Banding Together 5/13/24. I am clay without anger

Romans 9:19–21 (NET): 9:19 You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who has ever resisted his will?” 9:20 But who indeed are you—a mere human being—to talk back to God? Does what is molded say to the molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 9:21  Has the potter no right to make from the same lump of clay one vessel for special use and another for ordinary use?

“Why have you made me like this?” Can a special vessel ask this question? Can a special vessel ask this about its’ damage? Damage done through active service in by YHWH’s calling?

I have. Perhaps not blatantly, but implicitly, I have asked. I was wrong.

Today, I begin to set this right. I forgave God allowing me to have, or directly deciding that I should have, multiple sclerosis. Is it blasphemous to forgive YHWH?

No, I do not think so. At least, for now. Someone may prove me wrong. What do I know though?

I know YHWH has not wronged me. I have simply felt wronged.

In offering forgiveness, I am not absolving YHWH. I cannot do that. I have no means to absolve Him. More than this, He has not wronged me.

I am clay. My calling was His choice. My service was directed by His pointing. “Go there. Serve those who come to you.” Yet, to feel ill-used is not to be ill-used. MS is potentially an unfolding tragedy. Tragedy is not injustice.

My statement of forgiveness is simply another way of saying two things. “I accept.” “I, on this day, choose to no longer be angry.” Removing anger from my being is accepting that I am clay, even though a “special vessel.” Clay in active service gets pounded. Pounded by YHWH’s preparing, forming and shaping of character. Pounded by the enemy’s fire when serving others as YHWH directs interferes with the enemy’s efforts. Pounded by those served who are confused recipients of grace reacting unwisely.

The fact that I was blindsided by multiple sclerosis at 63 years old is just part of being clay. Fine. I am decades outside the norm for this illness appearing. Yet, I have no ‘right’ to advance warning; no ‘right’ to avoid MS. I am clay.

Clay that can and sadly has been shaped by my powerful hurts; hurts shielded from me behind my anger. Anger; the ‘safer’ emotion, because it gives false control. Anger that claims something it does not have and cannot give. Anger with non-existent power to know and avoid the harms and hardness of life. How is this anger ‘safe?’

To forgive is a step in acknowledging my deep woundedness and He who has the only power over it. Medicines can help, but not control MS, cannot resolve it. Yet, forgiving YHWH is a step towards unshielded acceptance of my future wounding by this disease of progressive debilitation. It is about my choice of willing, knowledgeable vulnerability. “I forgive you YHWH” is a statement made to me. An ebenezer of my commitment on this day to not shield any new wounding behind anger. To refuse hardening. The hardening that stands on ‘rights’ that no clay possesses.

I am clay. I stand not on rights. I stand on the Potter’s hand. A hand with the right to shape as He wills. A hand that accepts things passing through it that I would sooner avoid. I accept. Today.

I pray that I keep on accepting and never walk off the Potter’s hand. Willing vulnerability to that hand is costly; most costly when knowledge illuminates what the hand of YHWH can tolerate in the life of this clay. His tolerance for my costs is frightening. Yet, I am clay. I accept the costs.

My life is not mine and I am deeply loved. This is truth. It will be so. This is the meaning of “Amen. Amen.”