ before her husband, especially when being led to sin and not blindly following her husband.

Lastly there is yet another wife. The same wife who was consistently in God’s word, in prayer, and her husband is telling her that they ought to raise their children to believe that Jesus is not the only way, that the Bible is not inerrant, and that they ought to follow their heart, doesn’t follow her husband blindly into those heresies. This is submissiveness that leans first on Christ.

A biblical wife’s submission to her husband means that even when he’s wrong, she gently refuses and points back to Scripture respectfully.

Our second point, a biblical wife is, first and foremost, submissive to the Lord Jesus, and out of that she joyfully obeys him through loving submission to her husband by respectful and pure conduct with a gentle and quiet spirit.

Gospel Hope for Wives

So now think for a moment about the kind of wife you’ve been. Is Jesus first and foremost? Is Jesus absolutely everything to you? Are you desiring Jesus, enjoying Jesus, trusting Jesus, loving Jesus, and following Jesus before anything else? Are you respecting your husband, praying with and for your husband, are you encouraging your husband, are you allowing your husband to fulfill his role of leader, are you humbly and joyfully submitting to your husband without compromising biblical truth?

If you’ve said no to any of these, then congratulations, you are a sinner just like the rest of us. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and thus you have the same hope that every single sinner on earth has; the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If you desire to be a biblical wife that lives in a godly way, in accordance with what our passage today has commanded of you, then you must first and foremost trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and for your salvation from the wrath of the just God of the universe. Submit yourself to Christ first, and these things will follow. Your hope is Jesus. Your submissiveness to your husband, with all his faults and weaknesses, comes from Jesus. Your ability to be an encouraging, supportive, and respectful wife even when your husband fails can only come through a love for Christ. Your gentle and quiet spirit comes from Christ’s Holy Spirit which is only given to those to trust and believe in Him. Your ability to humble yourself and be concerned for the needs of others before your own and not trying to advance yourself comes only through our Lord Jesus. So to be the godly wife, the biblical wife; to fulfill the role of a godly wife, a biblical wife; lean upon, trust in, believe in, and treasure the Lord. And when you fail to be the perfect godly wife, which I promise you will at some point much like your husband will fail to be the perfect godly husband, you can still repent and trust in Jesus to continue to make you into a better wife.

Are You Cultivating Biblical Wifehood?

So as the leader and head of your wife, we must think on a few things:

First, are you yourself in submission to Christ Jesus, in submission to the teachings of the Scriptures, in submission to the leading of the Holy Spirit?

If you are not, then the task of being the head of your wife will be far too daunting to even begin to help tend to her needs. If you are not submissive to Christ first, then you cannot be submissive to the needs of your wife and family in the way that God has called you. You may be able to show aspects that resemble it, but you cannot fully do what Christ has called you to.

Second, are you cultivating an environment rooted in Christ Jesus, rooted in the Holy Scripture, and rooted in the Holy Spirit?

In , as the Israelites are following false gods and idols, Joshua calls to them to fear the Lord and serve Him with faithfulness and sincerity! He says to choose between the false gods of the nations surrounding them or the One True Living God! Then he beautifully says what every man ought to say, “But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” So are you creating an environment where you’re serving Christ, following Christ, treasuring Christ, worshipping Christ?

Third, are you protecting, cherishing, caring for, tending to, and above all, loving your wife as Christ loves the Church?

It is simple, her submission to you is for her protection, but if you are not protecting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then you are failing to do the task God calls you to. For Christ gave Himself up for His bride, the Church. Your wife is a good gift to you from the Father, and she should be cherished as such. Her submission is to you, and your submission to her is for her needs that you ought to be sensitive to, tentative to, and care for. These all pile up into showing a love that Paul illustrates as Christ’s love for the Church.

Lastly, are you cultivating an environment that allows your wife to use the gifts that God Himself has given to her?

As we’ve seen, she is your helper, created in God’s image just as much as you and me. So is she able to use the gifting and talents that God has given her or are you suffocating them? Those gifts complement you, and thus are good for your growth towards Christ just as much as your gifting and talents are good for her. So cultivate an atmosphere where she feels safe to use them.

If you hear these questions, and think to yourself, “man, I haven’t been doing that, and I never realized what all biblical submission for a wife looks like. I’ve failed miserably.” Then I can say congratulations, you’re a sinner just like the rest of us. There is grace and forgiveness in the gospel! Turn to Christ, repent, ask for forgiveness! Then go to your wife and seek forgiveness from her as well! I’ll close with an illustration as to what I mean.

Almost 3 years ago, I was extremely close with a young woman whom I loved very deeply. Though I was not married to her, I still had the opportunity to cultivate an environment between us where she could feel safe and comfortable, where she could grow in the Lord, where she could use her gifts. Unfortunately, as a stupid young man, I was blind to the sin in my life and the sin that was growing against her. I was not loving her as Christ loves the Church. I was selfish, I was not attentive to the needs that I could supply without being married, and ultimately I ruined the relationship. I felt horrible and broken, and I sought forgiveness not only from her but from God as well. I honored all the boundaries she needed, and I waited patiently for the last three years just to be back in a state of friendship. This was the cause of my sin and lack of care. Please do not continue in your blindness and in your sin. Turn to the Gospel of Jesus Christ for everything! Submit to it! It’s not just good for you, but the work God does in you and your leadership will greatly help your wife fulfill the role God has placed on her in your marriage.

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