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CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,…

Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive"

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still in your pockets. ------------------------------------------------- While driving…

God's missing and they think we did it!

> Why We Love Kids > >> > >>I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening > >>when a > >>woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was > >>stark > >>naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old > >>shout from > >>the back seat, "Mom! That lady…

God divided the hands into fingers so that money could slip through. Martin Luther

THE IDEAL WIFE Always beautiful and cheerful. Could have married movie stars but wanted only you. Beauty that won’t run in a rainstorm. Never sick. Just allergic to jewelry and fur coats. Insists that moving furniture by herself is good for her figure. Expert in cooking, cleaning the house, fixing the…

Getting into fights A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes,"…

Shipwrecked 8/27/2007 There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so…

EXPLANATION OF GOD: (Written by an 8-year-old in California)

[HUMOR] You could have heard a pin drop When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its…

After John Hinckly, Jr. shot President Reagan, Reagan woke up in the hospital recovery room with his wife Nancy at his side looking down at him and extremely upset. Reagan always joked with Nancy when she was upset, so he said, “Honey, I forgot to duck.” That’s what the great fighter Jack Dempsey said…

Published September 19, 2013 FoxNews.com Someone just paid David Rees, of Beacon, N.Y., $35 to sharpen a pencil. "I think people think: 'Wow, I can't believe he actually did it,'" Rees said. "I wasn't sure what would happen when I sent this guy my money." Now before you write him off as some con-artist…

After riding his electric bicycle to an appointment, Ben Jaconelli returned twenty minutes later and discovered it had been stolen. He feared he would never see the pricey bicycle again, but the thief unknowingly helped Jaconelli recover it. Shortly after filing a police report, Jaconelli received a…

- Everglades National Park: Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? - Mesa Verde National Park: Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? Do you know of any undiscovered…

Published January 26, 2013 Associated Press YORK, Pa. – Mourners at a Pennsylvania fast-food fan's funeral wanted him to have it his way, so they arranged for his hearse -- and the rest of the procession -- to make one last drive-thru visit before reaching the cemetery. David Kime Jr. "lived by his own…

An online poll taken by a social networking and dating website recently asked 30,000 people from 15 different countries to rank the “funniest” and least funny nationalities. The global poll found Germans to be the least funny nationality while Americans and the Spanish were the funniest or best at making…

These are the top ten ways to tell if you’re having a bad day. Number 10 - Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels Number 9 - You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Number 8 - Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Number 7 - Your 4-year-old tells…

I’D RATHER DIE WHILE I’M LIVING THAN LIVE WHILE I’M DEAD I WANT TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER EVERY NOW AND THEN.. THE WEATHER IS HERE, WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL. All of these truisms were the creation of that “dock-of-the-bay” philosopher, Jimmy Buffet. While I surely there are better sources of truth, I…

Published September 08, 2011 | Associated Press Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police…

Published July 05, 2011 | Popular Science Call it a twist on the study of gut bacteria. Scientists sampling DNA strains from the navels of volunteer donors have found 662 microbes that are apparently new to science, showing that the human navel is apparently a ripe environment for bacteria. The Belly…

Folks, I have to tell you that you should feel sorry for my wife. I know, I know, you’re saying, “Huh! Not telling us anything we didn’t already know. We do feel sorry for her!” Well, I’d just say, That’s good because she married an introvert. She didn’t really know what she was getting into when she…

Well, there you have it: Ask anyone if they love Christmas, and they’ll probably say yes. I googled something like “The top ten reasons I love Christmas” and these were some typical responses. One person gave 8 reasons they liked it. Number 8 was because “things smell so good. Christmas trees, cinnamon…

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger…

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." Mikey's Funnies, Monday, March 8, 2010